a sense of guilt

[Octopus98]

Hi, I am a female college student, currently surrounded by people who are either dating or thinking of dating which sometimes gets stressful.

I identify as an asexual person, and I also think that I might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.

My problem is, I feel that most of the people assume that I am straight. That is because to this day I have not made a coming out, as I do not feel a need to do it. However, I have been always (for around 10 years or so) saying that I do not want to pursue any relationship, get married and have kids. I've seen that some people eventually realize that I am ace, some do not. I simply do not talk about my asexuality if I do not have to (e.g. when my friend asked me once whether I am ace, I confirmed and did not feel bad about admitting it).

The problem is, I have recently observed that I experience a sense of guilt when I meet a nice guy, we "click", continue talking and then keep in touch. I feel guilty because I am afraid of sending a false signal that I am sexually interested in him, while I just wanna be friends.

Let me give you an example. I have recently met a really cool guy. He is friendly, smart, open-minded, has a similar sense of humor and he seems to be very responsible - something which I value the most in guys. We study at different unis, but he is doing his semester abroad in the country where I am studying now (we are both of the same nationality, studying abroad, which again, influences our relations). So I really treasure this friendship and hope to keep in touch but I've been feeling very guilty about the way I text him. Sometimes I feel like I send too much texts at one go (although I am trying to keep them as short/long as his), or that I reply too fast to his messages, while it takes him more time to reply to mine. And I don't want him to think that I fell in love with him or something because yes, he is becoming important to me, but not in this way. I am often afraid of creating a wrong impression which makes me feel a sense of guilt when I talk to him.

Okay, maybe at this point I should explain why he is becoming important to me. So I grew up with mostly abusive males - both my father and my brother had problems with controlling their emotions and they sometimes resorted to psychological violence. As a result, I still have some sort of a male role model deficit, which makes me very keen on making friends with guys. I am lucky to have made several good male friends at the college where I am studying now and I really treasure these friendships

I feel that I should not worry, because he also replies, throws in new topics, even suggested that we should meet up etc. I am trying to remind myself that I am not obligated to disclose my asexuality to every person of opposite gender I talk to, that replying to the other person's text is nothing wrong (honestly, I find this "make-yourself-unavailable" tricks quite silly). And lastly, that perhaps I am worrying too much, he is leaving in a couple of months anyways so who knows whether we will remain in contact. But if I feel this specific sense of guilt now, it might come again and I wanna know how to deal with it.

I am curious, did anyone of you have had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?

[update: after writing this post I realized that I am also doing the same thing which causes my problem - I also assume that all guys I talk to (including him) are straight. I don't think there is much I can do about it, except for trying to remind myself that not everyone is]

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't feel that sense of guilt, but I have this fear that people are flirting with me or that I'm seen as flirting with them because I can't tell the difference between flirting and just being friendly.

[Octopus98]

thanks for the cake

 

yeah, it's the same for me!

[element83]

2 hours ago, Octopus98 said:

I am curious, did anyone of you have had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?

If I'm not sure, I usually just try to casually slip something like "I'm so glad we're friends" or "you're such a great friend" into the conversation.

 

The fact that the word "friendzone" exists suggests that this particular problem is not just faced by aces/aros, but also by people who want to date in general... just not that particular cool guy/gal.

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/politely-friend-zone-someone/1248811

[Chocolatastic AroAce]

I definitely felt guilty. Though you at least seem to be aware of social mechanics on some level. For me it has always been a struggle because I'm so socially inept that I often don't realize the implications until later. I'm the dense brick who took ten plus years to clue in that certain guys in school were actually 'interested' in  me. So I think due to this I probably have inadvertently 'lead on' some people and may well continue to do so until they write that book on understanding/ recognizing flirting and romance.

 

In the mean time he seems like a nice guy....maybe he just wants to be friends to. If he asks or says anything that implies he wants more you can just correct him.

[nanogretchen4]

It helps to behave differently around heterosexual males you wish to friendzone than most women your age behave with men they are dating. Avoid date like encounters. For example don't eat in a nice restaurant or go to a show with just him. I prefer to socialize with males mainly as part of a group. If you need to meet one on one for business or academic reasons that's fine, but daytime meetings are less open to misinterpretation than late night meetings. You can also choose unromantic settings like the office or a library. Pay for your own expenses and take separate transportation. All of these things signal "not a date".

 

Things may have already gone too far to be cooled off by these signals if you have really been singling him out for a lot of one on one time and long intense private conversations. If you are trying to have a really close friendship with a single heterosexual male, I think it's a good idea to come out to him before he gets his heart broken or at least embarrasses himself. By the time he tells you he's in love with you it's too late. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

As long as you're honest if he asks you, there's no problem. You know yourself you aren't obligated to tell everyone you're ace and shouldn't assume someone else's orientation, you just need to remember that when you feel guilty. We can't go through life worrying people are misunderstanding us.

[Ater Beta]

Hey Octopus98, I think I get where you are coming from and I know what you mean about past abusers. I'm also in a situation with someone I find very special (made more special because of the past abusers) but our differing viewpoints on Asexuality means I have to either confront the issue with them and feel guilty and risk losing the friendship or repress my own viewpoint meaning I still feel guilty and unhappy because the friendship is built on a lie.

For me in general I believe in the confront (nicely) option and if they are a friend who truly respects you then you can work together to find a way for the viewpoints to coexist for a balanced friendship....if they don't then it is still kind of like an abusive relationship and it may not be something worth keeping anyway even if it hurts to lose them.

 

one thing I found that (usually) works for me with straight guys is that I act more like a dude around them which subtly removes the chance for romantic or physical attraction to form but does allow a friendship to develop.

well hope that helps

[Octopus98]

Hi, thanks a lot for all your tips/suggestions. It feels very distressing to think that I might have "led" some guys to think that I am flirting with them without meaning to do so. I think I might have to reshape the way I interact with guys. At the same time, I realize that I cannot be paranoid and constantly think how to "friendzone" or "act like a dude" cause it is simply not my obligation to disclose my aromanticism/asexualism to everyone. I guess I should just move on and base my decisions on common sense.