realitysandwiches

A question to all demisexuals out there!

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realitysandwiches

Hey everyone! 

This is a question I have for all the demisexual people here on this website:

 

“Do you guys ever have/ had a little bit of a problem when it comes to forming a relationship/friendship with the sex(es) you’re attracted to?”

 

I’m asking this question due to personal experience and I wonder if this might be linked to my sexuality?

I have always been a little sceptical when meeting new people that are the gender I am attracted to. I sometimes don’t trust their intentions or fear they might fall for

me at some point and pressure me into choosing relationship over a friendship with them. I know those fears are somewhat unrealistic yet they always cross my mind. 

 

Anyways, I would really appreciate you’re answers it would help me out a lot! ❤️

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TheAppallingPhantom

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to The Gray Area.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

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⚸ Hughesation ⚸

I wish I could help you here, but I have never had this experience.

 

Personally, I have a very hard time noticing when others show any kind of sexual/romantic interest in me, even though I can see it when it's other people. So, I usually ignore any possibility of something like that, unless someone directly asserts it.

After all, even if you notice that somebody has an interest in you, it doesn't necessarily mean they will act on it, or attempt to pursue you. Perhaps it would be easier to take things as they come, and not worry about it too much?

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realitysandwiches
1 hour ago, ⚸ Hughesation ⚸ said:

I wish I could help you here, but I have never had this experience.

 

Personally, I have a very hard time noticing when others show any kind of sexual/romantic interest in me, even though I can see it when it's other people. So, I usually ignore any possibility of something like that, unless someone directly asserts it.

After all, even if you notice that somebody has an interest in you, it doesn't necessarily mean they will act on it, or attempt to pursue you. Perhaps it would be easier to take things as they come, and not worry about it too much?

Yeah that’s probably the best desicion and I am trying to do that now. I’m usually pretty good at telling if someone likes me or another person but it could be that my problem has it’s root elsewhere. It’s probably that all boys that I have been friends with eventually told me they didn’t only want friendship and that maybe makes me a little worried that it will always be that way. I only met one guy who wasn’t into me so maybe that’s why I don’t trust those friendships as much as “normal” ones 😅 but thanks so much for answering me ❤️❤️❤️

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bare_trees

I've always had that worry.  When I was single, I met a lot of people through dating sites, and every time I did, I wondered if I was just completely wasting my time and they would wind up wanting something I'd never be ok with.  So I can definitely relate.  But don't let it discourage you from getting to know someone, because you never know when you'll meet someone whose sexuality is like yours.

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Celyn

I'm a panromantic Aspie so hell if I know.

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roland.o
On 8/1/2018 at 5:56 PM, realitysandwiches said:

“Do you guys ever have/ had a little bit of a problem when it comes to forming a relationship/friendship with the sex(es) you’re attracted to?”

Ever? More like, forever. And more than a little. At 48, I'm now in my first serious attempt at forming a more-than-friends relationship.

 

I could get along well enough with people of the sex I'm attracted to, as long as they were individuals I wasn't attracted to :D:cake:

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realitysandwiches
On 8/5/2018 at 5:49 PM, roland.o said:

Ever? More like, forever. And more than a little. At 48, I'm now in my first serious attempt at forming a more-than-friends relationship.

 

I could get along well enough with people of the sex I'm attracted to, as long as they were individuals I wasn't attracted to :D:cake:

Ah so you did have a similar problem?  

And yeah same for me unless I am

like 110% sure I am not attracted to them it’s like alright but as soon as I feel like there COULD be more in a few months or even years I get really anxious 😅 But I am actually so happy to hear you found someone now! I hope that it works out for you both ❤️

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realitysandwiches
On 8/3/2018 at 3:28 AM, bare_trees said:

I've always had that worry.  When I was single, I met a lot of people through dating sites, and every time I did, I wondered if I was just completely wasting my time and they would wind up wanting something I'd never be ok with.  So I can definitely relate.  But don't let it discourage you from getting to know someone, because you never know when you'll meet someone whose sexuality is like yours.

Omg i am so happy to actually hear this... which might sound a little mean because that’s obviously a struggle you deal with but it’s relieving to hear that my anxiety about friendships and relationships may actually have its root in my sexuality. Also thank you so much for giving me hope I am not giving up in trying to find someone. It’s hard but yeah thanks! And I hope you also never give up and keep trying to find someone who is just right for you ❤️

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realitysandwiches
On 8/3/2018 at 9:34 AM, Celyn said:

I'm a panromantic Aspie so hell if I know.

Wait I don’t really understand haha so you mean you have that worry too or that you don’t have it 😅

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Celyn
6 hours ago, realitysandwiches said:

Wait I don’t really understand haha so you mean you have that worry too or that you don’t have it 😅

I mean I don't know if I have that problem or not. Since I'm panromantic, I don't have a "control" experience of making friends with someone I could never be romantically attracted to, and since I'm Aspie, I have enough problems navigating socially anyway.

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Slayerin96

Well, I'm demi-heterosexual and I can say I do have a hard time interacting with boys. Many a time it happens that they actually have certain expectations right from the very beginning. I tend to be very cautious when opening up to them. I don't even know how to act around them. They never make clear what they want. Do they want to be friends with me? Do they have a crush on me? Or do they desire me? They never communicate, leaving me confused. However, I don't really know whether to attribute that to my aromanticism,to my demisexuality, or to both :p. 

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80814

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realitysandwiches
On 8/11/2018 at 6:57 AM, Celyn said:

I mean I don't know if I have that problem or not. Since I'm panromantic, I don't have a "control" experience of making friends with someone I could never be romantically attracted to, and since I'm Aspie, I have enough problems navigating socially anyway.

Oh i see that’s shitty... I hope you don’t have that problem cause it would just make it EVEN harder for you to make friends which as you say seems to be hard enough already. 😕

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realitysandwiches
On 8/12/2018 at 12:53 AM, Slayerin96 said:

Well, I'm demi-heterosexual and I can say I do have a hard time interacting with boys. Many a time it happens that they actually have certain expectations right from the very beginning. I tend to be very cautious when opening up to them. I don't even know how to act around them. They never make clear what they want. Do they want to be friends with me? Do they have a crush on me? Or do they desire me? They never communicate, leaving me confused. However, I don't really know whether to attribute that to my aromanticism,to my demisexuality, or to both :p. 

Well that sounds exactly like me 😅 at first I also wasn’t sure if I should blame those feelings on my demisexuality or on some kind of “trauma” I guess it’s kind of both. It seems that we are not the only demisexuals experiencing that so I guess it’s not necessarily a coincidence that we are demi AND feel this way. I also feel like friendships with boys are so unclear. I never know what they expect from me and it has happened almost with every boy that I wanted to have a friendship that in the end he made some kind of move on me.  I know this might sound like “oh yeah I am so attractive” which I am really not 😂 it’s just so hard to form friendships now because all I can think of is wow he’s really nice but what if he expects something as well? That would probably end the friendship or at least make it weird. 

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_franci

I’ve never experienced the problem you’re taking about, giving that firstly I’m

quite shy and introverted I don’t make friends easily and secondly that I’m panromantic so i don’t make distinction when it comes to becoming friends with someone nor developing feelings for them.

So to answer your question no, I’ve never been scared of someone I am friends with or just started to get to know falling for me, also I don’t feel like i would be pressured to turn the friendship into a relationship if that person actually was in love with me.

If I can give you an advice don’t worry too much about ruining friendships before even starting one ‘cause in the end you might ruin things yourself because you worry about something that won’t happend.

Also if you feel like you would be easily pressured into a relationship you should work on your self-confidence and your ability to “say no” when necessary and if you ever find yourself in that kind of situation is always better to clear things up as soon as possible even if that means marking it akward.

Anyways I hope you got the answer you wanted and that this was helpful!

Feel free to message me if you want to talk or have any questions!

 

 

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JohnSC
On ‎2018‎-‎08‎-‎01 at 11:56 AM, realitysandwiches said:

Hey everyone! 

This is a question I have for all the demisexual people here on this website:

 

“Do you guys ever have/ had a little bit of a problem when it comes to forming a relationship/friendship with the sex(es) you’re attracted to?”

 

I’m asking this question due to personal experience and I wonder if this might be linked to my sexuality?

I have always been a little sceptical when meeting new people that are the gender I am attracted to. I sometimes don’t trust their intentions or fear they might fall for

me at some point and pressure me into choosing relationship over a friendship with them. I know those fears are somewhat unrealistic yet they always cross my mind. 

 

Anyways, I would really appreciate you’re answers it would help me out a lot! ❤️

 

Maybe you  might want to explore the link between your fears of new people and your sexuality.

 

Do you have fears that the future relationship will not work out because of the mismatch in sexuality?

 

As with the myriad types of sexuality we know of there comes an even higher amount of combinations between the different types.

In the world there are almost all kinds of evidence showing which combinations did or did not work out between any of the sexual orientations.

 

Not to also mention that with relationships, how much effort did each partner put in to try to make things work?

 

I used to have plenty of fears when I thought about the complexity of relationships, now I just don't think about them and make decisions as each situation arises.

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Philip027

Demiromantic, but... no, for me it's the opposite.  I knew I was hetero(romantic) primarily because of how much more comfortable I felt around the opposite sex.  It got to the point where starting around intermediate school, most of my friends were female, just because I felt I could relate less and less to other males.

 

It sounds to me like the fears you have are potentially fears anyone could have, regardless of sexuality.  The only real solution to it is learning to be more assertive and confident in your dealings with these people, because simply cutting off any contact with people of your "desired" gender isn't really a realistic solution.

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Cheshire-Cat

I've never had this issue. But then again someone could probably be madly flirting with me and I wouldn't have the foggiest. I have a good mix of male and female friends. 

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realitysandwiches
On 8/26/2018 at 6:10 AM, Philip027 said:

Demiromantic, but... no, for me it's the opposite.  I knew I was hetero(romantic) primarily because of how much more comfortable I felt around the opposite sex.  It got to the point where starting around intermediate school, most of my friends were female, just because I felt I could relate less and less to other males.

 

It sounds to me like the fears you have are potentially fears anyone could have, regardless of sexuality.  The only real solution to it is learning to be more assertive and confident in your dealings with these people, because simply cutting off any contact with people of your "desired" gender isn't really a realistic solution.

I see thanks for your answer. I also didn’t really think that my sexuality and this fear were somewhat the same thing I just wanted to hear some other people’s opinion on it. 

And I am not cutting of those friends I am still hanging out with them even though it’s hard sometimes but I feel like that’s the only way to get rid of this fear. And the fear could also be from some kind of “trauma” I had so yeah I just wanted to see if other demisexuals feel the same way as I do.  

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realitysandwiches
On 8/28/2018 at 12:05 AM, Ambo-blossom said:

I've never had this issue. But then again someone could probably be madly flirting with me and I wouldn't have the foggiest. I have a good mix of male and female friends. 

Okay good to hear and thanks for your answer it really helps me out to sort my thoughts and feelings❤️

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realitysandwiches
On 8/26/2018 at 4:39 AM, JohnSC said:

 

Maybe you  might want to explore the link between your fears of new people and your sexuality.

 

Do you have fears that the future relationship will not work out because of the mismatch in sexuality?

 

As with the myriad types of sexuality we know of there comes an even higher amount of combinations between the different types.

In the world there are almost all kinds of evidence showing which combinations did or did not work out between any of the sexual orientations.

 

Not to also mention that with relationships, how much effort did each partner put in to try to make things work?

 

I used to have plenty of fears when I thought about the complexity of relationships, now I just don't think about them and make decisions as each situation arises.

I’m not sure I guess I could actually have the fear of the mismatching sexualities and you’re right I try to not think about all that stuff either that would just stress me out. And I am not really afraid of new people and it’s not like all male friendships feel weird jus a few. Anyways thanks for your answer every answer helps me a lot! ❤️

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Noko42

I don’t think I can really help. I have trouble making friends with anyone irl, highly introverted and online you don’t know who your meeting half the time so you don’t have to same issues lol

 

The only friends I have irl chose me so I just go with the flow lol 😹. Sorry I couldn’t give to the answers your looking for.

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realitysandwiches
On 8/24/2018 at 11:51 PM, _franci said:

I’ve never experienced the problem you’re taking about, giving that firstly I’m

quite shy and introverted I don’t make friends easily and secondly that I’m panromantic so i don’t make distinction when it comes to becoming friends with someone nor developing feelings for them.

So to answer your question no, I’ve never been scared of someone I am friends with or just started to get to know falling for me, also I don’t feel like i would be pressured to turn the friendship into a relationship if that person actually was in love with me.

If I can give you an advice don’t worry too much about ruining friendships before even starting one ‘cause in the end you might ruin things yourself because you worry about something that won’t happend.

Also if you feel like you would be easily pressured into a relationship you should work on your self-confidence and your ability to “say no” when necessary and if you ever find yourself in that kind of situation is always better to clear things up as soon as possible even if that means marking it akward.

Anyways I hope you got the answer you wanted and that this was helpful!

Feel free to message me if you want to talk or have any questions!

 

 

Thank you a lot for your answer I am almost convinced now that my fear is not linked to my sexuality at all. And I don’t think I would be easily pressured into a relationship because I know how to say no. It’s complicated. I guess I am more scared of people falling for me before we even really know each other because that would pressure me a lot and make me probably loose interest in a person which would be a shame because they could’ve been a very cool and good friend you know? And that has happened a lot to me. So that’s maybe why I am scared of that whole scenario. But you’re right I should just try to worry less and not let that destroy friendships. I still am friends with those who I feel a little uncomfortable with because I feel the fear slowly going away I think :) 

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realitysandwiches
2 minutes ago, Noko42 said:

I don’t think I can really help. I have trouble making friends with anyone irl, highly introverted and online you don’t know who your meeting half the time so you don’t have to same issues lol

 

The only friends I have irl chose me so I just go with the flow lol 😹. Sorry I couldn’t give to the answers your looking for.

Don’t worry I appreciate your answer and it’s alright to be highly introverted enjoying some time with yourself is always good! ❤️

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Demi Dad

no not really, i had problems due being bullied by a teacher , i would stammer on words talking to people  until  i new that person, relaxing only after constantly talking and doing things together.LOL i guess my stammer was a way to weed out the people who didn't want to take the time to get  get know me.  after that we would get a long or we didn't, other activities did help to open me up to other people such as art classes,kick boxing, boxing. i would say try to immerse yourself in a activities that you enjoy that can be done with other people in a group,   good luck i hope this helps

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Hecate

That's a really good question. 

 

For me a lot of my male friends I have made through work and we get along because we have common interests and a shared background in that we either served or are still serving in the military. Being a male dominated career and me being female, it was either make friends or be a loner as I've just got on with men better! I think for me the professional boundaries helped a lot, a lot of them have their own partners or are of a different orientation. One or two are guys I can say I am fond of in a friendly, affectionate way because of the kind of people they are and what they mean to me like female friends can be to me, but that's a very different feeling and set of emotions mainly due to the life struggles we have helped each other through and the support we have each other, plus that they are just such kind souls. 

 

As for me in the future, I am figuring out how to deal with that since I only found out fairly recent I'm demisexual and my attraction to a guy can be a bit compartmentalised or staged from finding them appealing to look at, enjoying their company, feeling more romantic attraction, wanting to be close to them in a non-sexual way, to then having the emotional bond I need to feel sexual attraction. Flirting kind of falls dead on me or I don't know people are trying to. I'm a bit oblivious to it. People who get pushy or make me uncomfortable do get a negative response, probably because I see people who make me feel like that start invading my space or say stuff I'm repulsed by which can be frightening for me. 

 

I suppose the way I see it, rather than worry myself about what they may or may not think, (I'm not a mind reader)  if somebody is into me, they kind of need to communicate that to me to open conversation and I can explain things to them if they want to listen and understand. I suppose in a way, that maybe one day I befriend somebody who becomes the love of my life is quite a nice thought, but if I don't then that's ok too. 

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Kayze

Communication is important. Even though talking about sex right away seems awkward, discussing important things that are against the norm are part of dating someone. So, on the first date (or even through messaging and on profile), I'd tell them I'm gray-asexual. It's usually not a TMI issue since it informs that sex of any variety is likely to not be a thing regardless of the stage of the relationship.

 

I'm not 100% sure on demisexuality but is it possible that even if a emotional bond is formed that you may not experience sexual attraction? That it's a possibility only after an emotional bond but not a guarantee, right? Regardless, it's good to let them know before getting invested in a relationship. That's been my experience and so far it's been the right call for me.

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Philip027
52 minutes ago, Kayze said:

I'm not 100% sure on demisexuality but is it possible that even if a emotional bond is formed that you may not experience sexual attraction? That it's a possibility only after an emotional bond but not a guarantee, right?

All orientations and orientation-esque terms operate on a "can happen" rather than a "will happen" basis.  Hetero guys are not attracted to every female, pansexuals don't want to fuck absolutely everyone, etc.

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Hecate
3 hours ago, Kayze said:

I'm not 100% sure on demisexuality but is it possible that even if a emotional bond is formed that you may not experience sexual attraction? That it's a possibility only after an emotional bond but not a guarantee, right? Regardless, it's good to let them know before getting invested in a relationship. That's been my experience and so far it's been the right call for me.

I guess it depends upon what happens in the relationship up to that. For me there's the romantic and sensual attraction aspects which I used to get muddled up or blurred with sexual attraction. I can see why I did and why others blur them as they aren't in neat little boxes.

 

I am quite happy hand holding, cuddling and other physical, non-sexual contact, a back rub is non-sexual for me and even some kisses fall into that, however it's that people expect certain things to lead on after those because of how they perceive them without understanding the other person. In some instances, some misguided people believe kissing and physical contact equates to automatic entitlement to sex. There's a big difference between a kiss on the forehead and a full on make-out session but neither are passes to sex later on. People forget that sex isn't the only way to be close with somebody and perhaps having physical contact is a way to strengthen an emotional bond. If I feel comfortable with somebody to sit on a couch and cuddle with them, that's trust and building of an emotional bond with them because I like that kind of thing, especially if they are able to do that and respect my boundaries.

 

That's the biggest thing, setting boundaries and talking about it. Just some people don't like to talk about it, don't think it needs to be discussed or that having boundaries is setting up barriers. How people treat it says a lot about their intentions. It's something I have become very aware of.

 

So you are right, communication is key.

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