Looking for advice for me and my asexual girlfriend

[Lookingforbalance0789]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now (we are both girls). I’ve known from the get go she is asexual and we both feel I have a fairly good understanding of what it means and how to respect her boundaries. Our relationship has developed amazingly and as of recent we are having some issues when it comes to the needs and wants of each other not matching up. For a small period of time she was thinking she might be demi sexual and agreed that she was ready to try sex after much extensive conversation. When the time finally came we discovered there were a lot of limitations on what she was comfortable with which I of course understood and don’t blame her for at all. We’ve tried a few times different variations of sexual intimacy and I’ve found myself usually wanting more or getting turned off when she is not emotionally connected to me. I can handle that I will never please her in that way but when she is so emotionally disconnected the moment she sees it as sexual, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I hate not being able to compromise without feeling the need for something more. We’re extremely good at communicating and have been talking about this very regularly still with no huge improvement. We feel we are in this together and do not intend on giving up anytime soon but I’m terrified we won’t be able to make it work and I’ll have to break up with her. Any advice would be appreciated!!

[uhtred]

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships rarely work out well. Some people get stuck in them for the rest of their lives after falling in love and feeling that they can't leave.  Don't be one of those people.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I know it's possible to make mixed Sexual-Asexual relationships work, but unfortunately I can't give you advice, because I've never been in any relationship.

[VirtualApocalypse]

Let me start off by saying that it's great that you both are so open about talking about these things with each other! Communication is a very important part of mixed sexual and asexual relationships. The only advice I can give is that as long as you both keep the lines of communication open, and are willing to hear the others side then it'll make the relationship easier to navigate than if you weren't open to talking about it.

 

21 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships rarely work out well.

 

While mixed sexual/asexual relationships are significantly harder to manage it's definitely not impossible, especially since you're both talking about sexual intimacy and boundaries. I wouldn't give up the relationship unless one or both of you feel there is no possible way for you to be happy and content it the relationship. Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

[MissMidnight]

My suggestion would be to try sensual stuff. Ive been with my partner for over 2 years now and we work most of the time, yes there is ups and downs but we kind of compromise in that area but it is different for everyone. While I get nothing from sex I can still do that so its not an issue its more compromised as its not as often as he'd prefer and well its kind of tit for tat, I need to be relaxed so he does something he knows gets me all relaxed etc. Basically find what the limits are and what the boundaries and hard no are. That makes it easier when you have the ground rules basically worked out, because while I can have sex I do have hard nos I wont compromise on and he gets that. 

[Telecaster68]

5 hours ago, Lookingforbalance0789 said:

We’re extremely good at communicating and have been talking about this very regularly still with no huge improvement.

And that's where the rubber hits the road in mixed relationships. It's great (and vital) that you're communicating, but ultimately, if you as a couple can't communicate to find a compromise that works for you both long term, it's not the solution in itself. It's a 'necessary but not sufficient' thing.

 

Couples therapy might help, but if you've both reached the limit of what you can compromise on and you're not both happy with it, then in the end you're just incompatible, and you'll go on being incompatible forever. What you have now is what you'll have for all the time you're with her, so it may be less painful for both of you if the relationship ended.

[ryn2]

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

What you have now is what you'll have for all the time you're with her...

I think this is the key point for both of you.  If what you have now is what you will have forever, is that workable/good enough for both of you?  Are there other things about the relationship that offset or compensate for what one or both of you is/are giving up?  Or is the sacrifice - again, for either of you - going to overshadow the rest of what you share and enjoy?

[anisotrophic]

On 6/20/2018 at 10:59 PM, Telecaster68 said:

It's great (and vital) that you're communicating, but ultimately, if you as a couple can't communicate to find a compromise that works for you both long term, it's not the solution in itself. It's a 'necessary but not sufficient' thing.

A solid & general point for mixed relationships.

 

Unclear what the boundaries are here, but my instinct is to be a bit more pessimistic when the ace partner is sex-averse. I may be biased by my own good fortune, but this seems like a much more difficult situation to learn to live with. It's good to try to compromise, but also important not to have a sunk cost fallacy. You can't change someone's orientation.

[uhtred]

In this sort of situation it is vital that you each be honest with *yourselves*.  Don't pretend (even to yourself) that you are happy with a situation that will actually make you miserable. It is far better to split up than to stay together if one of you is going to be miserable. 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

I've simply been following this thread. It makes me sad. I am romantic, and when I get a crush, I obsess. I want so badly to date someone, but I know it's a bad idea. It hasn't come to it yet (well, just once, before I knew what "asexual" was) where my crush has asked me out (I've been able to resist asking my crush(es) out, so far). The one time (before I knew about asexuality), I (probably smartly... but at the same time, I regret it to this day, and it was... 7 or 8 years ago) said I wasn't interested (even though I was). There have been a number of crushes since, and luckily, I guess he's not felt the same way - at least not enough to act on it. But, I can't help but feel like I want to go out with whoever my current crush is at the time. I want, so much, to be affectionate, and cuddle, and do all the rest. I just know it's a bad idea.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread. 😞 

[Taijavu]

On 6/25/2018 at 10:53 PM, Crazy Cat Lady said:

I've simply been following this thread. It makes me sad. I am romantic, and when I get a crush, I obsess. I want so badly to date someone, but I know it's a bad idea. It hasn't come to it yet (well, just once, before I knew what "asexual" was) where my crush has asked me out (I've been able to resist asking my crush(es) out, so far). The one time (before I knew about asexuality), I (probably smartly... but at the same time, I regret it to this day, and it was... 7 or 8 years ago) said I wasn't interested (even though I was). There have been a number of crushes since, and luckily, I guess he's not felt the same way - at least not enough to act on it. But, I can't help but feel like I want to go out with whoever my current crush is at the time. I want, so much, to be affectionate, and cuddle, and do all the rest. I just know it's a bad idea.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread. 😞 

If it makes you feel any better, I feel the same way!

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Lookingforbalance0789

I agree with @Telecaster68 and the following comments – communication is great, but it’s a beautiful myth that it solves everything. Communication won’t make your girl sexual or you – asexual.

Are you happy with what you have now? If not – I’m sorry – I don’t think it can work. The counterintuitive trick here is that things might change for the better only if you are truly happy with what you have now. Otherwise you’ll be unconsciously pushing your partner, and she – you.

It’s just my own experience (with my sexual ex husband) that talking out relationship problems can turn into a torture and become totally fruitless when the problem lies in fundamental differences between two personalities.

[Sally]

On 6/20/2018 at 5:41 PM, Lookingforbalance0789 said:

 I hate not being able to compromise without feeling the need for something more. We’re extremely good at communicating and have been talking about this very regularly still with no huge improvement. 

If the improvement you're seeking is that she will want more, that will likely not happen.  It isn't a matter of volition; if you don't want something, you simply don't want it.  Likewise, for you, you want something, and you're not going to "un"-want it.  Think about this very carefully before you go further with the relationship.  

[Cobie]

On 6/21/2018 at 2:41 AM, Lookingforbalance0789 said:

... when she is so emotionally disconnected the moment she sees it as sexual, I don’t enjoy it anymore ...

Imho, unfortunately, communicating cannot make this problem go away, it is what it is.  

[Cobie]

On 7/5/2018 at 9:09 AM, Lara Black said:

... talking out relationship problems can turn into a torture and become totally fruitless when the problem lies in fundamental differences between two personalities.

This, sadly, this.