Sexual in an Asexual Marriage

[Asearching]

Wow, this is my first post and I need some input from asexuals and sexuals alike.  I have been married for 9 years, two kids (1 and 4) and we just discovered last month that she is asexual.  To be fair, I always knew that something was missing in the bedroom department, even when we first started dating and were having sex several times a week (sometimes a day).  She never seemed to inititate sex and was up front that she could ‘t orgasm from sex.  But she could orgasm from oral or finger play.  In our first couple of years dating I took this as a ‘project’ - something that I could fix and that with the right amount of foreplay and sexual experimentation, she would eventually orgasm during sex.  It never happened.  As the years wore on and we got married she would say, “I’m just not a very sexual person.”  It’s okay, I thought, everything else in our relationship seemed perfect.  I love my wife to this day and so much about our relationship worked and still does.

But after the first baby, sex became nonexistant.  Even after the first 2 years and after breastfeeding ended.  The excuses piled up - too tired, tummy ache, not tonight, etc.  I began to take it personally, thinking that she didn’t find me attractive physically or worse, wasn’t in love with me anymore.  I would ask her and she would just shrug her shoulders.

Over time I became distant in other aspects of our relationship.  Sleeping in the guest room, not going to bed with her.  I just couldn’t face the rejection.  I would lay in bed next to her, wanting her and wishing she wanted me too.

Then a couple of months ago I learned about an online relationship she started with someone else.  This had been going on for months, with them talking on FB messenger every day, sometimes 20-30 messages a day.  The relationship was platonic, but so frequent and often in my presence it still felt like cheating, in a a way.

This was a wake up call for me.  We ahad been working through that while trying to get back together.  One day I asked her if she found me attractive - if she ever felt the desire to take my clothes off and get naked.  She said no.  Not ever.  That shook me - I didn’t understand how you could marry someone that you had never wanted to have sex with.  She said she never felt that way about anyone!  A couple of days later, after finding this site, I approached with the idea that maybe she was asexual (or at least on the spectrum).

It was like a lightbuld went on for her.  She knew immediately that she was asexual and that was a huge relief for both of us and explained A LOT.  But now we are trying to rebuild the relationship as an asexual/sexual couple and it is HARD.  We are both attractive people and I want to have sex with her all the time.  But I am very respectful of her boundaries and need to feel safe and loves as she is.  I know she WANTS to compromise with sex occasionally, but it is not enjoyable for her.  She rates sex on par with doing pushups - not painful, but not enjoyable and it can’t last for too long.

I am also struggling with the idea that my wife will never take my hand and lead me upstairs for a passinate sexual experience (or even initiate passionate kissing) because it feels uncomfortable.  She knows that I will respect her boundaries and she has said she will conpromise, but she would prefer not to have sex at all.

I love my wife and can’t imagine my life without her, but this is going to be a huge problem for me.

Are there any folks in long-term asexual/sexual committed relationships?  What is your ‘compromise’?  How do you make it work?  I would never have married her if I had known, but I can’t stop loving her.  How can I make this work?

[Telecaster68]

Asearching

 

There's a section for Partner and 'allies' on AVEN, and you'll find plenty of very similar stories there, and plenty of people who understand your position all too well.

 

My situation is similar to yours, except I'm older than you, and the precipitating event was menopause not childbirth. 

 

Generally the options are these:

 

1. You give up on sex, forever.

2. You both reach a compromise, involving her having more sexual activity than she'd want for herself, and you having less sexual activity than you'd want for yourself. 

3. You have sex with other people, either with or without her knowledge or consent.

4. You split up.

 

I'm guessing that (2) is the one you'd want to pursue, but that means she has to stop shrugging and engage though, and it sounds like that's the more immediate problem. If you can do that, probably the best solution you'll reach is that even though she has no desire (of the 'taking you to bed' kind), she's willing to have sex to some extent for your benefit, and can find some way to enjoy it on the basis of doing something for you, or even the physical but not emotional pleasure. The question then is how long you can each sustain that arrangement.

[Asearching]

Thanks for the replay and sorry to hear you are in a similar situation!  Your advice seems spot-on and although none of those options is ideal, I think you are right.  I think I will give it some more time, we are only a month into “knowing” that she is asexual.  But you are absolutely right that there needs to be a compromise... Or not.  We shall see...  Again, many thanks and I will check out the allies section.  Best of luck to you!

[James121]

On 17/04/2018 at 6:11 AM, Asearching said:

even when we first started dating and were having sex several times a week (sometimes a day).

 Yet another person who was capable of frequent sex right up until they’ve got what they wanted....

(I am a sexual person and feel your pain)

On 17/04/2018 at 6:11 AM, Asearching said:

we got married she would say, “I’m just not a very sexual person.”

Shame this announcement wasn’t made pre marriage...

On 17/04/2018 at 6:11 AM, Asearching said:

She rates sex on par with doing pushups

You are never going to have fulfilling sex with this person...

On 17/04/2018 at 6:11 AM, Asearching said:

but she would prefer not to have sex at all.

The intention to compromise may well be genuine but....her preference which is simply her as a person will always override the situation. You will be pushing a 6 foot tall, 100KG ball up a very steep hill for the rest of you life.

 

On 17/04/2018 at 6:11 AM, Asearching said:

I would never have married her if I had known,

This is why the disclosure or the realisation always always always comes after the marriage and children are secured.

 

On 17/04/2018 at 6:11 AM, Asearching said:

How can I make this work?

You alone can’t. If she can have enthusiastic sex 2, 3 maybe even 4 times a month you may get through this. Or if she has sex with you here and there but gives you licence to have sex elsewhere, maybe you will get through this.

Its going to be difficult, I would consider suring up your support networks, look in to your finances and make arrangements to secure it as best you can and consider leaving.

[Asearching]

James 121 - thanks for you reply.  I agree with you that fulfilling sex is highly unlikely.  But I honestly believe that she didn't know she was asexual early on in the relationship.  She said she loved me and hoped that someday sex would feel differently - I guess she thought it was a fake it til you make it kind of thing.  But I am sad and a little resentful that this is coming out now, after we have kids and a family and I am well beyond my prime dating years.

 

I am not ready to leave just yet, but I can see the writing on the wall as far as intimacy goes.  She has been up front that she will NEVER initiate sexual contact, but is still trying to compromise to make our marriage work.  I think a lot of  he desire to compromise comes from a fear of being alone.  But she is also still not completely transparent about what a compromise means - frequency, duration, etc.  On the one hand I feel like this is the beginning of the end, but I am still holding out some hope that a mutually agreeable compromise can be reached and stay together.

 

I with you the best of luck with your situation.

[gaogao]

I hate how some people are so convinced that we're out there trying to entrap sexual people in a relationship and then withdraw sex when we "get what we want"... that's not how it is at all. 

 

90% of the time we don't know what asexuality is until much later, unfortunately sometimes when marriage and kids are already on the table. It's SO common to know that we love someone and think 'one day it will change'... because that's the narrative, either from our side or from our partner's side. We're taught that first comes love, then comes desire, if you love someone you'll want to have sex with them... but then the desire to have sex never does come for us. Some people do end up reacting defensively to this, and it causes a lot of friction and I'm sorry that it happens -- but it's not really about us getting what we want, we genuinely loved someone and don't understand why sex is important and it's hard for us to reconcile those two things.

 

In my case, I actually told my partner that I think i am asexual, and it's up to her whether we should give a relationship a try or not because sex is important to her and isn't important to me - she said she wanted to give it a try anyway... The problems started when it turned out that she didn't really understand what asexuality meant, and since I didn't understand why sex was important to her I said a lot of hurtful things... all this conflict was partially because of my own weird assumptions about sex, and her absorption of all the ridiculous misinformation that exists about asexuality out there. I mean - there was an element of her not being able to relate to how I saw the world and believed that maybe I'd change and be okay with sex with her regularly eventually even if I'm "asexual"... It's a matter of total lack of awareness of what asexuality is.

 

Asearching - what I want to say is basically that ... I'm ace, my partner is sexual. We've made it work (sexually, at least - there are still problems with Brexit and my dumb homophobic family to work on) but it was a lot of good hard talking and getting over any inhibitions about discussing sex and what it means to each of us. I think it's good that your wife is talking about it with you and trying to find a solution and I encourage you both to keep that line of communication open - it's the best way to come up with something that truly works for both of you.

 

 I wish you all the best!!!

[lilgroundhog]

Okay, I'm a total outsider also being on the aro-spectrum.  You've got small children, which is a lot of work.  Are there ways you can help out more around the house, with the children, giving her a break from the stress of life?  How are you working to connect with her non-sexually? You may get a better response if she sees you have an invested interest in her as a person and friend, not just a sex partner.  Are there other sex acts other than penetrative sex she enjoys?  Can those become more of a focus?  Just some random thoughts.