Issued in public interest: do not court pain to please partners

[anamikanon]

I am sexual. I have had a sex life for more than a quarter of a century. My experiences ranged from hypersexuality to a sex repulsed phase and have now settled somewhere around demisexuality. I have had several partners, short and long term relationships. I have talked with countless people about sex - from providing advice to discussions about sex in society, etc.

 

To the best of my knowledge, the following is true:

 

Being denied sex is frustrating. However, the "pain" sexuals talk about when they talk about rejection by aces is very rarely about the frequency of sex or specific sexual positions, and so on. It is an emotional pain of not feeling desired in the relationship, because we see sex as an important part of intimacy between a couple. If you are compromising your well being or courting injury in order to provide your sexual partner sex, because you have been led to believe that they "need" it, to the best of my knowledge, this is nonsense. You are being scammed into injuring yourself to provide for someone's selfish preferences. Sexuals go through long periods without sex for various reasons ranging from pregnancies to travel for work. No lasting harm comes from it. The sexual satisfaction from masturbation is identical for the purposes of getting sexual relief if they are in such "pain". No harm will come to partners from waiting while your body recovers and you feel ready again (or at least able).

 

A partner who requires you to have sex while in physical pain is best dumped.

 

Please do not harm yourself to protect your partner from some mythical pain. If you say you are in pain and your partner still wants sex, it is time to dump him/her.

 

Edit: Because this is guaranteed to turn into a war of sacrifice, if your sexual partner has an issue with frequency and cannot settle at your comfort level, and it is not just emotional, I am sorry to say this, but if you have hit your threshhold of comfort, you are not going to be able to meet it. Don't try it at the cost of your own body being injured.

[Cobie]

1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

... If you say you are in pain and your partner still wants sex, it is time to dump him/her.

Good advise. 👍

[Guest]

2 hours ago, anamikanon said:

pain

I see you missed a lot of the more important aspects of what we were saying by focusing on this one point. There are also a lot of sexual people here who would disagree with aspects of what you've said here (masturbation being identical to sex for the purposes of sexual relief, for one, that's not actually accurate for many sexual people). You misunderstood a lot of our comments, and now have made this post when it's very obvious to the vast majority of people who use this website that if you say 'it hurts' your partner should stop and wait until it doesn't hurt, and if they don't, you should leave them. Everyone does know that. But that's only one minor aspect that you've picked out of literally everything we have typed in that other thread. Life isn't always as black and white as you seem to want it to be.

[Chimeric]

This is coming off as a tiny bit condescending, given the length and breadth of the conversations that have been going on.

[anamikanon]

4 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I see you missed a lot of the more important aspects of what we were saying by focusing on this one point. There are also a lot of sexual people here who would disagree with aspects of what you've said here (masturbation being identical to sex for the purposes of sexual relief, for one, that's not actually accurate for many sexual people). You misunderstood a lot of our comments, and now have made this post when it's very obvious to the vast majority of people who use this website that if you say 'it hurts' your partner should stop and wait until it doesn't hurt, and if they don't, you should leave them. Everyone does know that. But that's only one minor aspect that you've picked out of literally everything we have typed in that other thread. Life isn't always as black and white as you seem to want it to be.

If sexuals have a problem with what I said, they will object. 

 

I understand that there is either a misunderstanding or difference of views regarding your experience between us, and I am frankly not interested in discussing your experience at this point. I understand and accept that you chose to do what you did for reasons of your own.

 

You may ignore my post, since you already have a more refined view about it for yourself.

[anamikanon]

3 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

@anamikanon, if you mean physical pain from an injury or something... duh. That is just like if you are sexual, and your partner just never feels like sex and ignores your needs all the time because they are assholes then you should leave them. Both are true. 

Apparently this is not as obvious as we imagine it is.

 

After reading about people "choosing" to suffer rather than "inflict pain" on their partners who "need" sex regularly... there clearly are crazy extremes on both sides. Both extremes are not correct.

 

If you aren't creeped out by the visual of a partner biting their arms to distract from pain "down there" while having sex... I suppose it is my personal view then. I cannot imagine wanting sex so much that I see my partner sore and visibly in pain and .... oh well, I need it. Your mileage may vary.

 

3 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

Because none of the situations that sexuals on this forum come to talk about fall into those categories, and this thread is obviously directed at the sexuals on AVEN due to the choice of subforum--NOT a genuine public notice for asexuals--I think it is pretty clear that you are just trolling. Goodbye. 

It is directed at asexuals who may be courting physical pain or constant distress to offer sex to a sexual who wants it regularly - as in because they are hot and their partners got a hard on. It is not directed at sexuals unless you are one of those. In which case I have no idea what you are doing here when you could be happily conning someone into meeting your needs even if they are in pain.

[Chimeric]

9 hours ago, anamikanon said:

If sexuals have a problem with what I said, they will object.

I object to the spirit of the post. 

 

Aces are people fully equipped with the same decision-making capabilities as anyone else. If they find themselves in a position where they are routinely "courting pain" to please their partner it is because they feel that they must, because they've been manipulated into being there, or because they feel that the odds of them finding a partner who doesn't want sex are so low, they may as well get used to it. 

 

In any case, they already know the obvious statements you've reiterated here, and insinuating they're stupid for remaining in that position does nobody any favors. 

[anamikanon]

wow. ok. Rare for me to make a post no one on any side agrees with. 

 

Regardless, it is my view. I have seen enough people in all sorts of relationships believe things they don't understand explained to them by their partners. This is not unique to aces, but more often unique to women. The man "needs sex" is among the oldest sexual abuse scams in the world. Girls who want to marry get scammed into having sex because the man "can't bear it" or that he will be "forced to seek sex from someone else" till they marry because he "needs it" (this is more common among societies where girls don't have adequate exposure to sex related information). Most wives catering to overly sexual husbands who convince them to have sex at cost of exhaustion and pain are led to believe he "needs it". Women are generally conditioned (almost world wide, I believe) to "understand" that "men are like that" and so on.

 

An ace actually has no reference point for knowing just how much torment missing sex causes and could easily believe that while they are suffering from offering sex, they are at least sparing a loved one. I thought it was important to state it bluntly.

[Cobie]

1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

... people in all sorts of relationships believe things ... explained to them by their partners. This is not unique to aces, ...

 

The man "needs sex" is among the oldest sexual abuse scams in the world. ... scammed into having sex because the man ... “needs it". ...

I agree.👍

[Chimeric]

You're entitled to your view. 

 

Aces run the gambit. There are many male aces here who have been put in painful and compromising situations to please their partners - even the female partners. 

 

Your heart is in the right place, but your message remains condescending at best. 

[FaerieFate]

Remember that calling a member a troll is against TOS.

 

Faeriefate, Moderator

[iff]

locked for cool down pending admods review

 

Iff,

Moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

[iff]

the thread is being reopened. please note, if there is any more personal attacks, the thread will be permanently closed

 

iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

[everywhere and nowhere]

What do you mean by "pain"?

Is it physical pain, as in case of some people (mostly women) for whom sex is sometimes or always simply physically painful?

Or do you mean emotional pain as well? Such as feeling of distress and anxiety over the idea of engaging in sex? Because this too isn't usually something that is just going to change. For some sex-averse people their feelings change over time, but for many they stay the same. And if someone is sex-averse, it's better to make it clear from the beginning instead of inflicting pain on themselves by trying to have sex anyway.

Actually, the same would apply to the issue of physical pain. The only difference is that people with such issues seem not to accept it as much as sex-averse people usually accept their aversion. A lot of such people are trying to get rid of their problem, but, to be honest, it scares me when I realize what lengths are some women willing to go just to be able to have sex.

[anamikanon]

On 09/03/2018 at 12:38 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

What do you mean by "pain"?

Is it physical pain, as in case of some people (mostly women) for whom sex is sometimes or always simply physically painful?

Or do you mean emotional pain as well? Such as feeling of distress and anxiety over the idea of engaging in sex? Because this too isn't usually something that is just going to change. For some sex-averse people their feelings change over time, but for many they stay the same. And if someone is sex-averse, it's better to make it clear from the beginning instead of inflicting pain on themselves by trying to have sex anyway.

I'd call pain anything that does not end with the sexual experience. Feeling some discomfort - physical or emotional - and accepting it in order to give your partner something important is understandable as long as willingly accepted (as opposed to coerced). But if it continues to hurt after the sexual encounter is over - either physically or emotionally - I'd say it is an unacceptable level of pain. Something that causes lasting harm is not going to enrich a relationship either, so there is no point courting it to "save" the relationship. A loving partner will be traumatized to know what their loved one went through to offer them pleasure - trust me, it doesn't "please" at all to qualify as pleasure. A partner who would take pleasure in a sexual act regardless of harm to their alleged loved one is better off dumped.