I should have known I was asexual when....

[SupercalifragilisticNugget]

13 hours ago, Scandiaca said:

I am trying to imagine, but none of my passions are that strong to make me act on something that would genuinely hurt somebody I care about. Like the worst I could imagine is eating the last of my favourite crisps. Nothing else would be... I guess as an infamous talk show host put it : "an irresistible impulse vs. an Impulse not resisted". 

 

Right? Like I don’t think I’ve ever felt something so strongly that I just had to have it or just had to do it (except maybe a bathroom break). 

[SupercalifragilisticNugget]

21 hours ago, firebird8 said:

I responded in a similar instance, "how can you tell?" That confused everyone including me because even I wasn't sure what I meant except that I didn't understand what they were looking at. 

😅😅 Yup. It’s like “which part am I supposed to be insanely attracted about?” 

[firebird8]

1 hour ago, SupercalifragilisticNugget said:

😅😅 Yup. It’s like “which part am I supposed to be insanely attracted about?” 

I have told that story so many times and I have never had anybody respond like it made sense until today. 😃

[Guest]

depends

[SupercalifragilisticNugget]

2 hours ago, firebird8 said:

I have told that story so many times and I have never had anybody respond like it made sense until today. 😃

Yay us. 😅 *high five* ✋🏻

[will123]

12 hours ago, Overcomplicate Everything said:

A while back I was starting to think I was a lesbian because I didn't know the difference between 'aesthetic' and 'sexual' attraction. "Oh, that guy has nice hair, that girl has a nice face, wait..is this what sexual attraction is?" No. No it isn't. I even told my mom I thought I was a lesbian, or at least bi, because I felt generally the same about both genders. She did not react well. 

Months later, I was researching LGBT and found asexuality and thought, "Huh. That girl did have a nice face, but I don't want to get in her pants, I've never wanted to get in anyone's pants! Why would I?!" Easy to say I found my orientation.

But now I can't tell my mother I'm asexual because the past incident would make her think I am bluffing. I wonder how she hasn't noticed shirtless men on tv don't inspire the same reaction from me that it does from her.

X2

When I thought I was straight, I would think or say that a girl had a nice face/smile/body/(fill in the blank) but that was it. When I came out to a close male friend he said he understood when I explained to him what asexuality was (I told him first I was asexual which puzzled him). But then he said, "But what about when you've said, 'That girl had a nice face/smile/body/(fill in the blank)' when we've been out and about?" I told him I didn't know why I liked I liked the appearance of females but not interested in them sexually. "It's called aesthetic attraction".

 

My coming out to him was such a dramafest (partially TMI but I will say that I was afraid I'd burst out crying) and I was so spent mentally, I didn't have it in me to explain to him why I felt that I identified as such (as much as I wanted to). A year later when we were hanging out at the beach I explained to him what I had or hadn't experienced over the years and my discovering asexuality. We must've talked for two or three hours about it. When I start discussing my identity I can get carried away. At one point I said, the simplest way I can explain things is that I feel that I'm missing whatever it is to desire someone sexually. 

[Guest]

On 5/26/2018 at 4:29 PM, KnowinglyDifferent said:

I feel like I've always known, but I was just told that I was being immature.

 

I should have known when my mom tried to have "the talk" with me on six different occasions and had to resort to talking about it over dinner so I couldn't leave. 

Oh man. That had to make you lose your appetite real quick. *cringe* Being forced to listen to "the talk" is worse than just having the talk.

[bookwormgirl]

When we were both teenagers, my younger sister would create power point slides of "hot" guys and then force me to watch it with her. I usually just did it so she'd stop bothering me about it. But geez, I thought they were boring. 😴

[will123]

1 minute ago, bookwormgirl said:

When we were both teenagers, my younger sister would create power point slides of "hot" guys and then force me to watch it with her. I usually just did it so she'd stop bothering me about it. But geez, I thought they were boring. 😴

That is an interesting use of the software...

[Skycaptain]

3 minutes ago, will123 said:

That is an interesting use of the software...

Better software than hardware 

[nerdperson777]

On 7/8/2019 at 3:06 PM, Zash said:

Granted, it is usually someone doing something stupid, but, no contraceptive is 100% effective.  So, if it fails, someone can accidentally get pregnant, even if they take appropriate steps to prevent it.

Well yes, but I meant like we don't really understand why they can't just not do it.  I wasn't even thinking about whether they used protection or not.

 

On 7/9/2019 at 7:49 AM, Ayra Star said:

I was definitely the 'innocent' and 'naive' kid in school who didn't understand sexual references, but by the time I was 16 I understood most of them, so I thought I was doing a pretty good job of convincing people I was "normal".

But apparently not - I once made a joke in front of my cousins about wanting to go to Spain for all the hot Spanish guys (trust me, that isn't the reason I want to go to Spain but I was trying to convince my cousins I was a normal horny teenager like them) and they were so shocked saying "oh my god I did NOT expect that from you!!"

So yeah, apparently I still give off that innocent naive vibe I tried so hard to hide

I'm trying to embrace it now though and not get so irritated by that label, but it's a bit hard at university when everyone seems to be interested in sex or has had sexual experiences before except you. 

I've been constantly asking my roommates what certain things meant, even if I'm not as grossed out about sexual things as I used to.  I was probably grossed out before because my mom is absolutely sex-repulsed and I had to follow the biggest influence in my life for a long time.  I started learning what those innuendos meant in college, and I guess I learned more while playing Cards Against Humanity, mostly on my phone.  Testosterone makes my mind a little dirtier but I'm still not attracted to anyone.  I feel like I'm normalizing myself by trying to laugh at sexual jokes?  I still got called innocent at my last party though so still can't hide it.  I'm really glad that my friend group that I got in college did not talk sex at all, and the one I was closest to ended up being ace.

 

On 7/10/2019 at 1:26 AM, Scandiaca said:

I am trying to imagine, but none of my passions are that strong to make me act on something that would genuinely hurt somebody I care about. Like the worst I could imagine is eating the last of my favourite crisps. Nothing else would be... I guess as an infamous talk show host put it : "an irresistible impulse vs. an Impulse not resisted". 

I didn't do that and I still hurt.  I don't like being the last one to finish shared food because I don't want to be seen as greedy.  So once I ate some chips but didn't finish it off.  My mom actually yelled at me because there was so little left, meaning that I enticed her, making her think there was chips left.  My mom yells at me for many trivial things though.

 

On 7/10/2019 at 6:35 AM, Overcomplicate Everything said:

A while back I was starting to think I was a lesbian because I didn't know the difference between 'aesthetic' and 'sexual' attraction. "Oh, that guy has nice hair, that girl has a nice face, wait..is this what sexual attraction is?" No. No it isn't. I even told my mom I thought I was a lesbian, or at least bi, because I felt generally the same about both genders. She did not react well. 

Months later, I was researching LGBT and found asexuality and thought, "Huh. That girl did have a nice face, but I don't want to get in her pants, I've never wanted to get in anyone's pants! Why would I?!" Easy to say I found my orientation.

But now I can't tell my mother I'm asexual because the past incident would make her think I am bluffing. I wonder how she hasn't noticed shirtless men on tv don't inspire the same reaction from me that it does from her.

My issue was platonic vs romantic.  I was actually squishing on some of my female friends in middle and high school.  Being gay was still not seen positively at the time, probably because of lack of info.  In addition to that, I was caught up in my mom's "keeping face" and had to be as "normal" as possible.  She did actually straight up ask me once when I was 12 if I was gay.  Of course I denied it, but I did worry that I was a lesbian.  There was an acquaintance I had in middle school who told me that tomboys tend to become (butch) lesbians.  I was definitely afraid of that.  (If I remember correctly who said that, the person eventually considered themselves androgynous in gender so they weren't a tomboy.)  I thought I told my mom everything, but ironically, I hid a lot from her, including the internalized homophobia.  I remembered with my squishes, I actually thought about them outside of school, a few times a day even.  I fantasized about hanging out with them one-on-one and then this part, I'm not sure where it came from, but I would be a hero that saved them from some bad situation.  I guess this was similar to the role I imagined myself in a Disney movie, the knight that saved the girl, dropped her off somewhere safe, let her marry someone else, and then I be on my way to a different adventure.  Then for this it could be changed to that I was really good friends with the girl, saved her, then keep being her friend even after the saving.  It's possible that this had something to do with me feeling worthless growing up friendless, so I needed something to make me feel strong and capable, and then getting a friend.

 

I'm confused about my mom though.  I think she's ace, definitely experiences aesthetic attraction since she can rate things, but she just about never expresses her feelings.  I've only heard her say someone was good looking, like three times in my life.

 

10 hours ago, Nadia O. said:

Oh man. That had to make you lose your appetite real quick. *cringe* Being forced to listen to "the talk" is worse than just having the talk.

Since my mom is pretty cold and doesn't think about how people feel very much, there was a time that she, my cousin, and I went to eat pizza for lunch.  The topic was about how my dad's been watching porn, because we hear uncomfortable noises coming from his room, usually at night.  Can I just eat pizza in peace?

 

3 hours ago, bookwormgirl said:

When we were both teenagers, my younger sister would create power point slides of "hot" guys and then force me to watch it with her. I usually just did it so she'd stop bothering me about it. But geez, I thought they were boring. 😴

My dormmates during my first year of college decided posters of shirtless guys were appropriate decorations for our living room.  I let them have their fun because of the 13 "girls", 3 of us were introverts, and we all became friends who didn't really hang out in the living room.  I once walked in there during their early planning stages and I heard, "we got our work cut out for us".  Oh geez, they're making a project out of this.

[PittAce92]

On 7/7/2019 at 8:19 AM, griffinej5 said:

Well, according to at least some of my lesbian friends, that’s the vibe I was giving off. Ummm... nope. I’m a little curious to get more opinions, but also no. 

I've been told that me just being extra nice is what is called giving off, but it is me just making an effort!

[griffinej5]

1 minute ago, PittAce92 said:

I've been told that me just being extra nice is what is called giving off, but it is me just making an effort!

Crap? Being nice gives off a vibe? I try to be confusing there. Sometimes, I’m very nice, but also sometimes I’m a bit of a jerk. Mostly verbally I’m not that nice, but I think in actual action, I am nice. 

I think the people who were assuming lesbian were getting this because they always saw me with a certain friend. We’re also Facebook friends, so they can see that I’m also with her a lot of other times. If there is something else that gave them this impression, I’m not ready to ask. 

[PittAce92]

On 7/9/2019 at 10:49 AM, Ayra Star said:

I'm trying to embrace it now

That is great! Really is all you can control anyway! 

 

On 7/9/2019 at 10:49 AM, Ayra Star said:

but it's a bit hard at university when everyone seems to be interested in sex or has had sexual experiences before except you.

That is why I just kept the conversation at classes, even if I looked nerdy with zero interests. So I know where you are coming from.

[PittAce92]

14 minutes ago, griffinej5 said:

I try to be confusing there.

I try as well, but when I am tired more days than not (and most other times as I hate socializing!), I put in more effort which seems like I "want more" (I guess?! ).

[Ayra Star]

9 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I still got called innocent at my last party though so still can't hide it.

At my 18th my three closest friends slept over and all they did the whole night was tease me about my innocence and talk about all their sexual experiences in excruciating detail. It had been a really good party up until then and I didn't want to kill the vibe by asking them to stop, but I felt really excluded from the conversation and it was my own party. 

One of the friends has since apologised but the other two still think it was just a light-hearted joke to me. 

 

9 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

My issue was platonic vs romantic.  I was actually squishing on some of my female friends in middle and high school. 

Same! I've had so many 'friendship crushes' on girls that it made me question for ages if I was actually romantically attracted to girls too. I've always been somewhat aesthetically attracted to girls as well, they're just so pretty!

 

9 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I'm not sure where it came from, but I would be a hero that saved them from some bad situation.  I guess this was similar to the role I imagined myself in a Disney movie, the knight that saved the girl, dropped her off somewhere safe, let her marry someone else, and then I be on my way to a different adventure.  Then for this it could be changed to that I was really good friends with the girl, saved her, then keep being her friend even after the saving.  It's possible that this had something to do with me feeling worthless growing up friendless, so I needed something to make me feel strong and capable, and then getting a friend.

Haha I had similar fantasies! I used to imagine what would happen if I suddenly developed superpowers in the middle of the schoolyard and then everyone would want to be my friend, and the girl I was squishing on would become best friends with me 😂

[Ayra Star]

6 hours ago, PittAce92 said:

That is why I just kept the conversation at classes, even if I looked nerdy with zero interests. So I know where you are coming from.

 

Yeah the few conversations I've had with people from my classes are always about class, and I feel super boring for it. 

[KeKatCookie]

On 7/10/2019 at 2:35 PM, Overcomplicate Everything said:

 

. 

[will123]

52 minutes ago, KeKatCookie said:

Aesthetic attraction is a big one for me, I think. I see a lot of people as beautiful. 

But I don't want to kiss them or make out with them. Eugh, no. 

That would be me as well. I don't think my friend could get his head around that. Mind you being sexual he would be looking at the other person in a 'different light'. 

[nerdperson777]

On 7/11/2019 at 7:51 PM, griffinej5 said:

Crap? Being nice gives off a vibe? I try to be confusing there. Sometimes, I’m very nice, but also sometimes I’m a bit of a jerk. Mostly verbally I’m not that nice, but I think in actual action, I am nice. 

I think the people who were assuming lesbian were getting this because they always saw me with a certain friend. We’re also Facebook friends, so they can see that I’m also with her a lot of other times. If there is something else that gave them this impression, I’m not ready to ask. 

There was this guy who didn't go to my school but occasionally joined in club activities.  I had a friend who brought me into the club and I stuck to her like all the time, because I'm so awkward in social situations.  That guy kept saying that she was my "other half".  No matter how much I denied it, he still believed in it.

 

On 7/12/2019 at 2:57 PM, KeKatCookie said:

You could tell her you're ace. Might help things especially if she acted badly to the bisexual thing. 

 

Honestly for me, I'm an artist, so I have a natural appreciation for anything beautiful - including people. I say to my mum I think a guy is handsome, or a girl is pretty, she knows me well enough to know I don't mean it in a romantic / sexual way. Aesthetic attraction is a big one for me, I think. I see a lot of people as beautiful. 

But I don't want to kiss them or make out with them. Eugh, no. 

I believe my mom is ace, but with aesthetic attraction.  She uses hot to refer to a sports player who scores a lot of points.  I think it's a bit weird that she uses hot as the adjective though, because of the usual connotation.

[will123]

6 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

There was this guy who didn't go to my school but occasionally joined in club activities.  I had a friend who brought me into the club and I stuck to her like all the time, because I'm so awkward in social situations.  That guy kept saying that she was my "other half".  No matter how much I denied it, he still believed in it.

Denying things sometimes doesn't accomplish what you want.

 

In the 80s I was in regular company of a girl that I considered just a platonic friend. My friends considered her my 'girlfriend' and that we were having sex. Neither of which were true.

[Tree snake]

I shoul have come out as Ace when everyone in my family started hinting Gay is ok and I had no idéa what they where on about, other than all of them coming out as accepting of LGBT. 

(They didn't know I was Ace, thought maybe I was gay, even though I hadn't said anything at all, and wanted to show they were ok with it.)

[will123]

I've noticed that some females identify as lesbian before they find out about asexuality. For those that have gone thru this, is it because you think you must be a lesbian since you aren't sexually attracted to males or actual sexual activity with females.

 

I'm not so sure if the later applies as I don't think any have mentioned. I'm thinking it's more of an assumption because they don't want sex with a guy.

 

 

[Morgan124]

deleted

Edited September 10, 2019 by Morgan124

[SupercalifragilisticNugget]

8 hours ago, Morgan124 said:

I should have known I was asexual af when I was reading a romance book, and it was like 'it was hard being together as much as their bodies required', in reference to them having sex, and I was like, wait, you actually, like, crave to be with someone sexually? Like, that's a thing? People physically crave to have sex with someone? I couldn't comprehend it. Anyone else feel like this?

  I read over your comment and was thinking about it for a good 10 minutes, and it still doesn’t make sense.

  For me, I don’t think I ever crave or deeply desire to be around or with anyone in particular.. To be completely honest, to have that strong of urges to have or do anything is something completely unfamiliar to me. O.o 

  So I don’t really even have a possibly similar feeling to compare to that scenario.

 

 

Am I having an ace moment? Σ('◉⌓◉’)

[nerdperson777]

On 7/14/2019 at 8:46 AM, will123 said:

Denying things sometimes doesn't accomplish what you want.

 

In the 80s I was in regular company of a girl that I considered just a platonic friend. My friends considered her my 'girlfriend' and that we were having sex. Neither of which were true.

Well, if I said yes, then he could spread the rumor around the club, my friend would be on me for it, as she's a sex-repulsed ace.  Then I once told the story about accidentally handing her a condom so I probably didn't have to do anything anyway.  She's now dating some older guy who seems ace.  I hadn't gone to her social media profile in a while but it does publicize her relationship.  Some guy we know was celebrating that they "did it".  She was like NO! in the comments while that guy was just going YES everywhere on it.  But I know for sure they aren't having sex because I have seen her disgust and she told me that she explicitly told her boyfriend no sex, who didn't care and said he was fine.

 

On 7/14/2019 at 2:12 PM, will123 said:

I've noticed that some females identify as lesbian before they find out about asexuality. For those that have gone thru this, is it because you think you must be a lesbian since you aren't sexually attracted to males or actual sexual activity with females.

 

I'm not so sure if the later applies as I don't think any have mentioned. I'm thinking it's more of an assumption because they don't want sex with a guy.

 

In my case, I said I treated everyone the same so that friend probably thought I was bi.  I said it pretty disinterestedly so maybe she didn't.  But I realized that it might have been a little bit of a lie because I prefer hanging out with girls way more than guys.

 

6 hours ago, SupercalifragilisticNugget said:

  I read over your comment and was thinking about it for a good 10 minutes, and it still doesn’t make sense.

  For me, I don’t think I ever crave or deeply desire to be around or with anyone in particular.. To be completely honest, to have that strong of urges to have or do anything is something completely unfamiliar to me. O.o 

  So I don’t really even have a possibly similar feeling to compare to that scenario.

 

 

Am I having an ace moment? Σ('◉⌓◉’)

If I have any urges, it would've been platonic and/or sensual, but even then it's demi/grey so I can probably name all the people in my life I've had the attraction to.  But the way I interpreted the question was attraction in general, including romantic and sexual and platonic, sensual so I still think about my rare instances of attraction.

[KeKatCookie]

On 7/12/2019 at 11:48 PM, will123 said:

. 

[KeKatCookie]

On 7/15/2019 at 9:35 AM, Morgan124 said:

 

. 

[Greyberries]

I only just discovered that I am ace recently! Now looking back i’ll list some of my very ace thoughts:

 

-never dated anyone or had crushes on real people, even though high school and college 

 

- watching American sitcoms and thought “people irl are not THAT obsessed with sex right? That can’t be real!”

 

- i consider myself open minded yet I asked myself why am I so disgusted and opposed to sex

 

- im definitely not a conservative christian but I get sad that the majority dont wait until marraige.

 

- ever since i learned about oral sex, i thought (and still do) that it’s the most horrifying and disgusting things to do! I mean the mouth is for eating nice food! The idea of kissing on the mouth also disgusts me btw. 

 

- took me a long time to be open to hugging

 

- i thought the definition of demisexual was the norm

 

-hated everything romance genre. Always thought it was a waste of time

 

- why does everyone need to ship a character with another character??

 

- and why do u have to turn them gay if canonically the character clearly does not have any romantic interests??

 

-btw i enjoyed twilight. Only the beginning part where bella starts stalking a strange guy at school.  Couldve turned into a good crime thriller. After they met i wanted to put the book down but all my friends told me it gets waaay better. It did not. 

 

Haha this was fun to think about!

 

[Liana]

1 hour ago, Greyberries said:

 ever since i learned about oral sex, i thought (and still do) that it’s the most horrifying and disgusting things to do! I mean the mouth is for eating nice food!

Same, I don’t understand why anyone would want their mouth anywhere near that area. My psychology textbook claims that it’s a common view to see that as one of the “safest” sex methods. I would rather be stuck with the taste of my own vomit over that.