Sexual partners: Have any of you tried to deliberately kill/reduce your sex drive?

[anamikanon]

Found this article https://www.livestrong.com/article/60852-lower-sex-drive/

 

Was considering trying some of the ideas. Because frankly, the sex drive is more of a problem than a pleasure in my life.

 

Any of you have tried something like this? What worked, what didn't? If it is even worth going there... kind of thing.

[Philip027]

Quote

Exercise frequently. Working out reduces your testosterone levels while increasing cortisol. Marathon runners frequently have lower-than-average testosterone levels because of this.

Can't comment on the rest because I am not plagued with a sex drive, but...

 

I'm unsure of what to think about that one.  In addition to hearing before that exercise can outright increase sex drive, I personally have low testosterone (and high cortisol, appropriately enough) but I've been told that's in part *because* I don't work out.  I don't know if this is a "what came first, the chicken or the egg" sort of scenario going on here, or what.

[Telecaster68]

31 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Can't comment on the rest because I am not plagued with a sex drive, but...

 

I'm unsure of what to think about that one.  In addition to hearing before that exercise can outright increase sex drive, I personally have low testosterone (and high cortisol, appropriately enough) but I've been told that's in part *because* I don't work out.  I don't know if this is a "what came first, the chicken or the egg" sort of scenario going on here, or what.

I've seen far more anecdotal reports of people feeling more horny from an exercise regime too. I guess the dopamine hit helps take the edge off as a short term measure though. 

 

SSRI antidepressants and the contraceptive pill are also commonly cited as reducing libido as a frequent side effect too. 

 

But actually, I'm not sure medicating is a good idea. I doubt they'd dull your libido without affecting anything else about your personality, and changing who you are in other ways. We aren't much further along in our understanding of medicating the brain than hit and miss really. 

[Cobie]

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

... I'm not sure medicating is a good idea. I doubt they'd dull your libido without affecting anything else about your personality, and changing who you are in other ways. We aren't much further along in our understanding of medicating the brain than hit and miss really. 

(I haven't followed this thread, but) ^^ I agree.

[anamikanon]

20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But actually, I'm not sure medicating is a good idea. I doubt they'd dull your libido without affecting anything else about your personality, and changing who you are in other ways. We aren't much further along in our understanding of medicating the brain than hit and miss really. 

I read around a bit more and... you seem to be right. There is nothing reliable. The few that are there are more about men. No one appears to have done any serious research on decreasing libido of women. There appears to be nothing without side effects I may not want other than stuff like eating more soya and what not. Mostly seems to be voodoo science.

 

Something with side effects I don't want, because if it is going to give me emotional instability, mood swings and such, I might as well go with the predictable kind of emotional instability I have right now.

 

Personally, exercise hasn't made a dent in my libido at all. I may even feel more horny. I don't know why that suggestion is there.

[Telecaster68]

I've found exercise makes me feel less antsy for a while, but that's about it. 

[Traveler40]

I’ve always had a healthy sex drive, but after my hysterectomy it went through the roof.  I was self stimulating a minimum of 3 times per day and had to leave work earlier than usual to take care of business early last year.  It was a nightmare and part of why I final “broke” and had to enlist a lover.

 

My point for the greater good:  I found through extensive trial and error that when I finally learned to hit a deep, powerful orgasm it knocked my libido back.  Now, I’m perfectly fine with once per day and sometimes can skip a day if need be.

 

Notably, the sexual edge is gone as well.  I’m far less snippy when hitting a truly fulfilling orgasm - albeit alone.

 

@anamikanon thank you for provoking thought.  

 

Edit: Porn was a problem.  It actually prevented the deep orgasm (which I was unaware of back then), and therefore kept me from discovering how to hit that deeper experience.  Once I stopped the porn, it allowed for my brain to kick in which was the key.  I desire to share with a man, but I can handle that urge well enough at the moment.

[Chimeric]

If you feel that you need to medicate away a perfectly natural response and an inherent part of you, is it possible that it may be time to end the relationship?

[anamikanon]

12 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

If you feel that you need to medicate away a perfectly natural response and an inherent part of you, is it possible that it may be time to end the relationship?

No. The relationship is very special and very important and if it boils down to being frustrated for the rest of my life, it still beats not having him around. And this isn't an unsolvable problem. There are multiple solutions. One or the other or several will click with time. We are already doing mostly ok.

 

Losing my sex drive wouldn't be a huge loss if my partner didn't want it anyway and it was creating problems. I think it is a fairly "natural response" for someone in love to seek solutions that will make the relationship work. That said, it was more of a seeking of information. I'm not ready to ditch my sex drive at all costs including side effects and what not, as you clearly see from my next post. There is no "need to medicate away a natural response", but a seeking of information about what I thought could be one way of solving the mismatch. If I didn't want sex, I wouldn't miss it either. Problem solved. Except, there is no practical way to do it - I researched. 

 

Doesn't mean I'm out to harm myself or something. It was worth finding out. I'm exploring fifty kinds of information for solutions from seeking a poly relationship to this. Currently, my partner has actually for the first time realized just how much sex means to me, and not being averse, has put it bluntly as him being perfectly fine to masturbate me absolutely whenever I wanted it and is also planning to offer sex more often. He simply had not understood how much it means to me, not having a reference point himself. However it pans out, will be better than what we have, which is ok enough most of the days unless I'm feeling too hopeless.

 

Clearly both of us are willing to put the needs of the other first. No sense breaking up.

[uhtred]

A lot of people claim that excessive porn use causes people to lose interest in sex with their partners.

[Traveler40]

14 hours ago, uhtred said:

A lot of people claim that excessive porn use causes people to lose interest in sex with their partners.

Uhtred, that may be, but this is really beside the point.  I suspect (at least on this forum) many would prefer to enjoy their partners sexually - fully.  Porn is a tool that helps when that’s “all they got”.  

 

My point was essentially that porn makes it all end too quickly and is therefore ultimately less fulfilling or sustaining than other means of hitting an orgasm.

[Traveler40]

I think it’s a common thought among sexuals who choose to stay -  “If only I could lose my sex drive...”.

 

I have even thought out probabilities:

 

1. IF I CAN make it through menopause, maybe then my drive will drop.

 

2. IF I CAN Scuba dive more often (essentially refocus my energy into other activities), I won’t want it....

 

3. IF I CAN snuggle my kids enough perhaps I won’t need more hugs....

 

4. IF I CAN just focus on what matters -(the trust, respect, stability and friendship in my relationship)

 

IF I CAN...   It never really stops.  The natural desire and ever present libido are the slow drip water torture.  Thus, the question posed by the OP.

 

The problem is, it’s not just the sex/libido for some of us.  It’s the complete and total lack of any physical intimacy of any kind.  There is No hand holding, No cuddles, No kisses, zero touch, and no mistaken grazing....none of it.  It’s as arid as the Sahara around here, and I’m dying of thirst.  Death of my libido really wouldn’t solve much.  

 

Yet I choose to stay.  An otherwise wonderful life entwined.  There is no easy path.

[MrDane]

I have, with some succes, tried to change my focus from “oh, I’m not getting that much good sexy sex”  to “I love living with her and I really enjoy the times when she can feel it is nice to give me sex, though she never desires sex”.

[helana12_03]

As far as I know nothing can help an asexual person want to have sex. Asexals don't have a sex drive. 

[anamikanon]

I wonder if hypnosis would work. It sure works for other things people like to do - to make them seem unappealing - smoking, drinking.... worth trying to see if it will work for sex if anyone knows a hypnotherapist who is game...

[Telecaster68]

@anamikanon - it occurs to me, how do you think your partner would feel about you doing that? How would you feel about him trying hypnosis to gain a more usual sex drive? 

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

 

 

[anamikanon]

47 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

@anamikanon - it occurs to me, how do you think your partner would feel about you doing that? How would you feel about him trying hypnosis to gain a more usual sex drive? 

I don't know. If it seems something I want to do after thinking it through, I could ask him. Frankly, I'm not sure it will work, or work as intended. But it is an idea worth exploring the next time things get too frustrating. Right now it seems like it would be a huge loss. But frankly, if I don't want it, and if it lets our life together settle down better, I imagine I'd appreciate it. Who knows. 

 

If nothing else, it will give my mind something to do instead of fixating on what is missing. Even if I never do it, the process of finding out whether and how it can be done could be interesting from a psychological perspective.

[mrbeanatural]

On 3/4/2018 at 1:38 PM, Traveler40 said:

I think it’s a common thought among sexuals who choose to stay -  “If only I could lose my sex drive...”.

 

I have even thought out probabilities:

 

1. IF I CAN make it through menopause, maybe then my drive will drop.

 

2. IF I CAN Scuba dive more often (essentially refocus my energy into other activities), I won’t want it....

 

3. IF I CAN snuggle my kids enough perhaps I won’t need more hugs....

 

4. IF I CAN just focus on what matters -(the trust, respect, stability and friendship in my relationship)

 

IF I CAN...   It never really stops.  The natural desire and ever present libido are the slow drip water torture.  Thus, the question posed by the OP.

 

The problem is, it’s not just the sex/libido for some of us.  It’s the complete and total lack of any physical intimacy of any kind.  There is No hand holding, No cuddles, No kisses, zero touch, and no mistaken grazing....none of it.  It’s as arid as the Sahara around here, and I’m dying of thirst.  Death of my libido really wouldn’t solve much.  

 

Yet I choose to stay.  An otherwise wonderful life entwined.  There is no easy path.

I love this. I could have written it myself. I can see it in her face how uncomfortable she is when I hold her hand, try to kiss her at when I get home, even make harmless flirtation. She assures me she loves me but it's just hard. Sometimes it would be nice to get physical confirmation and it doesn't even have to be sex.

[mrbeanatural]

On 3/10/2018 at 3:06 AM, helana12_03 said:

As far as I know nothing can help an asexual person want to have sex. Asexals don't have a sex drive. 

I con confirm this. No amount of self-improvement or therapy will make them change their hard-wired brain chemistry. 

[AthenaFay]

I did consider it, but I couldn't go through with anything in the end.

 

It felt too much like I was trying to eradicate a fundamental part of myself for my partner, which just didn't sit well with me, because the truth was still, deep down, I wanted to have sex. I wanted a good sex life, I wanted to enjoy sex, and I wanted someone to enjoy me sexually. It would have felt too much like a form of self-harm if I went down the route of trying to abolish a part of me that was perfectly healthy, fine, and didn't need changing. 

 

It was one of those things where, even on the off-chance that something did work, and I managed to lower my sex drive, I didn't know how much it would mess me up psychologically. 

 

I didn't even last long in that relationship after he came out, and it still messed me up psychologically more than I could ever have imagined. So yeah, I don't advise it. 

 

 

[Telecaster68]

... and welcome back!

[NapoliGirl]

On 3/4/2018 at 1:38 PM, Traveler40 said:

 

The problem is, it’s not just the sex/libido for some of us.  It’s the complete and total lack of any physical intimacy of any kind.  There is No hand holding, No cuddles, No kisses, zero touch, and no mistaken grazing....none of it.  It’s as arid as the Sahara around here, and I’m dying of thirst.  Death of my libido really wouldn’t solve much.  

 

Yet I choose to stay.  An otherwise wonderful life entwined.  There is no easy path.

Amen, Amen,Amen to that.  Exactly what I have been living.  However I am at the point where I am seriously considering not staying.  Can't do it anymore, it is literally sapping the living life out of me.  Lost 20 lbs in 6 months after I "woke up" to my reality two years ago.  Am just starting to climb out of my 2-year abyss of depression. Twenty-seven years managing all of this and I don't want to live the next 27 years in this marriage; sorry folks, there's no "fixing" things. No nothing.  

[Roanch]

For me keeping healthy, exercising, playing sport, being happy and positive, achieving things, eating healthier, reducing stress all contribute to sex drive. I’m sure spending more time on the sofa eating crisps being lazy, negative, eating junk, would help reduce my drive but why would anyone want to change like that?

 

NB Despite what i said above I’ve just agreed with sex counselor to reduce my sport. 

[nansialex]

I finally looked at it this way, no one, no matter what their orientation, should have to twist themseleves into a psychological and physical pretzel to attempt to make a relationship work, let alone physically assault themselves with medications in the process.  Better to end romantic ties, remain friends perhaps, and move on. Life is way too short to spend it being miserable trying to be something you are not.

[Blondbear]

On 3/3/2018 at 7:41 AM, anamikanon said:

Found this article https://www.livestrong.com/article/60852-lower-sex-drive/

 

Was considering trying some of the ideas. Because frankly, the sex drive is more of a problem than a pleasure in my life.

 

Any of you have tried something like this? What worked, what didn't? If it is even worth going there... kind of thing.

 

Why should I do that crazy thing?

[Zoaea]

On 4/1/2018 at 1:51 PM, Blondbear said:

 

Why should I do that crazy thing?

*Siiiiigh...* Imagine how it would feel to someone suffering from sex addiction or nymphomania, or maybe just plain are getting frustrated by a strong need, to see that statement. She was not telling you to lower your libido. Some people need to or want to for diverse reasons, it might be rare, it might not apply to you, but there is no excuse for labling it with 'crazy'. /Rant

 

Ahems, to the OP. It seems like the mean excessive exercise (marathon training is way beyond most exercise routine), so my guess as a nurse is that moderate exercise helps improve health and circulation (both things that would improve sex drive to your bodies natural state of it), while running 15+miles a day excessive exercise probably starts shutting down those hormones. For example some female athletic persons can miss periods, have reduced fertility, when their body is pushed so hard, I imagine if it effects hormones like that it will possibly impact libido too. I am making an assumption here. Also hormones are manufactured with fats, lack of it in the diet or body is likely why it's connected and mentioned in the article.

 

On a personal note, I was subconsciously avoiding husband's physical touch because I was worrying that it would lead to more than I want and he'd get angry at me if I declined. At the same time I was suffering my own loneliness and isolation. I drew a picture for him of off limits areas (without permission, not perm off limits) and told him how I was craving plutonic touch. We also whent over that me saying no thanks was not a rejection of him. We have been increasing our hug time and I can feel safe cuddling on the couch with out it turning into a grope fest. We also schedule our intimate time, me personally I like at least 24 hours to process the idea. (He gets two sexy time tokens to 'turn in' a week, if I decline a day I try to set up the day I want, for example "Friday I'll be too tired from work, lets make it Saturday"). As a note I'm only sex adverse if he's being a jerk, which would probably impact a sextual just as much, tbh. I'm mostly always random grope/kiss adverse tho, even when I'm very happy with him. You and your husband have been in a relationship for at least a while, might be a matter of trying to uncover hidden triggers that send him running for space. I'm still in the middle of rebuilding my relationship, but I write to you with warmest regards and hope that I might help a second couple even a smidgen. GL. 

[TryingWife]

@Zoaea

On 4/7/2018 at 1:11 PM, Zoaea said:

 

[Zoaea]

2 minutes ago, TryingWife said:

@Zoaea  thank you for sharing the strategy you have worked out with your partner.  How did you present the idea of scheduled sex without him hearing it as you think it's a chore?

 

This is so me.  How did you get him to understand this?

 

Hum well it evolved slowly through multiple steps, all before I knew about asexuality. We just knew we had vastly different libidos. The 24 hour thing is the most recent change, and it evolved about 3 months ago. I found if he sprung, "can I use a token right now", I was saying no 90% of the time. I noticed that when we planned a token use ahead I was more like 75% yeses and even the no's were just minor adjustments to time. It's also more related toy personality than anything, I hate interruptions to my plans and I plan about a day a head (thus the 24 hr). I found that when it's in my plan I don't feel resentful of 'wasted time' or from interruptions.

 

As far as the chore thing, um well sometimes he does feel that way, mostly when I'm complaining about wasting 'me' time, so the 24hr thing actually helped that out quite a bit. I also try not to use words like that, lol. Oh and we have time limits (20 min), activity type is by my say (sometime things are gross to me when other times they aren't, I figured out if I ignore and push through that it is harmful to our relationship). But with those things in place I can get my head in the game and be emotionally present, which is what he was missing before this system evolved. I typically need music or some secondary sense stimulation or I'll start talking about 'boring' stuff like what to make for dinner. XD 

 

But we evolved this system as a team as well, both giving feed back. And I did have to mention quite a few times that scheduled sex is practical yes, but a common practice especially among parents (even sextuals have a hard time getting it on with kids under foot). It's actually from a parenting blog I found the idea. We found the balance of amount first, 3 was too much and burnt me out, 2 was a good fit as he has high libido. Then it was type of activity/time restraints (which were more because over doing it would make me become frustrated, bored or resentful). 20 mins and I don't get bored and can be playful without moving into faking it territory. 

 

Back when I was rejecting him left and right it really hurt his feelings, scheduled helped stop that, and gave us both a sense of empowerment. Also, as a female I'll say don't have piv sex without arousal as it's painful (another reason it's good for me to have 24 hours hehe).

[anisotrophic]

On 3/3/2018 at 7:31 AM, Traveler40 said:

My point for the greater good:  I found through extensive trial and error that when I finally learned to hit a deep, powerful orgasm it knocked my libido back.  Now, I’m perfectly fine with once per day and sometimes can skip a day if need be.

+1. This works for me. (To expand with a vulgar detail, in case it helps another:

Spoiler

a waterproof Shibari Halo

)

 

On 3/4/2018 at 10:38 AM, Traveler40 said:

The problem is, it’s not just the sex/libido for some of us.  It’s the complete and total lack of any physical intimacy of any kind.  There is No hand holding, No cuddles, No kisses, zero touch, and no mistaken grazing....none of it.  It’s as arid as the Sahara around here, and I’m dying of thirst.  Death of my libido really wouldn’t solve much.  

  I'm sorry others have it so hard. I'm feeling pretty lucky.