Does romance necessarily mean emotional investment? What's your kind of romance?

[SirEl]

I've been thinking about what I want in a relationship and I've realised that since most family and friends are overprotective around me (I assume this is because I've been told I look very young and innocent) that it'd be nice to have a life partner that was just there for me by standing by and being available but distant rather than being solicitous and dominating. Some people are so emotional it drains me. I don't know if that would even be remotely close to a romantic relationship though, let alone a friendship. What do you think? And what's your idea of a relationship?

[Galactic Turtle]

All relationships need some type of investment. Romantic ones in particular I'd say... usually involve investment in building something together. Not always though. Romances that come to mind is the Doctor and River Song in Doctor Who. That was a type of romance that didn't really result in them building anything together. They just felt strongly for each other. In the real world, romantic relationships are usually seen and acted out as established things, changing your "status" from single to taken. When you establish something like that, investing in a combined future is usually the next step.

 

I like to be around people with similar interests as me. That's the basis of all of my friendships. However I get closer to my friends over time who match my level of ambition and have similar morals or way of thinking about things. It's nice to cheer people on in life and for them to cheer for you. While I've never desired a life partner, I do hope to keep in touch with the friends I make at different points in life. I'm at a point now where I've known one of my friends for 20 years. We might not live in the same city or talk daily, but we still share with each other our successes, failures, and concerns and when we're in the same town we spend hours talking and walking around together if possible. This is what I like. I am aromantic.

 

That being said, I do have another friend who is very emotionally high maintenance. She is attracted to men but is disillusioned when it comes to ever actually being with one. She tends to like the idea of people rather than the people themselves. She constantly talks about how she's always wanted that best friend. That friend that is there for her 24/7 and has her as their first priority and just understands her 100%. She's been rather down emotionally since we all graduated college just because with people getting jobs and moving away she lost that dynamic that a school atmosphere provides. As a kid she had trouble maintaining friendships and worries a lot about what others think of her. I think because of her personality she does want a type of platonic life partner if only to soothe her feelings of abandonment. It's hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes. I wonder if this is a side effect of her giving up on dating or if her unfulfilling friendships in the past have increased the intensity of her desired friendships for the future.

[MissMidnight]

Well relationships to me that i look for is well someone who id be happy waking up to everyday, someone who has similar interests but also their own interests. Someone whos there for me and me for them. Someone who will be completely open to me and is honest. Someone i can see myself living with and depending on and visversa. Someone who likes me for me. Its really hard to explain when i think about it. 

 

Friendships however i look for people who have similar interests that are easy to talk to and like me for me. Theres a big difference between the two for me emotionally but they are similar in other aspects.

[Fantastic Name]

While I have a few of those distant-ish friends, I don't think that dynamic would work very well for a romantic relationship. A relationship (for me, at least) is all about sharing your life with someone and helping each other become better people. I'm someone who needs that emotional intimacy and connection in order to get any real fulfillment out of a relationship. That's just how I am.

 

However, when I say this, I don't mean that I want a relationship with someone who's completely dependent on me and won't let me have a life of my own. There should be a balance between being so emotionally distant from one another that the relationship can't progress and having one be so obsessed and domineering over the other that it becomes unhealthy.

[Homer]

That sounds like "help me when I need you, but leave me alone otherwise". To me that's just a human crutch; making use of someone whenever one feels like it. I certainly wouldn't want to be in such a relationship, no matter if it's a friendship or anything else. It doesn't sound healthy at all. Can't imagine how a relationship of any kind is supposed to work without emotional investment.

[Sally]

I agree with Homer.  Providing emotional support (because that's what the person  would be doing) without receiving any emotional support/investment in return doesn't sound like a very happy situation for a life partner.  I don't know why anyone would wish the kind of relationship you are expecting.  It sounds more like a therapeutic situation than a life partnership, and as such, that person should be paid, as therapists are.  

[roland.o]

On 3/3/2018 at 4:59 AM, SirEl said:

a life partner that was just there for me by standing by and being available but distant rather than being solicitous and dominating.

Would you also stand by and be available for your partner? If yes, it might work. There's romance like "I can't spend enough time with you", but there's also romance like "I appreciate that we're always there for eachother if there is a need, but also that we meet only every other week to spend some quality time together". There are different levels of clingy-ness. You'll have to find a compatible partner. Less clingy might look or feel like less romantic, but if the partners have similar levels of need and availability, it can still be at the core of a lasting relationship. As always, communication is key.

[roland.o]

On 3/3/2018 at 4:59 AM, SirEl said:

And what's your idea of a relationship?

I think seeing someone every other week-end on average is about as much as I could handle without turning my life upside down. I'm currently kind of dating someone about every third week-end. We message in-between to keep in contact, though not daily. It feels good  

[Grumpy Alien]

If I’m not emotionally invested in someone, we’re acquaintances at best. I cannot experience romance with complete stranger I don’t care about. Romance is caring. I can’t see how romance can exist without any care for the other person. You can give a random person a rose and pay for their meal but that doesn’t mean those actions are romantic. It has to mean something. Sometimes the most romantic gestures are things no one understands but the giver and receiver - based on a deep connection and knowledge of who they are as people, going well above and beyond what anyone else would do to achieve the same results. 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 3.3.2018 at 6:40 AM, MissMidnight said:

Well relationships to me that i look for is well someone who id be happy waking up to everyday, someone who has similar interests but also their own interests. Someone whos there for me and me for them. Someone who will be completely open to me and is honest. Someone i can see myself living with and depending on and visversa. Someone who likes me for me. Its really hard to explain when i think about it. 

 

Friendships however i look for people who have similar interests that are easy to talk to and like me for me. Theres a big difference between the two for me emotionally but they are similar in other aspects.

I'm pretty much the same but it's really rare and hard to find. Most people don't really want to take their time to get to know, fight or invest feelings or effort in romantic relationships these days anymore. It's a fast time we're living in. I'm so happy for being fictoromantic therefore