Steel Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I keep seeing this as a recurring theme-an asexual who is with a sexual-and can't get the sex out of the relationship dynamic.... Do you feel that compromising, when sex is repugnant to you is degrading? Link to post Share on other sites
Wee_Little_Me Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 Um...what? I understand that a lot of asexuals dont want to have sex, and some even consider the act disgusting, but sex is natural. Now Im not saying spread your legs every night, but if you love the person I dont see why you wouldnt put out every once in a while to satisfy them. :? I dont understand this 'putting it up on a pedistal' thing. Yes, youre asexul. Yes, we know you dont enjoy sex. But if your parentner loves you enough to stay with you and not have sex when s/he really desires it, you should give at least an inch and give them the pleasure they so dearly want every once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Kassil Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I think Steel is referring to the people who are repulsed by sex and yet end up in a relationship with a sexual who needs it regularly. I daresay that would cause some cognitive dissonance, if nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Steel Posted June 4, 2006 Author Share Posted June 4, 2006 Yes kassil. I hear about this quite a bit here.......it seems a bit like forcing a diabetic to eat sugar. Link to post Share on other sites
HelloToYou Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I don't think it's degrading to compromise, but I do think it's degrading to try to make someone feel as though they should compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
LostPenguin Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 If you're the indifferent-type asexual and feel like compromising, you should. If you're indifferent and you don't feel like compromising, you shouldn't. And if you're repulsed in one way or another, you shouldn't have to, plain and simple. And if the relationship can't work that way (with no sex), then.. well... it probably won't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I agree with LostOenguin. What ehlps is knowing how you feel before you get into a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
mouth brooder Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I think Steel is referring to the people who are repulsed by sex and yet end up in a relationship with a sexual who needs it regularly. I daresay that would cause some cognitive dissonance, if nothing else. The term cognitive dissonance takes all the personal emotional issues out of the picture and seems to clear the way for some objective decision making. The term degrading has negative emotional connotations that may seemingly cloud rational decision making. Lost penguin emphasizes looking at the situation rationally. Hellotoyou emphasizes the emotional charge of the situation. Neither POV is superior to the other. What may be key is deciding whether or not one tends to feel degraded, and to make the decision accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
owen. Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I think it's degrading for someone to do something they don't want to just as some sort of "service" to the other person. Why would you want to do something to someone in a relationship they don't like? Isn't the whole point of kissing someone to make them smile? The idea of having sex when one person doesn't enjoy it makes me feel a little sick to the stomach. It's selfish. And it's absolutely beyond my comprehension how anyone could think having sex with someone who doesn't want it is any way intimate or romantic. I find it very disturbing, and it depresses me to even think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Steel Posted June 4, 2006 Author Share Posted June 4, 2006 I think it's degrading for someone to do something they don't want to just as some sort of "service" to the other person. Why would you want to do something to someone in a relationship they don't like? Isn't the whole point of kissing someone to make them smile? The idea of having sex when one person doesn't enjoy it makes me feel a little sick to the stomach. It's selfish. And it's absolutely beyond my comprehension how anyone could think having sex with someone who doesn't want it is any way intimate or romantic. I find it very disturbing, and it depresses me to even think about. Two simple words came to my mind in thinking on this, Owen. And what putting up with it must feel like..... "emotional prostitution" Link to post Share on other sites
Octarine Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I understand that a lot of asexuals dont want to have sex, and some even consider the act disgusting, but sex is natural. Sorry, but that arguement just doesn't work. Vomiting is natural, BO is natural, just because something is natural doesn't mean it's fun for everyone and doesn't make it any less gross. I don't see sex as natural, to me it seems like some weird psycological experiment involving scientists thinking of the most random thing ever and making everyone want to do it. I also think of it as.... I dunno.... dirty. I would be very ashamed of myself if I had sex, I don't know why. I haven't been raised to think that or anything, and I don't see it that way with other people, (as long as they don't tell it to me in detail) but I could never ever have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 For ME to compromise would feel degrading but a lot of people do it and I don't feel it's any of my business if they do or not, I just hope they don't feel pressured. I can't say I find sex itself to be disgusting, just the lack of manners people have about it. Two or three for four hundred consenting adults can do whatever they wish with each other (and they do) and it happens without my knowledge or opinion of it. But on dance floors, in theatres or just expecting that I'll join them is when it becomes offensive. Not the act but their poor manners repulses me. Link to post Share on other sites
Steel Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 For ME to compromise would feel degrading but a lot of people do it and I don't feel it's any of my business if they do or not, I just hope they don't feel pressured. I can't say I find sex itself to be disgusting, just the lack of manners people have about it. Two or three for four hundred consenting adults can do whatever they wish with each other (and they do) and it happens without my knowledge or opinion of it. But on dance floors, in theatres or just expecting that I'll join them is when it becomes offensive. Not the act but their poor manners repulses me. It's the lack of manners that bothers me too...but you know what they say about "assuming." Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I know they say it makes an Ass out of U and Me but I'm afraid I haven't seen the significance to it here. Link to post Share on other sites
Derp Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 No, it makes an ass out of U and Ming. :lol: Do we have a member named Ming? :? Link to post Share on other sites
Dargon Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 The idea of having sex when one person doesn't enjoy it makes me feel a little sick to the stomach. It's selfish. I must first say I speak as a indifferent asexual with no experience. I would say that to deny the sexual of such a strong desire would also be selfish on the part of the asexual. Anyhow, I think LostPenguin said it best. Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 No, it makes an ass out of U and Ming. :lol: Do we have a member named Ming? :? Not according to the member search I must first say I speak as a indifferent asexual with no experience. I would say that to deny the sexual of such a strong desire would also be selfish on the part of the asexual. I agree. I wouldn't compromise for them so I couldn't possibly expect them to compromise for me. I can understand why asexuality vs sexuality can put the kibosh on a couple who are spouses, I don't understand why it puts the kibosh on friendship though. Link to post Share on other sites
owen. Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I must first say I speak as a indifferent asexual with no experience. I would say that to deny the sexual of such a strong desire would also be selfish on the part of the asexual.Well, I'd disagree. I can see why someone would have a sexual urge (I myself have sexual urges) but I'd rather take care of that in another room by myself than by having awkward one-sided sex just to gratify myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Steel Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 I would certainly not want to let someone with a strong sex drive become emotionally attached to me. It's simply not fair to them. I may be asexual and aromantic-but that does not pervent me from having compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
Hexpiral Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I must first say I speak as a indifferent asexual with no experience. I would say that to deny the sexual of such a strong desire would also be selfish on the part of the asexual.Well, I'd disagree. I can see why someone would have a sexual urge (I myself have sexual urges) but I'd rather take care of that in another room by myself than by having awkward one-sided sex just to gratify myself. In that case, you shouldn't be in that relationship. Compromise goes both ways, you can't expect the other partner to concede everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 In that case, you shouldn't be in that relationship. Compromise goes both ways, you can't expect the other partner to concede everything. Yes you just have to read some of the emotionally charged posts in the sexual allies forum to relaise that some sexuals feel intensly frustrated and more to the point hurt that their partner refuses to even try to have sex with them. They feel they are the ones who are having to make all the compromise and not really getting anyhting back. Many sexuals feel sex is not a slefish act but that the point is to give pleasure to their partner. It's a very complicated issue and for an asexual/sexual relationship to work long term one would think that compromises have to made on bithe dsudes. No sex to a sexual can be just as distressing as an asexual ahving sex which why it's important to know where you stand and what are you willing to compromise *before* getting into sucha situation. Link to post Share on other sites
owen. Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I guess I just don't like the idea of giving without simultaneously taking, or taking without simultaneously giving. I don't get anything out of either. For me, the best part of any act is the giving, the making the other person happy. If the asexual enjoys the sex for some non-sexual reason than I can understand somewhat, but for me it's something else completely when one person is active and enjoying themself and the other is just taking it patiently without getting much or anything out of it. I don't like the idea of doing anything in a relationship that isn't reciprocal. Maybe I just can't sympathize all that well with sexuals because I'm a romantic with a sex drive, and somewhat understand, but have absolutely no interest in one-sided intercourse. It just makes me sick to think about. To me sex, like kissing, or hugging, should be about gratifying your partner, making them happy, not about yourself. When it's just some solitary thing it more like trying to implicate someone in your own masturbation. I have a friend who has no interest in sex but has it every day because she knows her boyfriend will leave her otherwise. Is that a "compromise"? Though I'm sorry, I guess this topic just upsets me :P Link to post Share on other sites
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