Is eye contact a difficult thing for asexuals?

[Derp]

Given that something like 90% of asexuals that have visited AVEN are introverted[....].

We are? I'm a major extrovert and something of a social butterfly. I have my shy moments but nothing serious. It would never have occured to me that there's a correlation between asexuality and being an introvert. Why would being asexual make one prone to being an introvert anymore than anything else would? My intention here is not to be argumentative, I'm genuinely curious.

Maybe not asexuals in general, but AVENites.. definitely. There was a poll on it here. But those results are kind of skewed by the fact that introverts tend to spend more time online, and would be more likely to see the poll in the first place.

[Posey]

Given that something like 90% of asexuals that have visited AVEN are introverted[....].

We are? I'm a major extrovert and something of a social butterfly. I have my shy moments but nothing serious. It would never have occured to me that there's a correlation between asexuality and being an introvert. Why would being asexual make one prone to being an introvert anymore than anything else would? My intention here is not to be argumentative, I'm genuinely curious.

Maybe not asexuals in general, but AVENites.. definitely. There was a poll on it here. But those results are kind of skewed by the fact that introverts tend to spend more time online, and would be more likely to see the poll in the first place.

Ah, thanks for clarifying. Yippy skippy, I'm a minority! Where are the other five extroverts

[Orbit]

As to changing... Comfort with eye contact may be in the DNA, but it's not like you can't decide to do it anyway. For many people it just doesn't occur to them to make the effort or that there may be benefits to it.

It wasn't until I was in college that someone told me 'You know, you never look people in the eyes and it sort of creeps people out.' It wasn't exactly the nicest way to say it, but it was an amazing revelation.

Nobody had ever told me I should look people in the eye. It was hard at first, but when I started doing it, I felt as if I had 'discovered' or been let in on some secret the rest of the world had to forming relationships that nobody had ever bothered to tell me.

Now I still get a bit edgy about eye contact, but I don't have any trouble doing it on purpose. It's a conscious decision for me. And my relationships are much more intimate and fulfilling than they were before I learned to do it because the truth is, for many people eye contact = trust. And a little bit of discomfort on my part enables me to give them what they need to trust me.

For your girlfriend, it has to be something she wants to do, not that you demand from her, but it can't hurt and would be beneficial to the relationship if you at least told her eye contact helps you feel close to her - even if she can't do it for long periods of time a bit of compromise isn't too much to ask. It is also helpful to you to know she is uncomfortable and it's not something to distrust her or take for what it isn't.

If you guys can compromise on something as small as eye contact, the difficulties that come on later in the relationship when you have something major to work on together will be much easier...

hawke

[141822]

I'm the opposite, I have to be looking at a person in the eye if either of us are talking.

[lena23]

i have no problem with eye contact at all. A lingering look is intimate without being physical, perfect!

[Rabger]

I'm not sure if it's common among asexuals. I personally don't have a problem with eye contact. It sounds like the problem might be related to some other kind of issue rather than her asexuality.

I agree with Ghosts. I don't have a problem with eye contact at all. Actually, I've been told that I may give too much eye contact (I was always told growing up that it was important), and sometimes it gives the wrong message, that maybe I'm interested. But really, I don't see what eye contact and sex or orientation have to do with each other. Perhaps she has self-esteem issues.

[riverrock]

A few days ago, a contributor to this board alerted me to the possibility that my partner has Asperger Syndrome. Since then, I've been trying to find as much time as possible to educate myself about this condition. Even after having spent 5 minutes reading a rundown of the typical symptoms and signs, I found myself saying, "yup, yup, that's her". She could be a textbook case of moderate Aspergers, and this is the reason for her difficulty with eye contact, and a potential cause of her asexual nature. Other conspicuous signs of Aspergers that she definitely exhibits on a regular basis are: 1. Inability to show empathy; 2. Inability to express, and in some cases, feel emotions; 3. Inability to talk about larger issues beyond 'yes' and 'no' answers; 4. Me having the feeling of isolation, and the perception that I am living with a stranger; 5. Complete inability to engage in eye contact, and reports from her indicating that she finds it uncomfortable; 6. Sound, light, and smell sensitivities; 7. Clumsiness and uncoordinated physical nature; 8. Complete inability to think abstractly or imaginatively; 9. Extreme sensitivity to touch; 10 Low desire for sexual contact or affection of any kind; 11. Extreme intelligence for logic, left-brained activities, and mathematics 12. All too frequent faux paus committed in social situations that leave me feeling wounded and awkward, and these are committed in a non-voluntary and non-deliberate manner; 13. Frequent and prolonged instances of "zoning" out in front of a TV and doing nothing beyond what would be considered normal; 14. High likelihood that her Father has an even more severe case of Aspergers; 15. Inability to comprehend and follow a balanced lifestyle.

The list could go on. The fact that she is female has enabled her to hide the condition for most of her life more effectively than males with the condition, in my opinion and based on what the research says. No two cases of Aspergers are alike, and I am sure that there are many of you reading the list of symptoms that would take exception to some of the indicators listed. Since last Fall, I've been under the impression that her eccentric nature was the result of a lack of sex drive, believe it or not. I was under the impression that an Asexual orientation spawned other odd behaviors and personality quirks. Now I realize that my partner's asexuality, rather than being a cause of these things, is actually just another effect of something greater-----Asperger Syndrome. From what I understand, not all cases of Aspergers feature asexuality, but there does definitely seem to be some kind of positive correlation between the existence of Aspergers and the presence of zero sex drive.

My main question is whether a healthy long term relationship is even possible between my partner and I, given the combination of her Asperger's temperament and my mild Adult Attention Deficit Disorder profile. My ADD traits, which I find are a huge gift and very advantageous for my work and other situations, have helped to create a personality that is very playful, fun-loving, optimistic, creative, imaginative, in need of ample communication, and very sensitive emotionally-----practically the opposite to the no-less-unique personality traits belonging to my Asperger's partner. To make matters worse, I have a very healthy sex drive which is simply not put to use while in this relationship. On the one hand, my ADD traits could be ideal for an Asperger's person, as I am not the type to simply "kick a person to the curb" because they don't meet my needs, as I am too sensitive and empathetic for that to happen. On the other, I am a very sensitive person, and the indifference and lack of affection and communication that accompanies an Asperger's person leaves me feeling somewhat hurt and invalidated at times.

What am I to do? Are there any of you who are both Aspie and Asexual that currently have, or have had, a boyfriend or girlfriend with a similar ADD-affected personality like mine? If so, how did the relationship work out?

Thank you all for your generous and amazing insights and feedback.

[sonofzeal]

I suppose I should wait for one of the many Apsies on the board to respond, but I will say that many aspies avoid dating NTs (NT = Neuro-Typical = person without Aspie/Autism) because it does make it harder for the relationship to work out. If you understand and accept the condition, and work hard at building up a strong skillset for dealing with it, then it can be made to work. It'll be hard for both of you though.

One thing I could mention is that there's some evidence to suggest that ADD might actually be related to Aspergers, as a mild variant manifestation of similar underlying tendancies. I'm not sure how much stock you should put in that, but it's something I've heard.

[Plur na mBan]

I was tesed when I was younger (12-ish) for all sorts of mind things (AS, ADD, AD/HD, IQ level, &c) by a doctor who was writing a book at the time. She ended up talking a lot with my mom, and even put a few stories from my childhood in the book, which is now published (Different Minds (a link)). Anyway, the point of this little dribble is, she determined that I have both AD/HD and AS, somehow . . . I have, and always have had, symptoms of both, so I believe it's definitely possible that they're connected. Yep. That's my story.

[riverrock]

One thing I could mention is that there's some evidence to suggest that ADD might actually be related to Aspergers, as a mild variant manifestation of similar underlying tendancies. I'm not sure how much stock you should put in that, but it's something I've heard.

I actually have a hard time accepting any form of relation between ADD and Aspergers. For me, the most profound and obvious effect of ADD traits upon my behaviour is endowing me with a very rich imagination and ability to engage in highly creative problem solving. My Aspie/Assexual partner is completely the opposite and, while highly skilled in mathematics, is simply unable to think in a creative, imaginative way. It's completely alien for her to do this, and she has told me this herself. Her thinking style is skewed to the far extreme of the left-brained/logical spectrum. For me, ADD is synonomous with extreme creativity and right brained thinking, while AS is equivalent to extreme logic and left brained thinking.

Perhaps the commonality that the two "conditions" share is that somewhere along the line the brain becomes wired to favour one hemisphere over the other. Maybe it has to do with the strength of the connecting circuitry between the left and right brains, who knows.

[Derp]

I actually have a hard time accepting any form of relation between ADD and Aspergers. For me, the most profound and obvious effect of ADD traits upon my behaviour is endowing me with a very rich imagination and ability to engage in highly creative problem solving. My Aspie/Assexual partner is completely the opposite and, while highly skilled in mathematics, is simply unable to think in a creative, imaginative way.

Whoa, there! :o Just wanted to point out that creativity and imagination (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with Asperger's. We can either have those traits or not have them, but that's something separate altogether. Just check out some of the long-running threads in Just For Fun sometime if you don't believe me. I believe the majority of those have been created and maintained by aspies...

[riverrock]

Thanks for clarifying the creativity/imagination isssue. I'll retract my statement about these traits being non-existent in Aspies, and the only reason why I made the observation was that my aspie girlfriend is exclusively left-brained. Not a very scientific observation on my part. However, I think it's worth pointing out that a disproportionately high number of Aspies fall into the ISTJ category on the Meyers Briggs scale (I believe the number is around 30% of the population according to an Aspie internet forum). Normally, ISTJs are only found in about 5% of the general population, and this particular disposition is known to thrive on concrete here-and-now thinking. However, I'm sure that there are a healthy number of INTJ aspies as well, with the Intuitive "N" denoting a penchant for creative thinking.

[Brodertun]

I'm INTJ and I've recently come to the conclusion that it would be impossible to deny that I have aspergers, even though I've never been diagnosed. I do have some experience with psychologiest trying to diagnose me but that was all pre 1994 and i wasn't very cooperative due to their attitudes. Or in the one case, due to the fact that I remembered taking the ink blot test two years prior, and reading the man's scores. and knew that I would be given an F if I said what I truly saw, so i decided to say nothing.

The one I've fallen for has aspergers and had he not told me, I never would have realized it.

Edit: I was wrong - I took a brief test and dug up my old results, I 'm istj on both of them

[MadRat]

I have a huge problem with eye contact. It is disturbing thing for me. I can´t focus both eye contact and what I´m talking about at the same moment. Moreover, the more is a person I´m talking to familiar to me, the more I keep eye contact with him/her, but only if I´m focused on it. It doesn´t work naturally.

I´ve never heard about asperger syndrom before, maybe this is what I´m...

[MadRat]

Thanks for clarifying the creativity/imagination isssue. I'll retract my statement about these traits being non-existent in Aspies, and the only reason why I made the observation was that my aspie girlfriend is exclusively left-brained. Not a very scientific observation on my part. However, I think it's worth pointing out that a disproportionately high number of Aspies fall into the ISTJ category on the Meyers Briggs scale (I believe the number is around 30% of the population according to an Aspie internet forum). Normally, ISTJs are only found in about 5% of the general population, and this particular disposition is known to thrive on concrete here-and-now thinking. However, I'm sure that there are a healthy number of INTJ aspies as well, with the Intuitive "N" denoting a penchant for creative thinking.

:D I don´t know if I have Aspergers syndrome and I have no taste for going to a lab and be examined. I like wearing sun-glasses, ´cause noone knows if I´m looking into his/her eyes or not.

But I have highly developped imagination, creativity and I´m very emotional. I´ve never undrestood mathematics.

[iff]

i have problems making eye contact with people. it's been like that since childhood.

[CopyFox]

It might be a side-effect of her asexuality, but it sounds to me like more is going on. Best option is asking her. Chances are she is very aware that she does it, and knows why, or at least has a suspicion.

I sometimes don't like to make eye contact with strangers. It feels kind of intimate. But I can force myself to if needs must, and I'm usually fine making eye contact with friends.

[Sally]

This thread was 5 years old so it's unlikely the OP is around anymore to look at answers.

[Tanwen]

Locking thread as OP has not visited the site in 5 years.

Tanwen

SPFA Mod