Fifty Years of Sex Starved Marriage

[Sexually Starved Survivor]

Fifty Years of Sex-Starved Marriage

 

At the age of 71, having endured a sex-starved marriage for fifty years, I finally have this opportunity to younger women who are enduring what I endured for so many years.  I have wanted to be on this “platform” speaking to these women all these years, but when I was young, there was no internet and sexual subjects were taboo in my world.  So, listen up women, it is time for some straight talk from someone who has had lots of experience with a sex-starved marriage.

 

I think I was groomed from birth onward to be sex-starved.  My conception, fourteen years after my only sibling can hardly have been intentional.  If I had to exist, I should have, at least been a boy, to please my parents.  They were European immigrants with little formal education and strict religious beliefs.  Surprisingly, their religion was not particularly anti-sex.  There was no prohibition against divorce, nor was divorce particularly difficult to obtain.  Social sanction against divorce spanned most religions in that era, but there were plenty of divorces anyway.  The “grooming” for being sex-starved began in my early teens.  Let me start with the parental position on masturbation (a word never pronounced in my house and unknown to me until I was in college).  My parents called it “playing with your self”.  It was not only prohibited, I was slapped and lectured if caught doing it, even as a child.  By the time I was in my teens being caught masturbating was considered cause for severe punishment which also included a lecture, rather vague, in which I was told that “doing it” I would “hurt” myself in some unexplained way. 

 

Oddly, I was allowed to date and I dated a lot.  In my early teens most dates were double dates.  They always ended with a parked car necking session.  My mother warned me not to let a boy kiss or touch me.  Her instructions were never more specific than that, except that some males would want to “hurt” me and that my life would be disgraced and ruined if I let them neck with me.

 

Mother Nature and teen age hormones will out.  They will always win!  With my genius IQ, I was able to research the medical “facts of life”.  With my personality and looks, I easily attracted a lot of suitable dates.  And, I was more than willing to participate in back seat necking sessions.  By my middle teens I had met a wonderful man, a school teacher in his early twenties.  We spent hours talking and learning about each other.  He never touched me, except to kiss me a few times.  We were waiting for the day I would graduate high school, turn eighteen, and we could marry.  My parents would not let me date him.  I was so angry and sexually frustrated that I turned to a boy my own age whom I was allowed to date and had sex with him.  When my parents somehow caught on, I was beaten and taken to the doctor.  No, I was not pregnant, nor did I have any ill effects from the sexual experience.  Returning home, I was treated so severely that it led to my trying to commit suicide.  I suffered a moderate heart attack but lived.  Fortunately, I was rescued by my older, married sister and her husband, brought to live with them in another part of the country, and finished high school in a more or less normal way.  My parents rejected me so completely that it was ten years before I saw them again.

 

In my senior year of college, my parents abruptly told me that they would not support me after I finished college and that I’d better find any kind of job I could get and, preferably, a husband.  I was panicked.  The year was 1968 and the worst part of the decline of the aerospace industry in a geographic area that was heavily dependent on that industry.  There were no jobs of any kind for female Anthropology majors and I was not qualified, for various reasons, to be a secretary. 

 

Along came my White Knight in his green Chevy.  He lived in the same apartment building, parked his car under my desk window, and waved every time he parked.  One day he appeared at my door, measuring cup in hand, to borrow a cup of sugar.  He also asked me for a date and I accepted.  Our dates were confined to going to soccer games which he loved.  It should have told me how selfish he was when he never suggested we do anything else.  Finally, I had to suggest it to him and he complied.  During this time, we did other things together, such as supermarket shopping, laundry, and other life tasks.

The relationship’s emphasis was not on sex, although it finally did occur.  He was inexperienced, to say the least, but I was still relatively very inexperienced.  He never lasted long enough for me to have an orgasm, seemed to hurry through the sex and to be ill at ease with it.  I was, naturally, unsatisfied and too inhibited to masturbate.   That went on about six months, by which time I’d known him a year.  Then he proposed and I accepted.  Looming very large in my mind was the fact that I could not find a white collar job in government or the private sector, and that my parents were going to stop sending me money in a month.  I never thought about missing a satisfactory sexual relationship.  I’d been groomed to think it was not important.  In those days he was kind, fairly affectionate, very attentive, and I thought the sexual relationship would develop.

 

I was wrong.  On our honeymoon, he refused to have sex with me and would not give a reason.  He seemed frightened.  When I asked him why, he just said he didn’t feel like it.

We returned home two days early.  I knew something was terribly wrong.  I confided in both my sister and my parents.  They said it was my problem and had no advice.

 

My upbringing and my parent’s rejection and sexual prohibitions had primed me perfectly for a marriage in which I would be rejected and sexually starved.  My economic circumstances improved, because I did eventually get a good job and went to GraduateSchool.  After that I had a very good career but in a kind of work that was not stable.  My self image, as a woman, was almost annihilated by that time.  Also during this time, my parents, when I expressed my unhappiness on one occasion, told me that if I left my husband, I couldn’t live with them until I reorganized.  They also told me that they would disinherit me if I left my husband.  My sister had died of cancer.  I had no other family support network.  When my husband decided, for reasons still a mystery to me, that he wanted a child, suddenly he was willing to engage in sex!  Our daughter was conceived lamentably quickly.  Then it was back to rejection.

 

The rejection, as the years went bye, assumed many forms.  He did not want to have sex because:  I was too fat; I was too sexually demanding; I complained too much; I was “frigid”!; I was too depressed; I always wanted to have sex at the wrong time (all time!), and so on and so forth.    I’m still trying to figure out how I could be too sexually demanding and frigid at the same time.  Oh well!  Any reason for rejecting me was a good reason, in his mind.

 

I don’t think we had sex fifty times in fifty years.   He claimed he was impotent.  Despite the dreadfulness of the situation, I was always amused to see him get an erection when I “grabbed” him.  He wasn’t impotent.  He just didn’t want to have sex.   I became a depressed mess, confused and deeply despondent.  Over the years I resorted to a series of four lovers, and had long term affairs (years) with each of them.  I not only told my husband that I would do this if he wouldn’t have sex with me, he actually gave his permission.  Then he started drinking.

 

The last of my lovers and I decided to marry.  He went into the hospital for a cardiac procedure and died two days before we were to announce our plans.  A lot of me died with him.

 

It is important to understand that throughout the marriage my husband kept me away from his family (parents, two sisters, one brother).  Gradually, over the years I learned his brother was schizophrenic and bipolar.  One sister eventually emerged as an alcoholic.  The other sister was a former cocaine addict and alcoholic.  After forty-five years of marriage, when both of their parents were dead, one of them suggested they have a family reunion for the first time.  One of the sisters, blind drunk, let it slip that my husband had been sexually molested by a priest as a boy and that she wasn’t surprised by his attitude toward sex.  When I confronted my husband, he confirmed that this had happened to him.  He apologized for the years of blaming me.  I could not forgive him for blaming me all those years, although I felt very sorry for him.

 

My husband wasn’t homosexual or bisexual.  He was just sort of asexual because of the molestation.  It is interesting that within five years of this disclosure he divorced me, leaving me indigent, bankrupt, and broken hearted.  I believe that once he had to take responsibility for the failure of the sexual relationship, because he could no longer blame me, he began to hate the sight of me.

 

I will probably not live long enough to ever have a really confident, strong, image of myself as a sexual woman.  However, all is not lost.  I have a Je’taime, a Sybian, a Love Machine, and a couple of vibrators.  And, for the first time in my life, I’m using them!

I want to get to the point where if a lover comes along, fine.  I don’t believe it would be possible to replace the lover I had and whom I was going to marry if he had not died.   I never have been a fan of “hook-ups” or promiscuity.  It just isn’t me.   So, if another lover doesn’t come along, I want to be fine with that too.  I certainly don’t NEED a man as long as vibrators still go on sale.  Seriously, I miss the cuddling, but there are worse problems . . . such as being married to someone who starves you sexually.

 

So here is the summary of what my seventy one years of experience have taught me about sexual rejection.

 

1)  Watch out if you experienced serious rejection as a child or adolescent.  It makes you vulnerable to adult rejection.

 

2)  Watch out if you experienced strong sexual inhibition and punishment as a child or teenager.  It makes you vulnerable to adult rejection.

 

3)  Why he is rejecting you DOESN’T MATTER.  If he won’t cooperate with you to learn how to have some kind of loving sex with you, do not expect it to ever happen.

 

4)  If you continue to live with sexual rejection you will become depressed, repressed, and think less of yourself.

 

5)  Even if you think you are happy together in every other way, don’t believe it.  You may, over time, become to him a symbol of his failure as a man.  He may not want to face you and his failure for the rest of his life.

 

About thirty years ago, I dragged my husband to a psychiatrist for couples counseling about the sexual desire gap.  We went through the entire process, albeit he was very reluctant.  I became more sexual as a result of the process.   My husband made a tiny bit of progress, but regressed to his former behavior as soon as the sessions were over.  The psychiatrist told me, after about six sessions, that he considered my husband was making no progress whatsoever.   My husband disclosed absolutely nothing about the molestation

at that time or for another twenty years.  He never stopped blaming me for his disinclination to participate in sex.

 

Michele Weiner-Davis is a licensed clinical social worker, marriage and family therapist and author in the field of family therapy with offices in Boulder, Colorado and Woodstock, Illinois made a video for Ted’s Talk which you really should see if you are considering couples therapy for this problem.   I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of taking some kind of action about this problem whether divorce or counseling, or any other plan you can devise.

 

Thanks for listening up!  Now get moving or you will wind up like me.  Don’t waste your life!  You have a right to sexual fulfillment.  You are worthy of it.

 

 

 

[Skipper Valvoline]

Thank you for sharing your story. My parents had an imbalance similar to yours, though not quite as chronic. My mom was really deprived of her needs while my dad wasn't much for it, and it caused more problems than people realize.

 

I do want to mention, however, that what you are encouraging feels a little out of place for this website. Most folks here tend to relate more to your husband (not with molestation, necessarily, but with not liking sex). Speaking personally, I have no desire to engage in any partnered sex. I'm not being rejected, I'm rejecting. In one respect, it is a factor in why I no longer seek any romantic relationships- because I know what that kind of imbalance can do and I don't want to put someone through that or go through it myself. Besides, sexual fulfillment doesn't matter much to me. I don't want to have sex, and if I meet someone who doesn't want to have it either, that would be ideal.

 

Your story is fascinating, but the response you may get here may not quite be what you are expecting, at least, if I am interpreting you correctly. I'll let the others speak for themselves, though.

[niibaby]

Uhm? Not to be rude, but I do have to agree with Skipper. I could relate to the husband (not in molestation though) about rejecting sex.

 

I won't mind not ever having sex again. I'm 22 years old and I still never engaged in sex nor will I ever want to. I am not depressed about it either.

I don't know if this is a troll post, looking at how this story is supposed to promote a "therapy" session? Asexual people do not need to be fixed.

 

 

[litanies]

What you're talking about ... your husband's personal mess as a result of PTSD ... is not the same as being functionally, happily asexual.  And I'm telling you this as someone who has experience with both.  In fact, I empathize with you as I too have struggled with the harsh fallout of this sort of trauma.  But it seems like a forum dedicated to PTSD might be a more useful venue for this story.

 

PS. The end of your post reads like an advertisement.  Perhaps it is one.

[Sally]

This is a site primarily for asexuals.  There are sexuals on AVEN, but as people who have relationships with asexuals.  As others have said, your story may be more helpful to young sexual women on other sites.  

[Homer]

15 hours ago, litanies said:

What you're talking about ... your husband's personal mess as a result of PTSD ... is not the same as being functionally, happily asexual.

This.

 

I heard a couple of stories where people were afraid of speaking up about issues that were bothering them. The longer this goes on, the more likely they were to "commit" themselves to that situation. Talking about it, probably even taking action to improve their situation made them realize how much time they wasted living a lie. It's hard to be confronted with such a thing. Most of those who told me felt like a coward for not tackling their issues for years, even decades.

 

Something like that might have happened to him. Being confronted with his past might have made his house of cards crumble and seeing you every day might have reminded him of that all too often. Maybe he goes on to do something about it, realizing that he would indeed desire a sex life, but denied both of you for 50 years. I could imagine that he felt like he was betraying you for all these years, possibly hoping to kind of get away with it.

 

I don't think you're trolling by any means and it's great that you took your time to share your story with us, but judging by what you wrote, AVEN is not exactly the solution or answer you're looking for. To me it sounds more like a case of trauma than asexuality.

 

All the best for you

[roland.o]

15 hours ago, niibaby said:

I could relate to the husband (...) about rejecting sex.

Also about blaming his wife for that? I think that's something to learn from this story. If you don't want to have sex, then says so, and don't make up excuses that blame it on your partner.

[JDP]

It's a sad story, but any mental health professional should tell a prospective client there really is no "counseling" for absent desire.

 

I truly don't know why couples bother with the charade. When desire goes, it never comes back. There's a reason for that.

[niibaby]

1 hour ago, roland.o said:

Also about blaming his wife for that? I think that's something to learn from this story. If you don't want to have sex, then says so, and don't make up excuses that blame it on your partner.

Chill , that's not what I meant . I forgot that tiny little section in the story. I still stand by what I said that asexuals do not need to be fixed even though in this case he was going through trauma. I would never blame or make up excuses for my partner. I was mainly  agreeing with Skipper's statement to continue on with mine. 

 

[Homer]

1 hour ago, asexjoe said:

It's a sad story, but any mental health professional should tell a prospective client there really is no "counseling" for absent desire.

Depending on what went on in the past, there might be a chance of feelings being buried. There is no counseling for absent desire, but there might be counseling to discover a desire which has been buried.

 

1 hour ago, roland.o said:

I think that's something to learn from this story. If you don't want to have sex, then says so, and don't make up excuses that blame it on your partner.

That's easier said than done. If there's something in your life that you're truly ashamed of or that you really don't want ANYONE on this planet to know, it's much easier and comprehensible to make something up. Blaming the partner is a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with their own issues.

[roland.o]

2 minutes ago, niibaby said:

Chill , that's not what I meant .

I thought so. With "you", I also didn't mean you personally. Sorry for my poor phrasing :-)

[niibaby]

Just now, roland.o said:

I thought so. With "you", I also didn't mean you personally. Sorry for my poor phrasing :-)

Hey , it's okay. Thank you, and I apologize for the misunderstanding. 

[Sexually Starved Survivor]

19 hours ago, Skipper Valvaline said:

Thank you for sharing your story. My parents had an imbalance similar to yours, though not quite as chronic. My mom was really deprived of her needs while my dad wasn't much for it, and it caused more problems than people realize.

 

I do want to mention, however, that what you are encouraging feels a little out of place for this website. Most folks here tend to relate more to your husband (not with molestation, necessarily, but with not liking sex). Speaking personally, I have no desire to engage in any partnered sex. I'm not being rejected, I'm rejecting. In one respect, it is a factor in why I no longer seek any romantic relationships- because I know what that kind of imbalance can do and I don't want to put someone through that or go through it myself. Besides, sexual fulfillment doesn't matter much to me. I don't want to have sex, and if I meet someone who doesn't want to have it either, that would be ideal.

 

Your story is fascinating, but the response you may get here may not quite be what you are expecting, at least, if I am interpreting you correctly. I'll let the others speak for themselves, though.

 

[Sexually Starved Survivor]

I could not agree more with everything that everyone has posted!  You all really got the message.  I too believe he didn't want to help himself.  What he COULD have done is to not lie to me about my being the cause of his problem.  It would have saved me a lifetime of agony.  Being rejected hurt, naturally.  But being blamed so unrelentingly has nearly destroyed me.  That is my message to people in your group.  I am delighted that you all grasped it before I ever wrote. 

Reading the Ted Talk opened my eyes to the fact that I  had a legitimate grievance and hurt.  As far as it being an advertisement, I just wish I could meet and use her services, but she is on the east coast and I'm in Oregon.  So, no luck.  I understand that concern.  I am posting my story where ever possible.  I'm trying to alert other women not to waste their marriages on something they will never have.

All of you get a big hug from me for your open mindedness, your caring, and your honesty.

[nanogretchen4]

The OP seems to be recommending that the sexual partners in mixed marriages should seek marriage counseling or otherwise confront the problems with the marriage and find some resolution. In other words, don't let the marriage drag on in silent misery for years. Sound advice, quite possibly useful to some of the sexuals who are on this site because they have just learned they are in a mixed relationship. Admittedly I haven't looked up the TED talks. If it turns out that the therapist in question is claiming to be able to change anyone's sexual orientation I'm totally opposed to that.

 

The OP's husband seems to be blaming his lifelong lack of interest in sex, long after the fact, on sexual abuse that happened before puberty. If there was no clear evidence of a different sexual orientation prior to the trauma, that is speculative. If someone is gay or asexual people look for an origin story, but if someone is heterosexual no one looks for an origin story.

 

I think the OP's story is important for asexuals to hear. Asexuals have some decisions to make about whether they are going to pursue mixed relationships and hope they will work out fine or put in the extra work up front to find other asexuals. If sexuals for whom mixed relationships turned out very poorly are made to feel unwelcome on AVEN, asexuals will be getting very skewed information about how likely mixed relationships are to be happy in the long run.

[Sally]

3 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If sexuals for whom mixed relationships turned out very poorly are made to feel unwelcome on AVEN, asexuals will be getting very skewed information about how likely mixed relationships are to be happy in the long run.

I don't think that's going to happen.  There are constantly coming onto AVEN new sexuals who are asking what to do about their unhappy relationships with asexuals.   One would have to simply leave AVEN to not come upon those posts.  

[JDP]

In my case asexuality doesn't manifest until several years of married life. I never blamed my lack of interest on my wife, though.

 

Unfortunately, that's still not enough.

[nanogretchen4]

Sally, the first five responses to the OP's first post on AVEN suggest that she should go somewhere else. 

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Sally, the first five responses to the OP's first post on AVEN suggest that she should go somewhere else. 

Originally this was posted in Hot Box but it was more catered to the 'sexuals' section of the site. When it's in Hot Box, anyone can read it, feel offended, and comment (which is what happened) but the OP started getting more supportive responses as soon at was posted to this subforum, as this is the place the sexual members of AVEN are more likely to be congregating. The post really was  bit out of place on the other forum (Hot Box) as this is an asexual site so obviously the vast amount of people who read it at that time were ace, yet the post was aimed at the sexual partners not the asexuals. Most of the aces on AVEN aren't like her husband so the post doesn't really apply to them regardless.

 

That was just roundabout way of saying this post is much more catered to the sexual partners subforum than anywhere else on AVEN (it only got moved in the last few hours but was posted 21 hours ago - hence those negative responses)

[Homer]

On 22.8.2017 at 3:16 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

Sally, the first five responses to the OP's first post on AVEN suggest that she should go somewhere else. 

That wasn't because OP is unwanted here; it was because judging by what they wrote, it seems to be more of an issue of PTSD than anything else. That's not what asexuality is, that's why this isn't exactly the right place to go (even though I agree with the conclusion of confronting the problems instead of being miserable for a long time). I don't think it's a question of which forum this was posted in either.

[Telecaster68]

I'm pretty certain Michelle Weiner Davies isn't offering to 'fix' asexuals - she aims to help relationships that are on the brink of ending because of lack of sex.  Shes quite well known. 

 

It's all very well to be understanding of asexuals who are anxious about disclosing their asexuality, and they're entitled to sympathy. But just as with any issue that's fundamental to a relationship the other partner is entitled to know what's going on, just as if the sexual partner decided they just weren't going to talk any more. Whatever the reason for removing sex from a relationship, blaming the other sexual partner, clamming up or point blank refusing to countenance any relationship counselling just isn't good enough. It's worse than the sexual refusal itself. Yes, dealing with it is distressing, but so is what the sexual partner is already experiencing. Time for big boy/girl/genderfluid pants.

 

The OP is important for sexuals as a validation for anyone in the early stages of a sexless marriage. Their feelings do matter. They're not weird or needy for wanting sex. The excuses and blaming are excuses and blaming. While the asexual refuses to engage, it's not going to magically change. All these things are worth saying, because it's easy to lose your grip on them in the misery of rejection. 

[Sally]

If an asexual has disclosed to the sexual partner that they just don't like or want sex, that they get nothing from it, and in fact they just don't want to do it anymore  then I don't see any reason for relationship counseling.  Because at that point, what needs to be decided is whether the marriage can exist without sex.  That will be up to the sexual partner.  

[Telecaster68]

Relationship counselling can surely help with that decision. 

[Cel]

Thank you posting your story!  I hope you get another chance.  It is never too late.

 

I think this story has valuable lesson for anyone interested in any type of relationship with any sexuality.  The core problem in the story is that the two people had different needs, and that it was not recognized/dealt with soon enough.  I believe the lesson is this:

• Be very open with partner, and communicate!
• Understand your needs earlier on, so you know your deal breakers
• Be realistic, don't bank on your partner changing

These are all completely applicable to both asexual and sexual people.

 

I think it may hold extra importance for asexual people (although I am sure we are mostly all already aware) but our expectations/needs are usually quite different from the average, and so, we need to be extra clear about this with potential partners to save both parties from a tragedy like this.

[Valentine18]

I'm very happy to see this post here!  I've never realized before how much my asexual husband does shift blame to me, when our problem is a lack of sexual compatibility in our needs and desires.  Now that I read this, I think about how often it's my "fault" he won't do more because I either pressure him, or I get fed up and ignore him, etc.  There's always some reason for why he isn't making any effort that puts the blame on me, he never admits any fault on his own part.  Yet he's the one who pretended to want and enjoy sex until after we had been married for a year or so.  I'm fine that he's asexual, but I should have been able to decide whether to marry him or not knowing the truth.  So thank you for the post!

 

[Treesarepretty]

Thank you for this story. It took me awhile to get around to reading it, but I am glad that I did. 

 

Good luck in your endevours. ❤

 

[Chihiro]

As someone who comes from a conservative society, I can relate to OP's story, even though I am an asexual. My culture treats sex, in the same fashion as OPs parents did. I still dunno the word for sex or those "dirty deeds" in my culture. If a child has libido, parents don't even bother giving any warning. They simply minimize child's contact with the opposite sex. Sex exists only to have children. I have heard stories about husband being blissfully unaware of periods, child birth process etc. Marriage is just a convenience of sort, husband and wife exist in a totally different world with different ideas and philosophies. Often, children are the only thing they have in common and that's what keeps the marriage from breaking. And my culture isn't that religious either, I have never heard the word God mentioned in this context. People are mostly concerned with what the neighbors (aka society) would think for doing these sins Lol.

 

I think the reason why OP's husband didn't talk about childhood molestation or his lack of interest in sex, is perhaps because of the culture. If the husband was from a similar culture like mine, I am not surprised by his behavior. The husband is a societal conformist, that's why he even hid his family members (sort of) because he was embarrassed of their problems- society shames mental illness and drug addiction. What surprises me is- why didn't the OP think that the main problem might be their culture? Based on your parents attitude about sex, you should have considered the possibility that your husband is also a victim of culture. Whatever the husband's sexual orientation or failure, he would have never opened up (I honestly dunno how to solve communication problem in such conservative society) I feel sorry for OP for being raised in such conservative society and to have suffered so much in her marriage.

[Guest]

@Chihiro I clicked on the link in your signature but it says I can't view that content, is it broken or did you delete it?

[Chihiro]

@FictoVore. The link worked for me. Here it is again- http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/157900-avenite-friend-took-advantage-of-my-mental-breakdown-and-betrayed-me/

 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Chihiro said:

@FictoVore. The link worked for me. Here it is again- http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/157900-avenite-friend-took-advantage-of-my-mental-breakdown-and-betrayed-me/

 

That's so odd, it just takes me to a page saying 'you do not have permission to view that content'