Trans Musings & Rantings

[SeeYa]

2 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

I had my first period when I was 9 as well. It really sucked how I started puberty earlier than most.

 

I was bullied at elementary school for my hairy arms and legs. That had made me shave them, but I hated shaving so much and it took me forever! I have a lot of hair and it’s thick and dark, so for years and to this day I hide my legs and armpits. I used to for my arms, but it would get way too hot for me to hide them and would just have to “suck it up”. I can’t even go swimming out of fear of people making fun of me for my leg hair. I wish it was more socially acceptable. But I feel like one of the things to look forward to in my transition and be more comfortable with my body, I can be out in public and no longer fear people making fun of me. 

 

My grandma used to get on my case about not shaving my armpit hair. I didn’t really care. Sometimes I do shave it because I genuinely want to, but only after it reached a certain length and too long for me to bear.

When I struck puberty I ended up super hairy too, I was 13 which is far closer to "standard" but I got bullied to hell and back too simply because I was so very hairy. It's kind of funny really, if you are AFAB then you are expected to be hairless, no questions. If you are AMAB you are expected to have some hair, but have too much hair (as if it's a choice?) and you end up in the same kind of spot, bullied for being too hairy, but you can't do anything about it because "guy's don't shave their legs". I was a competitive swimmer at the time, I really did have to "suck it up" a lot because I had to spend a lot of time with my legs "on display"... it was a very uncomfortable time...
No matter who you are or how you look, there is always gona be someone who makes fun of you. I think it's more important that YOU like your body than other people. Of course fitting in better certainly helps sometimes... =|

(Evidently hair must amount to how far through puberty you supposedly are or something (even though I didn't get a single facial hair till 17-ish) because even the teachers treated me like I was some kind of monster. Being taken aside to be told how I would soon have all these "urges" and how they would be keeping an eye on me. Really I wonder how treating kids like criminals is meant to help their development... Jokes on them, I already had some inkling to my asexuality at that time.)

[vmdraco]

Spoiler

 

cw dysphoria 

 

 

 

 

 

I can feel The Thing™ coming this month and I know it because I’m just hyper aware of everything on my body and I hate it.  I had to fucking leave class from being overwhelmed with school on top of this and I just want it to fucking s t o p 

 

just

 

fucking stop

 

 

[SkyWorld]

5 hours ago, StomachGod said:

No matter who you are or how you look, there is always gona be someone who makes fun of you. I think it's more important that YOU like your body than other people. Of course fitting in better certainly helps sometimes... =|

Exactly! That’s why I’m trying to just do me and not care what others think. People will not stop judging other people, so I shouldn’t be too concerned about what they think and just be happy with my own short life.

 

I actually had a lot of body hair even before puberty. Yay genetics. I even had more body hair than some cis guys.

[Lirpaderp]

22 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

9 is really early.  Is it genetic to start that early?  I didn't get anything until the week after my 13th birthday.

 

The darkest hair I have is probably in my armpits other than one more obvious area.  I'm still in the mentality where I want to wear sleeveless tanks but don't want to shave my armpits, so I get self-conscious about that.

It's genetic. My sister started when we were 8. Which meant I learned about it a year before it happened to me and had to dread it for months knowing it'd happen soon and I'd never know when.

 

One of my favorite shirts is sleeveless but I feel the same way so I don't wear it often.

 

When it comes to having too much hair, my brother's nickname is the aryan sasquatch. I have one hair on my chin. I was so proud of that one little hair. My friends would notice it sometimes and I'd beam with pride and then they'd look at me like I'm nuts. If (hopefully when) I'm able to take testosterone, I know I'll be really hairy but I don't care as long as nobody expects me to shave.

[nerdperson777]

55 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

It's genetic. My sister started when we were 8. Which meant I learned about it a year before it happened to me and had to dread it for months knowing it'd happen soon and I'd never know when.

 

One of my favorite shirts is sleeveless but I feel the same way so I don't wear it often.

 

When it comes to having too much hair, my brother's nickname is the aryan sasquatch. I have one hair on my chin. I was so proud of that one little hair. My friends would notice it sometimes and I'd beam with pride and then they'd look at me like I'm nuts. If (hopefully when) I'm able to take testosterone, I know I'll be really hairy but I don't care as long as nobody expects me to shave.

And I thought my cousin was early at 11.  It's funny that I thought if I had an aunt who didn't have boobs, maybe I don't need to have periods.  I would've enjoyed that very much.

[nerdperson777]

DNA testing is a pain when trans.  I received an email saying that their tests and the gender on my profile doesn't match so they can't move on.  I called the customer service, not saying anything explicitly about being trans, just a probably XX taking testosterone.  I'm going to be getting back an email in the next couple days about it.  Why is it that hard to have other genders?  I selected male but I don't even identify as male, it's just better than female to me.

 

And what's with these suggested searches?

[Guest]

On 22-2-2018 at 2:33 PM, 999papercranes said:

On the topic of body hair, I stopped shaving around early fall of last year while my parents and I were still biking after RAGBRAI. I remember because I was sitting in the truck with my bike shorts on and my mom took a quizzical look at my fluffy legs but didn’t say anything 

This summer will be the first one where I’ll be completely unshaven, and while I’m a bit nervous to see the looks I’ll probably get I also feel relieved because I just don’t care anymore about sacrificing my comfort for the sake of somebody else’s sexism.

I'd probaly be jumping around squealing: "AAAAAAHHH!!! HAIR! HAIR! EVERYWHERE!!!"   

I hope everything will work out well for you

[Guest]

It's so hard to ask family to use my new name... I haven't yet asked them to do so though, Because I don't present myself as such yet... 

 

However my sister is trying and struggling on her own.. As she begins to follow me more through my transition. But mom/dad...? Nope  

 

Maybe I should... It's getting harder and harder to hear "Son, Boy," ... or my still legal dying name...

 

I'm also each time questioning myself when I have to fill in forms...

 

Do I use my legal name/sex or Real?

[Destan]

[Deleted]

[Mezzo Forte]

Not in the best mental state at the moment, and it's making me freak out more than I probably should be about any little thing that comes to mind, but here goes:

Spoiler

I'm really frustrated by my medical reliance on external hormones. I don't want to have to do shots for the rest of my life. It beats the alternative, but I really wish it weren't the case.

 

I recently read that you can have a vaginectomy and still keep your ovaries, and now I'm pissed that nobody advised me about this, that I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to keep them if I wanted to go forward with lower surgery. I could have sidestepped the decisions about my fertility, the decisions about my medical reliance on hormones for life. And yet here I am, the guy who prides himself in overthinking everything and acting methodical, I rushed myself into the damn hysterectomy without the full research. Damn it, I originally wanted my hysto to be this March, not last November. I wish I had that time to think things through. I wish the medical professionals knew enough to goddamn properly advise me on this stuff. If I just kept a damn ovary, maybe I could have survived going a few months in the field without my testosterone without looking for special ways to make this shit work. If I just kept a damn ovary, maybe I could have had an option to harvest eggs if I wanted biological kids. Fuck, WHY DID NOBODY ADVISE ME ON THIS?

 

Damn it, you have no idea how much I wish I could naturally produce my own testosterone. Fuck, I'd even be willing to try a goddamn penis transplant if that were even an option for transmen. Even the lab-grown dicks are not going to be an option for transmen anytime soon. Unlikely in my lifetime anyways. Damn it, I really wish I were cis right about now.

 

What happens if I can't afford insurance when I turn 26? What happens if I can't afford HRT? Do I just rot and develop osteoporosis while struggling with menopausal symptoms? Damn it, I was dysphoric about having estrogen in my system, but I'd take that over dealing with menopausal symptoms...

 

That isn't even the key thing eating at my psyche. No, this freakout is just a goddamn symptom of other shit I'm dealing with. Everything's snowballing right now. Sometimes I wonder if HRT still has me in a moody teenager stage in my life...

[K.I.N.G]

20 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Not in the best mental state at the moment, and it's making me freak out more than I probably should be about any little thing that comes to mind, but here goes:

  Reveal hidden contents

I'm really frustrated by my medical reliance on external hormones. I don't want to have to do shots for the rest of my life. It beats the alternative, but I really wish it weren't the case.

 

I recently read that you can have a vaginectomy and still keep your ovaries, and now I'm pissed that nobody advised me about this, that I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to keep them if I wanted to go forward with lower surgery. I could have sidestepped the decisions about my fertility, the decisions about my medical reliance on hormones for life. And yet here I am, the guy who prides himself in overthinking everything and acting methodical, I rushed myself into the damn hysterectomy without the full research. Damn it, I originally wanted my hysto to be this March, not last November. I wish I had that time to think things through. I wish the medical professionals knew enough to goddamn properly advise me on this stuff. If I just kept a damn ovary, maybe I could have survived going a few months in the field without my testosterone without looking for special ways to make this shit work. If I just kept a damn ovary, maybe I could have had an option to harvest eggs if I wanted biological kids. Fuck, WHY DID NOBODY ADVISE ME ON THIS?

 

Damn it, you have no idea how much I wish I could naturally produce my own testosterone. Fuck, I'd even be willing to try a goddamn penis transplant if that were even an option for transmen. Even the lab-grown dicks are not going to be an option for transmen anytime soon. Unlikely in my lifetime anyways. Damn it, I really wish I were cis right about now.

 

What happens if I can't afford insurance when I turn 26? What happens if I can't afford HRT? Do I just rot and develop osteoporosis while struggling with menopausal symptoms? Damn it, I was dysphoric about having estrogen in my system, but I'd take that over dealing with menopausal symptoms...

 

That isn't even the key thing eating at my psyche. No, this freakout is just a goddamn symptom of other shit I'm dealing with. Everything's snowballing right now. Sometimes I wonder if HRT still has me in a moody teenager stage in my life...

My word that must utterly suck for you - you have my sympathy and hope the snow ball stops rolling for you soon

 

with something this permanent it really was their job to inform you and they greatly failed in that regard - though unfortunately this is how it often is regarding trans health.

May i ask why you did end up getting the procedure earlier than planned?

[:)(:]

29 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Not in the best mental state at the moment, and it's making me freak out more than I probably should be about any little thing that comes to mind, but here goes:

  Reveal hidden contents

I'm really frustrated by my medical reliance on external hormones. I don't want to have to do shots for the rest of my life. It beats the alternative, but I really wish it weren't the case.

 

I recently read that you can have a vaginectomy and still keep your ovaries, and now I'm pissed that nobody advised me about this, that I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to keep them if I wanted to go forward with lower surgery. I could have sidestepped the decisions about my fertility, the decisions about my medical reliance on hormones for life. And yet here I am, the guy who prides himself in overthinking everything and acting methodical, I rushed myself into the damn hysterectomy without the full research. Damn it, I originally wanted my hysto to be this March, not last November. I wish I had that time to think things through. I wish the medical professionals knew enough to goddamn properly advise me on this stuff. If I just kept a damn ovary, maybe I could have survived going a few months in the field without my testosterone without looking for special ways to make this shit work. If I just kept a damn ovary, maybe I could have had an option to harvest eggs if I wanted biological kids. Fuck, WHY DID NOBODY ADVISE ME ON THIS?

 

Damn it, you have no idea how much I wish I could naturally produce my own testosterone. Fuck, I'd even be willing to try a goddamn penis transplant if that were even an option for transmen. Even the lab-grown dicks are not going to be an option for transmen anytime soon. Unlikely in my lifetime anyways. Damn it, I really wish I were cis right about now.

 

What happens if I can't afford insurance when I turn 26? What happens if I can't afford HRT? Do I just rot and develop osteoporosis while struggling with menopausal symptoms? Damn it, I was dysphoric about having estrogen in my system, but I'd take that over dealing with menopausal symptoms...

 

That isn't even the key thing eating at my psyche. No, this freakout is just a goddamn symptom of other shit I'm dealing with. Everything's snowballing right now. Sometimes I wonder if HRT still has me in a moody teenager stage in my life...

Hugs.

 

Not to spike your hope up or anything (because science travels at the rate of snails in superglue) but I’ve read about using stem cells to get sex cells. Mostly sperm tho. 

 

I cant say much about anything else tho sorry .

[Mezzo Forte]

20 minutes ago, SebastianMichaelis said:

My word that must utterly suck for you - you have my sympathy and hope the snow ball stops rolling for you soon

 

with something this permanent it really was their job to inform you and they greatly failed in that regard - though unfortunately this is how it often is regarding trans health.

May i ask why you did end up getting the procedure earlier than planned?

Honestly, I had every reason to assume that you have to have your ovaries out for bottom surgery. Most sites online say that surgeons don't recommend you keep your ovaries. It wasn't until I heard someone say something in a facebook group about actually going through with phallo (I think with vaginectomy) while keeping an ovary that I learned that surgeons are actually willing to do that.

 

I mean, I partially wanted my ovaries out because I was dysphoric about having estrogen in my system and knew I was going to be on T for life anyways, but unfortunately, I found that menopausal symptoms are actually more dysphoric for me... I also wanted to avoid the risk of having to go back for yet another surgery should anything happen to my ovaries or if I couldn't get lower surgery (with urethral lengthening) until they were out.

 

I wanted a March date because I'm a professor and I wanted to do my hysto during my students' Spring Break. My surgeon wasn't available that week, so I had to decide between November 2017 or May 2018 at the earliest, and I was originally going to try and get stage 1 metoidioplasty in May if I could help it. (Can't say that worked out though.) I have until I'm 26 to take advantage of my parents' insurance plan that covers all these surgeries, and I turn 26 in August 2019...

 

10 minutes ago, :)(: said:

Hugs.

 

Not to spike your hope up or anything (because science travels at the rate of snails in superglue) but I’ve read about using stem cells to get sex cells. Mostly sperm tho. 

 

I cant say much about anything else tho sorry .

I've been doing a bit of research on that stuff in that regard too, especially about lab-grown genitals. Seems like they'll be viable for cis people long before they're viable for trans people. (There's also some cool stuff about mapping egg cells with other people's DNA that's quite exciting.) Good god, even if it didn't come from genitals, what I'd give to just naturally produce testosterone.

[K.I.N.G]

3 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

 

I mean, I partially wanted my ovaries out because I was dysphoric about having estrogen in my system and knew I was going to be on T for life anyways, but unfortunately, I found that menopausal symptoms are actually more dysphoric for me... I also wanted to avoid the risk of having to go back for yet another surgery should anything happen to my ovaries or if I couldn't get lower surgery (with urethral lengthening) until they were out.

woh wait you go though a menopause like state after the ovaries are removed? That is hard my friend, i hope it wont go on much longer for you. Also agreed logically i doesn't sound plausible to be able to keep just the ovaries - it seems no matter how much one researches there is always more to learn.... Or better yet if only wed all be born into the correct bodies to begin with life would be so much less painful.

 

5 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I wanted a March date because I'm a professor and I wanted to do my hysto during my students' Spring Break. My surgeon wasn't available that week, so I had to decide between November 2017 or May 2018 at the earliest, and I was originally going to try and get stage 1 metoidioplasty in May if I could help it. (Can't say that worked out though.) I have until I'm 26 to take advantage of my parents' insurance plan that covers all these surgeries, and I turn 26 in August 2019...

Ahhhh i see - does seem a bit of an awkward age for insurance to stop their coverage. The genetic mapping you mentioned sounds very interesting though hopefully by the time science is confident in its ability to create specific genitals that can be incorporated onto living humans then trans rights and visibility will have caught up.

 

Good Luck! hope it gets better for you soon.

[butterflydreams]

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Sometimes I wonder if HRT still has me in a moody teenager stage in my life...

Could very well be.

 

Mezzo, you’re dealing with a lot right now. I’m sorry this new information got slapped on top of everything. It can’t be easy. You just have to trust that you did the best you could with the information you had. We all make mistakes, or wish we could do things differently, no matter how methodical we are. That’s life, but you move forward, and make the best decisions you can in the future. Which I know you’ll do. Reliance on medicine isn’t a trivial thing. I don’t think even many trans people realize the repercussions and what that truly means. It’s a big reason why despite being dysphoric as hell, I’ve so far held on to my parts while I wait and figure out and come to terms with how things might inevitably be. There’s no shame in any path you’ve taken. Thank you for sharing your thoughts though. They are important for all to read and see. 

[Mezzo Forte]

10 minutes ago, SebastianMichaelis said:

woh wait you go though a menopause like state after the ovaries are removed? That is hard my friend, i hope it wont go on much longer for you. Also agreed logically i doesn't sound plausible to be able to keep just the ovaries - it seems no matter how much one researches there is always more to learn.... Or better yet if only wed all be born into the correct bodies to begin with life would be so much less painful.

Only if you don't have sufficient testosterone levels in you. My surgeon had me wait to resume my T shots, so I had to deal with menopausal symptoms during my hysto recovery until I was allowed to resume T again. I'm good now, but that means any time I have to go off T, I'll have to risk dealing with those symptoms again. Before the hysto, going longer than usual without T just made me really tired.

 

10 minutes ago, SebastianMichaelis said:

Ahhhh i see - does seem a bit of an awkward age for insurance to stop their coverage. The genetic mapping you mentioned sounds very interesting though hopefully by the time science is confident in its ability to create specific genitals that can be incorporated onto living humans then trans rights and visibility will have caught up.

 

Good Luck! hope it gets better for you soon.

Yeah, it's a weird legal thing in the US. You're allowed to be on your parents' health insurance until age 26; after that, you're on your own. I knew that feeling rushed to complete my surgeries would make me act rash. You have no idea how much mental prep I put into preparing myself for the hysto, and yet I still feel like I was being rash. I would really love to see science catch up to meet the needs of trans people sooner rather than later. Lucky me, I can turn to my parents to help with my medical bills if I ever need to, even after I'm on my own insurance, but this medical reliance complicates a lot of things in regards to my career, and it makes the pressure that much greater to land a stable job that actually includes health insurance in its benefits package. (Easy enough task for a musician, right? At least I want to work in a university.) Part of me wonders if I'm just getting frustrated with the injection process again.

 

2 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Could very well be.

 

Mezzo, you’re dealing with a lot right now. I’m sorry this new information got slapped on top of everything. It can’t be easy. You just have to trust that you did the best you could with the information you had. We all make mistakes, or wish we could do things differently, no matter how methodical we are. That’s life, but you move forward, and make the best decisions you can in the future. Which I know you’ll do. Reliance on medicine isn’t a trivial thing. I don’t think even many trans people realize the repercussions and what that truly means. It’s a big reason why despite being dysphoric as hell, I’ve so far held on to my parts while I wait and figure out and come to terms with how things might inevitably be. There’s no shame in any path you’ve taken. Thank you for sharing your thoughts though. They are important for all to read and see. 

Yeah, I'm trying not to linger too much on it. Unfortunately, my mind's fixating on the future, and that's making everything quite daunting and overwhelming when the present is already overwhelming enough. Normally, I'm good at rationalizing everything, just saying I did the best I could with the information I had present, that I had very valid reasons to make the decisions that I did. It just sucks to feel like I acted rash. I knew that I'd be reliant on T for life whether I kept my ovaries or not, but that doesn't make the reality any less daunting.

 

I can't get the goddamn emotional pain to stop. I've been trying my darnedest, even gone out and enjoyed myself going on nature trails and doing drum circles. Been trying the best I can with distraction tactics, and when I can't avoid it, I try my darnedest to force myself into a state of catharsis. I can keep my mind occupied and be fine until I'm alone and try to put together my goddamn class lectures. Then everything sets in, and the catharsis isn't enough. Honestly, I just feel like I'm lashing out and screaming on here because all my attempts to process this on my own have just been eating me alive. I'm going to be really embarrassed of all these posts once I'm in a better state of mind.

[:)(:]

3 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Honestly, I just feel like I'm lashing out and screaming on here because all my attempts to process this on my own have just been eating me alive. I'm going to be really embarrassed of all these posts once I'm in a better state of mind.

No this is the perfect place to do it. I mean YOU have been here for everyone and crafted amazing responses and always been the big brother. I think if lashing out helps you then we are all more then happy to help.

[Mezzo Forte]

22 minutes ago, :)(: said:

No this is the perfect place to do it. I mean YOU have been here for everyone and crafted amazing responses and always been the big brother. I think if lashing out helps you then we are all more then happy to help.

Guess this is the one way machismo actually seeps into my mind: there's a certain level of vulnerability I don't like sharing with others. When I am in very active emotional pain, it's really hard to get me to admit it, and even if I want to say something, I often don't know how. Talking about past emotional struggles is easy. They're in the past and they're no longer a problem. They are no longer sources of pain, or if they are, they're sources that are easy to disassociate from. I can't disassociate with what I'm dealing with now. This past week has been so goddamn hard for me, and things aren't going to improve anytime soon. Even if this one thing has a potential to swing in my favor, it comes with an inherently bittersweet tinge that's related to the biggest reason why I'm hurting at the moment. I've never had to process something like this before. Maybe it's the HRT, maybe it's just the new life experiences, but what I'm experiencing is so new to me that I am woefully underequipped to deal with all this.

[K.I.N.G]

16 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Guess this is the one way machismo actually seems into my mind: there's a certain level of vulnerability I don't like sharing with others. When I am in very active emotional pain, it's really hard to get me to admit it, and even if I want to say something, I often don't know how. Talking about past emotional struggles is easy. They're in the past and they're no longer a problem. They are no longer sources of pain, or if they are, they're sources that are easy to disassociate from. I can't disassociate with what I'm dealing with now. This past week has been so goddamn hard for me, and things aren't going to improve anytime soon. Even if this one thing has a potential to swing in my favor, it comes with an inherently bittersweet tinge that's related to the biggest reason why I'm hurting at the moment. I've never had to process something like this before. Maybe it's the HRT, maybe it's just the new life experiences, but what I'm experiencing is so new to me that I am woefully underequipped to deal with all this.

You have just put into words what I’ve been trying to do for months - I do the same with continuous distractions but it always catches up to you in the end and you’re forced to just deal with it which is never easy. We’re all here to listen to you though if you ever feel the urge to share or rant - the floors all yours. Even if it is bittersweet hope it all smooths it’s self out for you and gets a little easier to deal with.  

 

Also so as much as our childhood+ is meant for preparing us for the real world life has the horrible habit of throwing a spanner in to the works - just don’t be too hard on yourself and if you need it try and get a break from everything and some time to recuperate. 

[Mezzo Forte]

2 minutes ago, SebastianMichaelis said:

You have just put into words what I’ve been trying to do for months - I do the same with continuous distractions but it always catches up to you in the end and you’re forced to just deal with it which is never easy. We’re all here to listen to you though if you ever feel the urge to share or rant - the floors all yours. Even if it is bittersweet hope it all smooths it’s self out for you and gets a little easier to deal with.  

Distraction has always been my coping mechanism. I always exhaust it in its entirety until I am forced to find new tactics. That's partially why I didn't start transition until I was 22 actually. I used to be so good at being alone with myself, but early transition gave me issues with anxiety... issues that I'm starting to realize might have only went dormant because I had the right emotional support. I wouldn't even know where to begin or how to convey why this pains me so.

 

(Honestly, I tried to write it out, and the whole post blew up. Ended up writing for a good while without ever getting past the context. Perhaps I'll make a T&S thread if I finish writing out the long version)

Spoiler

Guess the short version is that I'm basically separated from my dearest friend. We have one week at the end of March that we're guaranteed to see each other again, and after that, we're about to part ways for a minimum of a few years, if we ever do reconvene again. (He had to find a way to pay his share of our rent, and he landed a job in his hometown, so he had to leave.) We wanted to do our PhDs together at this one university, but he got rejected. I also got turned down for the PhD there, but the university is actually still considering me for the MA, and I'm currently waitlisted for that program. He got accepted at a university I didn't apply for because we originally thought the school didn't offer coverage for HRT, but apparently actually does. Regardless of whether I get accepted into the MA or not, our separation is inevitable.

 

This guy's my biggest source of emotional support I have, so coping with the fact that he's about to no longer be in my life while he's also currently physically absent from my life is tearing me apart. He's irreplaceable, and I've not only learned just how strong my platonic bonds can get, he's also showed me just how happy platonic touch makes me when there's no risk of romantic/sexual connotation. I've finally accepted that I am a tactile person. The fact that I'm yearning for his touch only makes the distance worse. I'm experiencing such new feelings, and I've grown so emotionally reliant on him these past couple years that I don't know how to cope with this loss. We're not good about electronic communication, and even when we do chat that way, it's pretty casual and a-temporal. Nothing like our live interactions.

 

Most people assume that my application status is what's eating at me. They don't realize just how much I'm mourning my separation from my friend. Last year, I got turned down from every university I applied to for my doctorate. This isn't my first time dealing with rejection. This time, I at least have the security of knowing that even if I have to take a second gap year, that I'll still be building my career up in the process, that these gap years are not signs of stagnation.

 

The pain comes in waves, and I think I just emotionally exhausted myself after being very actively distressed/anxious/hurting for at least the past 5 hours straight. Wish that meant that was the end of the hurting, but I've been through this emotional cycle enough in the past week to know better.

 

I can't goddamn focus, and now I'm going to have to push through the exhaustion and pull an all-nighter putting together my course lectures. Again.

[Guest]

[nerdperson777]

I just went to my knee surgery pre-op appointment and I was thinking, this is probably what it will be like with top surgery too.  I got given my show up and surgery time.  They gave me crutches (which I'm not sure if top surgery would actually use that, with the sensitive armpits).  I picked up some painkillers that the surgeon prescribed.  Then I wait a few days and my surgery will happen.

 

Then my dad had weird statement the other day.  He was saying something about being addicted to surgery.  Why would I want to have surgery?  During that time I thought about how I wanted top surgery.  Well, in some aspect, it's not really an elective surgery.  I'm not doing this for fun like my dad seems to be implying.

[nerdperson777]

When I got that email about my DNA test gender not matching the one on my profile, I started making my family tree instead. I managed to get everything possible on my mom's side from her and then dad was visiting extended relatives (grandfather's siblings' families) on Sunday so he said that he would get information from them. When dad got home and explained the info he got to me, he said the relatives wanted the tree to be shared to them. Mom was quite against it, just because of my gender, when I asked if that was the reason. She said that she rather them not ask questions about it. I've decided that I no longer care about that. There's no point of it all if I can't be me. She shouldn't really care either. She never really considered herself part of my dad's family. Why would she care about what these distant relatives think? For the longest time, I didn't even know how we were related. I knew some as cousins of cousins or something. They just said we were related and I didn't know how. She doesn't really interact with them. She shouldn't care. This just proves that while she tells everyone how accepting she is of LGBT+, she doesn't accept me. She makes a bigger deal about things than they need to be..

[SkyWorld]

Ugh... I never seem to learn to not read comments on the internet.  I follow a local news page and it’s nice how respectful they are of pronouns and trans people whenever there’s news related. But their comments are the worst and I’d always expect it at this point. 

 

There was an article about a guy being outed by a coach and people were commenting how if someone doesn’t want people to know then they are ashamed and/or feeling like people are entitled to know if someone is trans or not. It’s none of their goddamn business, besides how ignorant can they be? Not everyone feels safe being out (which only validates the point that since then this poor boy is being bullied now that people know he’s trans) and believe it or not, people are seen and treated differently when someone would know they’re trans rather than just treating them as any other person regardless.

 

I never waste my time commenting back, but I did read someone trying to be civil and saying that they should educate themselves more about gender dysphoria from the DSM-V and someone responded and flat out said “no”. Ignorance is one thing, but willful ignorance is so painful.

 

It’s also hurtful how many people find this amusing. What a sick sense of humor. 

[Tortuga]

On 2/24/2018 at 2:04 PM, Phoenix the II said:

It's so hard to ask family to use my new name... I haven't yet asked them to do so though, Because I don't present myself as such yet... 

 

However my sister is trying and struggling on her own.. As she begins to follow me more through my transition. But mom/dad...? Nope  

 

Maybe I should... It's getting harder and harder to hear "Son, Boy," ... or my still legal dying name...

 

I'm also each time questioning myself when I have to fill in forms...

 

Do I use my legal name/sex or Real?

I can relate, so so much.

[Mezzo Forte]

I know it's not really a trans thing, but it was something I ranted about earlier in the thread. While I'm no longer in active sharp emotional pain where I feel the need to lash out and scream, I still very actively miss my friend. Guess it's just more of a generalized wistful feeling at the moment. With how much time we tend to spend together, being by myself (especially in our apartment) is enough reminder that he's not here. Anytime I think about going out and doing stuff, I'm reminded that he's not here.

 

That said, I think part of how we got so close is connected to my transition. Even beyond the support he's given me, the fact that I've been navigating this friendship recognized as a man means that I never had the same romantic pressure I used to experience from my close friendships with straight men. I never had to risk him being attracted to me romantically or sexually, and I think that allowed me to let my guard down and really develop a special platonic bond. I think that's what's made the touch so special too. Honestly, I think I see why some people like to declare platonic partnerships now, even if I wouldn't ask my friend to be my platonic partner, as I wouldn't want to risk impeding his dating life, and I don't think he'd be that interested in labeling our friendship in such a way.

 

Transition really does let you explore more of yourself than you might even suspect that you'd need to explore. Honestly, I'm wrestling a bit with just how many aspects of me are kind of gay, yet I'm still aro-ace. Aesthetically, I prefer men. Platonically, I tend to gravitate toward men. Sensually, while I enjoy touch from lots of people, I've only ever craved the touch of my friend, who is a man, to the point of even enjoying giving touch, which is not normally the case for me. It's weird. I can't really call myself gay because I don't want romance or sex with men, and yet I seem to be attracted to men in so many other ways. (While I don't want romance/sex with anyone, it's even harder to imagine myself with a woman.) Leaves me in a weird limbo identity-wise, since I'm still aro-ace, but it's hard not to wonder how all of this might develop over time.

[butterflydreams]

@Mezzo Forte, I don’t see why you can’t be “kinda gay” but still aro-ace. Gay, straight, etc, are names we also give to outward appearances. If you’re finding yourself enjoying touch with another guy, that’s going to look gay from the outside. I don’t see any conflict in calling yourself a gay aro-ace dude. I hope I’m not offending you or anything. I find what you’re going through to be very interesting, and I’m glad you’re sharing it so that other people can see. Too often I feel that trans people are afraid of changing, but you know what, life is all about change, and changing your gender is one hell of a change. I know personally I made a conscious decision to keep an open mind and let myself just be for once. I’ve found interesting unexpected (and to some degree unwanted) things, like that I’m not actually obviously romantic. I’m probably more in the grey area...yikes. And my attraction to men, while it didn’t come out of nowhere, the fact that it showed up so plainly surprised me. And then I find myself chatting online with two people, a man and a woman. Realized I didn’t feel that attracted to this particular man, but the woman and I are really hitting it off. I didn’t think I could really be attracted to a woman, or interested in one. Sexually, I still don’t know. Being touched by a woman...meh, I wouldn’t hate it. Being touched by a man? Turns on all the lights. So what’s going on there? I certainly can’t explain it. It just is. So I try not to worry too much about naming any of it beyond the fact that I clearly have the capacity to be attracted—in some way—to both men and women. 

 

My own musing for the day is something I observed being out and about as a trans person. Going about my day, without an extended interaction, I pass pretty well. And it occurred to me how all these people in the world are seeing me, seeing a woman and they have no problem with it. I find myself wondering sometimes, how many of them would have a negative opinion about trans people? Little do they know they were sitting at a table next to a trans woman just this morning. Maybe they think they’ve never seen a trans person. I just found it weird to think about. I wish I passed in extended interactions. Though, at the coffee place I go to all the time, they called me “her” once, even though I’ve been going there for a while now. 

[999papercranes]

12 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

 

My own musing for the day is something I observed being out and about as a trans person. Going about my day, without an extended interaction, I pass pretty well. And it occurred to me how all these people in the world are seeing me, seeing a woman and they have no problem with it. I find myself wondering sometimes, how many of them would have a negative opinion about trans people? Little do they know they were sitting at a table next to a trans woman just this morning. Maybe they think they’ve never seen a trans person. I just found it weird to think about. 

I think about this a lot as well, especially because I pass a lot in church of all places  I’m not trying to stereotype by religion, but this combined with the fact that we live in a conservative rural area makes me wonder how many of the people calling me “sir” and “he” are actually transphobic.

Then, another thing that I’ve been thinking, is that very conservative people may be more likely to gender me correctly. They don’t think that a female person should look like me (boy’s clothes, masculine haircut, no make-up, bound chest) so their subconscious may register me as a guy because of their internal bias. However, in more liberal areas they may be more used to gender nonconforming people and may just think I’m a butch lesbian/would clock me as a trans guy because they don’t want to misgender me so they look for clues in secondary sex characteristics. (Facial hair, Adam’s apple, fat distribution.)

 

Forgive me if I sound a little crazy  It’s just a theory I’ve been turning around in my head. 

[butterflydreams]

@999papercranes, it’s definitely a thing about passing more easily in conservative areas. Because being trans isn’t something that’s on their radar. Because it’s not within their “realm of possibility” they don’t consider it and you pass more easily. However, the consequences of failing to pass can be more severe. Liberal environments, harder to pass, less consequences for failing. I tend to be a bit more on the conservative side myself, so I’d prefer the more easily passing conservative environment, but it definitely comes with trade offs.

[Mezzo Forte]

5 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

@Mezzo Forte, I don’t see why you can’t be “kinda gay” but still aro-ace. Gay, straight, etc, are names we also give to outward appearances. If you’re finding yourself enjoying touch with another guy, that’s going to look gay from the outside. I don’t see any conflict in calling yourself a gay aro-ace dude. I hope I’m not offending you or anything. I find what you’re going through to be very interesting, and I’m glad you’re sharing it so that other people can see. Too often I feel that trans people are afraid of changing, but you know what, life is all about change, and changing your gender is one hell of a change.

I appreciate that perspective, and I don't take offense to the notion. In some ways, I'm biased toward a utilitarian perspective of labels, so I worry about adopting any label that does not clearly communicate my experience. I could see how declaring myself gay could be misleading in certain situations, but at the same time, aro-ace doesn't paint the complete picture either. I know how my moments of affection come off to most people. Heck, I've heard the commentary from the few people who know what happens when I drink with my dear friend.(Actually, the only people in my offline life who know are both bisexual women. While neither of them doubt my orientation, they have still cracked the whole "GAAAYY" joke in some capacity, with one of them even saying "I know that neither of you are oriented that way, but I ship it so hard." I even have some guilt about risking getting my friend pegged as gay for indulging me. It's one thing if people think of me that way, but another for my actions to make people think someone I care about is something he is not. There's a chance some of that is internalized homophobia though.

Maybe it's fair to say I'm gay in addition to aro ace. As you said, to the outside world, the things I want certainly seems gay. (Something I've also never admitted before, but I remember feeling almost a kinship with many of the gay men I've met in my life. None of us ever got really close, but the feeling was there.) I suppose I worry about how much others would be able to wrap their minds around me being gay, aro, and ace at the same time though. Guess I went from "not trans enough" worries to "not gay enough" worries.

 

(Also, idk how much to shake my fist at Facebook for trolling me with so many goddamn gay ads only for me to actually start questioning myself in that way. )

 

5 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I know personally I made a conscious decision to keep an open mind and let myself just be for once. I’ve found interesting unexpected (and to some degree unwanted) things, like that I’m not actually obviously romantic. I’m probably more in the grey area...yikes. And my attraction to men, while it didn’t come out of nowhere, the fact that it showed up so plainly surprised me. And then I find myself chatting online with two people, a man and a woman. Realized I didn’t feel that attracted to this particular man, but the woman and I are really hitting it off. I didn’t think I could really be attracted to a woman, or interested in one. Sexually, I still don’t know. Being touched by a woman...meh, I wouldn’t hate it. Being touched by a man? Turns on all the lights. So what’s going on there? I certainly can’t explain it. It just is. So I try not to worry too much about naming any of it beyond the fact that I clearly have the capacity to be attracted—in some way—to both men and women. 

That sounds like a good approach to have. In many respects, I think we both like to take our notions of identity and reduce them down to simple working definitions for our own experiences, choosing to view everything else as nuances of personality rather than aspects that need to be covered within that label.

 

In some ways, I wish I were more interested in women than men though. As much as I tend to click with men, the ones who I really click with are quite rare, and men okay with 100% platonic touch with other men are even rarer. There's this sense of "okay, I know what I like now, but the one person who has been able to give me all this isn't about to be in my life for a long time, if ever again. Now what?"

 

5 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

My own musing for the day is something I observed being out and about as a trans person. Going about my day, without an extended interaction, I pass pretty well. And it occurred to me how all these people in the world are seeing me, seeing a woman and they have no problem with it. I find myself wondering sometimes, how many of them would have a negative opinion about trans people? Little do they know they were sitting at a table next to a trans woman just this morning. Maybe they think they’ve never seen a trans person. I just found it weird to think about. I wish I passed in extended interactions. Though, at the coffee place I go to all the time, they called me “her” once, even though I’ve been going there for a while now. 

I know this feeling so much, especially having lived through all these situations of people very genuinely telling me "I don't get trans people" without even the slightest clue that I myself am trans. And oh man, I've been hearing more "Women, AM I RIGHT" commentary as of late that makes me cringe. Not to mention some troublesome racial commentary that feels really alien because of the social circles I tend to gravitate toward. Definitely feeling that White, cis-passing, straight-passing male privilege, and it's really uncomfortable because I don't want to just be a bystander, but I also am not aggressive enough to feel comfortable with direct confrontation. I'm nervous that if I speak out and fuck up, those people will feel even more validated in their views, and that's the last thing I want.

 

To a lot of people, "trans" is basically another "other." Something they've never truly engaged. Something they never had to recognize as a genuinely human experience. I wonder how much of my extended family had/still have transphobic beliefs, yet accepted me without a problem. Sometimes, while I fear the worst case situations, I sometimes wonder if coming out as trans to people who say that they "don't get trans people" might open up the floor for them to let their views evolve. Maybe someday when I have the fortitude to deal with the potential consequences and hold my own, I'll try it, but for now, I just try to give as much perspective as I can while remaining stealth.