Husband coming out as asexual

[Kelsiekate]

My husband has just started to realise he is asexual. 

 

I I am just learning there is a community of people who are asexual and what that means for different people. 

 

We we have a six year old boy. 

 

I feel devestated about about the thought of not having sex again. My husband is clear for now that he does not want any physical intimacy. 

 

I love him and so much about our life together. 

 

He he is not open to sexual relations outside of our marriage for me. 

 

 I feel so angry .. So sad ... So afraid 

 

I love him and want more than anything to understand him and respect him

 

but I am so afraid as I dint know how to reconcile never having sex again. 

 

I am afraid the only answer is to break up. 

 

I am a Christian and also feel want to honour my vows and my marraige. 

 

I loved the posts about Christianity and asexuality and I agree it is for some a good thing .. And for him .. I understand and it makes sense 

 

so much more is making sense 

 

but what if your married and you didn't know and now you know 

 

I feel so sad 

 

has as anyone been through this 

 

advice welcome

 

 

[Ennis]

Well - if he really isn't willing to compromise at all and you can't go without sex....

Have you guys talked this through? Have you told him how you feel?

 

Also for coming here and asking for advice. Welcome to AVEN!

[Kelsiekate]

Thanks for the welcome 

 

Yes we've talked about how we feel 

 

I feel relieved in a way he is deciding to embrace it because I can see how aweful it is trying to be intimate when you don't want to be

 

My Christian friends are praying for us 

To be healed and stay together ... I am scared and don't know what I believe 

 

all I know is I feel really messed up

 

I am honestly thinking it might be better to just work on letting go of the relationship and just let him be 

 

for now I am staying but feel so insane in my head every day about what to do 

 

wondering if anyone has found a way through this mis match and stayed together 

 

Or if I should save myself from trying and just accept that things are different now from when we got married and that's ok and leave 

 

anyone been married and still married and worked it out ?? 

 

 and if so ... how ??? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

You need to talk to him about compromising. To just come out with this 'I'll never have sex with you again and I won't allow you to have sex with anyone else' seems very cruel to me, and I'm a sex repulsed ace. Quite honestly, most ace-sexual relationships don't work out, and if he isn't willing to compromise (which is entirely his perogative), I think you're better off splitting.

[Ennis]

Maybe he is willing to compromise for the sake of his son?

I mean, he's done it so far, hasn't he?

[Kelsiekate]

I am sort of hoping he might 

 

but at the same time knowing now he doesn't even like sex makes me feel uncomfortable being with him

 

Part of me hopes it may change with time

 

he may compromise or I could get over my thinking about it 

 

part of me is not sure 

 

I guess I was hoping there might be some asexual people married to sexual people and it has turned out ok

 

 

 

[NerotheReaper]

This is a hard time for both of you, he might feel frustrated too. He might feel like he is a bad husband. I don't know how to read minds, but I am guessing that could be his possible mindset. Marriage is about compromise, meeting each other half way and helping one another. 

 

Talk to him, try to see if he wants to fight for your guy's marriage and take it from there.

[Blondbear]

11 hours ago, Kelsiekate said:

My husband has just started to realise he is asexual. 

 

I I am just learning there is a community of people who are asexual and what that means for different people. 

 

We we have a six year old boy. 

 

I feel devestated about about the thought of not having sex again. My husband is clear for now that he does not want any physical intimacy. 

 

I love him and so much about our life together. 

 

He he is not open to sexual relations outside of our marriage for me. 

 

 I feel so angry .. So sad ... So afraid 

 

I love him and want more than anything to understand him and respect him

 

but I am so afraid as I dint know how to reconcile never having sex again. 

 

I am afraid the only answer is to break up. 

 

I am a Christian and also feel want to honour my vows and my marraige. 

 

I loved the posts about Christianity and asexuality and I agree it is for some a good thing .. And for him .. I understand and it makes sense 

 

so much more is making sense 

 

but what if your married and you didn't know and now you know 

 

I feel so sad 

 

has as anyone been through this 

 

advice welcome

 

 

 

As a christian if you enter a marriage without knowing that your husband is asexual, that marriage can be annulled. You have to respect him if he doesn't want to have sex again, but he CAN'T force you, neither should, to impose his (lack) of sexuality on you, it's a joke that he pretends that you stay sexless for the rest of your life just because he doesn't want to have sex. 

[arielle18]

I am ace and happily married. The thing is, I'm closeted. I haven't told my husband, and I probably never will, mainly to avoid inflicting what you're now going through on him. Now that your husband has told you, I think it's really important to talk this through and see if he will compromise with you. I personally have regular sex with my husband because I know it makes him happy. Maybe your husband would do the same? If not, I think God will understand if you need to split up.

[Homer]

2 minutes ago, arielle18 said:

I am ace and happily married. The thing is, I'm closeted. I haven't told my husband, and I probably never will, mainly to avoid inflicting what you're now going through on him.

My stance is that it will surface sooner or later and the longer it takes, the more it will hurt.

 

re: topic

 

Is your husband opposed to any form of physical closeness, like cuddling, holding hands, kissing...?

Basically there are just a couple of options to pick from to deal with such a mismatch. Compromising, opening up the relationship, cheating, dealing with the situation as it is, or leaving.

 

It'll probably take some time for the two of you to figure something out, especially since he has only just come to terms with his feelings. Please don't forget that knowing all this is a new thing for him, too.

Take your time to deal with the initial pain - cry, rant, write a poem, punch a wall... and then it'll be a lot of work for both of you to negotiate how to proceed in your relationship.

 

Best of luck

[wtfdoiknow]

I'm so sorry. I don't have a lot to add except maybe you don't need to decide anything right away. Maybe give it some time to settle. Maybe you can try therapy, together and/or apart?

[Kelsiekate]

Thank you so much 

 

I am so grateful for every post 

 

I really love him and know I am in reaction just generally at the moment ... I go from anger to sadness to fear ... 

 

so want to wait a bit and see 

 

I am so grateful I found this site 

 

it has really helped me shift my understanding and acceptance ...

 

although I'm still just grieving and not sure what to do next 

 

he does cuddle me and I know he loves me ... 

 

i feel sorry he has lived so long trying to be different and possibly feeling wrong 

 

I sent him the link to this page ... And told him about the questionnaire ... As it may help him too .. Maybe 

 

we talk about everything ... well most things openly ... We have both been in denial I think for a long time and now it is making more sense 

 

does ace just mean asexual ? I'm not sure of the terminology 

 

❤️ Thanks so much for your gracious kind support ... It means so much right now ... It feels like such a crazy place .. And the world feels uncompromising and hard  

 

even in counselling ... we have been going to the counsellor ... doesn't quite understand ... It seems 

 

So here 

there is grace acceptance kindness 

feels like a relief 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RD_the]

My first impulse is to advise you to give it a bit of time. Your husband has just discovered and accepted a new part of himself, and you have also just discovered that this is a part of someone you love. You are both reeling a bit, and your feelers are very exposed. Pause. Breathe. Keep your lines of communication open, but also give both yourselves and each other some time to process.  

 

Your husband has indicated he doesn't want sex right now. This could be that he needs to come to terms with his sexuality and will be open to compromise later. Or maybe he really never wants sex again. No one (including him at this point) can tell you for sure. Sexual incompatibility doesn't have to be the end of a marriage, but it is a serious thing. 

 

While you are giving yourselves time, I suggest making up a "Want, Will, Won't" list for your sex life and relationship. Sexplainations on YouTube has a great video about this method. Basically split a page in three, and then list what you WANT, what you are WILLING to do (maybe not your exact desires, but things that you can compromise on and/or are curious about) and WONT do (hard limit deal breakers). Don't stop until you have a minimum of 50 things in each list. You and your husband do these separately, not together. 

 

During this time make sure you have comfortable and open communication with your husband. Talk. Talk about big, important issues and realizations. Talk about identity and sex and relationships and faith. Talk about money and child raising and household chores. But don't feel like you need to solve anything in regards to this issue. Put off major decisions until you both feel like you understand what is happening and feel stable. Do research on your own. 

 

In a a few months, make time to sit down for a long conversation, just the two of you. And then talk things out. Compare your "Want, Will, Won't" lists. At that point you should be able to have an idea whether or not compromise is possible.

 

If there is potential to make things work, set the ground rules. One of these is COMMUNICATION. The only way this works is if you both feel you can safely talk about ANYTHING with each other. Check in frequently. About sex of course, but about other things too. You can always decide later on if the arrangement isn't working and either renegotiate or end things. 

 

If there is no way to make things work, it is time to talk practicalities. 

 

Good luck!

[MrDane]

On 3/6/2017 at 6:44 AM, RD_the said:

My first impulse is to advise you to give it a bit of time. Your husband has just discovered and accepted a new part of himself, and you have also just discovered that this is a part of someone you love. You are both reeling a bit, and your feelers are very exposed. Pause. Breathe. Keep your lines of communication open, but also give both yourselves and each other some time to process.  

 

Your husband has indicated he doesn't want sex right now. This could be that he needs to come to terms with his sexuality and will be open to compromise later. Or maybe he really never wants sex again. No one (including him at this point) can tell you for sure. Sexual incompatibility doesn't have to be the end of a marriage, but it is a serious thing. 

 

While you are giving yourselves time, I suggest making up a "Want, Will, Won't" list for your sex life and relationship. Sexplainations on YouTube has a great video about this method. Basically split a page in three, and then list what you WANT, what you are WILLING to do (maybe not your exact desires, but things that you can compromise on and/or are curious about) and WONT do (hard limit deal breakers). Don't stop until you have a minimum of 50 things in each list. You and your husband do these separately, not together. 

 

During this time make sure you have comfortable and open communication with your husband. Talk. Talk about big, important issues and realizations. Talk about identity and sex and relationships and faith. Talk about money and child raising and household chores. But don't feel like you need to solve anything in regards to this issue. Put off major decisions until you both feel like you understand what is happening and feel stable. Do research on your own. 

 

In a a few months, make time to sit down for a long conversation, just the two of you. And then talk things out. Compare your "Want, Will, Won't" lists. At that point you should be able to have an idea whether or not compromise is possible.

 

If there is potential to make things work, set the ground rules. One of these is COMMUNICATION. The only way this works is if you both feel you can safely talk about ANYTHING with each other. Check in frequently. About sex of course, but about other things too. You can always decide later on if the arrangement isn't working and either renegotiate or end things. 

 

If there is no way to make things work, it is time to talk practicalities. 

 

Good luck!

Could be a good idea! But in my relationship, it would be difficult to write down 50 things. She is very private about her feeling and uncomfortable with discussing it. I would aim for making statements in each category about what it is about and maybe 5 examples.

Like: I want us to do things together. I want for us to have time on our own. I want to feel like I have a sexlife. I want love. 

 

Talking together is a good idea. Taking agreements and statements upagain and see if there is a need to renegotiate is good idea. 

 

 

 

[Guest]

6 hours ago, MrDane said:

Could be a good idea! But in my relationship, it would be difficult to write down 50 things. She is very private about her feeling and uncomfortable with discussing it. I would aim for making statements in each category about what it is about and maybe 5 examples.

Like: I want us to do things together. I want for us to have time on our own. I want to feel like I have a sexlife. I want love. 

 

Talking together is a good idea. Taking agreements and statements upagain and see if there is a need to renegotiate is good idea. 

 

 

 

The want/will/won't lists tend to be more like:

 

Spoiler for TMI

 

Handjobs? Will

PiV? Won't

Cuddling? Want

 

There are pre-made lists for people who are simply not able to write one themselves, available on the internet. These can be useful in figuring out where a compromise can work in the physical realm. Then you both fill in what you're willing to do, what you want to do and what you simply won't do.

 

Overall relationship goals is more what you are discussing, which is of course great for discussing too.

[RD_the]

11 hours ago, MrDane said:

Could be a good idea! But in my relationship, it would be difficult to write down 50 things. She is very private about her feeling and uncomfortable with discussing it. I would aim for making statements in each category about what it is about and maybe 5 examples.

Like: I want us to do things together. I want for us to have time on our own. I want to feel like I have a sexlife. I want love. 

 

Talking together is a good idea. Taking agreements and statements upagain and see if there is a need to renegotiate is good idea. 

 

 

 

You don't write the want/will/won't lists together. You do them separately. They don't have to be about sex, they can be relationship goals. And there are whole realms of want/will/won't in your statements. Example: I want to do things together is very broad. Break it down: I want to go to rock music concerts with you. I will go see a sugar pop concert with you. I won't go to a country concert. I want to cook together. I will go to cooking classes together. I won't spend more than $100 for ingredients for a single meal. I want to do international travel together. I want to fly. I will do a long road trip. I won't go on a cruise. 

 

And so on. 

 

 

[MrDane]

2 hours ago, RD_the said:

You don't write the want/will/won't lists together. You do them separately. They don't have to be about sex, they can be relationship goals. And there are whole realms of want/will/won't in your statements. Example: I want to do things together is very broad. Break it down: I want to go to rock music concerts with you. I will go see a sugar pop concert with you. I won't go to a country concert. I want to cook together. I will go to cooking classes together. I won't spend more than $100 for ingredients for a single meal. I want to do international travel together. I want to fly. I will do a long road trip. I won't go on a cruise. 

 

And so on. 

 

 

Yeah, I know! ...and agree! Problem is, that if there is no relationship goals which are about "finding good sexual solutions or love" then suddenly the rock concert and the cooking class seems like far off. Luckily we both agree on a lot concerning holidays, money, children... it is just the sex and showing love/appreciation which is non-fitting!

[Kelsiekate]

I want to tell you how grateful I am for your support and advice 

 

this is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and I feel so grateful for this honest loving support 

 

my relationship has been brought to its knees in this process and I am so grateful for this advice 

 

the world tells me to fight 

 

and you guys tell me to talk 

 

be patient 

 

wait 

 

be kind to myself and him 

 

I am so so so sad 

 

he is so angry and afraid 

 

I am willing to try to ride out the storm 

and see where we end up 

 

so help me god 

 

thanks 

 

really ❤️❤️

 

 

[Slartibartfast]

Having just come out to my wife as Asexual, I have some thoughts from the other side. My entire marriage (10 years) has been an unwilling compromise. I have avoided intimacy simply because I didn't have the impulse and felt an amazing amount of pressure to return her sexual advances. It's led to a lot of depression, more than a handful of arguments, and long stretches with zero intimacy or even minor physical contact.

 

However...

 

In most sexual relationships I have been in I have generally enjoyed making my partner "happy." No, I don't have the urge and no, I don't get anything out of it (I find myself thinking about music in the middle of it a lot), but when the stars align and I don't feel sex-adverse I'll let them use me because their enjoyment is necessary in a relationship, too.

 

The problem has always been sexual overtures when I didn't want them, which is pretty much all the time. 

 

In the coming out talk when the conversation steered towards what do we do about it, we talked about how we can meet each other's needs (she is very sexual. In fact, I married her despite self-doubts because I thought she'd help break this sexual log jam I was feeling. Oy...). What it may come down to is this:

 

I'd be her personal blow-up doll...

 

I still won't necessarily want intimacy, but marriage and relationships is about compromises. And lets face it: I have "sacrificed" my comfort level over and over and over again in this marriage, which has led to a lot of anxiety and resentment.

 

The difference now is that we are communicating. She knows what I want–or more specifically do not want–and I know what she needs. So we're working on a way to have our cake (bad pun) and eat it too. And if that means letting her use me as her personal blow-up doll without the anxiety and resentment of the past, well then that just might save our marriage.

 

Naturally, every relationship is different and your husband's experience might not track with mine. But this is what one ace is doing to keep peace in the household.

[MrDane]

7 hours ago, Slartibartfast said:

Having just come out to my wife as Asexual, I have some thoughts from the other side. My entire marriage (10 years) has been an unwilling compromise. I have avoided intimacy simply because I didn't have the impulse and felt an amazing amount of pressure to return her sexual advances. It's led to a lot of depression, more than a handful of arguments, and long stretches with zero intimacy or even minor physical contact.

 

However...

 

In most sexual relationships I have been in I have generally enjoyed making my partner "happy." No, I don't have the urge and no, I don't get anything out of it (I find myself thinking about music in the middle of it a lot), but when the stars align and I don't feel sex-adverse I'll let them use me because their enjoyment is necessary in a relationship, too.

 

The problem has always been sexual overtures when I didn't want them, which is pretty much all the time. 

 

In the coming out talk when the conversation steered towards what do we do about it, we talked about how we can meet each other's needs (she is very sexual. In fact, I married her despite self-doubts because I thought she'd help break this sexual log jam I was feeling. Oy...). What it may come down to is this:

 

I'd be her personal blow-up doll...

 

I still won't necessarily want intimacy, but marriage and relationships is about compromises. And lets face it: I have "sacrificed" my comfort level over and over and over again in this marriage, which has led to a lot of anxiety and resentment.

 

The difference now is that we are communicating. She knows what I want–or more specifically do not want–and I know what she needs. So we're working on a way to have our cake (bad pun) and eat it too. And if that means letting her use me as her personal blow-up doll without the anxiety and resentment of the past, well then that just might save our marriage.

 

Naturally, every relationship is different and your husband's experience might not track with mine. But this is what one ace is doing to keep peace in the household.

@Slartibartfast i like and dislike your comparison to a blow-up doll. Do I understand you rigth? At good days, at certain times, under the rigth circumstances, you can focus on the enjoyment that you/your body can bring to the love of your life. This could be nice for both parties. I get sex (yes!!) and happiness(yes!) you get sex (meh!)and are happy about making me happy(yes)

 

the dislike is almost obvious. I pull out my blow-up doll, to Meet my needs. If the doll is flat, I get irritated, but have to accept that I cant use it.

[Slartibartfast]

15 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Slartibartfast i like and dislike your comparison to a blow-up doll. Do I understand you rigth? At good days, at certain times, under the rigth circumstances, you can focus on the enjoyment that you/your body can bring to the love of your life. This could be nice for both parties. I get sex (yes!!) and happiness(yes!) you get sex (meh!)and are happy about making me happy(yes)

 

the dislike is almost obvious. I pull out my blow-up doll, to Meet my needs. If the doll is flat, I get irritated, but have to accept that I cant use it.

Yes, at certain times I'm okay with assisting in/facilitating my wife's enjoyment. I think as she and I communicate more my anxiety will lessen and she won't feel as rejected, which would be a win-win.

 

I see your point that maybe it wasn't the best analogy. None of us are inanimate objects and I'm certain there are going to be times when I'm going to have the "Um...no" reaction that has plagued our marriage. Have to ponder a better way of putting it, both to her and this community.

[MrDane]

8 hours ago, Slartibartfast said:

Yes, at certain times I'm okay with assisting in/facilitating my wife's enjoyment. I think as she and I communicate more my anxiety will lessen and she won't feel as rejected, which would be a win-win.

 

I see your point that maybe it wasn't the best analogy. None of us are inanimate objects and I'm certain there are going to be times when I'm going to have the "Um...no" reaction that has plagued our marriage. Have to ponder a better way of putting it, both to her and this community.

@Slartibartfast I think it can be a good analogy. I just dont like the fact, that it is! But the connotation/extra meanings..uh, .Because blow-up dolls sounds a bit like a lonely losers choice. 

 

in most relationships, both parts do things they wouldnt do, if it werent for the love of their partner. I use quite a lot of my money and energy on things, which are for her sake and not for me. To support her ideas/projects. I just wouldnt like it to be a bargain, like "now, I have mowed the lawn, cut down the tree, cleaned the bathroom, washed the clothes, bathed the children...blow me?"

[Kelsiekate]

I don't want to 'use' my husband ever. 

 

I feel so sad that he has had to endure me for 10 years also. 

 

I dont feel rejected. I feel so sad, grieving that connection and feeling sorry for him. 

 

He has also been very angry and very depressed aver the years and often I thought it was connected to sex and suggested this. 

 

i am also very sexual 

 

but have zero desire to have sex with my husband if he doesn't want to 

 

so ... 

 

These are such painful but helpful conversations for me 

 

my husband is a beautiful man and there are so many other good things about our relationship 

 

I really feel sad that our sexual differences are as they are 

 

I wish I was a woman who was happy not to have sex 

 

I am 44 years old and feel my desire is getting more not less 

 

so feel afraid this is the beginning of the end now 

 

even though I'm holding on 

 

having the conversations 

 

letting go

of control 

 

I am sorry for aces married to sexuals 

 

this is is such a difficult situation 

especially if you love each other