Slayerin96 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Hello! My name is Tanya, I am 21 and I feel the need to share my story. I don;t know how many of you will have the patience to read it, but it is worth a try . I am an aromantic, which means I am incapable of falling in love, but since this is different from loving, you get the point. There are 2 persons whom I love: a woman (my best friend), and a boy who is 2 years older than me and about whom the story is. I only share it here because due to hardships she is facing, the woman cannot support me at the moment, and there is no one else I can discuss with since apart from these to persons, no one understands me all the way through and no one would believe me. And well, this is an online community where no one knows who I am. In order for you guys to understand the background, you need to know that the most intense feelings I am capable of experiencing towards someone are queerplatonic in nature. You know: affection, warmth, gratitude, appreciation, safety, trust and so on. Purely emotionally, just as you saw from what I said earlier, I am capable of feeling this towards both males and females. As I am hetero-demisexual, too, I might experience sexual attraction to a boy I know to some degree. Now, I dreamt of having a queerplatonic relationship ever since I was 14. I always imagined that if it were with a boy, sex would be involved, and if it were with a girl, we would just hold hands, cuddle, and share kisses which have absolutely no erotic connotation (cheeks, head and so on), as I can't get sexually attracted to women at all. Well, here is how the story goes: I met this boy (let's call him Harald) more than 2 years ago at the university. After about 3 months of exchanging words when meeting incidentally, I got a squish on him (that means a desire to get to know someone better and become friends with them) and acted upon it, gently and cautiously. We gradually started talking more and more and he proved to be a nice guy. I sensed we could form a beautiful friendship some day and I didn't want to lose him due to potential misunderstandings, I feared the fact that he might misinterpret my behaviour, so one day I summoned up courage and told him the truth about myself: being an aromantic. His reaction was unexpectedly good and he asked me what kind of relationship I sought and I tried to introduce him to the concept of queerplatonic relationships. In order to put it simply, I explained that such a relationship with a guy would mean being best friends and sex would be like a bonus. He then asked me if I would be in such a relationship with him and I said yes, if we let the bond form in time and the physical attraction happen with the time (so no pressure). He then somehow hinted to me that he desires me physically. A very little while later I started experiencing something new. I knew him to some degree, he seemed to have a similar mindset to mine, so...for the first time in 19 years, I felt lust. I desired him more by the day but I didn't have the courage to tell him because I didn't want him to misunderstand. I didn't want to lose the friendship which was forming slowly but certainly. I tried to give him discreet hints and one day he got it and asked me if I would like to engage in a friendship with benefits with him, and after he reassured me he does consider me a friend and doesn't want to lose the friendship, either, I said yes. Ever since we got intimate for the first time, he was very considerate of me and treated me with respect. I was always relaxed and felt good with him. We desired each other, and made each other feel good, and we communicated very well. Every single time was great. In the meantime, our friendship was growing stronger. We got to know each other. I realised he is a great person. We've always been getting along very well, and supported each other and listened to each other. The ultimate proof of the fact that he's a true friend was revealed to me during a traumatic experience. Last year in December the condom slipped off and I felt my world was breaking apart. I panicked. He took me in his arms to comfort me. We got dressed, went to the pharmacy, I took the pill and I felt a bit better. We returned to my place and took a nap, we slept in each other's arms. We cuddled and kissed. I felt warmth, safety, and comfort and I could read on his face he was feeling the same. We both agreed hugs were the best.. We faced that hardship together and it was great. It all turned out to be fine in the end. I once slept at his place while his parents were away, and after we had our fun and showered we felt comfortable sleeping together. He was the second person to be welcomed in my heart (that woman was the first one). A month ago I summoned up courage and asked him if he would like to become my life queerplatonic partner one day because I'd realised he was exactly what I was looking for. I told him I want no pressure, that we would take it slowly and trust each other. We hung out several times after that and he took initiative kissing me goodbye, while I reciprocated it with discreet hand holding, hugging, kissing chastely when no one was looking (I like privacy). Yesterday while we were chatting he told me he thought about us and came to the conclusion we wouldn't quite match together as partners. I told him it was no problem. We then started talking about it: Harald: I'm sorry I gave you false hope, I really thought a lot about it... Me: It's alright Harald: I hope you understand... Me: Harald, I truly care about you and I want you to feel comfortable. Of course I understand Harald: Please be honest...did you get attached to me? Or do you mean it in a friendly way? Me: Harald, my feelings for you are like a very strong friendship, just like I explained to you...it;s what i feel (emotionally) for my best friend, too...I love both of you...in my own way....the sexual attraction towards you is just extra... Harald: I understand... Me: About hand holding and cuddling, this is me...I love both of you deeply in my own way Harald: I also care about you a lot and love you as my best friend, but nothing more. Me: to me it;s like I am capable of loving more persons at the same time, but would choose one of hem as my partner based on various additional factors...you are exactly what I look for...you understand? and once again, I love you truly and first and foremost I want you to feel comfortable and okay Harald: I understand what you mean, but you see, I don't think we could be more than best friends. But I love you, too, as my best friend and I want you to be fine Me: So we can stay best friends and talk and hang out and hug as a form of salutation (or comforting when it;s the case)? Harald: exactly I then gave him this song I dedicated the song to him and then told him what I meant: "Having you as my partner would have been very beautiful because as I said, you are exactly what I look for...it;s the situation that hurts, it's not YOU who hurt me, but the situation itself...all the moments (cuddling, holding your hand and so on) were very special and beautiful to me...and in bed you always treated me with respect and were considerate of me...and you were by my side when I needed you the most (the incident with the condom)...and I feel very comfortable around you...and we're best friends...and everything...I wand to say "thank you" for all that...please believe me when I say it, I'm not like the others, I do NOT hate you for the fact that a (queerplatonic) partnership with you isn't possible...on the contrary...I'm grateful for everything...for all the beautiful times...and I love you in the true meaning of the word and what I want first and foremost is you to be happy...whether this involves our being partners or not...I love you truly and I will never forget you!" Harald: Like I said, I love you, too as my best friend and I wish us to remain best friends, just without the "benefits". I will also be there for you from now on and help you as much as I can. But I am so sorry you feel hurt because of this, it was never my intention... Me: my dear Harald...I know you didn't do it on purpose...my wound will heal one day/ Harald: Maybe it was a bad idea to include the benefits in our friendship after all... Me: no, Harald...I don't regret it... Harald: You mean it? Me: I do...it was something beautiful for both of us...it wasn't a mistake...it happened because you're a great and special person! Harald: Alright...I just wish I could have told you sooner we couldn't be more than best friends. Me: it' alright...you were confused...I know you'd never do anything bad to me...at least not on purpose! Harald: I certainly wouldn't! Me: Best friends forever in this case! >:d< Harald: Gladly! >:d< Well, the things is, for a while I thought I, too, was what he looks for and I didn't expect that. It is painful because I really thought I was what he looks for. It is the situation that hurts. This is why I am devastated. But what I wanted to make clear to him is that I let him go because I love him truly ^_^. He will always have a special place in my heart because he deserves it. And, most importantly, he truly cares about me...he told me the most bbeautiful possible thing...he made it clear to me that may be the queerplatonic partner of my dreams that I've lost, but I'll never lose the true friend that he is! Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Well after reading this, I'm confused on so many levels. Like why would you call friends-with-benefits situation queer-platonic when there is nothing platonic going on Anyway I am glad you don't have any misunderstanding with your friend about whatever it was that you guys were doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Slayerin96 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 30 minutes ago, Chihiro said: Well after reading this, I'm confused on so many levels. Like why would you call friends-with-benefits situation queer-platonic when there is nothing platonic going on Anyway I am glad you don't have any misunderstanding with your friend about whatever it was that you guys were doing. Well, it's called QUEERplatonic for a reason. Platonic is with the meaning with non-romantic..google the word...a queerplatonic relationship may or may involve eroticism to some degree. Besides, at the time I didn't have queerplatonic feelings for him since our friendship was still in progress. I came to love him based on the bond we formed, on getting to know each other, accepting and understanding each other and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I think you should Google it. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/platonic I'm not sure why you call yourself aromantic when you enjoy cuddling and kissing. Link to post Share on other sites
Slayerin96 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 10 minutes ago, Chihiro said: I think you should Google it. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/platonic I'm not sure why you call yourself aromantic when you enjoy cuddling and kissing. It's called sensual attraction http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-05-02/the-6-types-of-attraction/ Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Aromantic is lack of all attraction really. If sex, cuddling, kissing and relationship is aromantic and platonic for you, I wonder what you consider as romantic and sexual!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 8 minutes ago, Chihiro said: I think you should Google it. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/platonic I'm not sure why you call yourself aromantic when you enjoy cuddling and kissing. Some aromantics can enjoy kissing and cuddling. Other aromantics don't. It depends on the person. http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic_FAQ Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet said: Some aromantics can enjoy kissing and cuddling. Other aromantics don't. It depends on the person. http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic_FAQ And I suppose some asexuals can enjoy sex as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, Chihiro said: And I suppose some asexuals can enjoy sex as well. I have heard that as well,actually Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Lol. Its ridiculous. Let's also add giving flowers, giving expensive gifts, saying 'i love you' and other sweet nothings as a sign of not-romance. I pity all the romantic people now who have nothing left to show their romance! Link to post Share on other sites
Slayerin96 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 Someone please enlighten this woman, I don't know how to explain the facts to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Rio Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Ahh, but I am a massive romantic. Love is the best! I will take all questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, Chihiro said: Lol. Its ridiculous. Let's also add giving flowers, giving expensive gifts, saying 'i love you' and other sweet nothings as a sign of not-romance. I pity all the romantic people now who have nothing left to show their romance! People have the right to express their friendship how they see fit. If some one wants to buy their friend was ts to buy their friend an expensive gift (which I have seen done before) it doesn't make it romantic. If someone gives a flower to a friend (which I have also seen before) it doesn't make it romantic. These acts are acts of kindness,unless the parties who are participating see it otherwise. Romantic people have plenty of ways to show their romance to each other how they see fit. Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 37 minutes ago, Chihiro said: I'm not sure why you call yourself aromantic when you enjoy cuddling and kissing. I kiss my parents. If you think that is inherently romantic you have serious problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Slayerin96 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 8 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said: I kiss my parents. If you think that is inherently romantic you have serious problems. Hahahahahahaha =))))) Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 28 minutes ago, Chihiro said: Aromantic is lack of all attraction really That is YOUR definition that applies to YOU only. You do not speak for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I suppose everything in this world from saving to killing can be seen as kindness or romance. Then, that makes no sense to make any labels. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 1 minute ago, ChillaKilla said: I kiss my parents. If you think that is inherently romantic you have serious problems. Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I for one think it's utterly pathetic that one cannot show physical affection to one's FRIENDS without people claiming that it HAS to be romantic. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 1 minute ago, Chihiro said: I suppose everything in this world from saving to killing can be seen as kindness or romance. Then, that makes no sense to make any labels. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, ChillaKilla said: I kiss my parents. If you think that is inherently romantic you have serious problems. I think you it's sick you are bringing parents into this discussion. It's out of scope of this discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 1 minute ago, ChillaKilla said: I for one think it's utterly pathetic that one cannot show physical affection to one's FRIENDS without people claiming that it HAS to be romantic. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet said: What a hyperbole, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, Chihiro said: I think you it's sick you are bringing parents into this discussion. It's out of scope of this discussion. You're the one calling every single sign of affecting that involves kissing "romantic". You are WAY out of line here. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Just now, ChillaKilla said: What a hyperbole, eh? LMAO. Link to post Share on other sites
Rio Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Ok. This is not the place for me as a hopeless romantic. I will leave you niw. Rage on peoples. Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 It's people who say BS like "aromantics don't like affection at ALL" that help perpetuate the harmful myths that all aromantics are cold, avoidant sociopaths. I've been trying to dispell that ever since I've been open about my aromanticism, do you KNOW how hard it is?! How many times I've had to explain that I'm not a sick inhuman robot simply because I don't want to date or marry? How many times I've been given a look like I'm some kind of slut with commitment issues? How many times people have told me my life is going to be empty and unfulfilling? How many friendships I've almost lost because other people always assume I am dating them because of my ways of showing affection, even if that friend IS dating someone else? NOWHERE IS IT WRITTEN IN STONE THAT BEING PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE IS A SIGN OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 1 minute ago, ChillaKilla said: It's people who say BS like "aromantics don't like affection at ALL" that help perpetuate the harmful myths that all aromantics are cold, avoidant sociopaths. I've been trying to dispell that ever since I've been open about my aromanticism, do you KNOW how hard it is?! How many times I've had to explain that I'm not a sick inhuman robot simply because I don't want to date or marry? How many times I've been given a look like I'm some kind of slut with commitment issues? How many times people have told me my life is going to be empty and unfulfilling? How many friendships I've almost lost because other people always assume I am dating them because of my ways of showing affection, even if that friend IS dating someone else? NOWHERE IS IT WRITTEN IN STONE THAT BEING PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE IS A SIGN OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Slayerin96 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 9 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said: It's people who say BS like "aromantics don't like affection at ALL" that help perpetuate the harmful myths that all aromantics are cold, avoidant sociopaths. I've been trying to dispell that ever since I've been open about my aromanticism, do you KNOW how hard it is?! How many times I've had to explain that I'm not a sick inhuman robot simply because I don't want to date or marry? How many times I've been given a look like I'm some kind of slut with commitment issues? How many times people have told me my life is going to be empty and unfulfilling? NOWHERE IS IT WRITTEN IN STONE THAT BEING PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE IS A SIGN OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS. My story is a proof that aromantics, too, are capable of loving. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I have a feeling this thread is gonna be one HELL of a ride. So with that being said... Break out the drinks and popcorn Enjoy the show. Link to post Share on other sites
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