LostInLove Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Thank goodness I found this site because I've been struggling. I'm hoping someone can share something with me that can give insight into where I am and where I go from here. I had been close friends with a woman for a couple years and we had always shared an attraction. With the risk of sounding corny, I would say she is my soulmate. We had for years flirted and shared our sexual interests with one another (through conversation). We started dating and fell deeply in love. In December I asked her to marry me and she gave an enthusiastic 'YES' as her reply. Here is where the road veers. I am a sexual being and enjoy passionate and slightly taboo things behind closed doors. A couple weeks ago she opened up to me to let me know she had been lying (for as long as she'd known me) and that she doesn't enjoy anything sexual and that she never has. I love her in every way, but I'm not stalled in the thought of basically giving up all things sexual for the rest of my life. I understand where she is in her life and why she feels the way she does about sex (her history). I feel deceived by her lie and I am now left feeling undesirable. She and I have talked several times about the topic and we don't seem to make any headway. I don't want to lose the love of my life, but I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm lying to myself if I pretend it doesn't hurt and that denying who I am will come at a great cost. I don't want to end up resenting the woman I love. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Your fiancé should have been honest with you from the start. She may have been afraid to tell you the truth from the get-go thinking you may leave her,but in my opinion, that is no excuse,she should not have lied to you. You two need to have a serious chat,ASAP. Neither of you should be in a relationship where both of you are unhappy in. If you two can't compromise on something when it comes to sex, it is best for the both of you to really rethink this relationship. I know you don't want to lose the love of your life, and she probably doesn't want to lose you either. But if you two truly love each other and want the absolute best for each other, you two must acknowledge that breaking up may be an option. True, breaking up is nothing either of you desire, but if sex is this important to you,and you can't do celibacy,and she can't do sex, it may be best for you to part ways to find others who would be more compatible. Neither of you want to see each other in a stressful situation. I suggest you two go to a relationship therapist to get help in this area and to get a professional's view on it. I hope things end out well for the both of you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 You feel deceived because your partner has been willfully, consciously deceiving you throughout your relationship. Immediately break off the engagement and stop any wedding plans in their tracks. I guess you could continue dating her if for some reason you're sure you want to, though I don't recommend it. At least make it clear to your partner that this a serious incompatibility that you may not be able to work around, and also that no sane person would be able to trust her right now. I would tell her that the word marriage is totally off the table for at least three years. That's longer than most asexuals can hold up their end of a compromise agreement and longer than most sexuals can convince themselves they aren't miserable. At least if you get married after that you'll know what you're getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Personally, I cannot stand nor will I tolerate being lied to. If I were in your shoes, I'd be glad to have found out about this before signing up for anything serious. Who knows what else she's hiding... sorry, lying is an absolute no-go in my book. I'd be more than happy to go separate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
ranting ferret Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 definitely need to be having some rough conversations. it is absolutely unfair that she hasn't expressed her true sexual feelings. but i can see a number of complex reason (not having any further information that you've given). i would assume that she deeply loves you back since she has continued to be with you and said yes to your proposal. maybe she didn't fully understand her own feelings. was hoping they would change and realized they would not. maybe it was out of fear of a loss of your relationship. there are other options as well. i think it wouldn't hurt to let her have space to tell you why she waited to now to be so honest. i think it is good for you to take time for yourself to process the feelings and thoughts your having. i think it's fair to let her know that her keeping this information back from you hurt you. if things continue, you will both have to decide what kind of compromises you both can make concerning sex. i mean, this is pretty much the case for anyone, but obviously, a bit more intense for your case. there are a lot of options, but only you two can decide and what and if any of those would work. have the talks about continuing the relationship as is, as an engaged couple and what that might mean, or step back from engagement to figure things out individually and as a couple. i would really recommend holding some of these conversations with a counselor. and i would suggest to give time and space to these talks. you'll both be learning to getting painfully honest with each other if the relationship continues. be prepared to have a change in the relationship. whether it ends, leads to a working compromise and continues or something in between. just be willing to do what will be best for each of you individually first. (i speak as an asexual married to a definitively sexual person. we had a very slow moving relationship in dating. and had to have a lot of specific talk about what levels of physicality we would have at each level. i didn't understand that i was ace until after being married. we each had pretty high levels of honest communication. we set a standard that whoever was the slower moving one set the pace of intimacy...which was mostly me. just to let you know where i'm coming from in my probably dubious advice) Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 52 minutes ago, LostInLove said: I understand where she is in her life and why she feels the way she does about sex (her history). Based on this I feel like she had a good reason for not telling you sooner. I appreciate if my fellow AVENites don't immediately bash his fiancee! Give her the benefit of doubt because OP has given little info on why she never said anything before. It could be any number of reasons including past psychological trauma not just 'he will leave me if I tell'. We know many people on this site who realized after marrying!!!! I am sorry you are feeling this way. Truth is when expectations are not met, you always get hurt in relationships (not just sexual expectations). Has she flat out denied compromising on sex, or are you unhappy with the compromise since you said you are feeling undesirable? Just based on the post, I feel that you have reached a stalemate, and hence break up the engagement and move on. Communicate your feelings with her and hopefully, she will understand your reasons (if she has trouble understanding your point of view, point her to AVEN). Also, don't take this as rejection. Just think of this as compatibility issue (I know its not easy to think like that) and that won't make you resent her. That being said you can't control her reaction, so you may loose friendship so just brace yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 6 minutes ago, Chihiro said: Give her the benefit of doubt because OP has given little info on why she never said anything before. It could be any number of reasons including past psychological trauma not just 'he will leave me if I tell'. We know many people on this site who realized after marrying!!!! Except that this isn't about "realizing after marriage." OP clearly stated that they'd been lied to. That's way different. Now I'm not saying that they shouldn't try to find a solution if they think it's worth it, but I personally wouldn't be able to carry on knowing I had been lied to for years, especially not concerning a subject the liar knew was important to me. My relationships heavily rely on the ability to trust each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Personally, I look for reasons behind a lie. There are valid reasons to lie in life. Lies are not black and white. I can argue that 'people who realized after marrying' were lying to themselves and I am sure they knew it for sometime before finally confronting the truth. Anyway, I rather not derail this thread anymore, I have made my point to OP already! Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 When it comes to the OP's partner being guilty of actively deceiving the OP about something very serious for a long time, there is no doubt to give her the benefit of. She confessed, remember? There is no imaginable reason that would make her behavior in any way okay. The most generous thing I can say about her is that at least she had enough of a conscience not to carry the deception all the way through to marriage. So maybe she understands the seriousness of her offense and is now taking full personal responsibility without making any excuses. In which case, don't "help" her by making excuses for her. Taking responsibility is the first step in trying to live a more honorable life and repair the severely damaged relationship to the extent possible. Treat her like a mentally competent adult with free will, and let her take responsibility for her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 It's my personality to not really care about being lied to. I think that being able to get past the deceit aspect and onto the actual content of what's going on is helpful. People lie for many reasons... in this case, I think it's more than understandable. When I was young and dating boys, I wasn't all that into it. It was fun in a "what an interesting new game I'm learning!" way, and in a "ooh, all this social cache is delightful!" way, but not in an actual... omg I get wet thinking of you way. But how the hell was I supposed to know that was unusual?! When you're not repulsed and/or if you have issues in your past that make you question the validity of your repulsion, it's far too much to ask of someone to immediately know that their wavelength is, I don't know, less engaged than your wavelength. There are so many factors going into how one perceives one's own feelings that just because, upon retrospect, you see that you'd been wrong about yourself for years, doesn't mean that it's an easy and automatic realization to come to. So, OP, I don't care that she lied to you. Of course she lied to you. Whatever. Moving on from that, do you have an issue with a sexless life that you likely won't get completely honest answers about? My suggestion is the same as the above... at least call off the engagement for now and get into counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
LostInLove Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 When I say I understand her reason for lying and hiding it, I'm referencing the fact she was raped repeatedly for years by a family member when she was a young girl. That's enough to make anyone retreat away from sex. She does love me as I love her and beyond the sex our relationship is amazing. She has expressed that she hopes over time she is able to open back up and that she wants to try to work on it. I'm willing to limit our intimacy levels (and have hope the some day she feels differently), but what I'm not willing to do is give up on love because someone else damaged my beautiful fiance. I haven't talked with her about any kind of open relationship because, frankly, that isn't something I'm willing to do. I'm a sexual being, but only when I love someone. I see so many people saying break it off and that was my initial reaction too. I couldn't imagine myself going on without a wife who spoke the same language as me sexually. I'm not afraid to lose the relationship, but I am afraid to lose her. She has become my all. I'm assuming she never felt we would get together, so in our years of friendship she wanted to appear to be okay... (she certainly didn't tell me about her rape back then). Then, we fell in love. Maybe I am naive for thinking things will change. I know she wants to, but it's completely plausible that our marriage will be sexless or near sexless. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 1. Put wedding plans on pause 2. If she is still the love of your life, then use some time to find out if an acceptable compromise can be reached/worked on. 3. Make it quite clear to her, that the game has changed. And it is not just about frequency and piv. 4. What about the future? Kids, living with a room mate-feeling, how does she see your sex life evolve? What about next time, when there is a difficult issue that she knows is very important to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 She told you now for a reason. What's the reason? Is it because it's something she wants to work on? That seems hopeful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 3 hours ago, LostInLove said: 3 hours ago, LostInLove said: I feel deceived by her lie and I am now left feeling undesirable I guess it's normal to FEEL deceived, but IMO, she likely lied due to fear of losing you, not for a malicious reason. You definitely should not feel undesirable. Her lack of interest in sex is not about you. I agree with others who have mentioned putting things on hold until you figure out if you can spend your life in a sexless marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
LostInLove Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 I want to thank each and every person who took the time to reply to my thread. It has been a struggle trying to figure out what to do. I'm talking with her about some of the ideas I received from the collective. Each of you is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Photodude Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Let's forget about the fact she lied to you, and the why's. You're just lucky you found out before the marriage. I wasn't that lucky. I would *NOT* suggest relationship counseling. I do not believe there is a single asexual identifying member on this site that ever suggested that counseling made them sexual. In fact, it is a mantra here that it is an orientation. With that on the table, what does relationship counseling do for you? It might help the two of you to come to some sort of TEMPORARY negotiation as to how much sex you will have. With someone that decidedly and admittedly does not desire you that way. Or it might help you to be happy in your misery (assuming you truly are "very sexual", you will be miserable) If there is one message here in this mixed relationship section, it is this: in most cases, love is not enough. This is about a fundamental incompatibility. In most cases a deal breaker incompatibility. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. A lifetime is a looooong time. If you take the compromise route, I would get it in writing, and notarized, with two witnesses, in a lawyers office. If you don't think that sounds very romantic then you might get the drift of what I'm saying. It is safe to assume that no matter what your partner says she is willing to compromise on now, she is saying that while you are still in the limerence phase. Almost all long term relationships see at least a modest decline in sexual activity as the relationship ages. But in the mixed relationships it trends toward ZERO, which is apparently her preference (?). Maybe not in every case but for planning purposes that is a safe assumption of an unknown future. If you decide to stick it out, you may want to prepare yourself for that most likely outcome, regardless of any compromise you reach prior to marriage. If, on the other hand, you believe you can live with a LIFE TIME of celibacy, and being unwanted that way by the person you love, ignore my advice, it was meant for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
gisiebob Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I suppose I don't understand the termonology of "put things on hold"? time doesn't care about your miscommunication. I guess the formalities of marraige require some date to be placed and an appropriate amount of planning, but I guess I just don't find that stuff important? whatev's. important stuff: how would you approach this on the otherside? if there was something integral to your relationship to your friend which you were simply absent from? would you argue that it obviously isn't integral because you cannot precieve a need for it? embrace the paradox that between you two you are discussing something that is and is not important. fearlessly consider your fears, but not alone. don't forget you have a team member to help you out. embrace frustration. have a mutual plan and try your best to stay on the same page. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 32 minutes ago, gisiebob said: I suppose I don't understand the termonology of "put things on hold"? time doesn't care about your miscommunication. Have you ever been married? Divorce is much harder and messier than a break up before marriage. If you're not sure about your future, putting marriage plans on hold is the only legitimate option. The "meh, we'll just get divorced in 6 months if we feel like it" path is not the smart one to take. Don't legally tie yourself and your finances to someone if you already know there are major problems that may not be resolvable. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 3 hours ago, Photodude said: If you take the compromise route, I would get it in writing, and notarized, with two witnesses, in a lawyers office. If you don't think that sounds very romantic then you might get the drift of what I'm saying. Uhm. What? There is no legally binding "you must have sex with me this many times a week" contract.... She shouldn't have lied, if she knew she wasn't into sex. But, now you know. As someone who decided to try to have sex but didn't enjoy it, it's hard. And it gets harder all the time. I couldn't keep it up. And there is a chance she might not be able to, even if some sort of compromise comes into play. Can you be OK with no sex if that happens? If not, I would not suggest getting married. Try to figure something out while together, but not legally married, then progress further if you feel it's something you two can handle long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I don't think Photodude means a literal prenup to that effect. I think the point is that promises to compromise are unreliable, so sexuals who are blinded by love and are convincing themselves that things will magically be okay should not make binding commitments. Link to post Share on other sites
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