How does sexual attraction feel? ~ Theory

[Kawaii Sushi]

Hello everyone!

Yesterday my boyfriend came up with an intresting theory/metaphor about how to describe sexual attraction for someone that dosen't feel it, so I thoght it would be a good idea to share it here and see what you guys think ~~

First, a short background story... I'm asexual and my boyfriend is in the gray area, with other words, he feel sexual attraction and I don't. Because of this we talk a lot about this subject. Yesterday I asked (again) about how he would describe sexual attraction, honestly, I'm fine without it, but I belive it would be good to have a clue about what it's all about. This is what we came up with:

You know the moment when you REALLY want some candy, cake, cookies or whatever sweet stuff you like? Not just when you feel it would be a tasty snack, but the days when you have look forward for some delicious cake for days... You think about that yummy chocolate cake with strawberries or that cheesecake with awesome breadcrumbs? Maybe you think about some cookies too... All these pictures of sweets go throgh your brain and you can feel how you can't relax because you can't eat that cake? And sometimes you can have a small bite of the cake, a little bit of frosting or a strawberry, but you can't have the whole cake... There is also the moments when you maybe are happy with having half the cake because you are full of other sweets... I hope some of you can relate ~~

Say that this feeling of wanting to have sweets is about sex insted, and there you have sexual attraction. It's something you really want, and when you can't have it you want it more... Sometimes you get a kiss (a bite of the cake) but nothing more and you stand there without sex (cake).

So, I think this sound accurate, like a good way to explain this to make me (a person who can't feel sexual attraction) undertand it better. What do you guys think about this? Did you get the feeling at all?

Oh, Yea... Sorry if you all want cake now ~~

[Lara Black]

Seems close enough. I’m not that much of a sweet tooth to want cake that badly, but the favourite food analogy seems to work. Although instead of one’s stomach growling with hunger, one’s loins often feel warm and/or pulsing.

[Guest]

I still don't see the reason to call that "attraction" instead of what it plainly is - desire.

[Guest]

I'm still very unsure and don't know what my sexuality is but I can't relate to that description at all ;s

[Guest]

I'd say that's just a general desire for partnered sex, and sexual people all experience that differently. Pretty much to be sexual means that under some circumstances you innately desire partnered sex for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. If you dont experience that, ever, that's asexuality. That sums it up for me :3

[Guest]

I'd say that's just a general desire for partnered sex, and sexual people all experience that differently. Pretty much to be sexual means that under some circumstances you innately desire partnered sex for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. If you dont experience that, ever, that's asexuality. That sums it up for me :3

I haven't heard of sex for "emotional pleasure" before... I'm curious about that, can you describe it?

[Sutaomiiru]

I sort of imagine sexual attraction being like the dark side of the force. Suddenly, Anakin felt a need to kill the Jedi.

[Finn.]

Well damn, am I asexual after all then? Like, I can relate to this on a masturbation level (at least somewhat), but not on a partnered sex level.

[Guest]

I'd say that's just a general desire for partnered sex, and sexual people all experience that differently. Pretty much to be sexual means that under some circumstances you innately desire partnered sex for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. If you dont experience that, ever, that's asexuality. That sums it up for me :3

I haven't heard of sex for "emotional pleasure" before... I'm curious about that, can you describe it?

The emotionaI aspects of partnered sex are often at Ieast 50% of the pIeasure for sexuaIs, sometimes much more than that. Partnered sex isn't just 'physicaI feeIings' for most sexuaIs, it's often a feeIing of deep emotionaI intimacy with another person, so deep that for many sexuaIs nothing eIse you can do with a partner compares to that (emotionaI) feeIing. There is aIso intense emotionaI pIeasure in knowing someone eIse wants you this much, enough to fuIIy expose the most vuInerabIe and intimate aspects of themseIves to you. That's a very personaI thing, and being abIe to be vuInerabIe Iike that and have someone want you and want to show you there vuInerabiIity as weII is one of the many things that makes sex an extremeIy emotionaIIy pIeasurabIe experience.

The emotionaI aspects of sex are one of the many things overIooked and misunderstood in the asexuaI community when trying to define sexuaIity! I often see peopIe saying things Iike ''I onIy desire sex because it's so emotionaIIy intimate, I don't care about the physicaI aspects of it as much even though they feeI good too, but if it wasn't for the emotionaI aspect I'd have no interest in sex, so I'm asexuaI'' not understanding that for many sexuaI peopIe, the physicaI aspects of sex are secondary to the emotionaI. Many assume sexuaIs have sex because it feeIs so good in their genitaIs and that's what drives them. They Iook at someone attractive, get horny, and desire sex as a resuIt. That's a massive oversimpIifiaction and whiIe some sexuaIs experience it Iike that, many sexuaIs have to deveIop an emotionaI connection with a person (often a romantic connection) and then, as a resuIt of those emotions, they desire sex as a deepIy pIeasurabIe expression of those emotions. For many sexuaIs, appearance isn't even that important. Matching aesthetic vaIues is often a factor of course, but certainIy not aII sexuaI peopIe ''Iook at hot peopIe and get aroused'', many desire sex as a resuIt of romantic Iove; that's extremeIy common, as opposed to desiring sex as a resuIt of appearance. Some aIso just desire sex because it feeIs good (physicaIIy and emotionaIIy) and appearance doesn't matter at aII!!

If sex was IiteraIIy JUST a physicaI feeIing, we wouId have a Iot Iess unhappy sexuaI partners here because hey, you can just masturbate to get those feeIings!! But what most sexuaI peopIe in reIationships with asexuaIs miss is the emotionaI aspects of sex. Being desired, having someone want you and want to be sexuaIIy vuInerabIe with you, that deep bonding emotionaI intimacy of shared sexuaI pIeasure and shared sexuaI vuInerabiIIty.. It's aImost aIways those aspects of sex that sexuaI partners are missing, more than the physicaI feeIings of sex.

So that's a brief description of what I mean by 'emotionaI pIeasure' ..I normaIIy wouId write a Iot more but I'm recording an audiobook so had to type in a hurry, I hope their aren't too many typos!! D:

PS: It's much easier to define sexuaIity by ''a desire to connnect sexuaIIy with others for sexuaI and/or emotionaI pIeasure, under some circumstances'' because the term ''sexuaI attraction'' can be defined compIeteIy differentIy by aImost every person who experiences it. And some asexuaIs experience it without having any desire to have sex with anyone, whiIe many sexuaIs don't actuaIIy experience sexuaI attraction at aII!! (the ways it's most commonIy defined anyway) ..For exampIe, the OP's partner defined sexuaI attraction quite cIearIy and accurateIy how it feeIs for him, yet for me when I experience it it feeIs Iike eIectric puIses moving through my entire body, drawing me towards a specific person (not as a resuIt of appearance but as a resuIt of romantic Iove for that person) . My whoIe body gets this aImost static ache that radiates out from my womb and reproductive organs (it's beyond genitaI arousaI, this actuaIIy centers from my womb-area, as though evoIution is saying breeeeeed or something, haha!! This feeIing may or may not be accompanied by genitaI arousaI for me, depending on the day) HOWEVER, for me (and I know for a minority of other peopIe) I don't actuaIIy care if I have sex or not as a resuIt of this feeIing. It's the feeIing itseIf that's amazing and exciting and exiIerating and whiIe yes, I experience stronger orgasms resuIt from this feeIing if I masturbate whiIe I have it, that doesn't Iead me to feeI Iike I'd be unhappy if I never have sex again (I haven't had sex in 5 years now!). So I'm not necessarily craving sex Iike one wouId crave candy (damn, when I want chocoIate I'm GETTING chocoIate, there's no stopping me, haha!) yet I have this eIectricaI feeIing of being drawn in a very sexuaI, primaI way to another human being without minding or caring if that Ieads to sex or not. I've never actuaIIy physicaIIy had partnered sex when feeIing this way (as my partner is on the other side of the worId) but I've never enjoyed sex in the past.. Having never had it whiIe experiencing these eIectricaI feeIings I'm not sure if it wouId feeI differentIy for me, that remains to be seen!

So that's two extremeIy different experiences of sexuaI attraction (mine and the OP's boyfriend) and there are many more besides!! and some sexuaI peopIe don't experience it at aII, they just Iove the way sex feeIs so want to have it with others for the pIeasure sex brings them.. the Iist of variabIes here goes on and on!!

Okay, now I reaIIy have to run to start my recording (don't have time to proofread!) argh AVEN is so distracting haha.

[Killthelights]

I agree with panfictovore.

I consider myself mostly sexual, but the physical pleasure is just "meh" to me on It's own. I desire sex because of an emotional connection. To be close to someone, to share that intimacy and vulnerability with them, the cuddly aftermath when we're done....It's amazing. It increases the physical pleasure. I would use sex to show love or affection and feel unloved without it in a relationship.

Sex just for physical pleasure is boring. I might as well have just masturbated, since I know myself better than a "hook-up" and there's also no STI risk. I also realize some sexuals don't view it that way, they like casual sex and like the social experience, but I'm not a social person unless it literally means something more. (Also why I don't even like talking to strangers or acquaintances in a non-sexual way....It's boring and draining as hell. I'm only really interested in making long term friendship like bonds. So It's a personality thing)

Note: I am NOT saying that love and sex are the same thing. A relationship without sex is still a relationship, and casual sex is a desire to other sexuals. I just do not like casual sex, so sex has a different meaning for me. But I'm still sexual :) But I believe panfictovore was simply trying to say that not all sexuals like random sex with strangers or even the physical aspects of sex on It's own. We're all different.

[Kawaii Sushi]

PanFictovore ~~ This is really intresting and something I did not think about. You are defenitly right (according to me), it is imposseble (I think?) to have an emotional connection with a cookie... Do you belive emotional plesure is wat is 'missing' in a ace relationship, and that is the reason sex can be diffirent when one person is ace? Like the whole 'asexual' thing is that the parts of emotional pleasure part in sex dosen't exist (in the same way that it does for someone that is not asexual) and that is the reason it can be boring and so on? Because for me I can still feel pleasure when someone is totching me, but it is not in a emotional way...

(Side note, this is thoughts and stuff I'm intrested in hearing other peoples opinions. So, please, try to not get offended if someone did, I did not mean it in that way)

Finn ~~ I can't say if you are it or not, that is how you personally want to describe yourself. This is something me and my boyfriend had a talk about and I felt like sharing. I wanted to know somebody elses thoughts on this. Figure yourself out is hard, but read about it and someday somthing in your brain might say 'this is me' or it don't, both of them is fine ^^

[Guest]

For many sexual people it's the emotional aspects of sex that they miss most in a relationship with an asexual. I dont speak for all sexuals of course, but ive known many (my own ex included) who become deeply unhappy even if their ace partner is giving them sex, because it's not just "sex" they desire. It's the emotional pleasure and intimacy that sex brings, the feeling of being wanted and desired and accepted at their most vulnerable and exposed. If someone is just giving you sex to try to make you happy, but don't actually desire it themselves, then all youre getting is the physical feelings which you could get from masturbating. The emotional aspects of that shared sexual desire and deeply vulnerable intimacy are one of the things that make sex such a uniquely pleasurable experience for many (most) sexual people. :)

(And yes just to clarify that's not to say love and sex are the same thing, just that for many sexual people, the physical and emotional pleasures of sexual intimacy are an integral part of romantic love. Many can still desire and enjoy sex without romantic love though, just as an asexual can experience romantic love and desire romantic intimacy without sex!) ^_^