Extremely Confused... I've never had a crush on anyone

[Tea-Raise]

Hello.

I am a 16 year old girl who is extremely confused.

I've never had a crush on anyone in my life and it really scares me. I love the idea of being in a relationship with someone and having sex with them but I just don't feel attracted to anyone. I thought for a while I just be a lesbian but then I felt that i was wrong because I've never liked a girl either.

I find more girls attractive than guys which led me to believe I was gay but who I find attractive doesn't really mean anything.

I then thought I might be demisexual which I'm still seeing maybe that's it or maybe it's just as simple as I haven't met the right person. In primary school there weren't many boys in my class and they weren't really nice to me so maybe that's why I never liked them. Now I go to an all girls school and don't know any guys. I am kinda friends with one but I don't feel anything for him at all. And I've never liked a girl at any point.

The idea of being asexual or aromantic really scares me because I want a relationship really badly with whoever I end up liking but because I've never liked anyone that leaves me at a) I'm asexual b) I'm demisexual or c) I haven't met the right person

I keep telling myself to wait and figure it out when I can date somebody because right now I am not allowed to but I just want to know.

I just want to know what sexuality I am and I know I have to figure it out for myself but if anyone actually reads this what do you think I sound like?

[tgif]

You sound a lot like me. I identify as heteroromantic asexual (I'm romantically attracted to males, but not sexually attracted to anyone). However, I've only had maybe 1 true crush in my life (I'm in my teens as well) and he goes to my school. So I almost never say this but I think it's possible you haven't met the right person yet. I'm sometimes able to identify people society finds "attractive", but that doesn't mean much to me because I always valued personality over looks. The crush I have is someone whose personality I really admire. So if you don't know many boys then maybe you just haven't met him yet? Of course, there's a possibility that maybe you're demisexual or demiromantic, too. But that's up to you to decide. :) and welcome to AVEN!

[Busrider]

There are 3 decades and gender difference between us. - Anyhow: Sexual​ orientation can't be figured out pre-romantically at the green table on your own. - File it under look and see for later. - Enjoy being in harmony with your current set of rules instead. - Life is much easier that way!

Romantic orientations:

I love the idea of being in a relationship with someone and having sex with them but I just don't feel attracted to anyone.

Why worry already now? - Give folks a chance to find their place in life and become ready to have a family with you, if needed.

Go as either "aromantic (for now)" or remain prepared to someday bump into the right person.

Although I tried the dating / being friends with girls thing as a teen, a lot of it was just dabbling. - Neither my 1st ex nor me had sexual experience before we turned 20-something...

Sure, times might have changed in between (but nobody knows if to the better) girls develop about 3 years faster than guys and my ex was catholic but still: don't overrate the sexual stuff and maybe you are missing nothing. In doubt nature programmed you to wait till you bump in a mature family ready guy of similar age.

[PurveyorOfBadPuns]

OH my goodness it's like looking at me in the past! <3 I feel for you so much! I don't really have a solution because I'm still questioning myself, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you need to talk. Message me any time!

[Rynn]

Well, if you have the desire to be in a relationship with someone and have sex with them, then at least to me, it doesn't sound like you're asexual or aromantic (I'm not ruling out the possibility, it's up to you to decide).

I don't know if you've heard of this, but there's such a thing as 'cupiosexual' and 'cupioromantic'.

These terms mean that you have a general desire to have sex/a relationship, but you never seem to be able to find a person you're attracted to.

Personally I find the 'attraction-based' definition of asexuality to be confusing, since attraction is a vague concept.

How do you know if you've ever felt it, when you don't know what it feels like? Everyone feels it differently. Some non-asexuals say they don't feel it at all.

There's also a 'desire-based' definition of asexuality that's a lot clearer. "Asexuality is a lack of desire to engage in sexual activities with another person".

So then the question you need to ask yourself is whether you have the desire. Do you want to do these things? (Based on what you wrote, I'm guessing the answer will be 'yes')

I don't know if any of that is helpful to you, but just remember that it's not at all abnormal to not have felt that kind of attraction yet. Anything can still happen. Don't worry about it :)

If I were you I'd just let things sort themselves out for now. I get that you really want to figure everything out right this instant (I'm guilty of this too), but sometimes it just requires patience.

If being asexual or aromantic would really make you that unhappy, then maybe it's just not right for you.

Labels are supposed to feel right and feel liberating. They're never supposed to hold you back.

They're tools you use to figure yourself out and to explain the way you feel to others and to yourself.

I'm trying to say that if you feel identifying as asexual and aromantic will help you figure yourself out, then by all means do so,

but if identifying as asexual and aromantic will only make you feel miserable, then don't put yourself through that.

[furaneol]

Hello.

I am a 16 year old girl who is extremely confused.

I've never had a crush on anyone in my life and it really scares me. I love the idea of being in a relationship with someone and having sex with them but I just don't feel attracted to anyone. I thought for a while I just be a lesbian but then I felt that i was wrong because I've never liked a girl either.

I find more girls attractive than guys which led me to believe I was gay but who I find attractive doesn't really mean anything.

I then thought I might be demisexual which I'm still seeing maybe that's it or maybe it's just as simple as I haven't met the right person. In primary school there weren't many boys in my class and they weren't really nice to me so maybe that's why I never liked them. Now I go to an all girls school and don't know any guys. I am kinda friends with one but I don't feel anything for him at all. And I've never liked a girl at any point.

The idea of being asexual or aromantic really scares me because I want a relationship really badly with whoever I end up liking but because I've never liked anyone that leaves me at a) I'm asexual b) I'm demisexual or c) I haven't met the right person

I keep telling myself to wait and figure it out when I can date somebody because right now I am not allowed to but I just want to know.

I just want to know what sexuality I am and I know I have to figure it out for myself but if anyone actually reads this what do you think I sound like?

Hi 16 year old girl who is extremely confused. I'm a 23 year old girl who was once confused and was kinda-ish like you 7 years ago, but didn't know anything about asexuality, and just shrugged it off until very recently.

For the first 22 years of my life, I didn't have a crush on anyone. Had I known about AVEN when I was 16, I would have instantly identified as aromantic. I didn't know what romantic attraction meant to me mostly because I didn't know how it felt like. I just thought I was never drawn to anyone in that particular way (then I turned 23, met this one guy whose personality I just clicked with, and realized instantly what a crush meant because it hit hard).

It could be very possible that you might just be demiromantic and/or demisexual. From this post (and I might be overinterpreting it), it doesn't appear that you're attracted to people's physical appearances. Sure, you might find girls more attractive than guys, but you might only be aesthetically drawn to them. However, you don't yearn a romantic/sexual relationship with them based on their looks. Maybe you just haven't find someone in which you developed a deep emotional bond with them... which is pretty much on par with being demiromantic/demisexual.

There's nothing wrong with identifying as aromantic/asexual, if you feel that way. Down the line, you may end up realizing that you don't identify with what you classified yourself with originally, and that's okay. Had I been 16 again knowing about this, I would have identified as an aromantic asexual. Now, I better identify with demiromantic asexual, having experienced my first major crush and realizing that I'm only attracted to people's secondary traits. Go with whatever you feel comfortable identifying with in the meantime and feel free to adjust this identification when you feel it's most appropriate. As Laurann said, labels are meant to be liberating, not restricting. (However, I might be opinionated towards this, but don't start changing your label frequently whenever you feel a slight change in identity... at that point, it just kinda defeats the purpose of having a label if you constantly switch between demiro to aro to whatever... find something that you most identify with at the moment.)

[Tea-Raise]

Hello again,

I just remembered that I posted on here so I came back to this post to see if anyone else had replied and I was surprised anyone had. I've thought a lot since posting this and have become comfortable with just labelling myself as gay. I've realised that that label actually makes a lot of sense considering things that have happened in the past. I've never understood my friends obsessions with male celebrities and always felt really uncomfortable and awkward when they talked about guys. I thought that it was just because I was personal about that kind of thing but I've realised that it goes deeper than that. I have had crushes on girls but I haven't realised that was what it was. I haven't had a lot so I'm still thinking I might be demisexual or something along those lines but I'll work that out when I work it out. When I think about being in a relationship with a guy it feels so wrong and uncomfortable and like someone else should live that life but not me. Even typing the word guy feels so wrong to me (in regards to a relationship). I wrote a letter about all of this to myself the other day because I wanted to document how I was feeling and when I wrote I want to be with a girl I felt like crying and I didn't even know why but it just makes sense. I'm still not 100% sure of it but I feel a lot more happy than what I did when I wrote the first post.

Anyway thank you to everyone who replied. You all helped me to figure it out a little bit more and not feel so alone. And that I wasn't making things up in my head. I've told one of my friends and she was really great about it as I knew she would be. I don't think I'm going to tell my parents yet but one day at a time. :) 

[Star Bit]

So just to make sure, you've felt the following for some girls?

Romantic attraction-   an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And others may feel it light enough (compared to the norm) that there is no clear line between crushes and wanting emotional closeness.

 

And just saying, not getting your friend's male celebrity crushes and awkward when they talk about guys has nothing to do with orientation; only wanting to have sex/romance with someone does.

Also, you say you love the concept of having sex, but do you actually desire that for yourself? That is to say, you can be a fan of romantic stories and still not desire to be in a romantic relationship yourself despite it being a nice thing in your eyes. Many women are fans of gay love stories or erotica but dont actually desire that for themselves. But you do desire sex? For sexual or emotional pleasure? If so that's not asexual. If you've never made out/had foreplay (perhaps specifically with someone you're attracted to or trust) you may end up having responsive sexual desire like most women and a minority of men do.

And correct; who one finds attractive does not reflect sexual or romantic orientation. Demisexual strictly means you desire sex after an unusual amount of time; it has no effect on romantic orientation, so if you meant it romantically that would be demiromantic. But yes, there is the plausibility of someone being demiromantic if they've never been close to many people. Not having many male friends can certainly impair the realization of your orientation going toward men. But you are 16 and romantic orientation doesnt really have a blossoming date; it can happen at almost any age, so it could change.