I think I got dumped because I am asexual

[Komiyan]

Hello all,

If this does not belong in this topic, please do let me know. I thought it would since it pertains to a relationship, but I am not 100% sure. If it is ok, then please give this a read and share with me any advice you might have <3

So I have been together with my ex for five and a half years, and for the past three and a half years we have had an open relationship. This started after my girlfriend cheated on me a long time ago, and I found I didn't mind it so much as I minded that she didn't tell me that she needed sex that much in her life. We had many good and long talks about it, and decided that it would be good this way - if she wanted sex with someone else, that was fine. Our relationship was strong enough to survive that. We had clear-cut agreements to make it work, too. We would talk about everything, and if either one of us was uncomfortable with a step being taken it would stop immediately. This too we discussed and re-evaluated multiple times over the years, and we kept on agreeing on this. The last time we reiterated this was about six weeks ago.

But three weeks ago she started flirting with a woman she met a few times in a pub. This woman is 19 years older than she is, and moved in very quickly even though she herself had a relationship at the time (which she broke off last week). My ex told me excitedly about all the great sex she was having with this woman, and I was happy for her, though the speed at which this woman moved in on her was making me very nervous indeed. The woman asked her if she could call my ex her girlfriend after a little over two weeks, and she said yes immediately, later retracting this because she then talked to me about it and I told her I was very very uncomfortable with that. Then today, a few days after that fiasco, she got online, first told me how happy she was spending so much time with this woman, then called me and told me 'we'd be better off as friends'.

In short, I think I got dumped because this other person can give her what she is missing, which basically accumulates to 'because I am ace'. I am simultaneously angry at my ex for this (especially because she denied it when I asked, but I am not sure I can believe that on top of the other lies I've been told the past few weeks) and angry and upset with myself. I really thought it was possible, to have a relationship in which only one person is ace, but it seems that I have been proven catastrophically wrong. It really seems like I've been dropped like a stone because I couldn't have sex with her, and that really really hurts.

Anyone else who has this kind of experience? What did you tell yourself to make yourself believe it is still OK to be ace even if it loses you people? Sorry if this sounds dramatic, but that is what I am really struggling with right now. I don't want to hate being ace, most of the time I am quite fine with it, but at the moment I really feel the classic 'I'm a piece of broken furniture' sentiment, and I am not sure how to deal with it. Any tips are welcomed with open arms.

[aceghost]

My situation was on a different time scale, but the exact same thing happened... I didn't have the word for "asexuality" but I always knew something was "wrong" with me that way, I suggested opening our relationship to try and get her needs met, and within weeks of meeting the new girl she saw our relationship a purely platonic one, and that was that.

So the *first* thing I have to tell you is that I am so, SO incredibly sorry that this happened to you, since it is one of the most soul-crushing things you can possibly go through... To fundamentally believe you have a relationship that is strong enough to stand the test of time, with someone built on mutual love, trust, and respect, only to find ... Not so much. :( It *really* fucked with me (and frankly still does a non-trivial amount of the time), and I'm sure it's fucking with you too. If you ever want to talk, please reach out in PM.

Some other things:

1) This new relationship is stil *very* fresh. Are you absolutely positive she's not just having a particularly strong bout of "new relationship energy" phase? I don't want to get your hopes up unnecessarily, but you two have worked through some really tough stuff before with the cheating... So figured I would ask the question.

2) Assuming it's the real deal though, and she's making her choice, here are some things I wish someone had told me back then:

- Those moments of your relationship that meant a lot to you... When you were down and she helped you up, when you shared a laugh together, when she played with your hair, whatever moments they were... All of those were genuine and are not negated by her current actions. I spent a lot of time festering and wondering how much of my relationship was a lie, and the answer is that none of it was. It just changed. Abruptly.

- Since you were together for quite awhile, you may have a long list of "triggers" (anniversaries, meaningful places you went together, etc.). Try and make it your life's mission to reframe those dates and those places around just *you*. For example, there's a theatre downtown where we saw a really meaningful documentary. Now I regularly go there to watch comedy instead.

- if you need help, don't be scared to ask for it. You'll probably find you're surrounded by people who've also dealt with tough situations and would love to lend an ear/shoulder/etc.

- It's natural to start reaching conclusions like you'll never find love after something like this happens. But there are lots of aces who *do* find love, be it wth other aces, or in polyamorous relationships, or even the odd "mixed" (sexual + asexual) relationship with the right person. Don't give up. (I'm still working on this one :D).

- At the end of the day, as much as this whole situation sucks, it would suck *way* more to be in a relationship with someone who isn't as committed to it as you are, and is going through the motions so as not to hurt your feelings, or out of guilt, or whatever. So take this as an opportunity to spend some time really thinking about what love means to you and define what *you* want in a relationship going forward, so when that right person comes along, you will know it. :)

I'm really sorry if all of that sounds trite and/or silly... I just really feel for you and hope something in there resonates somehow. :( *HUGS* once again...

[Star Bit]

Yah, this can happen with open relationships. Asexual and sexual mixed relationships also often don't work out. There are a ton of aces who've been in similar situations as you. But you're not the only one who has a hard time finding a partner; gays, fetishists, aromantic sexuals, and even straight people also do (some of which suffice for a same gender relationship because they can't find someone compatible; as some gay people also do). Eventhough this video doesn't mention asexuality it is very applicable to us. "We as gay people have to go to gay-themed events [to find a partner]; gay bars, gay clubs, whereas a straight person could even just go to the grocery store and find someone." There are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexual people are ok with a sexless relationship.

[dissolved]

In short, I think I got dumped because this other person can give her what she is missing, which basically accumulates to 'because I am ace'. I am simultaneously angry at my ex for this (especially because she denied it when I asked, but I am not sure I can believe that on top of the other lies I've been told the past few weeks) and angry and upset with myself. I really thought it was possible, to have a relationship in which only one person is ace, but it seems that I have been proven catastrophically wrong. It really seems like I've been dropped like a stone because I couldn't have sex with her, and that really really hurts.

Don't think of it like this. Think of it just as any other incompatibility. Yeah, it sucks, but people are incompatible for all sorts of reasons, and for you folks it just so happens to be sex.

It's really easy for someone to say "yeah I'm not that fussed about sex", but when actually faced with a relationship (no matter how amazing it is in every other aspect) without sex vs. one with sex... well, that's when the reality of it actually hits them. They're either going to be absolutely fine with no sex (unusual, I'm guessing) or they're going to realise it's just not possible to be celibate for someone else, because that's effectively what she was trying to do for you.

You ultimately need to do what's best for yourself, just as your ex needs to do what's best for her - and in this case, she wants sex in her life and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. People are ultimately responsible for themselves and their own happiness. You (general you, not specific you) can't stand in the way other other peoples' happiness, just as it's wrong to stand in the way of theirs.

[Tarfeather]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

[Guest]

I am sorry. It sucks when an incompatibility comes between you. But, it sounds like they probably fell in love and that is a risk with open but not polyamorous situations (and it sounds like they both want monogamy). Even sexual/sexual relationships can fall victim to it.

[Komiyan]

Aceghost, thank you very much for your insightful and friendly reaction! Makes me feel a little better. I have gone through breakups before, but never one from a relationship this long, and only once before has it been this sudden. I know it'll be okay eventually, I just feel really bad about it right at this time. The worst thing is that it went well for so long - I stopped forcing myself to have sex and talked to her about it, and when she indicated that she needed more sex in her life and we talked about this as well the open relationship went well for at least three years, so I really thought it would be fine this way.

Starbit, thanks for your reply. I know it is hard, but since it worked for so long I just didn't expect this to happen anymore. And I know there are meetups, but I fear there won't be that many where I currently live :S

Dissolved, I am slightly confused by your reply. Since we were in an open relationship, my ex got all the sex she wanted with other people than me, and until this person came around both she and I were always satisfied with that (and we talked about this regularly, so unless she lied to me for years I have no reason to suspect it has been otherwise). I have not asked her to be celibate for me, and we talked extensively about how our relationship should go along when I figured out what my hangup was with sex. Perhaps you misread my original post a little ;) And while I do agree with you that a relationship out of pity is no relationship at all, I would have preferred it to end somewhat differently. Thanks for offering your opinion though!

Tarfeather, the issue with being friends is that I still love her, and that we had until one week ago been envisioning our future together, and that I can't just cast all of that aside in the blink of an eye. Not having sex does not mean that your relationship is 'just' friendship, at least in my eyes. What is also the issue is the exact way in which she broke up with me, which I am still angry about. At this point in time she can go stuff it for all I care.

[Komiyan]

Serran, thanks for your reaction. (saw it just after I posted the other reply). My problem is partially in the fact that it happened so quickly, and also the fact that the lady in question has uttered some very manipulative language, and within three weeks of flirting has already bought my ex two pieces of jewelry. That is what scared me about it from the beginning - if it had been a bit less creepy and hasty, I think I wouldn't have been so upset. But all I heard for three weeks is that they'd been having such fantastic sex, and then BLAM dumped. Hence my reasoning.

[Guest]

*nods* Some people move very quickly, especially people at the new woman's age, because many people after a certain age are just looking to "settle down". And if that is her goal, you are a threat, so trying to entice your ex into seeing how good it is with her and how you two should just be friends would be the game. Unfortunately. Hopefully that's the only game and your ex will be happy, rather than end up in a toxic situation, as she doesn't know this person very well. But, that's her choice. All that is left for you is to heal from the breakup and hopefully find someone new when you're ready. :)

[Komiyan]

She's moving way too fast, if this was not my ex but just my friend I would also be very suspicious. I also hope she's not as toxic as I'm guessing based on what I know of her, but I'm very scared that she might be. I just hope that my ex can get away in time if that ends up being the case.

Don't think I'll be finding anyone else in a hurry. I feel like I'm spinning on my feet at the moment xD

[indigorose]

She's moving way too fast, if this was not my ex but just my friend I would also be very suspicious. I also hope she's not as toxic as I'm guessing based on what I know of her, but I'm very scared that she might be. I just hope that my ex can get away in time if that ends up being the case.

Don't think I'll be finding anyone else in a hurry. I feel like I'm spinning on my feet at the moment xD

Yeah sorry this happened to you, but when it sounds too good to be true it usually is! Usually when a new relationship is rushed, that's a warning sign.

[dissolved]

Dissolved, I am slightly confused by your reply. Since we were in an open relationship, my ex got all the sex she wanted with other people than me, and until this person came around both she and I were always satisfied with that (and we talked about this regularly, so unless she lied to me for years I have no reason to suspect it has been otherwise). I have not asked her to be celibate for me, and we talked extensively about how our relationship should go along when I figured out what my hangup was with sex. Perhaps you misread my original post a little ;) And while I do agree with you that a relationship out of pity is no relationship at all, I would have preferred it to end somewhat differently. Thanks for offering your opinion though!

I didn't misread anything.

You complained that she's effectively left you for someone else because you couldn't provide one of the things she wanted, and in discovering that she realised she didn't want to be in an open relationship with you.

[Midnight Star]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

When people say "let's just be friends" they never mean it. At least not in America. In Japan, where our OP is, I think it's safe to say that it's a BS line there line too.

[Guest]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

When people say "let's just be friends" they never mean it. At least not in America. In Japan, where our OP is, I think it's safe to say that it's a BS line there line too.

Mmm, I mean it. I'm still friends with several of my exes. Though, I admit, it's rather rare. And the relationships don't share the same level of intimacy that they had when they were romantic, either.

[Komiyan]

Actually, my ex is in the Netherlands, I'm originally from there too. I just live here for my studies at the moment ;) Having said that, Midnight star, I think she might actually have meant it in this case. The problem here is that I am not okay with that right now.

And dissolved, yes, I am complaining about that, because constantly being told that this does not bother her one bit and then discovering that it might have after all hurts. Being lied to hurts. And being ditched in a way that makes it seem like it might very well be because I'm ace also really hurts, and makes me doubt myself, which I thought I just got over. I believe it is fine to be upset about these things and ask for advice on how to stop being upset about them, but that might just be me. If you are just here to be harsh or give me a 'reality check' of some kind, please just stop and go away. I know what happened, I don't need someone to rephrase it for me.

Indigorose, it does ring all my warning bells, and I told her this several times before she dumped me, but she didn't want to listen. At this moment it is very much out of my hands - I just hope it ends well.

[Komiyan]

Also I have a talent for forgetting posts. Serran, I am also friends with some of my exes, so I definitely think it is possible. Just not always straight after the point of breaking up.

[Tarfeather]

Well, to be honest, having experienced what I have with C., either most "friendships" I've experienced in my life, weren't really friendships, or I need an entirely new word for "non-romantic friend who's just as intimate and close as a romantic partner would be". I've been talking to her about breaking up recently, and her reaction honestly just was "It wouldn't change our friendship", and yup, that's true. Except it's probably incomprehensible to most people that we could have a relationship that's just as committed and close as any romantic one, yet it's almost entirely platonic.

[aceghost]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

Friend, or even "queerplatonic partner," is a significant downgrade from "life partner." I have lots of friends, some of them very close friends. I don't share my innermost vulnerable thoughts/feelings with them, I don't have and raise children with them, I don't share my finances with them, I don't feel a desire to hold/kiss them and be held/kissed by them, etc. And having romantic feelings towards someone when they don't feel the same way about you, and worse are expressing those same feelings you have very explicitly for someone else right in front of you, is just a recipe for heartache.

And dissolved, yes, I am complaining about that, because constantly being told that this does not bother her one bit and then discovering that it might have after all hurts. Being lied to hurts. And being ditched in a way that makes it seem like it might very well be because I'm ace also really hurts, and makes me doubt myself, which I thought I just got over.

.I don't know if this helps at all with the hurt you very justifiably feel, but it's at least possible that she was not lying to you. That instead, she was giving you the most accurate information she had available at each of the times you had these conversations. It's possible that the other relationships she was in before this one as part of your open relationship agreement were not "game changing" for her, but that this one, for whatever reason, is. And that the change has more to do with the chemistry between her and this other person, than it does about you or your aceness. That she realizes this fundamental change, and she's trying to let you down quick because she doesn't want to draw it out, give you false hope, and hurt you even worse.

It sounds like it's worth a conversation with her, at least, if you can muster it. Because sitting on the idea that someone you cared an immense about lied directly to your face for some untold period of your relationship and leave you questioning everything about yourself is a cancer that can eat away your soul. (Speaking from experience.)

[Tarfeather]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

Friend, or even "queerplatonic partner," is a significant downgrade from "life partner." I have lots of friends, some of them very close friends. I don't share my innermost vulnerable thoughts/feelings with them, I don't have and raise children with them, I don't share my finances with them, I don't feel a desire to hold/kiss them and be held/kissed by them, etc. And having romantic feelings towards someone when they don't feel the same way about you, and worse are expressing those same feelings you have very explicitly for someone else right in front of you, is just a recipe for heartache.

But none of these things you mentioned are exclusive to a romantic relationship. I do all these things with C., who I have no romantic relationship with.

[Sally]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

Friend, or even "queerplatonic partner," is a significant downgrade from "life partner." I have lots of friends, some of them very close friends. I don't share my innermost vulnerable thoughts/feelings with them, I don't have and raise children with them, I don't share my finances with them, I don't feel a desire to hold/kiss them and be held/kissed by them, etc. And having romantic feelings towards someone when they don't feel the same way about you, and worse are expressing those same feelings you have very explicitly for someone else right in front of you, is just a recipe for heartache.

But none of these things you mentioned are exclusive to a romantic relationship. I do all these things with C., who I have no romantic relationship with.

But the OP did have a romantic relationship with her ex. The "things" aren't the issue; the romantic feeling is.

[Midnight Star]

What's the issue with being friends, if I may ask? Or more to the point, what practical difference will it make?

When people say "let's just be friends" they never mean it. At least not in America. In Japan, where our OP is, I think it's safe to say that it's a BS line there line too.

Mmm, I mean it. I'm still friends with several of my exes. Though, I admit, it's rather rare. And the relationships don't share the same level of intimacy that they had when they were romantic, either.

I don't literally mean never. I'm generalizing. I don't have time to go over every exception with a fine tooth comb when I am talking about an entire nation's social behavior.

[Telecaster68]

"I don't have time to go over every exception with a fine tooth comb"

But.... but.... but.... this is AVEN! That's what AVEN *does*.

[Sally]

Komiyan, you got dumped for the same reason that everyone -- asexual or sexual -- gets dumped: your former partner had a change of heart. There's no predicting that and there's no way to prevent it.

[indigorose]

Komiyan, you got dumped for the same reason that everyone -- asexual or sexual -- gets dumped: your former partner had a change of heart. There's no predicting that and there's no way to prevent it.

Yes but it is a little bit less straight forward, because he got dumped and she jumped straight into a relationship with someone else. Although this does happen, usually when a couple break-up there is a bit of time to grieve before you hear the person has moved on. The person moved on before they even broke-up and I suspect because they had an "open relationship" the OP probably assumed that if there were any "relationship issues" his partner would have talked to him about it beforehand.

[Komiyan]

Sally, you may be right, but there are ways to do things like that, and first telling me in explicit detail how much she likes being with this other person and then dumping me straight after via facebook is not really the right way. And publicly announcing the new relationship two days afterwards isn't very nice either.

Indogorose, I did indeed assume that, because in every case before this one it has been that way.

[Éadweard]

People get dumped for various reasons. It hurts no matter the reason but it comes down to the fact no one can force anyone to stay with someone.