Asexual Women Musings

[colossalpenguins]

My mum has never pressured me for grandkids, fortunately my sister has that covered as she's adamant that she'll have kids at some point and absolutely loves them.

One of my best friends back home likes to pester all the rest of us about when she'll be getting grandchildren because she's weird and ridiculous like that. Within that group of friends no one really seems to want to have kids but, at the same time, they've all agreed that if at any point any of them do have kids I'll be the sensible aunt that their kids go to when they need actual help with something because I seem to know how to do stuff and logic my way through difficult situations. So one way or another I'll end up being an aunt!

[hm76]

The whole grandchildren issue has been one of many, including men, dressing up and interests/hobbies that me and my mother just have very different opinions on. She is straight, has been married for 40 years and has always fancied guys - we'll be watching the TV and she'll make comments as to who is particularly fit whereas aside from having an on/off romantic friendship I've always been single. A few years ago I realized how different we were in some respects as personally if I'd raised 3 kids and finally they'd all left home I would probably love the new freedom and would happily fill my time with one hobby after another. She felt as if her life was empty and the grandchildren comments started to get more and more frequent. In some ways I felt sorry for her as she must have been desperate asking me given how little interest I'd shown and my lack of relationships! Part of the issue was both of my sisters now live in Oz and one has kids but doesn't want my Mum having that much to do with them. Eventually we had an hour long discussion on the issue and I told her that 1 - I wasn't in the right place in life to have kids. 2 - Didn't have any desire to have kids and 3 - Just could not imagine teaching kids full time and then coming home to look after more kids in the evening. Her comment to this was, 'but it'll be different when they're your own.' My response - perhaps, but what if that's not the case! She still sometimes makes the odd comment but aside from that seems to have got the message... I sometimes joke that I like having a cat, it's independent, does what it wants most of the time and if it gets annoying it can always go outside, uncaring but true! Thanks for the messages - it's great to read the views of like minded people, nearly everyone in my life is in a relationship or has kids and it's nice to hear other points of view. 

[Shadow007]

Hi,

It's been great to be able to read about the experiences shared in this thread, because it made me feel more like a whole person. I can't remember the exact thought that got me into looking up the LGBT+ community again a few days ago, but the one thing that bugged me was the overly generic meaning the LGBTQIA community website gave for Aces in their glossary. I thought "well, this is unhelpful, how does that properly explain anything?" It was only when I looked into the community forums that any of it made any sense. This has been the last site I've checked out since then, and it's been the most helpful to me so far.

I'd suspected for a long while that I might be somewhere on the ace spectrum, although I'd originally thought I was demi - but reading all of the experiences on here from all of you lovely people, I think ace fits me far better. The revelation gave me a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long while, and I have to admit that I smiled several times while I went through this thread - so thank you, all of you, for that.

I actually decided to bring it up with my sister this afternoon and we had a very long and open discussion on the subject. She's always been the most open of my family and that talk gave me the confidence to tell my grandma and my brother, too. So far the reactions have been good (like, really positive and accepting), so today is ending on a fairly high note.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I love your avatar @colossalpenguins!!

Rabbie Burns is the man!

[colossalpenguins]

On 05/11/2017 at 8:46 PM, chandrakirti said:

I love your avatar @colossalpenguins!!

Rabbie Burns is the man!

Thanks! I found it when I was looking for a good picture to advertise a Burns' night supper we do here every year I didn't actually use it for the event but liked it enough that I kept it and now occasionally just send it to random friends because I can.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

[ZLOVE]

Thank you for starting this discussion.  I have been asexual all my life, but my mother kept trying to sexualize me as a teenager.  A traumatic experience for me was my prom because she chose everything, and I even picked the guy because he was her type.  The dress she chose for me was something you would have seen on Aphrodite in images of her, except that it was aqua green.  Ugh.  She was worried that I was a lesbian, but I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to women either.  When I was 21, trying to figure out why I never had a boyfriend, I hooked up with a guy working at my gym where I worked too.  He wined and dined me, and then we had sex, and it was interesting to me.  I wasn't trying to find that again.  I even lived in Paris, and managed to fall in love and not have sex, and I was in heaven. After my mother died, I wanted to get married to have someone to love, and I did.  We have two children, but I left that relationship because I fell in love with someone else with whom I didn't want to have sex, but who loved me, too.  I had no idea that I was asexual until 2012 when I discovered AVEN.  However, I had trouble believing it, mainly because my best friend didn't believe it, and she thought there was something wrong with me.  Having had a slew of trysts, looking for love in all the wrong places, I finally stopped, because a voice in my head said, "I don't want this anymore."  I finally became tired of trying to please others. Recently for National Coming Out Day, one of the students in my school came out as asexual.  I was so happy.  I realized this was a community in which I could be myself.  Yesterday, I sought the student, gave her a flyer about general information on asexuality, and told her that I was asexual, too, and I wanted to support her.  Although I am heteroromantic, I am entirely content in being in relationships with my family and friends.  It's nice to be in a space where I can share my experiences.  I've come out to a few colleagues, and I finally feel like I can be my true self. 

[The Gnat (Natalie)]

5 hours ago, ZLOVE said:

Thank you for starting this discussion.  I have been asexual all my life, but my mother kept trying to sexualize me as a teenager.  A traumatic experience for me was my prom because she chose everything, and I even picked the guy because he was her type.  The dress she chose for me was something you would have seen on Aphrodite in images of her, except that it was aqua green.  Ugh.  She was worried that I was a lesbian, but I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to women either.  When I was 21, trying to figure out why I never had a boyfriend, I hooked up with a guy working at my gym where I worked too.  He wined and dined me, and then we had sex, and it was interesting to me.  I wasn't trying to find that again.  I even lived in Paris, and managed to fall in love and not have sex, and I was in heaven. After my mother died, I wanted to get married to have someone to love, and I did.  We have two children, but I left that relationship because I fell in love with someone else with whom I didn't want to have sex, but who loved me, too.  I had no idea that I was asexual until 2012 when I discovered AVEN.  However, I had trouble believing it, mainly because my best friend didn't believe it, and she thought there was something wrong with me.  Having had a slew of trysts, looking for love in all the wrong places, I finally stopped, because a voice in my head said, "I don't want this anymore."  I finally became tired of trying to please others. Recently for National Coming Out Day, one of the students in my school came out as asexual.  I was so happy.  I realized this was a community in which I could be myself.  Yesterday, I sought the student, gave her a flyer about general information on asexuality, and told her that I was asexual, too, and I wanted to support her.  Although I am heteroromantic, I am entirely content in being in relationships with my family and friends.  It's nice to be in a space where I can share my experiences.  I've come out to a few colleagues, and I finally feel like I can be my true self. 

Welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you've found a home here. (I just recently have, too.) I completely related to the idea of finally feeling like I can be myself now. And congrats on starting to come out to people, too. Your profile pic is really pretty, btw!   

[Snao Cone]

Welcome, @ZLOVE! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I've heard many stories in various places (not just from asexuals) about parents basically priming their kids for a very sexualized adulthood, like that's part of their purpose. It's often a sad story. Even sexual people can feel rushed or judged. I think parenting should be more about helping one's children find their best selves, rather than shaping them into a mold. Imagine all the time we could've saved if we never worried about whether we're "normal" or "healthy" with our lack of wanting sex.

[Setsu_mei]

I'm so glad I found this community. I read through several threads with all your stories - and it made me feel better.

For a long time I haven't known what I was and how I thought about sexuality. It never really interested me, I found it gross. But as a child I never really needed to deal with it because I was not concerned. Then puberty came and all of a sudden this was the center of almost everything. And I felt bad because I still thought it was disgusting. Then as time went by I got to know more about it, and I became utterly disgusted by it. If I imagined myself needing to have sex with anyone I was sick to my gut. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned every approach down in fear of having to go further with it once I accepted it. I even dressed boy-like for a long time so no one would approach me for that. I didn't want to be fancied by boys. 

And then on the other hand I had crushes on guys, later also girls. And it confused me so much. I didn't know asexuality was a thing when I was smaller (heck I discovered it like 3-4 months ago), and seriously thought something was wrong with me and felt bad about having crushes on someone when I didn't want to be involved with them. Later I reconsidered all this as liking the person's personility or just physical traits if I did not know them because they were nice looking people to me. But it still confused me and my childhood especially in high school was not easy. Also when my parents always bring up the topic of a boyfriend I feel so uneasy because I'm sure they would not understand this and I just avoid this as much as I can. I also feel disgusted and sick when they imply I have sex. 

It gave me so much strength when I realized there are other people out there who experience the same thing. It made me feel I'm not alone and not broken somehow.

In the past few years I began to dress and act more feminine not because I want to make people look at me in a sexual way but because I feel better this way. But obviously this all resulted in unsolicited approaches which again make me sick. Like tonight a person I barely know asked me out and I was grossed out by the idea that he might like me that way and see me in a sexual way I just wanted to scream at him to stop and go away and I never wanna see him ever again. Is this normal? It makes me so uncomfortable, especially that I don't fancy him at all.

I'm also confused about my crushes I have constantly. The sole fact that I have them. And I'm not attracted sexually, but physically as in I like their face, and/or personality. I would like to befriend them, be with them, do friend things with them, even cuddle and hug. But no sex. I sometimes want their attention like this, not any other way. It's just so confusing to me. To come to term with this. Coming to terms with not having sex is not a problem, I would rather pluck my eyes out. But coming to terms with craving physical attention like hugs and cuddles and kisses on ONLY cheeks is what confuses me the most. Why do I want that if I don't want sex? 

[LadyLor]

2 hours ago, Setsu_mei said:

Like tonight a person I barely know asked me out and I was grossed out by the idea that he might like me that way and see me in a sexual way I just wanted to scream at him to stop and go away and I never wanna see him ever again. Is this normal? It makes me so uncomfortable, especially that I don't fancy him at all.

I'm also confused about my crushes I have constantly. The sole fact that I have them. And I'm not attracted sexually, but physically as in I like their face, and/or personality. I would like to befriend them, be with them, do friend things with them, even cuddle and hug. But no sex. I sometimes want their attention like this, not any other way. It's just so confusing to me. To come to term with this. Coming to terms with not having sex is not a problem, I would rather pluck my eyes out. But coming to terms with craving physical attention like hugs and cuddles and kisses on ONLY cheeks is what confuses me the most. Why do I want that if I don't want sex? 

6

I completely understand the feelings you are having, and have many similar feelings. I get really nervous if men are paying me really close attention to me, especially since I'm very unsure when the attention is platonic or romantic. I don't really have a solution other than being brutally honest about what you are expecting from people. In what happened tonight I would probably just say "Thanks, but no thanks dude.". When I worked as a cashier at McD's I found a lot of male customer's would look at me in a way that suggested interest, and in that situation, I basically reminded them of their place by calling them "sir" or laughing off any compliments they gave me.

I wish I could offer advice about the physical contact thing, but I haven't found an easy or even workable solution to explain to a potential partner about the need for physical contact without sex, because I haven't dated much yet.

[Setsu_mei]

16 hours ago, LadyLor said:

I completely understand the feelings you are having, and have many similar feelings. I get really nervous if men are paying me really close attention to me, especially since I'm very unsure when the attention is platonic or romantic. I don't really have a solution other than being brutally honest about what you are expecting from people. In what happened tonight I would probably just say "Thanks, but no thanks dude.". When I worked as a cashier at McD's I found a lot of male customer's would look at me in a way that suggested interest, and in that situation, I basically reminded them of their place by calling them "sir" or laughing off any compliments they gave me.

I wish I could offer advice about the physical contact thing, but I haven't found an easy or even workable solution to explain to a potential partner about the need for physical contact without sex, because I haven't dated much yet.

Some people think that everyone likes these kind of compliments. Maybe their intention is not wrong, but to whom they address it is wrong in my case. They couldn't know, and I'm not required to glue it on my forehead so everyone knows. It is just disturbing to me that this is basically the center of society's thinking. 

And that is why I don't really have guy friends and is difficult for me to have any. Because I can never be sure when they'll make a move on and ruin it and make me uncomfortable. I just can't keep in touch with them after that because I know what they think.

I told this guy straight that my answer is a big fat no, but he still keeps texting me and expecting go on like nothing happened. As of now, I just ignore it. But I don't want to talk to him at all.

[Hermit Advocate]

On 11/11/2017 at 9:29 PM, LadyLor said:

When I worked as a cashier at McD's I found a lot of male customer's would look at me in a way that suggested interest, and in that situation, I basically reminded them of their place by calling them "sir" or laughing off any compliments they gave me.

Reason # 487239 to dislike working in retail. 

[borkfork]

I used to wear a fake engagement ring when I worked in retail.

[Snao Cone]

It's sad how that's so useful.

[butterflydreams]

8 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

It's sad how that's so useful.

I get that it’s annoying, but I’m kind of the opposite end of the spectrum. Nobody ever hits on me. If I knew what about me was so repellant, I’d bottle it and give it to you all free of charge.

[Hermit Advocate]

I thought about buying myself a fake engagement ring, but I guess I emit enough of a "leave me the fuck alone" vibe enough of the time that I haven't had enough experiences to warrant me using one.

 

@butterflydreams I'll take some of that repellent perfume whenever you crack the formula. 

[butterflydreams]

1 hour ago, Hey you in the corner said:

@butterflydreams I'll take some of that repellent perfume whenever you crack the formula. 

Maybe I have a RBF and don't even know it.  

 

@Snao Cone, help me out here, you've seen a picture, right?  

[Visenya]

3 hours ago, Hey you in the corner said:

[...] I guess I emit enough of a "leave me the fuck alone" vibe enough of the time that I haven't had enough experiences to warrant me using one.

I don't blame men's lack of interest in me solely on that, but I can relate to the bolder part. Some of my friends have mentioned that I give a "I'm not interested/don't touch me!" kind of vibe.  Maybe that's why nowadays men only hit on me on Facebook, instead of doing it face to face (or maybe those guys were just shy). However, I worry that people I want to be friends with might think I dislike them or that I'm bored/bothered by their presence. I don't want to repel potential friends. =/

[Snao Cone]

3 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Maybe I have a RBF and don't even know it.  

 

@Snao Cone, help me out here, you've seen a picture, right?  

I don't think you have a RBF, but it's been a while since I've seen a pic of you. From what I recall, you had more of a RSTYF - a resting smarter-than-you face. Guys could be intimidated by how much more than them you already know.

[butterflydreams]

9 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I don't think you have a RBF, but it's been a while since I've seen a pic of you. From what I recall, you had more of a RSTYF - a resting smarter-than-you face. Guys could be intimidated by how much more than them you already know.

Hahaha, I’m genetically predisposed to RBF, but I think you’re right, I don’t think I have it. I like the idea of RSTYF though. I probably do have that.  

[butterflydreams]

I don’t know where else to ask this, but I was recently in a situation with lots of other women IRL where the notion of being celibate for just a year was met with “oh wow, good for you, so brave, I couldn’t do that, etc” from the women there. I have to be honest, going into my 29th consecutive year of non-stop celibacy, I can’t help but feel like a bit of a freak. Are people really that naturally sexual? Would they really be that upset going without it for that long?

 

My friends told me I’m not a freak, but I really feel like one. I don’t want to be celibate, but nobody has ever wanted to be with me, and my gender issues make it so tough.  

[SaturnOOO]

3 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Are people really that naturally sexual? Would they really be that upset going without it for that long?

I mean, I'm sure many aces would love to know the same thing. I've been on that end of similar conversations, as have likely many people here given what forum we're on. It is a bit of a confusing thing because I personally can't conceptualize what it means to "need" sex, but it seems that, yes, for a critical mass of people, being so naturally sexual that it would be upsetting to go without it is the case. I just have no idea how big that critical mass is. Are a lot of people like that? Sure. Is everyone? Is it you and then the rest of the world? Obviously not. I hate to bring up the "spectrum" that's discussed ad nauseum here, but I mean... That's what it is, right? I'm sure many sexual women could easily go a year without sex, and many couldn't. Maybe it's just less common for groups of women to get together and talk about how ambivalent they are about sex  

[borkfork]

I've been in the position to be watching a movie or TV show and had to ask "Six months without sex, is that really a thing? Like a deprivation thing?" Some people say yes, some say no, some say it depends.

 

This is for single people, of course. I get why it would be an issue for couples. 

[butterflydreams]

I guess you’re right, there’s probably a spectrum of these things. I think I’m developing some kind of complex being so old and totally untouched by anyone. Sex itself, I have a complicated relationship with, I’ll grant myself that. And obviously a year seems like a paltry amount of time to me. Even if I were married...hugs and kisses and cuddling are all still on the table, right? Then what’s the problem? Clearly that’s not a normal line of thinking for most people. *sigh* I struggle tremendously with not linking my self worth to the fact that nobody has wanted me. Tremendously.  

[SaturnOOO]

6 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

hugs and kisses and cuddling are all still on the table, right? Then what’s the problem? Clearly that’s not a normal line of thinking for most people.

It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I realized that most people desire sex for reasons other than just to orgasm. I didn't know why someone would spend time looking for a partner if they could just masturbate and achieve the same end so I figured some women just weren't able to masturbate effectively (like they needed a certain position with their partner to climax or something.) Likewise with the hugs and kisses and such... I think most sexual couples would consider sex an important and integral part of the relationship so you couldn't just substitute it for other forms of physical affection because not having sex would be indicative of something wrong on a deeper level. So you'd definitely have to find someone else who was on the same page with regard to sex not being an important part of partnering with someone romantically.

[butterflydreams]

17 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

Likewise with the hugs and kisses and such... I think most sexual couples would consider sex an important and integral part of the relationship so you couldn't just substitute it for other forms of physical affection because not having sex would be indicative of something wrong on a deeper level. So you'd definitely have to find someone else who was on the same page with regard to sex not being an important part of partnering with someone romantically.

This is so interesting to me. Like, I get that sex is important to some degree, maybe I'd even like it and enjoy participating in it. But I do feel like it could be substituted with other things if you had to. I probably wouldn't be saying any of this stuff if I were cis though. I guess because of dysphoria I have to be more clever about it and what I can do. What I wouldn't do for some hugs and kisses and cuddling though...if being deprived of that is how people feel being deprived of sex, I get it.

[SaturnOOO]

Like if you were cis you suspect you'd be just your basic sexual gal?

[butterflydreams]

1 hour ago, SaturnOOO said:

Like if you were cis you suspect you'd be just your basic sexual gal?

Yes, 100%.

[tunasupreme]

I've been told that I do have RBF. I also seem to attract older creeps. NOT fun.