My Story

[Cedulet]

I'm using this forum to for the first time in life talk openly about my sexuality and sexual experiences

little background:

i'm a male (33) living in south america, computer engineer, currently work at the inventory department of a drugstore chain and make good money, still live with my parents, 2 sisters and 2 nephews; i'm kind of a nerd, i spend most of my free time on my computer, playing games, watching anime and porn; until highschool i used to have a few good friends, the kind you you had a great time during school time but hardly ever meet after school, same at university, never made any long lasting friendships or relationships, always referred as the smart but kind of antisocial guy in the room

i'm a straight guy that has fell in love many times but because of shyness and lack of social skills never had the balls to do anything about it

back in my teens all i could think was sex, i really wanted to have sex, i could fall in love with many girls at the same time and have sexual desires and fantasized with all of them, i could get a peak of classmate's upskirt and go home to masturbate 3-4 times in a row to that memory, but the idea of actually doing the real thing always felt out of my reach

by the time i was 19 and got my first job at a drugstore, for some reason my social skills seemed better suited for a workplace enviroment than school, i could start to talk to girls i liked, but during conversation any kind of sexual innuendo would make me turn red like a tomato, then gils started to pick on me to make me blush; 3 months in, i one day found 2 coworkers having sex in the bathroom but they didn't notice me, new fap material; a month after that a new girl started working with us, she was cute and seemed to like me, we were flirting in a shy way for 2 months, i really enjoyed that, until one day at a christmas party for employees at the store she was a little drunk and whispered to my ear "come and join me in the bathroom in 5 minutes" and simply froze as she walked to the bathroom, then i started to have a panic attack to the point people started to ask me if i was feeling ok because my face was pale, i quickly left the party and went home, luckily i had the next 2 days off

i just could not understand what had happened to me, never had a panick attack ever before, and the more a i kept thinking about all the what if variables i could not see myself going in that bathroom and have sex; next monday i went back to work thinking how to avoid that subject, she never said or ask anything but her attitude towards me totally changed, and never talked to anyone about it

few months later a friend/coworker well known for dating lots of girls made me confess i was still virgin, i thought he would just laugh at me and leave it alone, he didn't laugh but instead he offered to take me to a few bars where you could meet girls he insisted there was no pressure, just a tour, so i went along

we went to a bar, drank 2 beers checked out the place and moved to the next one; i quickly realized they where all bars with a secret side prostitution business, but i wasn't interested at all, mainly because they where all 30+year women, by the time we got to the 5th bar i was a little tipsy, there i saw a girl coming out of a side room in a thong and bra who left the rooms door semi-open inside there where 3 girls watching tv on a sofa eating from a bowl wearing shorts and cartoon shirts as if they where at home, the all looked underaged, 15 years old at most, one of them was a beautiful blode girl which i could not keep my eyes off, my friend noticed and went straight to the bartender an asked if the girls were "working", the bartender called the girl i wanted and she walked me to the back of the bar to the rooms, she claimed to be 18 but i was sure she was not, at that point i was so horny i did one of the things you should never do with a prostitute, give her oral sex, but she had such a beautiful pink pussy i went trough with it for half an hour, had to pay for another 30min extension, then was time to lose my virginity, she would only do it with a condom, so i go and put it on and suddenly my already half an hour erection just stopped, i could not get it up, she tried to help with a handjob, nothing, blowjob, nothing, a lapdance rubbing her pussy against my penis, nothing, 20 minutes left i decide to keep giving her oral, bang erection is back, quickly try to put back the condom, flacid again, at this point i'm about to cry and have no more money for extensions then she says "don't worry that happens to half of the men that come here" so i just admitted my defeat and went home feeling like a worthless piece of shit

i had no clue what went wrong, is not like i had erectile disfuction, just remembering the oral sex part of that night would pop out an instant erection anytime anywhere, up til today i masturbate at least once every day; but one ting for sure changed that day, i no longer want to have sex like i used to, i still like women, and watch porn and masturbate though i no longer like penetration porn; foreplay, female oral sex, lebian sex, webcam ,masturbation, hentai, peeping are the only things that turn me on now

did i became a grey asexual? or was i one from the beginning?

but i recently found out there is a thing called somnophilia, people who have sex with others who are sleeping, unconcious, passed out, drugged or completely wasted, this kind of porn is usually bad because it's too obviously fake, and the drugged/wasted one actually turns me off but similar to this genre there is the time stop fantasy which is the only specific circumstance in which i would ever want to try penetration sex

[Snao Cone]

Honestly, I think there is way more to your situation than possibly being grey. It could be anxiety issues or other mental health factors getting in the way of you having sex, rather than you not having an innate desire for it. Becoming unmotivated to try having sex, or becoming numb to what used to arouse you, doesn't make you grey or asexual; it means your level of sexual motivation or drive has changed.

I think you'd benefit greatly from some expert help, like a therapist or a doctor with expertise in sexual function. By no means do you need to be having sex or get turned on by certain types of porn to be healthy or happy, but since this is affecting how you feel about yourself I think it's worth addressing with a professional opinion.