(Potentially stupid) Questions about foreplay

[Telecaster68]

Much as I hate to get into definitions on AVEN, it does actually depend what you mean by foreplay. Texts during the day can be foreplay. Or in a LD relationship, emails over the preceding weeks. Or for a morning quickie when you share a bed, just touching the appropriate bits. And anything in between. And then, just because you're got to PIV doesn't mean you have to go all the way through to orgasm the first time... These are all reasons I really can't divide sex up into foreplay and 'sex' proper.

[Tarfeather]

Well, let's see. It takes an average of two or three years to get into the mood to have sex with a new person for the first time. (Demisexual.) Once I've had sex with the same partner several times, it takes very little time to get aroused with that partner. I'm not sure where estimates like twenty minutes come from, but I had at least one partner who I think had been told something like that and was proceeding accordingly. Twenty minutes was far longer than necessary, plus foreplay in the sense of touching me while I'm just supposed to lie there is really ineffective anyway. Frankly my mind wandered a lot, to really sexy topics like laundry and grocery lists. But in hindsight I probably should have just communicated with my partner about this, huh? Then they could have gotten on with things about nineteen minutes and thirty seconds sooner.

I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there".

[Telecaster68]

Well, let's see. It takes an average of two or three years to get into the mood to have sex with a new person for the first time. (Demisexual.) Once I've had sex with the same partner several times, it takes very little time to get aroused with that partner. I'm not sure where estimates like twenty minutes come from, but I had at least one partner who I think had been told something like that and was proceeding accordingly. Twenty minutes was far longer than necessary, plus foreplay in the sense of touching me while I'm just supposed to lie there is really ineffective anyway. Frankly my mind wandered a lot, to really sexy topics like laundry and grocery lists. But in hindsight I probably should have just communicated with my partner about this, huh? Then they could have gotten on with things about nineteen minutes and thirty seconds sooner.

I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there".

I think that's how it shakes down with quite a few asexuals...

[Tarfeather]

I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there".

I think that's how it shakes down with quite a few asexuals...

I haven't had the impression with my girlfriend, and haven't heard much about it from anyone else.

[Telecaster68]

Read between the lines. If someone's mentally reciting song lyrics or trying not to feel nauseous or generally waiting for it all to be over, how active are they going to be? Even if they're not literally frozen, they're going to be noticeably semidetached.

[Tarfeather]

Read between the lines. If someone's mentally reciting song lyrics or trying not to feel nauseous or generally waiting for it all to be over, how active are they going to be? Even if they're not literally frozen, they're going to be noticeably semidetached.

And which asexual said they're mentally reciting song lyrics during foreplay?

[Telecaster68]

I was thinking of Serran, who I grant you is an ace Ace, but I've seen plenty of other posts about thinking about laundry lists, meal planning, work, to get through sex, even though in principle it's being done willingly.

[Tarfeather]

Well, the thing is, foreplay isn't sex. If you understand your asexual partner well, you usually can do foreplay things that they'll actually enjoy. It just won't lead to them desiring sex, but that's a different issue.

[Telecaster68]

Well, the thing is, foreplay isn't sex.

That's our point of difference then. I don't differentiate between foreplay and sex. What people call foreplay (blowjobs, handjobs, miscellaneous oral stuff) is just as much sex to me.

you usually can do foreplay things that they'll actually enjoy

They can enjoy it in a sensual way and still just lay there. Back rubs seem popular, for example, and they're just laying there. And the difference between, say, receiving a blowjob from a woman who's really into it, and one who's mentally sorting the laundry is what I mean by detachment.

[Rising Sun]

That's our point of difference then. I don't differentiate between foreplay and sex. What people call foreplay (blowjobs, handjobs, miscellaneous oral stuff) is just as much sex to me.

These are what porn calls foreplay. Usually, if I hear "foreplay" I think about making out, cuddling naked, sexy conversations, this kind of stuff. Oral and all the rest is in the "sex" category.

[Telecaster68]

These are what porn calls foreplay.

And it bears the same relation to actual sex as the rest of porn...

[Rising Sun]

TBH, I'm angry at what porn calls foreplay. Because porn's definition of sex is quite restricted and it's as if oral and all the rest can't be "real sex". It's even disrespectful to many couples' sexuality.

[Telecaster68]

Porn showing sex in a simplistic and dehumanising way? I'm shocked... shocked... ;)

[Snao Cone]

Well, the thing is, foreplay isn't sex. If you understand your asexual partner well, you usually can do foreplay things that they'll actually enjoy. It just won't lead to them desiring sex, but that's a different issue.

I agree that it would be best for an asexual-sexual couple to do foreplay things that can be sensually enjoyed by the asexual, but it could still be part of the compromise that foreplay is catered to the sexual person. And maybe an asexual person could benefit from both foreplay and sex that doesn't require them to be mentally in the moment, like it's a time to decompress because they're not expected to, like, make tomorrow's lunch when they're getting intimate with their partner at any stage of the session. But they could use it to plan tomorrow's lunch :P

[Telecaster68]

Never mind the definition on the front header. AVEN needs a slogan.

'Sex - at best, mildly preferable to washing up'

[nanogretchen4]

In porn the man pulls out and the woman fakes orgasm afterwards, while no one is even touching her. I don't think this is meant to be a realistic depiction.

[Tarfeather]

In porn the man pulls out and the woman fakes orgasm afterwards, while no one is even touching her. I don't think this is meant to be a realistic depiction.

Really? I just realized that I have no idea how female orgasm works. But I'm pretty sure this does work for male orgasm.

[Telecaster68]

Mantip, Tar. When she's thereabouts, just keep doing what you're doing.

[Tarfeather]

Mantip, Tar. When she's thereabouts, just keep doing what you're doing.

This will be relevant in all the situations of none to me, but thanks anyway. xD

[nanogretchen4]

If only more men would follow this useful tip. Some men seem to have learned it backwards. Is she thinking about laundry? More of the same. Is she close? Get bored and do something else.

[Guest]

Never mind the definition on the front header. AVEN needs a slogan.

'Sex - at best, mildly preferable to washing up'

I consider it "Sex - at best, mildly preferable to scrubbing the toilet" :D

[Tarfeather]

Never mind the definition on the front header. AVEN needs a slogan.

'Sex - at best, mildly preferable to washing up'

I consider it "Sex - at best, mildly preferable to scrubbing the toilet" :D

Ironically I always feel a bit sexual when I rhythmically rub against the deep end of the toilet to scrub it clean.. >_>

[Snao Cone]

Oh dear god, Tar, I'm crying with laughter :lol:

[Guest]

Never mind the definition on the front header. AVEN needs a slogan.

'Sex - at best, mildly preferable to washing up'

I consider it "Sex - at best, mildly preferable to scrubbing the toilet" :D

Ironically I always feel a bit sexual when I rhythmically rub against the deep end of the toilet to scrub it clean.. >_>

Gonna have to say that's a first to hear. :lol:

[Autumn Season]

This reminds me of a movie... What was it? "Chocolat"! In one scene the wife scrubs a toilet and the husband, who hadn't been very loving for many years, suddenly starts seducing her and they end up having mind-blowing sex. ... To make things clear, he was attracted to her ass, not the toilet.

[Tarfeather]

This reminds me of a movie... What was it? "Chocolat"! In one scene the wife scrubs a toilet and the husband, who hadn't been very loving for many years, suddenly starts seducing her and they end up having mind-blowing sex. ... To make things clear, he was attracted to her ass, not the toilet.

It doesn't sound like I missed anything not having watched that..

[Guest]

Somehow, you guys have made me dislike the idea of scrubbing the toilet even more. I didn't think that was possible. :lol:

[Guest]

In porn the man pulls out and the woman fakes orgasm afterwards, while no one is even touching her. I don't think this is meant to be a realistic depiction.

Really? I just realized that I have no idea how female orgasm works. But I'm pretty sure this does work for male orgasm.

If you stop right before she comes, she won't come and also she will be very cranky and you'll be starting over from zero... female orgasms are temperamental.

Never mind the definition on the front header. AVEN needs a slogan.

'Sex - at best, mildly preferable to washing up'

In all seriousness I think this is far more clear :D

[Guest]

Well, let's see. It takes an average of two or three years to get into the mood to have sex with a new person for the first time. (Demisexual.) Once I've had sex with the same partner several times, it takes very little time to get aroused with that partner. I'm not sure where estimates like twenty minutes come from, but I had at least one partner who I think had been told something like that and was proceeding accordingly. Twenty minutes was far longer than necessary, plus foreplay in the sense of touching me while I'm just supposed to lie there is really ineffective anyway. Frankly my mind wandered a lot, to really sexy topics like laundry and grocery lists. But in hindsight I probably should have just communicated with my partner about this, huh? Then they could have gotten on with things about nineteen minutes and thirty seconds sooner.

I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there".

Sounds like the ideal entireness of a sexual encounter to me, not just foreplay. *shrug* One giver, one passive recipient.

[Tarfeather]

Well, let's see. It takes an average of two or three years to get into the mood to have sex with a new person for the first time. (Demisexual.) Once I've had sex with the same partner several times, it takes very little time to get aroused with that partner. I'm not sure where estimates like twenty minutes come from, but I had at least one partner who I think had been told something like that and was proceeding accordingly. Twenty minutes was far longer than necessary, plus foreplay in the sense of touching me while I'm just supposed to lie there is really ineffective anyway. Frankly my mind wandered a lot, to really sexy topics like laundry and grocery lists. But in hindsight I probably should have just communicated with my partner about this, huh? Then they could have gotten on with things about nineteen minutes and thirty seconds sooner.

I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there".

Sounds like the ideal entireness of a sexual encounter to me, not just foreplay. *shrug* One giver, one passive recipient.

Uhm.. no?