Guest Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Well, let's see. It takes an average of two or three years to get into the mood to have sex with a new person for the first time. (Demisexual.) Once I've had sex with the same partner several times, it takes very little time to get aroused with that partner. I'm not sure where estimates like twenty minutes come from, but I had at least one partner who I think had been told something like that and was proceeding accordingly. Twenty minutes was far longer than necessary, plus foreplay in the sense of touching me while I'm just supposed to lie there is really ineffective anyway. Frankly my mind wandered a lot, to really sexy topics like laundry and grocery lists. But in hindsight I probably should have just communicated with my partner about this, huh? Then they could have gotten on with things about nineteen minutes and thirty seconds sooner. I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there". Sounds like the ideal entireness of a sexual encounter to me, not just foreplay. *shrug* One giver, one passive recipient. Uhm.. no? Uhm no what? Are you surprised at me preferring something else than you do? Link to post Share on other sites
timewarp Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Thanks everybody, I've been learning quite a lot. Please go on, I'm very curious :) Never mind the definition on the front header. AVEN needs a slogan. 'Sex - at best, mildly preferable to washing up' I totally want that slogan! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Well, let's see. It takes an average of two or three years to get into the mood to have sex with a new person for the first time. (Demisexual.) Once I've had sex with the same partner several times, it takes very little time to get aroused with that partner. I'm not sure where estimates like twenty minutes come from, but I had at least one partner who I think had been told something like that and was proceeding accordingly. Twenty minutes was far longer than necessary, plus foreplay in the sense of touching me while I'm just supposed to lie there is really ineffective anyway. Frankly my mind wandered a lot, to really sexy topics like laundry and grocery lists. But in hindsight I probably should have just communicated with my partner about this, huh? Then they could have gotten on with things about nineteen minutes and thirty seconds sooner. I'm starting to think we need a clearer definition of foreplay, because I never thought it to be "touching someone while they just lay there". Sounds like the ideal entireness of a sexual encounter to me, not just foreplay. *shrug* One giver, one passive recipient. Uhm.. no? Uhm no what? Are you surprised at me preferring something else than you do? Wait, that statement was meant as your personal preference, rather than as a guess on the preference of others? I thought you were asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Wait, that statement was meant as your personal preference, rather than as a guess on the preference of others? I thought you were asexual? How does that contradict each other? From what I've experienced (over chat/phone) it is far easier and less stressful to be sexually active with a woman who is fine with just passively lying there (as every activity on her side is distracting at best, and repulsive at worst), so of course that is what I'd strongly prefer, if we were to have sex at all. That doesn't mean that the only reason to have sex wouldn't still be because the woman desires it, with her pleasure being the goal of the exercise, seeing as I don't have any such desire, myself. An asexual woman just lying there passively would be pointless - sex would obviously simply not be happening. A sexual woman passively lying there to get pleased, however, would be compromise sex that I could see working. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Wait, that statement was meant as your personal preference, rather than as a guess on the preference of others? I thought you were asexual? How does that contradict each other? From what I've experienced (over chat/phone) it is far easier and less stressful to be sexually active with a woman who is fine with just passively lying there (as every activity on her side is distracting at best, and repulsive at worst), so of course that is what I'd strongly prefer, if we were to have sex at all. That doesn't mean that the only reason to have sex wouldn't still be because the woman desires it, with her pleasure being the goal of the exercise, seeing as I don't have any such desire, myself. An asexual woman just lying there passively would be pointless - sex would obviously simply not be happening. A sexual woman passively lying there to get pleased, however, would be compromise sex that I could see working. Hm.. what about cuddling? Do you not enjoy mutual sensual stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Hm.. what about cuddling? Do you not enjoy mutual sensual stuff? If I can keep my clothes on and it all stays above the belt... but with these boundaries in place, it's pretty clearly not sex, innit? In fact, so clearly not sex that counting it into "foreplay" would be more than a bit of a stretch. :D Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 As an asexual I have to say that I enjoyed being active more than being passive. Then again I don't get aroused, so the other trying the please me is simply pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 "A sexual woman passively lying there to get pleased, however, would be compromise sex that I could see working." You'd need them laying there relatively inertly? So kind of the reverse of the sexual's 'I want you to want me'... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 That's been my experience as well... the asexual partner would rather a passive sexual partner. I can see it going either way though. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Well mine too. How passive is passive though? Can I move my hips a bit? And presumably this wouldn't apply to asexuals who do get turned on once they get started. ETA Actually it starts off with me being passive, then I have to be the active one to er finish. At no point is any of it about her getting aroused though beyond a very minimal physiological level. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 "Foreplay" as presented in heteronormative sex manuals most people read around the time of my sexual debut has an agenda for what my lady parts are supposed to be doing. Either I'm supposed to get aroused, which actually is quick and automatic, or it's supposed to increase the chances that I'm going to have an orgasm later, but it seriously just doesn't work that way. The female is the passive recipient of "foreplay." I'm not a fan. It's not that I was just lying there because I was bored, I was bored because I was just lying there. I would have enjoyed some of the same activities as cuddling or afterplay, which doesn't have an agenda and is meant to be enjoyed in the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 "A sexual woman passively lying there to get pleased, however, would be compromise sex that I could see working." You'd need them laying there relatively inertly? So kind of the reverse of the sexual's 'I want you to want me'... Bingo. If a woman gives me any feeling that "she wants me", it's red flag panic mode for me. I actively want, perhaps even need, a partner to not "want me" in that way. If we are going to get sexual with each other at all, I'd prefer her seeing me in a "you are now allowed to pet me" favored-servant light* that doesn't put any sexual focus on me at all, and where I can be certain that it will all remain one-sided. * Weird as it sounds in this context, but it's kinda obvious that I'm a cat person, innit? :lol: Well mine too. How passive is passive though? Can I move my hips a bit? Mainly, she shouldn't distract me by trying to touch me or initiating anything... keep her hands to herself, basically. And definitely no touching of my body below the belt. Ever. Absolute taboo. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 * Weird as it sounds in this context, but it's kinda obvious that I'm a cat person, innit? :lol: That somehow reminded me of this vid.. I doubt you screw like the wind, though. xD Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I doubt you screw like the wind, though. xD And I don't quite run like the wind either. More like "trudge along slowly with frequent breaks, like an asthmatic snail". ;) Link to post Share on other sites
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