A very sexual person who'd like some advice.

[Murasame]

I, as stated in the topic title, am a very sexual person. My mind's very frequently thinking about that particular subject. My girlfriend, whom which I have been going out with for over two years, is asexual. We've tried to do things in the past, she's tried to be sexual for me, but it just ends up hurting her, so sexuality beyond kissing in general seems out of the question for the rest of our relationship if I want her to be happy, which I do. I love her very much, and she loves me, and neither of us want something like this to get between us. However, because of who I am and how I feel, and because of who she is and how she feels, I'm not quite happy... I have a need which isn't being met, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to stay with her for the rest of my life, and she feels the same way, but I don't want to feel this way... I want to experience sexual things, I want to be able to have a sexual relationship in my life... If I have to miss out on all of those things to be with her, I will, but I hope there's some way to have both of us be 100% happy.

I've looked around for information, but all the advice I can find is for asexual people dating a sexual person, not the other way around. Please, any advice or anything that you have that could help would be great.

[walrus]

Murasame, welcome to the world of frustration. None of us in your position have any idea how to have both parties 100% happy. In order to provide as much happiness as I can for my wife, I have to forego having any sexual satisfaction for myself, and that just doesn't leave me at all happy. For her to provide any sexual services to make me happy means that she will be unhappy because of her having to force herself to make me happy by doing something that makes her unhappy. It's a very confusing situation.

We both love each other and want to contunue in our relationship for how ever long we still have. Except for our being 180 degrees out of phase in the sex department, we have a relationship and partnership that is envied by most of our friends ... on both sides. They have no idea about the pain and turmoil brought on by our sexual incompatibility. I imagine we'll keep trying because there are so many points of compatibility and the simple fact that we love each other and neither of us wants to have anyone else.

There are several mixed marriages (sexual-Asexual) represented on this forum. Reading thru here you will see that everybody tries to address the problem in different ways. We each have to find out what will work for our particular pairing.

One of the few things that all have in common and in agreement is that there must be open and honest communication at all times. Often that is very difficult because of guilt, fear, anger and frustration. There also has to be a lot of compassion, compromise, understanding and encouragement.

It ain't gonna be an easy row to hoe, but it can be done. Just don't expect that both parties will be 100% happy. That is impossible, but both can get enough happiness from the relationship that it seems to be worth the effort. If we had known back then what we know now, we'd probably not have allowed our relationship to have reached the point that we became soul mates ... face it, us highly charged guys also want (and need) a sex mate as well.

[str8fuknpimpin]

*drum roll*

"WAR. HUNH! YEAAAH! WHAT-IS-IT-GOOD-FOR? ABSOLUTELY- NOTHIN!...WAR. HUNH! GOOD GOD YA'LL... :roll: "

period.

point blank.

[Murasame]

I agree that war is good for nothing, but how does that apply to this situation? Heh.

Anyway... That's rather depressing, walrus. I've been somewhat depressed about the issue myself... One of the major problems is that this is my first relationship, and her first relationship as well. I've never experimented around with anyone. For the longest time, I've had a big hang-up about 'missing out' on parts of my life. I didn't really have any friends until freshman year of high school (I'm a senior now). I've always felt like I missed out on my childhood, and I've felt a strong desire to not miss out on any more of what life has to offer. I want to experiment sexually, I want to be a wild teenager, at least with that sort of thing (drugs don't appeal to me, and although I probably will be a social drinker at some point in my life, I don't drink alchohol). I don't want to miss out completely on a part of my life... And I've gotten just enough of a hint of what being in a sexual relationship is like from our experimentation with each other in the past that I know I want that in my life, I want to feel wanted and needed in that way, etc etc... I want to be able to be sexual, I want to be who I am. I'm at my wit's end here, all of this stuff gets me quite depressed... A note: I was quite depressed before I met her, and she makes me feel better... although this issue is bringing me down quite a bit, being with someone else is not an option. Despite the lack of anyone I've talked to about this ever having a solution, there has to be a way to make things better. I don't want to live the rest of my life depressed and feeling like I've missed out on my own life, and I don't want her to be unhappy, either.

So yeah, I'm a whiny kid... But any help is greatly appreciated, I simply don't know what to do in this situation.

Edit #1: Oh, and in other topic in the forum, someone said that they reached a compromise, but the sexuality that they let the sexual in the relationship have was 'like a chore'... which sounds very familiar. It's not exactly good for the sexual in that case... sometimes that just hurts them more, because for one, it leads them on, and two, as was said in the other topic, it just doesn't feel right if both people aren't into it.

Edit #2: I suppose this needs saying: I hoped for a nympho, I ended up with an asexual (albeit an asexual whom I love dearly). If that came off as insulting, I apologize... I just thought it might illustrate my the expectations I once had, and I suppose that it's true that if she suddenly turned into a loyal nympho, I'd be happy as could be.

[winter]

well, first of all i think it's great that you respect her and how she identifies so much. so a round of applause to you, sir.

second, how long have you been dating? i couldn't find it in your first post.

third (tying in the second): it's really important to remember that your girlfriend loves you and her not wanting sex is in no way related to her loving you any less. that doesn't solve your problem, but it's important to keep in mind for your own well being. also, if you're a senior in high school, you're what, 17? 18? and you two want to spend your lives together?

that's awesome. but that's a long time to be together. it's really important that you discuss this issue with her, that you both address your wants and needs. you can sort things out better that way. and don't forget that as you are both young you're both going to grow as people and you're going to do that together. you may find that what you each want now will change or that what was previously very important is no longer quite so important.

i don't know that i've been too helpful, but if you want to chat, drop me a line.

-cheers

[Murasame]

To answer your question, over two years. We've been friends even longer than that. With what I said in my previous post, the statement of me only really having friends since ninth grade... Well, she was the first friend, who talked to that loserly kid, and I ended up being friends with all of her friends, and that's how I got friends. And things just progressed beyond friendship with her and I over time.

[Inkey Pinkies]

hi hope this is not too late for you, i'm the sexual partner of an asexual and we have a very good relationship, i get my jollies elsewhere and because of the way things work for us it's fine by her. if you want to talk to please do. hope we can be of service.

[frustr8ed]

To answer your question, over two years. We've been friends even longer than that. With what I said in my previous post, the statement of me only really having friends since ninth grade... Well, she was the first friend, who talked to that loserly kid, and I ended up being friends with all of her friends, and that's how I got friends. And things just progressed beyond friendship with her and I over time.

Hi..

I hear you talking about ninth grade-- etc how old are you?

if you're young and have no attachments (kids) I say let her go.

You'll find love somewhere else..

I see that you love her but many sexuals get caught in the thinking that their asexual partner is going to change.

if she truly is asexual and you've been with her for awhile that is all you're going to get.

Talk to her honestly and lay your cards out on the table... either come to a compromise or leave

it doesn't get easier in fact it gets harder and if she truly is asexual she won't change.

just saying it like it is.

[ghosts]

I hear you talking about ninth grade-- etc how old are you?

Hey, I'd just like to point out that this thread is from December 2005, and the member you're responding to hasn't posted since then, so there's a good chance they might not respond...

[mdw]

didn't recognize you with the new avatar, ghosts

[frustr8ed]

I hear you talking about ninth grade-- etc how old are you?

Hey, I'd just like to point out that this thread is from December 2005, and the member you're responding to hasn't posted since then, so there's a good chance they might not respond...

Ooops should have checked :oops:

[ghosts]

Ooops should have checked

Oh, no worries, I think I've done it before too. :)

[Mariiia]

I, as stated in the topic title, am a very sexual person. My mind's very frequently thinking about that particular subject. My girlfriend, whom which I have been going out with for over two years, is asexual. We've tried to do things in the past, she's tried to be sexual for me, but it just ends up hurting her, so sexuality beyond kissing in general seems out of the question for the rest of our relationship if I want her to be happy, which I do. I love her very much, and she loves me, and neither of us want something like this to get between us. However, because of who I am and how I feel, and because of who she is and how she feels, I'm not quite happy... I have a need which isn't being met, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to stay with her for the rest of my life, and she feels the same way, but I don't want to feel this way... I want to experience sexual things, I want to be able to have a sexual relationship in my life... If I have to miss out on all of those things to be with her, I will, but I hope there's some way to have both of us be 100% happy.

I've looked around for information, but all the advice I can find is for asexual people dating a sexual person, not the other way around. Please, any advice or anything that you have that could help would be great.

I'm in a similar situation& i understand how hard it is.Don't know if the girl you love feels the same as i feel towards sex issue, but you could talk about all with her again( if u already talked)&maybe she won't mind some physical intimacy that is more than kissing.Just it dsnt have to be sexual intimacy&often( specially in the situation when people live for each other) you dnt necessary need actual intercourse to get the feeling you want to have from sex.And maybe you should also ask yourself why exactly you need sex and you can't live without these feelings. i hope it could help somehow.you can feel free to pm me...really i'm in a very similar situation& we could learn frm each other, maybe it could help to understand people we love better.

[Denny]

I, as stated in the topic title, am a very sexual person. My mind's very frequently thinking about that particular subject. My girlfriend, whom which I have been going out with for over two years, is asexual. We've tried to do things in the past, she's tried to be sexual for me, but it just ends up hurting her, so sexuality beyond kissing in general seems out of the question for the rest of our relationship if I want her to be happy, which I do. I love her very much, and she loves me, and neither of us want something like this to get between us. However, because of who I am and how I feel, and because of who she is and how she feels, I'm not quite happy... I have a need which isn't being met, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to stay with her for the rest of my life, and she feels the same way, but I don't want to feel this way... I want to experience sexual things, I want to be able to have a sexual relationship in my life... If I have to miss out on all of those things to be with her, I will, but I hope there's some way to have both of us be 100% happy.

I've looked around for information, but all the advice I can find is for asexual people dating a sexual person, not the other way around. Please, any advice or anything that you have that could help would be great.

I feel for you, really. You are in a difficult situation and clearly want to do the best thing you can to ensure your relationship blossoms.

I am inclined to think that your relationship is going to fizzle out in time unless you come to some sort of understanding with your girlfriend to have an open partnership with her so that you can meet your physical desires elsewhere with other women. Whether that is something that you would find acceptable in any committed relationship is something you need to ask answer yourself. However, I can't really see how your present committment to a non-physical relationship can work longterm without feeling something is missing and need to have sex in a relationship. Sooner or later I feel that you will drift apart or even end up resenting each other.

I hope that you can find some way to making it work, but I feel that finding other more suitable partners might be a better way to go.

Anyway good luck.

[moonstar]

Not to be judgmental but I find open relationships not the way to go as I see it as betraying the integrity of a relationship even if your A partner says it is okay. I have read over and over again that sexuals need to have sex in order to open up and have intimacy with their partner. If you don't then you technically don't have the vehicle you need for the intimacy that would make the relationship thrive.

[John Bayko]

Not to be judgmental but I find open relationships not the way to go as I see it as betraying the integrity of a relationship even if your A partner says it is okay. I have read over and over again that sexuals need to have sex in order to open up and have intimacy with their partner. If you don't then you technically don't have the vehicle you need for the intimacy that would make the relationship thrive.

The sexual person can feel gratitude towards their partner for being allowed their sexual release, especially while in the middle of it. Being trusted with a very risky gift is a definite act of love, and the sexual person can feel that love, even while being sexually engaged with a person who they don't share an emotional connection with.

That's how I understand it, at least.

[Chiaroscuro]

Being trusted with a very risky gift is a definite act of love, and the sexual person can feel that love, even while being sexually engaged with a person who they don't share an emotional connection with.

That's an excellent observation, John. Thank you so much.

You're right. Sex is a thoroughly intimate gift given from one person to another. Gift-giving, and gift-receiving make a person feel wanted, special, privileged. When the gift is yourself, and is given in the most vulnerable, unprotected way, no wonder it's such a connecting moment between people.

And think of a time when someone you don't know well has done something really nice for you, just out of the blue. How that's made you feel. Or think of how doing something nice for a stranger has made you feel. Amplify those feelings by 1000 and that's the appeal of casual sex.

-Chiaroscuro

[Lucy Locket]

And think of a time when someone you don't know well has done something really nice for you, just out of the blue. How that's made you feel. Or think of how doing something nice for a stranger has made you feel. Amplify those feelings by 1000 and that's the appeal of casual sex.

-Chiaroscuro

Who ever thinks about "gifts" or "intimacy" when shagging a stranger? People like casual sex because it gets them off and they don't have the bother of a relationship. QED.

[Chiaroscuro]

Who ever thinks about "gifts" or "intimacy" when shagging a stranger? People like casual sex because it gets them off and they don't have the bother of a relationship. QED.

What constitutes intimacy with a stranger? Speaking to them in the elevator? Smiling to them when you pass them on the street? Asking them how they're doing?

How about bringing them to your home and taking your clothes off in front of them?

And as for it's being a gift, if you're sexual, it's a gift. Trust me.

-Chiaroscuro

[Lucy Locket]

Who ever thinks about "gifts" or "intimacy" when shagging a stranger? People like casual sex because it gets them off and they don't have the bother of a relationship. QED.

What constitutes intimacy with a stranger? Speaking to them in the elevator? Smiling to them when you pass them on the street? Asking them how they're doing?

How about bringing them to your home and taking your clothes off in front of them?

And as for it's being a gift, if you're sexual, it's a gift. Trust me.

-Chiaroscuro

A gift you appreciate so much that you go up to your mates in the pub the next day and go "See! See! I told you I could have her, now where's my £10"?

[Lucy Locket]

Edit: I phrased that badly. What I meant was, why do people behave like that if casual sex is so special and harmless?

[Chiaroscuro]

A gift you appreciate so much that you go up to your mates in the pub the next day and go "See! See! I told you I could have her, now where's my £10"?

Because some people are mean and stupid and fearful of appearing vulnerable in public.

Edit: I phrased that badly. What I meant was, why do people behave like that if casual sex is so special and harmless?

Why do parents beat and kill their children if children are special and harmless? Just because there are sick people out there doesn't mean that children aren't special and all parents are abusive. Sex is about two people making themselves mutually vulnerable (which is why it IS like a gift). If one of those people "lies" and takes advantage of the other person's vulnerability, that's ugly. But because those people are out there, do you just stop giving gifts? Or do you take certain precautions, and keep giving and receiving? As always, I'll add the caveat that I'm speaking only for sexuals here.

-Chiaroscuro

[Lucy Locket]

A gift you appreciate so much that you go up to your mates in the pub the next day and go "See! See! I told you I could have her, now where's my £10"?

Because some people are mean and stupid and fearful of appearing vulnerable in public.

Edit: I phrased that badly. What I meant was, why do people behave like that if casual sex is so special and harmless?

Why do parents beat and kill their children if children are special and harmless? Just because there are sick people out there doesn't mean that children aren't special and all parents are abusive. Sex is about two people making themselves mutually vulnerable (which is why it IS like a gift). If one of those people "lies" and takes advantage of the other person's vulnerability, that's ugly. But because those people are out there, do you just stop giving gifts? Or do you take certain precautions, and keep giving and receiving? As always, I'll add the caveat that I'm speaking only for sexuals here.

-Chiaroscuro

True ... Still can't see myself helping some old granny over the road because I think she's hot. But I suppose it's only human nature to take advantage when someone does something for you and you don't have to give anything in return.

[scamper]

A gift you appreciate so much that you go up to your mates in the pub the next day and go "See! See! I told you I could have her, now where's my £10"?

Because some people are mean and stupid and fearful of appearing vulnerable in public.

Edit: I phrased that badly. What I meant was, why do people behave like that if casual sex is so special and harmless?

Why do parents beat and kill their children if children are special and harmless? Just because there are sick people out there doesn't mean that children aren't special and all parents are abusive. Sex is about two people making themselves mutually vulnerable (which is why it IS like a gift). If one of those people "lies" and takes advantage of the other person's vulnerability, that's ugly. But because those people are out there, do you just stop giving gifts? Or do you take certain precautions, and keep giving and receiving? As always, I'll add the caveat that I'm speaking only for sexuals here.

-Chiaroscuro

I will second this sentiment, from the sexual perspective.

I've had casual sex before, and I've (thankfully!) never had a bad experience with it. I absolutely see it as an act of self-gift, but of course it requires the other person to be as open and giving with you.

[pickles.]

And as for it's being a gift, if you're sexual, it's a gift. Trust me.

I'll add the caveat that I'm speaking only for sexuals here.

I mean no disrespect, Chiaroscuro (I find most of your posts delightful and spot on), but I don't think it possible that one sexual can speak for all sexuals.

But, more to the point: if sex is, as you say, "a thoroughly intimate gift given from one person to another," how does that definition fit with John Bayko's definition of casual sex (which you seemed to be agreeing with): "being sexually engaged with a person who (you) don't share an emotional connection with"? Can intimacy be so divorced from emotional attachment?

--T

[mdw]

He didn't say he was speaking for all sexuals. Contextually he meant that as "not speaking for asexuals".

[Chiaroscuro]

if sex is, as you say, "a thoroughly intimate gift given from one person to another," how does that definition fit with John Bayko's definition of casual sex (which you seemed to be agreeing with): "being sexually engaged with a person who (you) don't share an emotional connection with"? Can intimacy be so divorced from emotional attachment?

First of all, mdw says what I should have said more clearly (but it's something I find I have to repeat over and over, so I guess I assume folks know what I mean). Second, you make a good point, Ms. Trish. I looked up intimate in the dictionary and I think I know where the problem is here. There are a bunch of different meanings for the word:

1. closely acquainted, familiar, close (meaning emotionally attached)

2. used euphemistically to indicate that a couple is having a sexual relationship (ie: not necessarily meaning emotionally attached).

3. involving very close connection ("their intimate involvement with their community").

My use of "intimate" is closest to #3. Intimate meaning a close connection (even if the connection is brief and between strangers). Here's an example of what I mean by that. I'm a painter, and I sometimes shoot models as reference. I recall one moment in particular, where I needed a young woman to cry for me. She put her hands over her face and burst into tears. It shocked me and also pleased me that she would trust me enough to open up in that way. It was an incredibly intimate moment. She was making herself vulnerable in front of a stranger. We have no emotional connection (we hardly know one another), but there was one brief moment in which we connected on a completely human level.

That's the gift I'm talking about. I could certainly have taken advantage of her vulnerability, stood up and laughed at her. Instead we grinned at one another afterwards, both feeling a little bit shy and uncomfortable, and went on with the shoot.

-Chiaroscuro

[AliceInWonderland]

if sex is, as you say, "a thoroughly intimate gift given from one person to another," how does that definition fit with John Bayko's definition of casual sex (which you seemed to be agreeing with): "being sexually engaged with a person who (you) don't share an emotional connection with"? Can intimacy be so divorced from emotional attachment?

First of all, mdw says what I should have said more clearly (but it's something I find I have to repeat over and over, so I guess I assume folks know what I mean). Second, you make a good point, Ms. Trish. I looked up intimate in the dictionary and I think I know where the problem is here. There are a bunch of different meanings for the word:

1. closely acquainted, familiar, close (meaning emotionally attached)

2. used euphemistically to indicate that a couple is having a sexual relationship (ie: not necessarily meaning emotionally attached).

3. involving very close connection ("their intimate involvement with their community").

My use of "intimate" is closest to #3. Intimate meaning a close connection (even if the connection is brief and between strangers). Here's an example of what I mean by that. I'm a painter, and I sometimes shoot models as reference. I recall one moment in particular, where I needed a young woman to cry for me. She put her hands over her face and burst into tears. It shocked me and also pleased me that she would trust me enough to open up in that way. It was an incredibly intimate moment. She was making herself vulnerable in front of a stranger. We have no emotional connection (we hardly know one another), but there was one brief moment in which we connected on a completely human level.

That's the gift I'm talking about. I could certainly have taken advantage of her vulnerability, stood up and laughed at her. Instead we grinned at one another afterwards, both feeling a little bit shy and uncomfortable, and went on with the shoot.

-Chiaroscuro

Hi Chiaroscuro.

If you're referring to a one-night stand (sex only once and with someone you don't know) I have trouble with seeing the intimacy in that. I just cannot form a bond with anyone in that situation - that's just how I am, though. Now, if the sex is ongoing, I can see it as a, "gift"...

[Chiaroscuro]

I just cannot form a bond with anyone in that situation

I think we're bumping up against the wide variety of definitions of intimacy again, Alice, which is less interesting than the larger issue. I agree with you that a one-night-stand isn't a bonding experience!

-Chiaroscuro

[scamper]

My use of "intimate" is closest to #3. Intimate meaning a close connection (even if the connection is brief and between strangers). Here's an example of what I mean by that. I'm a painter, and I sometimes shoot models as reference. I recall one moment in particular, where I needed a young woman to cry for me. She put her hands over her face and burst into tears. It shocked me and also pleased me that she would trust me enough to open up in that way. It was an incredibly intimate moment. She was making herself vulnerable in front of a stranger. We have no emotional connection (we hardly know one another), but there was one brief moment in which we connected on a completely human level.

I love this idea of intimacy - a connection on a human level that can happen even between strangers. That doesn't inherently have to be sexual, of course. The idea of it though, I really really like!