Spotting another A

[silvergirl]

Gay people don't seem to have too much trouble finding other gay people to relate to, even though many are not totally out. How would you identify someone who is A, in order to maybe seek relationship with that person (if you were attracted to them).

I'm assuming it's best to seek someone who shares your sexual orientation. We don't hear too much about het people falling for g/l people or vice versa, and certainly wouldn't expect such a relationship to work, although s/a seems quite a common mismatch.

[Remirath]

I can't think of any charateristics we might all share but I'm quite sure I will watch this thread carefully. I'm sure others will have some useful information.

[Wineblood]

I remember TheSMMG saying that his gaydar worked fine, but that the A-dar didn't work.

[KAGU143]

I have no idea how I would recognize another asexual and I dont *think* I project any "vibes" that would identify me. (Actually, I'm clueless about this.)

I've always tried to blend in and be as ordinary as possible when I'm in public, even when it requires doing things that I'm not 100% comfortable with .... like wearing shoes. :)

All of the asexuals I have knowingly encountered so far have been people that I met through Aven.

-Greybird

[Brodertun]

Someone that reads a book at a club/party, eats cake and looks clueless when everyone else is laughing?

Actually I imagine that if there are any A's in my life, I haven't talked to them, because I like a lot of hte people here wait for the other person to approach. So maybe we should look for people that stay away from us, and approach them.

[KidKash]

I'm assuming it's best to seek someone who shares your sexual orientation. We don't hear too much about het people falling for g/l people or vice versa, and certainly wouldn't expect such a relationship to work, although s/a seems quite a common mismatch.

I've read that it does happen, however, they do not want to comprimise same-sex relationships or they do not want to admit it out of social pressures.

[DarkcatXXC]

That's a very good question. One, however, I can't answer. I certainly can't tell if someone's A unless they tell me. Although, I try not to make assumptions on other people's orientations.

[deladangerous]

We don't hear too much about het people falling for g/l people or vice versa, and certainly wouldn't expect such a relationship to work, although s/a seems quite a common mismatch.

Actually, I fell pretty hard for a closeted gay fellow many years back. (Needless to say, no relationship resulted from it, beyond the platonic thing we already had)... I'm sure I'm not the only one who's made that mistake.

Unless they come right out and tell me, I always just kind of leave the possibility as a possibility instead of making assumptions. It's not really any of my business. At the same time, it leads for some occasional confusion... It's exactly the same with people being A. I've got no way of telling about that either.

[KidKash]

Actually, I fell pretty hard for a closeted gay fellow many years back. (Needless to say, no relationship resulted from it, beyond the platonic thing we already had)... I'm sure I'm not the only one who's made that mistake.

Unless they come right out and tell me, I always just kind of leave the possibility as a possibility instead of making assumptions. It's not really any of my business. At the same time, it leads for some occasional confusion... It's exactly the same with people being A. I've got no way of telling about that either.

Well, that's what I was about to ask...how do you know he was a closeted gay man as opposed to asexual?

[cijay]

Someone that reads a book at a club/party, eats cake and looks clueless when everyone else is laughing?

Actually, that's part of it. It's hard to meet other As because a lot of us don't GO to clubs or (as Dr. Phil would say) put ourselves in a target rich environment - because no matter what we do, people think that we're lookin' for love.

[silvergirl]

Someone that reads a book at a club/party, eats cake and looks clueless when everyone else is laughing?

Actually, that's part of it. It's hard to meet other As because a lot of us don't GO to clubs or (as Dr. Phil would say) put ourselves in a target rich environment - because no matter what we do, people think that we're lookin' for love.

Perhaps going to libraries when sexuals would be going to clubs would be better. Some libraries stay open late.

[deladangerous]

Well, that's what I was about to ask...how do you know he was a closeted gay man as opposed to asexual?

...B'cause he came out to me, and is definitely not A. :)

[Pobblebonk]

Gay people don't seem to have too much trouble finding other gay people to relate to, even though many are not totally out.

Would that that were true; it never has been for me, certainly. I think the only way most of them do it is by visiting gay social centres, and asexuals have none of those outside the internet.

Phil

[Nyarlathotep]

Would that that were true; it never has been for me, certainly. I think the only way most of them do it is by visiting gay social centres, and asexuals have none of those outside the internet.

Phil

... maybe we should work on that...

[foodie]

Jeez, if I could spot a straight A-guy, I'd be one happy girl! :)

Damn it!

[Goonie]

Jeez, if I could spot a straight A-guy, I'd be one happy girl! :)

Damn it!

:lol: do I know that feeling...

I have no a-dar. Actaully, I don't worry about it much :?

[LL Cool R]

I have a gay friend. He always hangs around with a homosexual crowd, goes to gay parties even if they are far away. Anyway, he already has got a boyfriend (if you call it this).

It's possible not so known outside Germany but there is gayromeo.com and nearly every homosexual male is registered there (my friend said asking a gay for his username on gayromeo.com is as usual as asking anyone for his phone/email).

The problem is that we cannot, as Nyarlathotep suggested, work on opening asexual society centres outside the internet because I think that asexuality is way too complex. We have people who are attracted bi-, homo- or hetero- and just don't want to perform sexual intercourse, we have those who don't want relationships at all and those who are at least "a little sexual" but their sex drive is lower than usual so they can relate to the community. Most of us aren't even sure who we are. How can we get together? It's definetely not easy!

[cijay]

Someone that reads a book at a club/party, eats cake and looks clueless when everyone else is laughing?

Actually, that's part of it. It's hard to meet other As because a lot of us don't GO to clubs or (as Dr. Phil would say) put ourselves in a target rich environment - because no matter what we do, people think that we're lookin' for love.

Perhaps going to libraries when sexuals would be going to clubs would be better. Some libraries stay open late.

I've been to libraries but the music sucks and I never did get any table service. :lol: Anyway, if I went to a library to meet people, that'd give them the impression that I'm an avid reader...it'd be kinda' like me going to a Star Trek convention or hangin' out at a tattoo/piercing place.

I would just like to be able to go somewhere that has the entertainment around (There was an oldies bar here that had it but it's gone now because the DJ died) but people could understand that I'm there for the entertainment. I can't have great conversations in there while the music is playing unless I'm really close to the person...and to do that it'd mean that I'm in heat.

[Carsonspire]

To recognize anyone according to sexual orientation (or any other classification) often means to rely on stereotypes. I have finely tuned "gaydar" simply because many of the people in my social circle are not heterosexual, in one way or another. It's like recognizing an accent. You won't recognize that someone has a Romanian accent, for example, if you have never heard someone from Romania speak.

As for recognizing fellow A's, and once again relying on stereotypes, I often find myself wondering if those people I know who prefer intellectual matters over sexual matters, are not interested in relationships, and/or are sometimes interested in eclectic or eccentric topics are asexual. I have never met anyone outside of Aven who is asexual, so I can't yet verify my assumptions.

[Pobblebonk]

As for recognizing fellow A's, and once again relying on stereotypes, I often find myself wondering if those people I know who prefer intellectual matters over sexual matters, are not interested in relationships, and/or are sometimes interested in eclectic or eccentric topics are asexual. I have never met anyone outside of Aven who is asexual, so I can't yet verify my assumptions.

I've got a friend I wonder about because he seems so similar to me - no relationships or apparent interest in relationships since I've known him and he ignores the subject if it comes up (though he does appear to find girls physically attractive) and, as many people here have noted seems common with asexuals, particularly strong interests in things other than sex - in his case, spiders, film-making (especially wildlife film-making) and sci-fi. Maybe keeping on the lookout for people similar to oneself is the key, when you're the only asexual you know about for sure.

Stereotypes can also be a good guide - I try to avoid using them, but a lot of the time people do tend to conform to them. A former friend of mine (who might also have been asexual, I suspect) seemed to fit naturally into stereotypes, and tended to be withdrawn, depressed, quiet, with no relationships, evasive when the subject came up, and with rather feminine mannerisms (and indeed an extremely feminine appearance - though he was male at the time). I wasn't surprised in the slightest to learn later that he was transsexual.

Philip Bowles

[cijay]

The only way to recognise a fellow Ace without out and out askng is that eventually you will notice a refreshing absence of sexual suggestions or accounts of all the conquests/conquers s/he has had.

[Pobblebonk]

The only way to recognise a fellow Ace without out and out askng is that eventually you will notice a refreshing absence of sexual suggestions or accounts of all the conquests/conquers s/he has had.

You mean ... everyone I know is A? :)

Phil

[KidKash]

The only way to recognise a fellow Ace without out and out askng is that eventually you will notice a refreshing absence of sexual suggestions or accounts of all the conquests/conquers s/he has had.

Yeah, that's not necessarily true. I am in the South and people do not go around speaking of their sexual conquests. Usually, people with a more liberal mindset are going to speak of their conquests, if anything. Also, there are some asexuals who like to make sexual suggestions.

[Inconspicuous]

i knew my friend was asexual back before i knew what asexual was. i had only known him for a few months and i realized "i don't think he is sexually attracted to anyone... and i don't think i am sexually attracted to anyone either. kick ass."

[lostinasense]

simple. have someone tell a crude sex joke. the person in the group who doesn't get it is, usually, asexual.

haha, or at least thats how i spot....myself! everyone else is laughing and someone has to explain the joke to me, then i fake a laugh and change subjects.

[Neurovore]

Maybe we should take to mounting flashing neon signs on ourselves that say "Flaming Asexual!"

Neurovore

[cijay]

The only way to recognise a fellow Ace without out and out askng is that eventually you will notice a refreshing absence of sexual suggestions or accounts of all the conquests/conquers s/he has had.

Yeah, that's not necessarily true. I am in the South and people do not go around speaking of their sexual conquests. Usually, people with a more liberal mindset are going to speak of their conquests, if anything. Also, there are some asexuals who like to make sexual suggestions.

Uuuh, I was kidding.

[KidKash]

:oops: Sorry ...I couldn't see your face or hear you.

[Children of the sloth]

I think it would be difficult to figure out what someone's sexual orientation was by just looking at them. Obviously if they have gay pride buttons or a shirt it's not hard to tell. There aren't really mannerisms that everyone shares outside of not wanting to have sex, ot to mention people who have never heard the term and don't know what they are axactly.

[Androgyny]

My gaydar works pretty well, sometimes I know a person's gay before they know it themselves. But like Carsonspire said, I tihnk we rely a lot on the stereotypes. and really, what stereotypes to asexuals have? We dont have any. You cant even say "a lack of desire for sex" cause that's not a stereotype, thats a fact.

but a realy easy way to tell who a homosexual is is if they're wearing rainbow. Around here a lot of the gay kids wear rainbow wrsitbands. I think if we could come up with a widely known symbol and just like, wear it as a pin or something, itd be like a silent message for other asexuals who know what were talking about. The only thing is, not everyone would know about it, and not everyone who does would wanna wear one. But still, not every gay wears a rainbow.