not sure where I'm going with this

[defeatedcreek]

I like learning new things. Since I volunteer at an LGBT Center, with a very active T component, I try to bring forward different identities and ideas to the table. I started looking at a-gender. It has some ties to the ace movement already, but something about it struck a nerve with me as I was reflecting.

I look male. I've always been comfortable with my body. I guess you could say I dress male, but I dress myself mostly out of convenience and based on what can fit my frame and long limbs. For the most part I'm just lazy about how I dress because I have to have loose clothes for other reasons that are not necessary to bring up here.

In that sense I'm probably just your every day cis-male, and I'm fine with that. I'm not looking to carve out a new identity or try to be more-than-an-ally.

But when I think about gender, and whatever maleness is, I'm just confused. I've had (former now) female friends, with the intent of being cruel, say I'm acting like "a girl" when I seem to have any sort of negative emotion displayed. I grew up bullied because any sense of intellectualism or non-athletic interests seemed effete and effeminate. How that plays into gender at all is apparently something only rural, southern cishet males know because I'm still clueless on that one.

My interests vary a lot but they're all inherited. Gardening and cooking are things my grandparents taught me. Classical music is something my third grade teacher taught me. Fitness is something I came up with on my own. I don't see my interests as expressions of any sort of gender at all. They're just things I packed up along the way in life.

Apparently voice pitch plays a part in all of this?

The gay men I'm around, and occasionally date, seem to interpret me as very much masculine. A lot of these guys in this city put a premium on that "straight acting" crap, even though I never have.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just feel gender-indifferent. The longer I've been around the more meaningless the distinctions seem to me. I wouldn't even know how to answer what my gender is. Someone can try to simplify the question to me "do you feel more like male, female, masculine, feminine, in-between" and my response would be "okay, well, what do ANY of those terms mean?"

I'm fine being the cis-ace-homoromantic male ally. But that just feels as much a pigeon-hole as anything I've heard over the years.

What "feels" or "knows" maleness and femaleness (and everything in-between and neither)? What lets someone know what their gender is?

I hope this doesn't sound rambling, and most definitely I hope it doesn't come off as insensitive or offensive in any way. I can't answer the most basic of questions for myself and it should be so simple. Am I overthinking? Am I just playing chameleon and conforming to whatever I think best suits the individual/context/or situation in front of me? If so that seems like a way deeper problem I need to resolve.

[Heart]

A good question to ask yourself is this: what would you do/think/feel if you woke up one morning in a female body? The answer there is going to tell you a lot, but I'll save you my analysis for after you write your thoughts so I don't bias the answer. Give the gut reaction, then think it over and give the thoughts too, they're both important bits of you.

As for over-thinking it, I'd say not yet. Gender can and often does take years to figure out. Just so long as you're not too stressed out about it, then you're doing just fine. Give it time, and we'll help however we can :)

[D-Ace]

Being female, and never really struggling with my gender identity, I don't have too many answers for you, but you definitely have my support however you choose to identify, or not identify. The best advice I can give is to do what you as a person enjoy, no matter what gender stereotypes have been ingrained in society around you over your natural born sex. You will always receive the most genuine forms of love and appreciation when you are true to yourself and your feelings rather than trying to conform to the identity and behaviors that the majority think you should exude. You can be masculine and still enjoy feminine things, just like you can be feminine and enjoy masculine things. People rarely fit perfectly into stereotypical gender norms for their culture, and that is OK. When others try and put you into a category, you are not obliged to fill the role of how they see you. Saying "I've never really thought about myself that way" and moving on is a good way to shut down gendered conversation. Do what you love, and spend time with the people whose personalities and ideals you are most drawn to, regardless of gender identity or sex. Don't rush into any labels until you are sure that you are comfortable and really want to identify in that way. I see gender and gendered activities on a spectrum where there is no right or wrong, regardless of the sex you were born with. Good luck and stay true to thoughts of your soul :)