'Too Young to be Asexual'?

[DannyFenton123]

This seems like a common problem in the asexual community and a large barrier to my coming out. It appears like people who have no problem believing that a gay person can know he was gay from a young age have a completely different understanding of even an adult who identifies as asexual. We are 'childish' for not wanting sex and 'will get it once we find that special somebody'.

The age range I'm talking about is around 8-15; at this age (at least in my part of the US) we can't legally have sex, work or drive a car. Can an adult say that they need to give it a little more time before they decide that they are asexual, or are they perfectly able to recognise their own orientation?

[Beca123]

I personally find the whole "you'll grow out of it" thing really unfair. You should be able to identify with whatever feels right whenever you are ready to, and if your orientation changes, that's perfectly okay. There's no reason you should have to be a certain age to understand your sexuality... so yeah, I think age doesn't matter as long as you understand the concept of asexuality well enough to identify that way.

[DannyFenton123]

I personally find the whole "you'll grow out of it" thing really unfair. You should be able to identify with whatever feels right whenever you are ready to, and if your orientation changes, that's perfectly okay. There's no reason you should have to be a certain age to understand your sexuality... so yeah, I think age doesn't matter as long as you understand the concept of asexuality well enough to identify that way.

Fitting in this age range, I am biased but I agree. Only you know what you feel and therefore only you can decide your orientation :)

[Queen Under the Mountain]

If a 8 years old kid tell me he/she is gay, I won't tell him he is lying or that he/she doesn't know what he/she is saying but I'll be lying if I say I don't think the kid is a bit too young to know, specially because the puberty didn't appear yet. The same happens if a kid this age tell me that she/he wants to have 3 cars or being a doctor. I believe in cars and medicine, but 8 years old kids are too young to know basically everything, specially things related to sexuality because of puberty. 15 years old are a bit more mature and know themselves better, so they are in a better condition to know, once again a 15 years old can dream in being a doctor just for discover one year later that she/he hates hospitals, blood and dress in white, but it isn't a reason to forbid the person to dream. There are things in life where time is almost as important as knowledge. I don't think a person has to have sex to know they don't want to have sex, but I don't think a 8 years old kid knows enough about sex to dismiss it either. Or knows enough about marriage, have kids, much less sexual attraction.

[DannyFenton123]

If a 8 years old kid tell me he/she is gay, I won't tell him he is lying or that he/she doesn't know what he/she is saying but I'll be lying if I say I don't think the kid is a bit too young to know, specially because the puberty didn't appear yet. The same happens if a kid this age tell me that she/he wants to have 3 cars or being a doctor. I believe in cars and medicine, but 8 years old kids are too young to know basically everything, specially things related to sexuality because of puberty. 15 years old are a bit more mature and know themselves better, so they are in a better condition to know, once again a 15 years old can dream in being a doctor just for discover one year later that she/he hates hospitals, blood and dress in white, but it isn't a reason to forbid the person to dream. There are things in life where time is almost as important as knowledge. I don't think a person has to have sex to know they don't want to have sex, but I don't think a 8 years old kid knows enough about sex to dismiss it either. Or knows enough about marriage, have kids, much less sexual attraction.

Do you think that sex ed has anything to do with whether they are able to judge? Sex ed happened when I was ten, and it was the start of 'wait, I don't have these feelings. Am I supposed to?' for me :)

[Queen Under the Mountain]

If a 8 years old kid tell me he/she is gay, I won't tell him he is lying or that he/she doesn't know what he/she is saying but I'll be lying if I say I don't think the kid is a bit too young to know, specially because the puberty didn't appear yet. The same happens if a kid this age tell me that she/he wants to have 3 cars or being a doctor. I believe in cars and medicine, but 8 years old kids are too young to know basically everything, specially things related to sexuality because of puberty. 15 years old are a bit more mature and know themselves better, so they are in a better condition to know, once again a 15 years old can dream in being a doctor just for discover one year later that she/he hates hospitals, blood and dress in white, but it isn't a reason to forbid the person to dream. There are things in life where time is almost as important as knowledge. I don't think a person has to have sex to know they don't want to have sex, but I don't think a 8 years old kid knows enough about sex to dismiss it either. Or knows enough about marriage, have kids, much less sexual attraction.

Do you think that sex ed has anything to do with whether they are able to judge? Sex ed happened when I was ten, and it was the start of 'wait, I don't have these feelings. Am I supposed to?' for me :)

In my head we are all asexual non libidoist by default when kids, this only changes after puberty. I remember I used to say I didn't want to marry since I was very little, like 6 years old, this doesn't changed, but I don't think it was my asexuality flowing, it was only my child mind speaking, the fact that I really am ace is just a coincidence.

Sex ed tells you about the mechanics of sex, which aren't very appealing, not about sexual attraction (not where I studied at least haha). If you already started the puberty and nothing changed, so yeah, you are probably ace, but before that...I think it is too soon.

[dandelionfluff]

Since asexuality is defined mainly by sexual attraction, I do think there is a too young. I'm not that old at all, but *old person voice* back in my day, when I was in elementary to middle school, no one was having sex, and "dating" was typical fake childish relationships. I don't recall feeling any pressure to have sex at all or feeling alienated for not wanting it. And this was the late 90's to early 2000's. It's not like kids didn't talk about it at all...but to my knowledge no one was doing it, and at least no one in my circle of friends did it. The only trouble I had was not being interested in boys, but I actually did develop an interest later on (just not sexually). That just shows that things can change.

So if someone that's 8 years old says they're asexual...I mean you're at the age that you could still be wetting the bed, why even think about sex at that age?! But sexual attraction is something that can develop with puberty, so I think that really young kids that identify as asexual should know that there is a chance that it may change. And that's fine!

Do kids that young even know about asexuality, anyway? And don't kids that age find sexual things gross?

I guess I can understand a young teen identifying as asexual but a a child of 8, 9, 10 years old? I'm not really sure about that. When I was 10 I was just worried about Pokemon...But I don't know what it's like for kids these days anyway.

This reminds me of a scene from the Simpsons lol:

[DannyFenton123]

Okay, I set the range too low. But at what point would kids start feeling sexual attraction (and asexuals continuing to not)?

[Splatacus]

Okay, I set the range too low. But at what point would kids start feeling sexual attraction (and asexuals continuing to not)?

It really varies from person to person.

I remember when I was 12, my friend at the time was all interested in boobs, and talking about which girls in the class had the best, while I was much more interested in what was for lunch in the canteen that day.

Fast forward a few years, now 17, with different friends, sitting in the park and they're discussing their favourite sexual positions while I'm making shapes out of clouds.

Few more years, I'm 20, finally realise, hang on. Almost everyone I know is really interested in sex and stuff, and I'm just... not. Eventually find AVEN and it makes sense, lol.

The reason why some people say "you're too young to know" is because some people do genuinely develop sexual attraction later than others, there's no set age for it to happen. You *might* develop it later, you might not. The thing to remember is that both possibilities are equally valid, there's nothing wrong with either :)

[Queen Under the Mountain]

Okay, I set the range too low. But at what point would kids start feeling sexual attraction (and asexuals continuing to not)?

As Splatacus said, it varies from person to person, but if I had to set an age, it would be around 14/15. The majority of people are already thinking in dating and sex by that age, it is possible you will "develop" your sexual attraction later than that, but in general I think someone in this age that still haven't it can start to think of themselves as ace but aware that can change in the near future. You can be demi after all or gray-a, but yeah, I think a 15 y/o is mature enough to understand their own feelings and identify as asexual.

[Star Bit]

Okay, I set the range too low. But at what point would kids start feeling sexual attraction (and asexuals continuing to not)?

Late elementary (so 9 or 10 but I've also heard people say they started at 8 ) is when sexual attraction starts for allosexual people, but they only get clarity on what those feelings are in junior high to early high school. So someones 15th year is typically the late bloomer end mark; making 15 or 16 a more conclusive age to tell if someone is ace.

[IAmNoBird]

"Too young" really depends. I've had crushes for as long as I remember (like we're talking kindergarten age) but the sexual attraction never appeared for me. I think I first noticed the difference between me and my friends in high school, maybe around 14-15. I mean, I got crushes, so I thought I was "normal" for a long time. But I'd say late junior high-early high school is when I started being really confused when my friends were obsessed with [insert male celebrity here] and getting funny looks when I said as much.

What I wonder is if the late bloomer thing is actually, like, a thing. I mean, it's possible. But if you haven't felt sexual attraction by mid teens I'd say you're old enough to know.

[Sally]

At any age, you can describe how you feel -- you can say "I'm interested in sex stuff" or "I'm not interested in sex stuff."

But I think it's only by late teens that you can say that you are either sexual or asexual.

[andreas1033]

I knew around 13, but did not absolutely confirm it until 23. Your sexual peak if your male normally comes in early 20's, and for females its around 30 or so.

So i was absolutely confident at 23 to say i was absolutely asexual(i used the word androgynous), as i knew that is males sexual peak, or around then. When you have reached your sexual energy peak(we all have them even if you have virtually no sex drive), and you have not had any interest in sex or others you can be confident that you will never. There are of course exceptions, but normally when you reach your sexual peak your sexual drive will go down. So if you had virtually no drive drive like most asexuals, then it will dwindle into being virtually insufficient, after your peak.

So when someone says your too young to know. Of course you as you only know you, but until you have reached your sexual energy peak age, you cannot really be sure.

Thats what people mean. Like i said i knew at around 13, but did not absolutely confirm me being asexual(i did not know the term, but it was what i meant) back in 1998 at 23 years old. I was glad i was right, and i am glad i never had any interest in others or sex. Today at 40 thats long behind me, but op should remember being asexual will be a life long thing of being harassed about it. Most people are sex maniacs, and cannot fathom there is people especially males not interested in others.

[EmsanQ]

I think people know themselves a lot earlier than people think they do. Yes, when you're younger you can change your mind about things, but at your very core you are still you. Thinking back on myself throughout the years I can't say I ever went through such a big change. The only difference is that I'm more calm and reasonable, but I was pretty good as a kid too.
When I am thinking back on my own childhood (which I can't honestly say I considered have ended because I am still a child at heart despite being a legal adult and handling taxes and whatnot) I notice small incidents even when I was 7-8 years old where I was different from the other kids. They used to giggle and whisper about boys and make a big deal out of it and ask me who I thought was "cute". The only time I was actually drawn towards someone was a boy who had a great personality and he ended up being my first boyfriend (for about two years) so even there you can kinda see it as a proof of my demisexuality despite none of the whole sexual part being involved (I had to be a good friend with him (in child standards) and like his personality before I thought of him as cute).
I also know that I have some bi- and pan- friends who say that they too noticed small incidents in their childhood that hinted at their sexuality.

Though it was at age 13 that I for the first time realised that maybe people around me felt something I didn't in regards to bodies and sex, but I just figured I was a late bloomer (because mom had been) and didn't really bother too much.

So no, I don't think being "too young" is an excuse in any way, shape or form. Kids aren't as clueless as people seem to think they are. Most kids I've met or talked to have been rather self-aware and have had a pretty good insight into things.
I think the "too young" thing is most often used by relatives who freak out over their little one's sexuality and can't accept it fully.

And yeah, sometimes things change. Our brains are still developing at that age and such, and that is okay too. But I still can't consider age as a barrier to knowing yourself.

[Elluna Hellen]

Well, eight is a little young. Not saying they can't notice something, but... But a young teen, I believe it. It might still change at that point, but less likely to do so. I was twelve when I first realised that people around me thought boys were 'cute' and started 'dating' (not... Really anything serious, but still 'dating' in a childish way). At this point I didn't know what sexual attraction was supposed to be, but I did know that I didn't find people 'cute' in a crush kind of way. And I thought this was weird, but figured it would happen to me eventually, too. As for the whole sexual attraction thing.... People around me never really talk about it much, so I didn't realise it was as big a thing as it apparently is.

I'm just weird for thinking I was a latebloomer until I was 23, though. That's just extreme :P

[Calamity Jim]

To be fair, anyone who hasn't hit puberty is asexual by default and many people do start experiencing sexual attraction later, which is why latebloomers are a thing. So yeah, once puberty is over and done with I think the "you're too young" is completely unfair, but until that happens it is trying to make an assumption without all the data, like claiming you will never be taller than your dad before you are done growing.

That being said, it shouldn't be discouraged as an option at any age because experimenting is healthy and something kids do and asexuality is an option worth talking about even with 8 year olds. So while biologically they could be wrong it doesn't matter because trying out orientations isn't harmful and shouldn't be treated like it is because there is nothing wrong with not being straight.

[Sally]

I think people know themselves a lot earlier than people think they do. Yes, when you're younger you can change your mind about things, but at your very core you are still you.

You're you whatever age you are, but your body changes during puberty. Until you go through that change, I don't think you know whether you're sexual or asexual. Having a libido/noticing that your body feels good when you rub something (which children do find out fairly early) is different from orientation. Some asexuals masturbate, so that doesn't really mean anything as far as orientation.