I'm donezo + "desperate" sexual male needs advice

[Tarfeather]

Last weekend my girlfriend came over and stayed over the night from Saturday to Sunday. These occasions are rare and I was determined to make use of it with regards to figuring out sexual things.

First, I realized something odd. While I still experience attraction for my girlfriend, I no longer have any kind of urges to do anything "sexual" with that attraction. Stroking her, holding her, cuddling with her, all that stuff, sure I still wanted to do that. But over the last months, any urge to become "passionate" with her seem to have completely disappeared.

Nevertheless, for my own curiosity I pushed on. I made myself be as insistent as I've never been since finding out she's asexual. I could do this because without these urges, I could "push" without losing control of myself.

And honestly, nothing came out of it. She let me go pretty far, which I'm really grateful for. But I didn't enjoy myself, nor did she. It was like.. complete and final realization that it's not just her closing herself to this kind of thing, she actually doesn't enjoy it.

Furthermore, something odd. I realized that, despite having very "passionate" fantasies while masturbating, doing this IRL doesn't really feel "me". I don't really feel "myself" being all over someone else's body like that. It makes me feel like a bumbling idiot. With my previous partner, I had thought that was because I felt her to be unattractive. But with my current partner, that's not the case.

In other words, it appears that at this point, I'm not actually interested in "typical" sex. Sure, I love fantasizing about the stuff, and I did have urges to do this kind of thing with my girlfriend in the past. But it turns out that in a "calm" state, when it comes to actually doing this kind of thing, I don't want to. Not in and of itself. Maybe if there were something else, some form of returned sexual desire or something like that, I would. But doing stuff with a woman's body in and of itself, seems to be much less desirable for me in reality than it is in my fantasies.

So yeah, I'm done. This is it. At first the realization was like a bucket of cold water. It was like "Yup, this is not going to happen". For a moment, it felt like our whole relationship had just disappeared. But a few seconds later, I realized that it hadn't. Our friendship is still there, and that friendship is extremely fulfilling. Plus she seems to think there is more to it than friendship. Which I don't know if there is, but I don't mind. I mean, I platonically love her so much that I consider her more important than any sexual partner ever could be. So maybe what I feel is more than friendship? I don't know. I just know that the thing I myself associate with "romantic love" isn't there, and that I'm fine with that.

We ended up cuddling together after that, and I did ask her if she'd be okay with me having a sexual relationship. She said that she thinks so.

And honestly, this brings me to a question where I'm utterly clueless, and these forums are problably the wrong place to ask.. However, there are some sexuals here, whose advice I would more readily take than the advice from the typical random.

How, specifically as a man, do you get laid?

Like, seriously, it's not something I've ever bothered with. Thus far I've sought a complete relationship, with sex as a happy side effect. Well, I got the relationship, but the happy side effect didn't happen.

I asked a friend of mine, describing the situation to him. He earnestly told me: "In your situation? A prostitute." I think that sounds about right. I've no interest in drinking or partying or socializing, so if I were to "go out" looking for sex, it'd be sex and sex only I'd be after, and somehow I'm uncomfortable with that. I also have no interest in competing with a bunch of horny guys who'd do anything to get laid; I'm not particularly attractive, so no "head start" there, and I'm not ready to change myself, pretend, or manipulate in order to have sex.

Prostitution sounds like the most straightforward thing in this situation; A honest transaction, with both sides being clear what they're in for. Another benefit is that with me being so inexperienced and not actually knowing what kind of sex I want/whether I want sex at all, someone who's "in the business" of dealing with inexperienced people like me would have a higher chance of making me enjoy the experience.

As a student, I obviously don't have the money right now, but if I ever want to experience that kind of thing, that seems to be the only option for me in the long term. There may be other options as well, but I can't think of any. Sometimes this strikes me as odd; Are we really at the point now where a slightly below average looking guy can't get laid until they either pay for it or go looking really desperately? Seems.. a bit odd. Meh, whatever.

[dissolved]

How, specifically as a man, do you get laid?

You ask :P

Not me :lol:

Is prostitution legal in Germany? I can't remember... Or there are at least far fewer issues with it compared to the UK...

I briefly lived near-ish to Hanover a few years ago, and remember that there were always plenty of prostitutes hanging around the military camps if you didn't want to book one in advance... that was a strange sentence to type...

I know you say you don't want to go out and get drunk etc in order to find someone, but I do think that'll be the easiest way... failing that, I'm pretty sure there are online options and apps to locate folk for casual hookups, although how odd an experience that would be, I have no idea. Also, I don't know how big your university is, but I know even average looking guys don't have much of a problem in a big enough student population, but again alcohol will work in your favour and if you really don't want to then I think I'm all out of ideas :D

[Guest]

Aww, Tar, you know I've been where you are. I find it completely mystifying how anyone could feel desire without it being returned... I understand a lot of people do, but that's one experience I can't wrap my head around. The significant decline in my sex life was almost entirely my doing... no matter how much time was placed in between the events, it still just felt forced. Could not be less interested in that.

Saying that, I've had many a friend over the years offer to help me out, and it's frustrating because it's like... what I'm missing isn't awkward unfeeling sex. So... you can try to get laid (get drunk. Just do it) but you may not find it satisfying.

[Guest]

If you want to just get laid, a lot of people here use "hookup apps" and things like craigslist and such, if they dislike the club/bar scene. Do things like that exist in Germany? Cheaper than a prostitute and you don't have to be Brad Pitt to get someone interested on those. My ex can't do those things, cause he says the sex isn't something he likes with strangers... so he goes FWB option, you just kinda ask if theres a friend that might work. Otherwise, most people I know just go to a club/bar, get tipsy/drunk and go home with the first person who seems interested.

[Tarfeather]

Is prostitution legal in Germany? I can't remember... Or there are at least far fewer issues with it compared to the UK...

As far as I'm aware it's legal, but brothels are regulated by the government. I may be wrong about the specifics, I never looked it up (but I do know prostitutes are legal here in some form). I also happen to know that a lot of guys here regularly drive to a neighbouring country for that kind of thing, as it's a lot cheaper there.

I know you say you don't want to go out and get drunk etc in order to find someone, but I do think that'll be the easiest way...

Maybe I should try it, but I'd want at least some friends to go with, and I currently don't have those. :/ Also doesn't help at all that I'm stuck living a bit outside the city (tried moving in but there's just a shortage of living space right now), and buses don't go past 8PM or so. Plus crowds literally make me uncomfortable, I'm a sensitive and somewhat anti-social kind of person. ^^'

failing that, I'm pretty sure there are online options and apps to locate folk for casual hookups, although how odd an experience that would be, I have no idea.

I tried OKCupid a while ago, not specifically for sex, just to make some female friends. It was a terribad experience; I'm not keen on writing a dozen well thought out messages, trying to get someone involved in a discussion about their reported interests, and not getting a single response. Maybe I'd have more luck just straight out going on a site for hook-ups and asking for sex? That would be counter-intuitive but I haven't tried that yet.

Also, I don't know how big your university is, but I know even average looking guys don't have much of a problem in a big enough student population, but again alcohol will work in your favour and if you really don't want to then I think I'm all out of ideas :D

Yeah, going drinking somewhere would be the only way for me to meet female students. In my own courses, there are only a handful of female students, and while I wouldn't mind getting to know some of them and maybe make some more female friends, I certainly won't try to hit on any of them, especially with all of them being aware of my current relationship.

I find it completely mystifying how anyone could feel desire without it being returned... I understand a lot of people do, but that's one experience I can't wrap my head around.

I can understand it in theory.. I can imagine it.. But I don't seem to have a desire to actually make it reality. That's what irks me so much about the desire definition of asexuality.. Imagining something, liking the idea of something, those are different things from actually making the choice to do it if you're given the chance. But I feel very much as a sexual person, even if it turns out that I don't actually have a need to have sex "in reality". Or maybe that'd make me asexual? It's weird..

Saying that, I've had many a friend over the years offer to help me out, and it's frustrating because it's like... what I'm missing isn't awkward unfeeling sex. So... you can try to get laid (get drunk. Just do it) but you may not find it satisfying.

At this point it's more curiosity than desire that drives me toward that stuff. I just want to know, you know? Currently, I've no idea whether I'm missing out on anything or not, and I don't want to necessarily keep it that way for the rest of my life.

If you want to just get laid, a lot of people here use "hookup apps" and things like craigslist and such, if they dislike the club/bar scene.

Mm.. Such sites exist, though I'm not sure how much they're used. Was looking for dating sites at one point and found lots of places that were apparently primarily about sex.

so he goes FWB option, you just kinda ask if theres a friend that might work.

That would be an option, but I would first have to ask Vermin Supreme to turn me gay.

Turning gay, turning gay, not a single straight gene in his DNA~ *sings along*

I don't have many friends, as I don't get along with many people and prefer a small social circle. I have three female friends. One of them is asexual, one of them is genetically related to me, one of them is in a monogamous relationship. Not a whole lot of options there.

I do find my best male friend to be aesthetically pleasing and wouldn't mind cuddling with him. As for sexual stuff, I'd be willing to do stimulation with hands and those kinds of things as well, but 1) that would be extremely awkward for our friendship to suggest 2) he does have a sexual girlfriend. So no, not really an option. My other male friend always acts like he's so mentally advanced and all, but I'm pretty sure that he's actually pretty closed minded when it comes to things like considering sexuality with another man.

Otherwise, most people I know just go to a club/bar, get tipsy/drunk and go home with the first person who seems interested.

You know, the more you people talk about that, the funnier I find it. I'm starting to want to just follow some guy around into a bar or something and observe the events. xD Like, "seriously, how can people even do that? I need to learn!"

[Guest]

Otherwise, most people I know just go to a club/bar, get tipsy/drunk and go home with the first person who seems interested.

You know, the more you people talk about that, the funnier I find it. I'm starting to want to just follow some guy around into a bar or something and observe the events. xD Like, "seriously, how can people even do that? I need to learn!"

Haha if you go to a bar/club you can sit in a corner table or something and probably watch it happen several times. :) I don't drink, so I don't really get it. But, it's apparently a quite effective way of making talking and connecting with strangers easier. They just kinda, start talking to a person and if they get along they go home together. *shrug*

As for the sites and such - the girls on some of them are quite plain on what they want. "I'm available every Friday night, just give me an hours notice if you're within the area" and such. Some of those apps like tinder show you matches within your area and you basically just hit "yes" or "no" to them, then can exchange texts and meet up or not. Yeah, you have to go through a lot of matches to find one person willing (as a guy) but eventually you'll swipe yes to someone that is also interested. Or, just post a profile on a dating site / personals site that says you're looking for a sex buddy, there are A LOT of those around so it's not unusual - again, as a guy, you often have to go through sending many messages. If meeting a stranger like that off the net, I recommend meeting in public initially just to be safe, before going somewhere private so you don't end up answering one that wants to rob you or something. Over here, those sites are extremely busy. Not sure about Germany, but I would imagine there is a fair amount of traffic.

[butterflydreams]

Prostitution sounds like the most straightforward thing in this situation; A honest transaction, with both sides being clear what they're in for. Another benefit is that with me being so inexperienced and not actually knowing what kind of sex I want/whether I want sex at all, someone who's "in the business" of dealing with inexperienced people like me would have a higher chance of making me enjoy the experience.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen the "get a prostitute" advice on the internet. I mean, I know it's the internet but it still seems like the frequency is weirdly high.

To anyone posing that, or considering it, I have one question: Are you sure that's really what you want? Because I know it sounds perfectly logical and reasonable. Two parties, clear on what's going on, money exchanged, and done. But I kind of imagine it'd be a different story once you're there in the thick of it. So I guess before stressing yourself out thinking about it as an option, really meditate on how you might feel in the situation itself. I honestly don't know what you'll find, but I know sometimes these things seem different from afar.

I kind of wish there was a manual out there on nonsexual intimacy, because it seems people are really clueless about it. Even I am. Is there anyone out there who actually got a sex education (formally or informally) that didn't boil down to insert tab A into slot B? Maybe the chosen few would've also gotten something about two tabs, or two slots, but as a rule, we're woefully unaware of other ways to "sex". Personally, if I were with a sexual partner, I'd explore the shit out of that. What other ways could we be extremely intimate that were not sex?

I think you might be right though, about this not being the best place for such a question. Or at least, I'm not able to give a good answer. I've probably only felt the "need to get laid" maybe a half dozen times in my life. It's very amorphous and it dissipates really quickly too. Maybe a "solution" in the interim would be to think about why you feel that way. Maybe try to suss out what's behind it, and then go from there. Sorry I can't be more helpful :(

[Feral_Sophisticate]

You're more likely to find the act itself more enjoyable if you find someone that you actually have something in common with, and that you can do sexual stuff with. Basically, a FWB, with the understanding that your relationship with your girlfriend is absolutely paramount, and that you're not looking to change anything. Just be sure that you negotiate the exact boundaries of what is ok and what isn't with your girlfriend first. She might not, for example, want you to do sleepovers. Kissing might be off the menu. It really depends on her comfort level, and you'll have to ensure that you adhere to whatever her wishes might be, insofar as what degree of intimacy you're allowed with your sexual partner(s).

An open relationship, basically, insofar as sex is concerned - which is precisely what I'm in now. I'm absolutely free to have sexual partners outside my primary relationship. The conditions that we worked out are such that all penetrative sex must be with a condom, and that they meet with her - and get along with her - before anything happens.

Open relationships (or just having consensual FWBs on the side) takes a degree of work, but it seems like you two have good communication already - which is a key element to making this work.

I wish you two the best of luck, and that you find someone that "fits" you and your lifestyle. It's not easy to find sometimes, but your solution is likely out there.