Demisexual, maybe?

[Erasmvs]

I know that you people can't tell me what I am because that's up to me to decide what I feel, but what if I know exactly how I feel, I just don't know the correct term for it? So I decided to tell a few stories about how I feel towards things so you can help me figure myself out. Thanks in advance!

I get crushes extremely rarely. I liked like 5 people in my life (I'm 17), when other girls have like 5-10 crushes at once! I can get 1 crush at a time, max 2 if it's a minicrush. I only get crushes on people that I already know, and/or people that show interest in me and to whom I feel emotionally attached. I don't feel crushes towards people who are celebrities or people that I just see on photos but never talked to. I don't feel sexual attraction to my crushes, only romantic. However, I have felt sexual attractions after I got really close to those persons on an emotional level, like having a great conversation (not about sexual things though). When I'm getting sexually turned on or when I get sexual feeling towards people, I usually concentrate on their face/eyes, hair, hands, but never the body, like penis/vagina or boobs, even if I find boobs aesthetically pleasing to the eye. I'm more attracted to guys than to girls, I only recently started to become bi-curious. My sexual fantasies are all about hugs, kisses or touching someone on tummy, hair, hands, but I never get sexual fantasies where I'm holding boobs, giving a handjob/blowjob or having sex with an individual. I have extremely increased libido, I masturbate usually once a day, but many times in a row. Well, that can depend on the mood. When I'm masturbating I do have fantasies, but none related to sexual stuff nor people. I did give handjobs and let people lick me down there, but only not to ruin the relationship, because I was with a sexual who couldn't control his urges. I don't believe I was abused because I agreed to do all this stuff. Those things, however, left deep emotional scars. And I didn't feel turned on by kisses or sexual touch. The only thing that turns me on is when someone tickles me. I know, it's a weird fetish, but I can't help it. :/

Examples and stories:

Once I got a minicrush on a guy because he talked to me really nicely and was smart. Once I got a minicrush on a guy because he was really close to me on a bus and I felt his warm, soft body touching me. He wasn't good looking, but was really nice and gave my grandmother directions. He seemed patient and helpful/generous. Once I got a crush on a guy because he was really nice to me all the time and got emotionally close with him. We started dating, however, I wasn't THAT close to him to be ready for sexual contact, but I had to do that because I didn't want to lose him. However, I ended up friendzoning him. Once I had a crush on an internet-friend. We had a conversation once and he sent some selfies of him smiling (I never seen him smiling before). After we finished talking, I listened to some music before going to sleep. While listening to music I had wild sexual fantasies and I almost got an orgasm, although I didn't masturbate or anything, I just felt my ovaries exploding. Sometimes I believe this guy is the love of my life, because I never got so close to anyone ever, even if he doesn't like me back. But besides that, I never get sexual fantasies, just sensual ones. I never got emotionally close to anyone in real to the point of wanting sex.

I have literally thousands of naked photos of girls. I didn't look to them all, but I looked at a lot of them. I never got turned on, i found the girls beautiful though. I find pics of vaginas and penises disgusting/boring. I judged whether I like the girls or not by their faces, not bodies. Not one of them could turn me on. When I watch porn, I don't get turned on. I get really bored and I can't wait for it to be over so I can search for another porn that might turn me on, because I always think I didn't find the right one. I also looked at fetish porn, but didn't turn me on. I just think it's boring and I don't understand why do these people want to have sex so badly. I know it's just porn and not real life, but real life people also want sex really badly and all of their lives is about getting laid. It's all nonsense to me.

What label do I fit into? Also, don't send me links, I've already read most of the AVENwiki and I identify as demisexual, I was just wondering if people agree or have anything else to add? What is your opinion about my orientation? What could it be?

[1Eleven1]

Our situations are comparable, though I think yours might be more extreme than mine. First of all, I'm sorry that your sexual experiences have affected you in a scarring and negative way. I know that can be hard to deal with, and I'm sure you'll find there are people that you can talk to about that on here who have similar feelings.

Up until very recently, I thought I was asexual; I've only felt like I could have sex with my current partner because I feel so comfortable with her; most people, if I feel any pressure, I don't want to do anything with them. Perhaps others are putting that pressure on you, and you're also putting that pressure on yourself. I've had less than five crushes in my life as well, and sometimes I also find that I'll get turned on for seemingly no reason. I do have a fetish and experience sexual feelings because of it, but I've never tried watching porn because I know it wouldn't appeal to me. Again, I would say to just not put that pressure on yourself to try and be attracted to things that you don't find attractive. I don't know what label I fit in, either, and I've stopped trying to look for it because I'm happy with where I am. However, I know that can be very important to some people in figuring out where they belong and how they identify, so perhaps someone who has more of an idea can help you out there!

[Erasmvs]

Our situations are comparable, though I think yours might be more extreme than mine. First of all, I'm sorry that your sexual experiences have affected you in a scarring and negative way. I know that can be hard to deal with, and I'm sure you'll find there are people that you can talk to about that on here who have similar feelings.

Up until very recently, I thought I was asexual; I've only felt like I could have sex with my current partner because I feel so comfortable with her; most people, if I feel any pressure, I don't want to do anything with them. Perhaps others are putting that pressure on you, and you're also putting that pressure on yourself. I've had less than five crushes in my life as well, and sometimes I also find that I'll get turned on for seemingly no reason. I do have a fetish and experience sexual feelings because of it, but I've never tried watching porn because I know it wouldn't appeal to me. Again, I would say to just not put that pressure on yourself to try and be attracted to things that you don't find attractive. I don't know what label I fit in, either, and I've stopped trying to look for it because I'm happy with where I am. However, I know that can be very important to some people in figuring out where they belong and how they identify, so perhaps someone who has more of an idea can help you out there!

I'm not disliking sex because I have traumas, I just find it boring and unnecessary in my life, and I felt like this all the time, not only after having bad experiences. I always felt different, and I thought that happened only because I'm more "moral" and stuff, but then I forgot about these "morals" and I learned to respect people whether they practice abstinence or not. However, this doesn't make me like sex more or feel more comfortable about it. I don't think sex is disgusting, it just bores me and I find it unnecessary, and I don't understand what's so exciting about rubbing your genitals to another persons genitals. I don't have any problems with oral though, because I can be extremely sensual. But I don't understand why would you like sex when it's so painful (especially for the girl, idk about men), when there are other ways to stimulate the genitalia and have fun. Sure, these are personal preferences and opinions, I don't want to force them on people or make them think I am right or better, no, I'm just saying I don't understand these things, and I think many asexuals can relate.

[SkyWorld]

Moved thread to The Grey Area.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Co-Mod

[Tea.EarlGrey.Hot]

Okay, here's my input. Sorry this is a little late!

I used to get "minicrushes" on people all the time, but I had difficulty finding the line between platonic and romantic. It turned out that all these "minicrushes" were actually mostly platonic, and the real prospect of a romantic relationship with this person would destroy my feelings. I did sometimes have sensual thoughts for these people as well! Maybe some of these "minicrushes" you get are platonic or at least grey-romantic. (Sometimes my feelings would be brought on by something as simple as a look, also!)

It seems like there are a lot of mixed feelings so I don't think I could throw a label out there for you. But I can offer a couple insights:

-Asexuals can enjoy sex or the thought of sex (because it's stimulation of "feel good" nerves, so people can like it because it feels good). But these people are still fully asexual.

-Sometimes, you can be aroused by the thought of sex or even the thought of a specific person, but in actual practice you would not want to have sex. Perhaps think about this distinction. Maybe that could help you clear things up!

-It doesn't seem like actually performing sexual activities has ever been something you specifically desired over another activity. (In your first post you seem to indicate that.) Asexuals don't have the specific, strong inner urge to have sex with someone and fully carry it out. If you feel like you have felt this "strong inner urge" before, demisexual could be for you.

Sorry, I was tired when I typed this so it could be a little unclear or incoherent but it's too late to stop myself from posting this! Haha hope it helps or something

[Erasmvs]

Okay, here's my input. Sorry this is a little late!

I used to get "minicrushes" on people all the time, but I had difficulty finding the line between platonic and romantic. It turned out that all these "minicrushes" were actually mostly platonic, and the real prospect of a romantic relationship with this person would destroy my feelings. I did sometimes have sensual thoughts for these people as well! Maybe some of these "minicrushes" you get are platonic or at least grey-romantic. (Sometimes my feelings would be brought on by something as simple as a look, also!)

It seems like there are a lot of mixed feelings so I don't think I could throw a label out there for you. But I can offer a couple insights:

-Asexuals can enjoy sex or the thought of sex (because it's stimulation of "feel good" nerves, so people can like it because it feels good). But these people are still fully asexual.

-Sometimes, you can be aroused by the thought of sex or even the thought of a specific person, but in actual practice you would not want to have sex. Perhaps think about this distinction. Maybe that could help you clear things up!

-It doesn't seem like actually performing sexual activities has ever been something you specifically desired over another activity. (In your first post you seem to indicate that.) Asexuals don't have the specific, strong inner urge to have sex with someone and fully carry it out. If you feel like you have felt this "strong inner urge" before, demisexual could be for you.

Sorry, I was tired when I typed this so it could be a little unclear or incoherent but it's too late to stop myself from posting this! Haha hope it helps or something

Thanks! Yes, it helps a lot.

[scarletlatitude]

Remember too that gray-asexual is a big umbrella with lots of people underneath it. You don't have to fit into one neat label if you don't want to. :)

[Erasmvs]

Remember too that gray-asexual is a big umbrella with lots of people underneath it. You don't have to fit into one neat label if you don't want to. :)

I know. I just didn't know if I'm simple asexual, gray-A or demi. I don't like those fancy labels either. :P

Btw I see you're sapiosexual, that's really cool! My friend always tells me she's sapiosexual, but most of the time she likes guys that look good and most of them are incredibly dumb. I also thought sapiosexual meant you like smart people, regardless of gender. So is she really sapiosexual, or just likes it when a guy is smart? I don't think it's the same. And she doesn't fall in love with them because of their brainz, so idk... I think she's just plain hetero, but who am I to label people...

I'm demi/sapiosexual, but only with guys. I usually don't care how smart a girl is, but I prefer her to be average. xD

[scarletlatitude]

Remember too that gray-asexual is a big umbrella with lots of people underneath it. You don't have to fit into one neat label if you don't want to. :)

I know. I just didn't know if I'm simple asexual, gray-A or demi. I don't like those fancy labels either. :P

Btw I see you're sapiosexual, that's really cool! My friend always tells me she's sapiosexual, but most of the time she likes guys that look good and most of them are incredibly dumb. I also thought sapiosexual meant you like smart people, regardless of gender. So is she really sapiosexual, or just likes it when a guy is smart? I don't think it's the same. And she doesn't fall in love with them because of their brainz, so idk... I think she's just plain hetero, but who am I to label people...

I'm demi/sapiosexual, but only with guys. I usually don't care how smart a girl is, but I prefer her to be average. xD

Sapiosexual is a very specific label, yes, but I use it because it describes me so well. I have absolutely zero sexual attraction until I perceive the person to be intelligent. (Yes that is subjective, and yes my "smart" may be different from your "smart".) I suppose it can be used to describe attraction to one gender, both genders, all genders... whatever genders you like. Since sapio is so specific you would need another word to identify which genders you like. That's why I write "heterosexual" just to be clear about it.