"Asexuality: It's my Acethetic"

[HucIllucVagor]

Hey there, beautiful people. I'm doing a 'sex ed' (loosely defined) blog for one of my college courses, and part of it is being able to talk about asexuality, aromantics, and numerous other orientations and topics. I would really appreciate it if you took a time to go and look at the blog and read a post or two, and then maybe give your feedback or thoughts. I'm trying to not only reach out to allosexuals and alloromantics to teach them about asexuals/aromantics, but also to maybe help out some questioning aces as well. Thanks for your time!

Here's the link

And here's a post I did to help clarify different types of attraction

(I'm hoping to have one on aromantics and the various types of non-romantic 'crushes' this upcoming week)

Asexuality: It’s My Acethetic

Posted on June 16, 2015

Our first orientation discussion will be (as mentioned) of personal interest to me. Gather ‘round boys, gals, and all those of other genders because today we will be discussing the magical, mythical, orientation of asexuality. The first thing you should know is the basic definition of asexuality. Surprise! It doesn’t mean we split into two people, or that we’re plants.

Asexuality: Having no sexual attraction to any gender

Ok, we’ve got the basic definition covered, we’ve gone over this, yadda yadda. But what does that mean? On the most basic level, it means exactly what it says it means; asexuals aren’t sexually attracted to anyone regardless of gender. An asexual will never see a person and think, “I want to have sex with them.” I would like to tell you that asexuality is simply not desiring anyone sexually, unfortunately, asexuality is one of the most complex orientations because it isn’t always so cut and dry. As discussed on our attraction post, asexuals have sought out explanations, ways to describe their lack of attraction or very rare attraction, disinterest or interest in sex or all things sexual, their romantic orientations, and their desire for something beyond sex or even romance. Because of this, there is a whole other spectrum of orientation for Aces and Aros. Just as there are the numbers, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5, (consider those sexual orientations) in-between each number are infinitely more numbers, or more orientations, than those most common.

We’ll talk about the ace/aro spectrum in a moment, but in the meantime I want to bring us back to the topic of attractions. Because asexuals are not attracted to people sexually, they are often confused and struggle with the realization of their orientation for a long time. I personally struggled for three years after I discovered that asexuality existed, though I had known for almost three years prior that there was something different about my sexuality (or lack thereof). Because many asexuals do not experience sexual attraction and never have, we have a hard time separating what we do feel, which is often romantic, aesthetic, sensual, and emotional attraction, from sexual attraction and identifying what it actually is.

We have the same doubts as many others (we’ll discuss the doubters, believe me), including, “But I think so-and-so is hot, so I can’t be asexual”, “I want to date them, I want to kiss them, I can’t be asexual”, “I have a partner, so I’m not asexual” and for many, “I like sex so I can’t be asexual”, “I want sex/have sexual urges/get aroused/masturbate so I can’t be asexual”. Here’s the thing that many do not understand until they take time to dissect things (go into an asexual forum sometime, and you’ll see what I mean) that sexual attraction and sexual nature are not connected, just like romantic desire and sexual desire are not the same thing. You can find someone visually appealing, but still be sexually attracted to them. You can be all these things, and still asexual. What ultimately defines you as an asexual is your limited or nonexistent sexual attraction to people.Wanting sex is your body’s response to hormones and urges, but if you don’t want to have sex with a particular person, it’s just a physical response. While many asexual individuals do not want sex, or are sex repulsed, there are still asexuals that do want sex, and it doesn’t make them any less asexual.

It is estimated that roughly 1% of the world’s population (70 million people) are asexual, though some believe it is a higher number since many are unaware that asexuality exists as an orientation.

Recall what we discussed in the previous post about romantic orientations. They don’t always line up with our sexual orientation, and for asexuals this is usually the case. While there are some aromantic (not desiring anyone romantically) asexuals, (just as there can be aromantic allosexuals) there are also bi, hetero, homo, pan, poly, omni, romantic asexuals. I currently identify as heteroromantic, meaning I am romantically attracted to men. Just because I don’t have a desire for sex, does not mean I want no relationship of any sort. This is a common misconception held of asexuals. People assume because some asexuals hold no desire for a sexual relationship, that we are broken, or cold, unfeeling robots. This just simply is not true, and many asexuals hold regular relationships despite their sexuality. As there are some closeted gay individuals in a heterosexual relationship, there too are closeted asexuals in a sexual relationship. Many asexuals (if they recognize their sexuality) will compromise with their partners and engage in sex to please them, but ultimately have little or no interest in the sex themselves. They continue a ‘normal’ relationship to keep their romantic relationship.

Now that you understand a bit of the concepts behind asexuality and the struggles of that identity, let’s go over the ace/aro spectrum real quick.

Allosexual/Alloromantic: Someone who is not on the ace/aro spectrum and experiences sexual/romantic attraction.

Aromantic: Someone who experiences no romantic attraction to any gender

Asexual: Someone who experiences no sexual attraction to any gender

Demisexual/Demiromantic: Someone who does not experience sexual/romantic attraction unless an emotional bond has been formed (though not necessarily even then).

Gray-A/Grayromantic: Someone who experiences sexual/romantic attraction but only very little, very specific circumstances, or not enough to act upon (Also called grayace, graysexual, grayaro, etc.).

Lithsexual/Lithromantic: Someone who experiences sexual/romantic attraction but stops experiencing it or does not enjoy it when it is reciprocated.

This is ultimately just a quick sampling of the most commonly used ace/aro orientations, but the list is always expanding to include new, less common orientations. If you would like to see a full list, I would recommendhttp://arospecawarenessweek.tumblr.com/glossary . They have a great list of terms, mostly for aromantics and arospec individuals, but each prefix can generally be attached to a sexual orientation as well. If you’re curious about aromantics or aromanticism, I would highly recommend browsing their blog.

Now that we’ve gotten this far, I want to address some questions/misconceptions you may have. Don’t lie, you have them. I’ve had them, other asexuals have had them, most people have them in regards to asexuality, and that’s ok. But before you get rude and ask these questions to anyone doubting their asexuality, or who is asexual, you need to know that they’re largely misconceptions and you may have a misunderstanding of asexuality. To prevent an asexual punching you in the face someday, let’s go over some of the most common ‘myths’ and questions towards asexuality.

“Someone hurt you”/ “Who hurt you?/Who abused you?”

First things first, by asking these questions you are implying there is something wrong with me, something wrong with asexuality. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a whole psychology book to be written about what’s wrong with me, but asexuality isn’t it. Also, asking these types of questions, you’re implying that all asexuals must have been abused or have something wrong with them to not like sex, not want sex, or not be sexually attracted to anyone. While some asexual individuals and some sex repulsed individuals absolutely have been abused or hurt and this may be a cause for their sexuality (sometimes referred to as caedsexual/caedromantic under certain situations) this simply isn’t true for the majority of the community. Just like lesbians haven’t been treated badly by men, asexuals likely were not abused to feel the way they do.

“Asexuality doesn’t exist”/ “That’s not a real thing”

You may have been wondering why, at the beginning of this post, I referred to asexuals as ‘magical and mythical’ and this misconception is why. Like bisexuals and pansexuals, asexuals are often told we do not exist and that it’s not a real thing. We must be faking it, or lying to feel like, ‘special snowflakes’ or to gather attention. Asexuals are often told this by others, not only straight people unfamiliar with the LGBT+ spectrum, but from people within the queer community as well. We’ll talk about that next.

“You haven’t met the right person yet”

If that were true, that would make me demisexual or gray-a…and still under the ace spectrum.

“You’re too young/old to want sex anyways”/ “You’re too young to know that”/ “You’ll want sex eventually”

Age has nothing to do with knowing what someone does or does not want sexually. Kids aren’t dumb, once puberty starts gearing up they recognize their interest in sex and start seeing the world sexually. Even in a slow or late blooming puberty, kids are well aware of what they’re interested in. For asexuals, that interest never shows, it never blooms, and we could wait years for it and it would never pop up. There are adults in their ‘sexual prime’ who have never wanted sex, so I don’t feel this is at all justified as an argument.

“You’re gay and you won’t admit it to yourself”

Yep, you caught us. We’re all closeted. Damn our ignorance! Why be asexual and face far more discrimination from people, as well as our own community of queers, when I could have just been gay this entire time?! Why be queer, when I can be queer? Sorry, but it would be a huge relief to a lot of asexual people who have lost a lot of sleep and have stressed majorly over feeling broken and unwanted, to just be gay. Some of us would if we could.

“Your hormones aren’t working right”/ “You need to get your hormones checked”

This is a bit of a tricky thing for asexuals. A lot of research is going into asexuality at the moment, and while some of us have a lower libido or sex drive, there is generally nothing found to be wrong with our hormones. As of yet, there hasn’t been a ‘cause’ found for asexuality. It’s as much of a mystery as the ‘cause’ for gay/bi/pan/omni/poly/trans individuals. That argument isn’t particularly great either, because as we have gone over, some asexual people do have a sex drive and do act upon it, but still aren’t attracted to anyone. Sex drive doesn’t define your asexuality. Generally, even if asexuals are put on hormones or medication to increase sex drive it doesn’t often work. Asexuals experience lower arousal and also less intense orgasms and less neural activity when having sex. It’s much more complicated than hormones. I highly encourage you to look up some of the research going into asexuality, it’s fascinating.

“Asexuals don’t want love/can’t fall in love”

Sex without love exists, shouldn’t love without sex? Unless an asexual falls under the aro spectrum, we desire to be loved, have a relationship and fall in love just as much as any sexual person.

“Asexuals can only date other asexuals”

While it’s overall easier for two aces to date, this is hardly the case. Asexuals can date anyone they have a romantic attraction to, and if they decide to disclose their sexuality (hopefully they do) they can decide what kind of a sexual relationship they want to have, if any at all. This is a little like saying, “Bisexuals can only date bisexuals.” They can date anyone regardless of sexuality, as can asexuals.

“So you’re celibate?”

Celibacy is choosing not to have sex when you have a desire to. Some asexuals hold no desire to have sex, so it’s not much of a choice or a struggle to not have sex. It’s like telling someone to abstain from eating dirt. I don’t have plans to eat dirt, so I’m not really abstaining. As for asexuals who do enjoy or desire to have sex, they’re not abstaining from sex, so asexuality definitely does not equate to celibacy.

“You must be scared of sex”/ “It’s ok to be scared of sex”

Well, personally, I’m writing a blog about sex. I can’t be too scared of it. Again, there are asexuals who have sex, so it’s certainly not a fear we hold, and if it is, that doesn’t necessarily make it a cause for asexuality. Some people are genuinely terrified of sex, and that’s ok, but they can still be sexually attracted to people and not asexual, so it’s certainly not a cause. Some asexuals are repulsed by sex, they find it disgusting or uncomfortable, some are intruiged, but not interested personally, and some love sex. We’re asexual; not afraid of sex. (P.S. It’s absolutely 100% ok to be afraid of sex! It just doesn’t necessarily define your sexuality, though it is common with asexuals.)

“Asexuals aren’t bullied”

I have personally come across far too many people telling stories of coming out to their parents and loved ones and being ridiculed for their sexuality, or being told something’s wrong with them. Asexuals are told they can be changed, sex is a part of life you can’t miss out on, we don’t belong in the queer community, or that we have to fit a certain bill to ‘actually’ be asexual. An assumption is held among our peers that if we’re not getting around with someone of the opposite sex, we must be gay and that is wrong. We get bullied for a sexuality we don’t even identify with. We get told we don’t exist and that we’re lying about the way we feel. We get abandoned by people we love if we won’t have sex with them. If you think for one second that people aren’t bullying asexuals, or asexuals aren’t facing as much discrimination as the rest of the queer community, you are dead wrong.

Finally, we have come to talk about the struggles asexuals face-within their own queer community. Asexuals aren’t the only ones being told by the LGTB+ community they don’t matter, or don’t exist, but we are facing one of the largest challenges of being accepted into that community. I, for instance, would be rejected by a portion of the queer community because I would not be considered ‘queer enough’ (which is ridiculous just saying it out loud) because I am heteroromantic. I don’t face a pressure to come out, and I can blend in quietly with the heterosexual normativity. Because I can go out with a guy and I don’t have to broadcast that I am queer, I do not belong in their community. In their eyes, I am taking away their community by somehow being considered less queer. Worse even, asexuals get told we’re freaks by not having sex at all, by the queer community.

For the asexual community, we’re just barely (this year, seriously) getting accepted as the ‘A’ in LGBTQIA+ instead of allies. The queer community was more prepared to put straight allies on their ‘gaybeecees’ than asexuals, but somehow we’re still not ‘queer enough’ to be accepted by some. We’re just barely getting lumped in with the LGBT+, getting our flag and our name put on websites, tshirts, banners, and being able to march alongside other queer individuals in pride without being harassed. We have to battle to be accepted, not just by the heterosexual community, but by our own community where we’re supposed to feel safe and accepted. We are barely being validated and accepted, and that hurts. That’s hard for people to feel accepted nowhere.

So you may wonder, “What does asexuality feel like? Is it freeing?” It’s honestly really hard to tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the second question. We have never experienced sexual attraction, and most of us don’t necessarily get ‘horny’. We don’t know what it’s like to feel ‘plagued’ by sex or to think about sex constantly, other than to wonder why we don’t want it. Largely, asexuals think (and feel) as sex as something completely alien to them. It literally, does not make sense to us. We will stop and analyze a position in porn or erotica and wonder, “How the hell is that comfortable?” I personally don’t see the point or the excitement about it. There is a whole world of important things to get done, and if I’m enjoying myself cuddling someone and watching movies with them, then why would I want to have sex? It’s something unnecessary to us; something we don’t need. While an allosexual person may feel like they will explode or ‘die’ without sex for a few months, an asexual person could care less. Even an asexual that does enjoy sex, doesn’t feel it is a necessity. They too, can cut off sex and will have lost nothing of real value. We never really understand the classic TV trope of ‘gone x days without sex’ because it just doesn’t matter for us.

We don’t look at naked bodies and feel like, “Oh yeah, I want that!” It’s more of, “So that’s what that looks like. Cool.” It’s more of an anatomy lesson. Even when we find a body aesthetically attractive, we’re still not sexually interested. We don’t fantasize, we don’t get the same sexual experience (see back to “Hormones”), we don’t desire sex, we don’t lust, sex is more mechanical than emotional (if at all), we’re more concerned with porn plot than what’s happening with the porn, we don’t flirt well, etc. Our world is just less interested in sex than your world, that’s all. That’s really all you need to know. Sex is there, and it’s alright, but it doesn’t even make our top 100 list of things to do before you die. It’s lowest priority.

So that’s a little bit of information on asexuality. There are still many areas I haven’t quite touched on, but you’re more than welcome to do a bit of your own research if you choose. A few links I believe are quite handy include,

http://opuschicago.com/2014/10/20/asexual-awareness-week-illustrator-explains-asexuality-in-comic-strip/ (This includes a comic that explains things very well in a very visually appealing way. If you didn’t make it all the way through my post, I recommend this)

http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/here-are-11-biggest-asexual-myths-busted300315

http://www.asexuality.org/home/ (I encourage you to go through the forums, but please do not sign up and post anything unless you are questioning, or feel you may have a loved one or friend that is asexual. AVEN is a close knit community that prefers to stay a largely asexual only community to prevent hostility.)

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-1-about-you/ (This site has some AMAZING explanations, I used a few)

http://cupcakearrow.tumblr.com/acearothings

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Attraction (AVEN wiki is great, and has a few well known bits of research they talk about, that have been done on sexuality and asexuality. You should explore a bit if you’re interested.)

http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/ (This blog addresses mainly questions from the community or people who are questioning. It may give you insight to the community or how some asexuals feel.)

Hopefully those links give you more info if you’re interested. I went through them all and they’re great.

Let me know in the comments or on http://ask.fm/AlyssaErmish if you prefer your comments/questions/concerns to be anonymous and/or hidden; Did this post clear up a few things about asexuality for you? Did my own personal perspective help or hinder the discussion? What are you still confused or unclear on? Have you ever felt any of the described ways before? Are you curious about aromanticism? What confused you about this post? Was there another topic you feel I should expand or discuss more? Was this too long? Was this difficult to read? Were you at any point uncomfortable? Did you enjoy this post? Do you feel other orientation posts should follow this style? Feel free to write as much as you want, and ask any questions; I welcome curiosity and interest with open arms.

Thanks

Alyssa

[CosineTheCat]

Baby, I’m so attracted to you

Posted on June 16, 2015

Let’s talk attraction. To sort of introduce you to the orientations, we’re going to start off slow with the types of attractions. The first thing you should be aware of when we’re discussing things on this blog, is that there are varying levels of attraction. While most people do not have to think about the varying attractions, they can be very important to different sexualities, particularly asexuality. Because asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, they will look to other forms of attraction to identify their feelings and understand their relationships better. For many, it isn’t something that particularly needs to be addressed. Normally, sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual, and emotional attraction are just put into one box as, “Interest” or “Attraction”, but they ultimately work together to do this. Being sexually and aesthetically attracted to someone is great, but you may not want to pursue a relationship with them if you are not romantically or emotionally attracted to them.

It is also important to note that attraction isn’t always a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ situation. There are varying orientations for all attractions, not just sexual attraction. This has been explored mainly by asexual and aromantic individuals who have a need to define their romantic attractions. While someone may not be sexually attracted to anyone, it is entirely possible for them to be romantically attracted, and for those attractions to have an orientation. For example, someone who is not sexually attracted to any gender can be biromantic, or romantically attracted to males and females.

Let’s do a quick rundown of what each attraction is, shall we?

Attraction: Having the quality of arousing interest; being attractive, something that attracts.

Sexual Attraction: Attraction based on sexual desire

Romantic Attraction: Desire for a romantic relationship; attraction based on romantic desire

Aesthetic Attraction: Attraction based on appearance; appreciation for appearance

Sensual Attraction: Emotional or physical desire to engage in sensual acts, or acts involving tactile stimulation (cuddling, kissing, massage, etc.).

Emotional Attraction: Desire for emotional closeness, emotional bonds, or evoking an emotional response.

Now, we have a set of basic definitions, but let’s dive in a little further and examine what each of those means.

Attraction, at its base, is really the desire to be with someone. Without labeling it, it feels like, “I want to be with you and I really like you, but I’m not sure why.” When we label it, we get a clearer idea of why we like someone and why we feel the way we do.

Sexual attraction (a tricky topic for me to properly define for you) is wanting to be with someone sexually. Any other attraction does not need to be present in order for you to be sexually attracted to someone. It is the feeling of, “I really want to have sex right now, but I want it to be with you.” Sexual arousal is the arousal you have to your genitals.

Romantic attraction is wanting to be with someone in a romantic context. You have a crush on them, you want to go on dates, you want to kiss them, and hold their hand. Romantic attraction is the feeling of, “I want to be in a relationship with you.” Romantic arousal is the fluttery feeling in your chest or your stomach.

Aesthetic attraction is simply admiring the way someone looks. For some, aesthetic attraction can spark other types of attraction, but sometimes it is just admiring someone’s good looks. Aesthetic attraction is the feeling of, “Wow, you’re really hot/good looking and I just want to admire how you look.”

Sensual attraction can be a bit of a controversy among the ace/aro community, (we will touch upon it later) but it is (on its own) wanting to be with someone in a platonic way, but still desiring physical closeness with them. This can be important for touch starved individuals who want a physical relationship (sexual or not) but not a romantic relationship. Sensual attraction is the feeling of, “I really want to hug, snuggle, and sleep beside you.” It often coexists alongside other attractions for most people.

Emotional attraction is wanting to be emotionally connected with someone, or admiring someone’s personality. Like aesthetic attraction, being emotionally attracted to someone can sometimes lead to other types of attraction. Emotional attraction can be a variety of things, including, “I love you/I want to love you” and “I trust you”. Once more, emotional attraction like sensual attraction can still fall within the confines of a platonic relationship with someone, though it often exists alongside other attractions.

Now that we’ve covered our types of attractions, I think we’re ready to move on to the types of orientations, don’t you? All the orientations can apply to each of the attractions, but while we can be heterosexual, we can simultaneously be panromantic, biaesthetic, and heterosensual. Though, it is worth noting that orientations are emphasized in sexual and romantic attraction, but not worried over in aesthetic, sensual, and emotional attraction.

Asexual/Aromantic (Also labeled as ace/aro): Those who experience no sexual/romantic attraction to persons of any gender.

Bisexual/Biromantic: Those who experience sexual/romantic attraction to two genders.

Heterosexual/Heteroromantic: Those who experience sexual/romantic attraction to those of the opposite gender than themselves.

Homosexual/Homoromantic: Those who experience sexual/romantic attraction to those of the same gender as themselves.

Omnisexual/Omniromantic: (Debatable definition within the LGBT+ community. Sometimes considered to be the same as pansexual/panromantic.) Those who experience sexual/romantic attraction to people of all genders, regardless of gender.

Pansexual/Panromantic: Those who experience sexual/romantic attraction to people of all genders, regardless of gender (usually based on their personality).

Polysexual/Polyromantic: Those who experience sexual/romantic attraction to multiple, but not necessarily all genders.

These are just the basics, but there are also a wide continuation of gender orientations, and an entirely different spectrum for asexuals/aromantics, but we’ll cover that in a separate post or this will turn into a very long post very, very quickly.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, “So what? What do I care? Why are you posting about this instead of just jumping into each orientation?” Here’s the main point I want you to gather from this:

Sexuality and attraction are fluid, and it isn’t the same thing for everyone.

There are heterosexual individuals who are biromantic, there are heterosexuals who are aromantic, there are many people whose sexualities and romantic orientations line up, but not all. Not only that, but some people only experience attractions in specific circumstances (we’ll talk about those too). Attraction isn’t just sexual attraction and love is more than sex. I want people to be informed and understanding when they come across someone with an orientation they may have never heard of before they read this blog. I want them to consider their own attractions and how they may not fit the normative mold. There is a whole spectrum of identities out there and a lot of people fall into there without realizing it’s something that exists. We can’t just leap into each orientation without an understanding of what they mean and that there are other aspects of that orientation. What fits one person, may not fit the next.

Let me know in the comments or on http://ask.fm/AlyssaErmish if you prefer your comments/questions/concerns to be anonymous and/or hidden; Was there something about this post that surprised you, or that you didn’t know? Did I cover something you would like me to follow up? Were you confused by anything? Have you met any queer individuals, or are you queer/questioning your own identity? Is there something you feel I missed or misinterpreted, or alternatively, was there something here that you misinterpreted in the past that I cleared up for you? Feel free to write as much as you want, and ask any questions; I welcome curiosity and interest with open arms.

[crazyllama]

I don't have much to add to this as I'm new at all this and trying to figure out how I fit in but thank you for the explanations. it just made me feel...so relieved?I don't know but seriously made me want to cry with happiness,its me realizing more that I'm ok and not so messed up.There is a lot of people who argue what is considered ace and where is the line drawn for what, are you "enough"of this or that to be considered whatever variety of things you may be.Kind of like are you ok enough to join the community? they are suspicious of new people which is their right,its hard to be trusting.Thank you for your info.

[HucIllucVagor]

I don't have much to add to this as I'm new at all this and trying to figure out how I fit in but thank you for the explanations. it just made me feel...so relieved?I don't know but seriously made me want to cry with happiness,its me realizing more that I'm ok and not so messed up.There is a lot of people who argue what is considered ace and where is the line drawn for what, are you "enough"of this or that to be considered whatever variety of things you may be.Kind of like are you ok enough to join the community? they are suspicious of new people which is their right,its hard to be trusting.Thank you for your info.

Hey there darling,

you don't have to add anything if you don't want to! I'm so, so overjoyed to hear that I may have just helped, even if it is only a little. I have a lot of doubts everyday (and did for three years prior to now) about my asexuality, so I tried to draw a lot of inspiration from that. I think a lot of people feel the same way unfortunately. There are too many people that are acephobic, gatekeeping, contributing to ace erasure, and overall doubting asexuality that it's hard not to doubt. The bottom line is whether or not we feel sexual attraction and the only ones who can say whether we do or not is ourselves. Screw anyone else's opinion. You are so totally not messed up; none of us are. We're not broken, we're not strange, we're not weird, we're not robots. We're just another part of the spectrum and there's nothing wrong with that.

Again, I'm so glad you liked the post and that it may have helped you. When the class is finished, I'm hoping to focus more on asexuality, so maybe I'll have more in the future.

You're beautiful and amazing,

Alyssa