Suddenly starting to feel "broken"

[if-indeed]

I didn't even know that asexuality was an option when I was first starting to figure out my identity. I thought that everyone was necessarily attracted to some group of people, and while I had a pretty hard time figuring out who I must be attracted to, I didn't think much of it. I tried a lot of things in an attempt to figure this out, and was sexually active for about 3 years. When I finally figured out that I was ace, I never got the "broken" feeling that so many other asexuals seemed to talk about experiencing. I felt okay with who I was and what I was. Even more than that, I felt relieved to finally have a word that could answer the question I'd been wondering for years: why the heck can't I figure out who I'm attracted to? Realizing I was asexual, while it did take me awhile, didn't make me suddenly feel broken or unloveable. I was perfectly fine with being ace, in fact I felt good about myself.

What finally made me feel broken was realizing that I don't want to have sex with anyone anymore. I felt okay about myself as long as I could at least do that, could at least want sex even if that desire wasn't directed at anybody in particular. Now that I'm realizing I don't even want sex (and that I never really did--it was something I kind of thought I had to do, because as far as I knew, everyone wants and has sex eventually, so I just sort of did it), I'm suddenly very very upset about my identity and wish I weren't ace anymore. I know it comes from living in a society where being attracted to people is considered the norm, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy now. I know in my head that I'm not less of a person for not wanting sex, but it's hard to truly believe it. It's sincerely overwhelming and I'm very upset and I have no idea how to respond to any of this. In all my life, I had never before felt like my sexual orientation was something "wrong with me". Now it's as if 20+ years' worth of that feeling is hitting me all at once, and I have no idea how to cope.

[blondie12]

Hi If-indeed

I'm not sure how much help I can be. I'm not sure how old you are and if that plays a part in what you're currently going through. I'm also an Aro Ace. I'm probably way older than you too. The thing is, I didn't discover my identity until about three years ago. Before that, I had been married a few times and helped raise step children. Before I found out I was Ace, I struggled with the feeling of brokenness, especially after my second failures marriage. I figured there was something truly wrong with my and that I was some kind of freak. I was sexually active for most of my life, but have remained celibate after my divorce. If you're young and just starting out with, discovering relationships and intimacy, then find out you're ace, I can imagine you feel like you've been somehow cheated in life. You're just beginning to live life, when it seems it's all over now, wheat as I had my whole life, believing I was a "sexual" person, only to discover later in life that I am not sexual at all and have no romantic attraction to anyone.

I can't advise you what to do, but I know Aven has helped me through my process. There are a lot of young people on this site who. Aye be going thru a similar crisis as you. All I can say is, "don't give up". Stand up and fight for yourself . There is nothing wrong with you, you are a unique and gifted individual, who is smart enough not to let bad thoughts creep into your brain. Be positive, stay positive, and start forming friendships on this site. Also it might help to find a ace meet up group in your area. I hope this helps. Take care.

[if-indeed]

I'm actually almost 30, and only realized I was ace maybe a year ago. I've been married and divorced myself. That's a little bit of it, perhaps--I worry that I'll never be able to have the kind of life I want or the kinds of relationships (by which I mean intense friendships) I want because no one will ever prioritize me over their romantic relationships. I've figured out what kinds of intimacy I would ideally like, but I don't feel like I have any hope of actually finding them and keeping them. I feel lost and a bit hopeless. I may be aro-ace, but I deeply value the relationships I have, and in my experience it's really hard to get the level of reciprocation I desire without me being willing to engage sexually and/or romantically. I don't know how to express the feelings I've been having lately without sounding overdramatic, but like I said, it's very overwhelming and unexpected. But thanks for what you said, it puts things into perspective a little bit.

[Star Bit]

Being Aromantic and Asexual doesn't make you undesirable-- if that's what you're getting at. And you're most certainly not the only one who's that way either. Many Aromantics are satisfied with friends, or close friends, or queerplatonic relationships. Perhaps get some support by joining a meet up in your area. If you don't see one, create your own.

Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): a platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone you platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

[Skycaptain]

I had the opposite experience. I always thought that my disinterest in sex was because I was broken, Being made aware of the concept of asexuality, and the realisation that there is a genuine sexual orientation that I fitted into meant " Yay! I'm not broken, I'm just me and like a whole lot of other people "

So asexuality in my case turned broken into fixed

Edited by me as I had to stop mid-post

[RobPal]

When I first found out about asexuality and identified with it at age 33, I had never had any kind of relationship either romantic or sexual but had always pictured my future as being married and with a family, so it was a huge adjustment to make and I was also very upset about never being able to have that deeper connection that I already have with close friends and family. It took me about a year to start to come to terms with it and another year to confirm to myself that I'm also aromantic. The thing that helped me sort this out most of all was by thinking about life with another in more detail, such as sleeping in bed with someone else, having to consider someone else when making plans or having to go to things that a partner has planned for me, basically sacrificing my independence. I realised that I'm extremely happy in my own company 99.99% of the time and to give that up for the 0.01% of the time I feel it would be nice to have an exclusive companion would not be worth it. So whenever I have those fleeting and extremely rare feelings of loneliness I just think about how much better things are on my own with just close friends family around when I feel like I need some social interaction outside of my working environment.

I don't know if any of that will help you but I thought I'd at least tell you what worked for me.

[if-indeed]

Star Bit, I am aware of QPRs and they sound ideal. However, even though I've had several friendships that fit that description, I was always put aside or lost importance to the person as soon as they found a romantic partner. I don't feel very optimistic about them at the moment. Even the person I'm kinda-sorta like that now recently expressed to me that she's not in it for the long term; just until someone she could start a family with comes along. I'm still trying to process that because it hurt really bad.

RobPal, that's interesting; I had a much easier time coming to terms with being aromantic than I did with being asexual. It felt like a weight taken off of me when I realized that it was okay if I didn't want to deal with all of the expectations and demands of romantic relationships anymore. However, thinking about being asexual, while on the one hand it does feel pretty good to say "I never have to have sex again", on the other hand I feel much worse about not wanting sex than I ever did about not wanting romance. Or maybe what's upsetting to me is knowing I don't want either one, I'm not quite sure. Because in spite of how much I do like the independence of not having to deal with other people when making plans, I sincerely do have needs for companionship (for example, I'd rather travel with a friend than alone). Not to mention the fact that so much of society is built around the idea of partnerships; even living alone has never been affordable for me. I would like stability and companionship in my life, but I feel like what I have to offer isn't enough to keep anyone around, no matter how good a friend I am. I've never had a friend who was willing to prioritize my relationship with them, and I worry that I never will. I feel like my aro-aceness makes me easily replaced with "better models".

[RobPal]

I get what you're saying about having a companion for some things like travelling and to share expenses. Having to travel alone and front the full cost of things is definitely a negative about being ace-aro, but I've slowly come to terms with it. I often drive long distances to visit family and friends, and doing this alone has become something that I sometimes relish as I have often regretted it when I've chosen to travel with others. Having that alone time, even though I have loads of it) is something I feel I need in abundance, possibly due to my introversion. Financially I have some large long standing debts that I'm managing at a very slow repayment term which has allowed me to spend my money on things that make me happy like living alone and saving for special occasions involving visits to family and friends. I also live quite a simple life and being an introvert I don't go out much so don't have many expenses on that basis.If you're more social than me, then it may be that you need to prioritise what's important for you. If that means you need to earn more money by getting a better job, then make a plan to do that.

My main friends now are all in couples who I've got to know one or both and who I drifted slightly from when they went through the early stages of their relationships, but now they come back to me for my flexibility and easy going nature. It's much easier for them to socialise as a couple with me than with some other couples and they value my friendship, as I also value theirs. I might be lucky to have this but I've put a lot of time into these original friendships and keeping them going on an individual then couple basis to get them to where they are now. Any relationship needs both sides to want it to work, but you can't over force these things. There has always been a fair amount of distance in all of these friendships but the fact that we can always pick up where we left off is good evidence that it's strong and will last. So if you have any friends like this, stay in contact with them and be the one who listens to their problems and helps them when all their other friends and too involved in their own relationship dramas. I've found being the third wheel is actually a much better position to be in than we are all led to believe.

[Absol]

I've never had a friend who was willing to prioritize my relationship with them, and I worry that I never will. I feel like my aro-aceness makes me easily replaced with "better models".

I know how you feel there. I'm not entirely sure about my romantic orientation, but I know that I would really like a QPR with someone who feels the same way. (really confused about romantic relationships though... but that's another story) It can be lonely and frustrating, but I think all anyone can do is keep looking and be optimistic. Eventually it'll work out.

Sorry if it sounds cheesy or stupid, but that's what keeps me sane.