Have you ever felt alienated because you are aromantic/asexual?

[Eldritch Abomination]

I always get people saying that I haven't met "the one" or that I should see a therapist. I'm feeling pretty down because I don't know anyone in real life who is asexual. Does anyone else have a hard time relating to others because they don't really see asexual as a "real" orientation? Or am I the only experiencing acephobia? I live in a pretty small town and a lot of people aren't really friendly to the whole LGBT+ movement.

[Vega91]

My friends are all very sexual so sometimes it can be very alienating. Two of them know I'm ace, but even they don't really understand that, no, I never feel sexual attraction. And I haven't even bothered telling them I'm aro. I think it's hard for sexual allies to really understand what it's like to be ace. (And, of course, the same goes for aces, I don't think I'll ever really understand sexual attraction.)

It definitely sucks to have nobody else of the same orientation around.

[zabz]

You're by no means the only one. Asexuality is still very invisible, and of course everybody likes sex. :eyeroll:

I'm the only single person in my department, and I'm in my mid-twenties so obviously it is up to all my young colleagues to try and set me up and ask endless questions about why I'm not hitting up the clubs every night trying to find someone, and up to all my older colleagues to insist I better get moving if I want settle down and have kids and 'be happy.'

Weird thing is, I am very happy with my life when this idiots STFU and go away...

[Eldritch Abomination]

Yeah, I hate it when people say 'but what if you change your mind?' I am completely fine with being single other than people getting involved in my life trying to set me up on blind dates.

[animanova]

I hate it when people call me childish, even if I happen to be much older than them, simply because I say I'm not sexually attracted to anything. Or the fact that my own parents think I'm just too immature to decide my own sexuality, so they must know about my sex life and accuse me of lying when I say I don't have one.

The offers to "convert" me with a penis are just degrading and constant and so are the ones about bestiality. I'm not mentally ill.

As for going along with my romantic orientation, I've been told that I'm a closet homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, etc. Always that I'm either "celibate" or "repressing" myself and don't know the joys and wonders of sex.

Why is it that asexuals aren't allowed to exist? Is it just so unfathomable that others assume it's not real?

It's alienating, being in this world with so many sexuals who don't understand that we're people too.

[EmotionalAndroid]

I definitely feel like the odd-one-out in most things and for most of my life I've always thought of myself as a child, even as an adult. That is why I am especially thankful for this forum where I finally feel like I am a member of something and that I belong. I finally feel like I am not just immature, but I am just a little different and that is okay. I know there are others who are just like me, and that is comforting.

[belovedless]

I can feel very alienated at my church, where there can be a focus on guiding and advising married couples or people seeking to be married. As a celibate aromantic asexual, I am excluded in all of those conversations. This would not be an issue if there was an appropriate avenue to discuss singleness, but alas there is none at my church.

[funnyhousemate]

Well, I've been feeling different, that's for sure. When you see all around you couples who kiss and touch, and friends who recount their last flirt, and book covers, film trailers, advertisements of any sorts with cleavages, fishnet stockings and such, you can't help but notice just how unusual your inclinations are.

The funny thing is, it took me a while to realise it was me to be the unusual one, not the people out there. In my mind it was perfectly natural and obvious to have romantic crushes and the desire to spend time together with no sex involved. Only later I found out people are mostly physical, to the point that sex is the main foundation of the average relationship. It still surprises me, frankly.

So in this respect I feel alienated, like someone possessing a lot of currency which hardly anyone accepts as payment. I don't think of it as a problem with labels, rather as a gap between my needs/expectations and the average ones of the people. Education can only inform people we exist, cannot change their needs and find us a partner.

[an18059]

I've only come out to two people so far, and I haven't really discussed it a huge amount with either of them, but both of them seem to be very supportive. I still kind of feel alienated sometimes though, like when I'm with a group of my friends and they're all talking about that kind of stuff, and I'm the only one who knows I'm asexual. I just feel a bit trapped and confused. I remember one particular time when a couple of my friends were saying how "hot" a guy they had a picture of on their phones supposedly was, and they kept repeating that word over and over. And I just felt completely separated from them because I could see that the guy was good looking, but there was just something missing for me, compared to what they were thinking. I know I'm in a much better situation than a lot of people are, but it can sometimes be kinda sad sometimes when you remember that you're the only asexual person in the room, most likely in the entire building, and everyone else is different to you and experiences something you don't.

[uRBAN_Spaceman]

For me it's been pretty "normal" My friends respect that I identify as Asexual but they still don't quite understand it. I am 29 years old and I find as the years go by it has become a bit harder to keep in touch/stay active with my friends because they are all settling down with their significant others and having families now. I myself am a single father as well but without the relationship issues or sexual issues present in my life I still find quite a bit of free time to go and do the things I enjoy compared to my sexual friends within their relationships. There used to be a big group of us that would ride the trails every summer on our bikes. The past two summers I have literally been by myself because they just haven't had the time. So I don't think it's that I feel I am actively alienated because of my orientation but more so passively alienated if that even makes sense.

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to the Asexual Musings and Rantings forum.

Bipolar Bear

Asexual Q&A Mod

[hypercat]

Hi I feel exactly like you do as it is the same for me where I live. I moved from London where no one cares what you are to a much smaller place and every single one of my friends is in a sexual relationship and most have children. I have never met anyone who is asexual or anyone who I feel would understand it. Mind you it is an issue I am only just beginning to explore - before then I just knew I was different.

Because I don't live with a man a lot of people assume I am gay but I say well in that case I would be living with a woman wouldn't I? I always thought there were only 2 categories - hetro or gay - I am not either, just not interested in a physical relationship with anyone. I do get lust with a man occasionally but still don't want physical contact apart from the kissing and hand holding, but certainly not sex - ugh. The few times I have tried have been a disaster and every single bf has left at that stage. Now I know I am ace and am not alone I am feeling happier and liberated coz I understand at last and it is not my fault.

It's wonderful to have found a site like this. You are not alone. x

[Dodecahedron314]

Sometimes I feel like I'm basically a professional awkward bystander at this point between being triple-A, being introverted, and being really passionate about relatively esoteric subjects (I'm always open to being PMed about theoretical physics...), so I have to wonder if in my case it's more of just the kind of person I am rather than specifically being ace or even aro, though that does definitely have a major role in it, I think (let's put it this way, spending 3 days in a hotel room with 3 females who were all very decidedly and actively neither aro nor ace definitely gave me a bit of alienation, even though I'm pretty good friends with two of them). At this point, I just call myself either Switzerland or a noble gas and generally people understand at least one of those analogies.

[dalekav]

The other day at work...

Coworker "so what do you think of (temp)?"

Me "she works well"

Coworker "no, I mean she's hot right?"

Me "ummm"

When this sort of conversation comes up I always feel alienated, not everything is about sex guys.

[funnyhousemate]

The other day at work...

Coworker "so what do you think of (temp)?"

Me "she works well"

Coworker "no, I mean she's hot right?"

Me "ummm"

When this sort of conversation comes up I always feel alienated, not everything is about sex guys.

See, it still surprises me that girls are viewed as "hot" rather than "cute", "sweet", "nice", "charming" etc. Honestly it really pisses me off. One because girls are people, not bodies; two because I don't see why aesthetics have to be always described in sexual terms. How silly! Is that all you can see in a person? I feel so sorry for those shallow people.

[CrochetFool]

Quite often, yes...I have one good friend IRL who is homoromantic ace, but our work schedules don't allow us to hang out as much as we used to do. I thought my cousin understood, only to find out she just thinks I never finished going through puberty! Bah humbug.

The only person (other than my ace friend) who seemed to "get it" still wanted...well, he knew I wasn't attracted to him THAT WAY, but I made the mistake of saying he was aesthetically pleasing. He kept fishing for compliments, apparently since he knew that was all he would get. I was so glad when he moved away....

[Yona]

I had a friend tell me, "I think you're ace. I won't make fun of you for it, but I don't think it's something you should advertise openly."

I'm not entirely sure how I should take that, but I'm leaning towards "not well". :|

[Cheerful]

I've always felt the odd one out, but with a smug satisfaction knowing that they are busting their asses trying to measure up.

Society has laid it on thick as to the life we are expected to lead, and woe to you if you don't go along with it.

By genes or luck, we Asexuals are just a too smart to fall for it.

That's my take on it, anyway. :)

[uRBAN_Spaceman]

I had a friend tell me, "I think you're ace. I won't make fun of you for it, but I don't think it's something you should advertise openly."

I'm not entirely sure how I should take that, but I'm leaning towards "not well". :|

That actually makes me kind of angry. What exactly is she implying?! I can't really help it but I get pretty angry when sexuals act like you should be ashamed of who you are or that you should hide it. The last person at the bar that said something like that to me about got knocked out. Being ignorant about asexuality is one thing and is easily forgiven. But straight up telling you that.... rude... no its unacceptable. I'm extremely sorry you had to experience that.

[That asexual guy]

I had a friend tell me, "I think you're ace. I won't make fun of you for it, but I don't think it's something you should advertise openly."

I'm not entirely sure how I should take that, but I'm leaning towards "not well". :|

You should tell them they shouldn't advertise their stupidity openly either.

[Melsa]

belovedless, I can SO relate. I actually stopped going to church lately because everyone is so focused on telling people in my age bracket about how to deal with sexual temptation and abstain until marriage. The only things they teach for girls my age is getting ready for marriage or how to live single until I meet "the one". It's so frustrating. I once told someone I didn't experience sexual attraction and I was told I was a late bloomer.

[belovedless]

belovedless, I can SO relate. I actually stopped going to church lately because everyone is so focused on telling people in my age bracket about how to deal with sexual temptation and abstain until marriage. The only things they teach for girls my age is getting ready for marriage or how to live single until I meet "the one". It's so frustrating. I once told someone I didn't experience sexual attraction and I was told I was a late bloomer.

First thing I want to say is, I hope you find a church home that's better for you, or a small group where things can be more personal maybe? My church does irritate me when things are so focused on marriage or getting married or how to be in a successful relationship. I made a joke to what many would call my queer platonic partner: "Over half this congregation go to church for the free marriage counseling." I don't think that's really true, but jokes are funny because they reflect at least an iota of reality.

Anyway, reading the Bible helps me get past the amatonormativity in the Christian church (or in our society in general). Jesus and his disciples were all avid supporters of singleness and celibacy, as is demonstrated in much of Scripture! Reading those words reminds me that I'm not alienated.

[butterscotchwm]

Eh... Two of my closest friends over the past couple years (my ex roommate and my best friend) are pretty sexual... My ex roommate went through a hard breakup at one point and mostly talked about how she just felt "so alone" and how she hadn't had sex in over 4-5 months.... Which to me didn't sound bad at all. Lol. So I couldn't really console her or relate to her at all, for obvious reasons.

And then there were a couple times when they both started talking about giving / receiving blow jobs or something.

Most of the time they're not talking about sex, but when they do it's often kind of alienating.

Woe is me.

[Ronny]

I feel like every single friend I ever make will abandon me. And I feel that as I can't even have a friend who loves me in the way I do them, I'm pretty much going to be alone forever, and there's no point in my life, because I'll never be happy.

I try, try, try so hard to be positive about what I am. But the truth is that I'm alone, and I always will be, and nothing will change that. My Asexuality makes me feel inhuman, to tell you the truth, and it only worsens my suicidal thoughts, because I know my life won't have any happy ending :/

[AsexuallyME]

I'm a sex repulsed asexual introvert (introverted asexual?) in a family comprised solely of people who get married & have kids (In that order - No "unexpected miracles" in THIS family...) & attend every. single. family. reunion because they actually ENJOY the small talk and "bonding"...

And my brother says things like (In reference to somebody who I didn't even know had gotten married, let alone had just given birth): "That's what HAPPENS when you get older. You get married and have kids." Somehow managing to stop JUST short of: "The way that you're SUPPOSED to." or "Unlike YOU." ... But which we BOTH know that he MEANT...

Another thing he once said: "I've been dreaming about coaching my son's Little League team ever since I was 5 years old, just like little girls dream about their wedding day.". Even though he didn't actually say ALL little girls, It was still implied...

And I would have LOVED to retort (To EITHER of those things) with: "Well, It's pretty easy for a cisgendered, heteronormative male to say.", but I KNOW for a FACT that his response would have been: "You need to stop finding made up words on the Internet and go out and LIVE a little..." O_O :/ :/ O_O

Anyway, I SO can't deal with these people being in my life through NO fault of my own, but I HAVE to tolerate them since they're family...

P.S. The ONLY dreams that I have EVER had about my wedding day have been NIGHTMARES; i.e. "HOW do I get OUT of this nightmare without p*****g off my groom, my family who likely PAID for most of it and the guests who showed up?!?!?".

I'm probably just gonna go ahead and make a separate post about ALL of the reasons why NOTHING about the formal wedding procedure appeals to me in a few minutes or so... :o :twisted:

[AsexuallyME]

There's probably some better topic to put this in, but I'm just gonna go ahead...

If I ever DID lose my ever loving mind and get married, It would 100% be an elopement, Justice of the Peace, etc. kind of thing.

A. The Formal Wedding Procedure:

1. I have NO desire to wear a fancy schmancy wedding dress.

2. I have NO desire to wear whatever accessories go along with that: Pantyhose, High heels, Slip, Makeup, Jewelry, etc. .

3. I have one foot that sometimes out of nowhere randomly starts hurting and another one that just randomly falls asleep on me, making it kind of hard to be able to just stand there throughout the whole thing without worrying that I might end up making a fool of myself.

4. I don't do public speaking - So, the whole reciting my vows in front of an entire congregation of people - Just NOT going to happen, EVER, In a MILLION years...

B. The Reception:

1. I don't do small talk - The bride is expected to "make the rounds" doing just THAT with EVERYBODY... Um, NO...

2. I don't dance - The bride is expected to do just THAT with EVERYBODY... Um, NO... (I'm STILL traumatized from being FORCED to dance with my brother at HIS wedding...) :(

3. I neither give speeches nor care to be the subject of speeches - BOTH of which are things that are SUPPOSED to happen...

4. I'm too socially awkward to even do the whole "toss the bouquet" thing properly and would just make a fool of myself... (Again...)

And I KNOW that there are OTHERS that I'm just not coming up with right now...

The thing that REALLY bothers me is the whole: "The wedding day is the HAPPIEST day of a bride's life!!!!!!!!" And, yet, There is ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. WHATSOEVER. about the formal wedding procedure/reception that would make ME even the slightest bit happy... And my Mom would just be like, "That's how people have been getting married for CENTURIES now..." (Which, of course, runs COMPLETELY COUNTER to when I was a kid and she would say, "Just because SO AND SO is doing something/going somewhere/has something doesn't mean that YOU will/need to...") It just BUGS me that people who supposedly care about me and love me would 100% fully expect me to be absolutely MISERABLE on my wedding day which is SUPPOSED to be the HAPPIEST day of my life just because that's how you're "SUPPOSED" to get married... UGH... :/ :(

Again, this post probably would have fit better elsewhere, but it tied into my previous post...

[A lone Tyranid]

I feel very smug about the fact that my social life is missing 75% of the stress of everyone else. None of that relationship BS for me.

I just laugh about it quietly since everyone seems to have the idea that secretly I'm trying to get a Girlfriend whenever I talk to a female, but this just distracts them from my real agenda-to destroy all those who dare oppose me and create my own brilliant utopia! Mwahahahahaha!

[Theoryal]

I definitely feel like an alien at times whenever sex comes up, which is pretty often due to american culture. UG Despite having mainly friends who aren't overly into sex, I still feel so out of it when I'm with a bunch of girls and they start talking about 'hot' celebrities or crushes, and when married friends start making innuendos i feel sooo awkward and like I'm suddenly divided off from the rest of the room by invisible walls.

There's probably some better topic to put this in, but I'm just gonna go ahead...

If I ever DID lose my ever loving mind and get married, It would 100% be an elopement, Justice of the Peace, etc. kind of thing.

. . .

And I KNOW that there are OTHERS that I'm just not coming up with right now...

The thing that REALLY bothers me is the whole: "The wedding day is the HAPPIEST day of a bride's life!!!!!!!!" And, yet, There is ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. WHATSOEVER. about the formal wedding procedure/reception that would make ME even the slightest bit happy... And my Mom would just be like, "That's how people have been getting married for CENTURIES now..." (Which, of course, runs COMPLETELY COUNTER to when I was a kid and she would say, "Just because SO AND SO is doing something/going somewhere/has something doesn't mean that YOU will/need to...") It just BUGS me that people who supposedly care about me and love me would 100% fully expect me to be absolutely MISERABLE on my wedding day which is SUPPOSED to be the HAPPIEST day of my life just because that's how you're "SUPPOSED" to get married... UGH... :/ :(

Again, this post probably would have fit better elsewhere, but it tied into my previous post...

I'm so with you. While I'm actually rather 'romantic' and like fancy dresses I've always disliked weddings for most of the reasons you mentioned and then some. To me what matters is the words that pass between just you and the person you love, you don't need all those witnesses and expensive foofaah to make a commitment to each-other. So when it came to it I refused to have a wedding and did a quick little spontaneous thing just to get the official papers done and all that.... and it kind of blew up in my face with everyone being so offended and hurt when they found out after the fact. I hate that I hurt my mom, but I still don't regret not having to sit through an excruciating toast by my father or deal with the crowd of random people my family would insist needed to be invited etc.

[DexM]

I felt alienated long before discovering and understanding my asexuality. Joining AVEN, seeing there were many more people like me and being able to bounce things off of them, helped me tremendously and I doubt I will ever feel that way again.

[Unbroken]

When I was in my 20s, it seemed like everyone was getting married & having kids, and as soon as my friends "found the one" they quit hanging out with friends. And a lot of activities, although one could go alone, are much more fun when shared - concerts, festivals, etc., even eating out at a nice restaurant. It seems impossible for me to find someone to go & do things with, where they're not interested in you-know-what. So Ronny, I know what you mean when you say you feel like every single friend you make will abandon you, because that's pretty much been my life story. I do like living alone and having that freedom and feeling true-to-myself, so I supposed the trade-off (maybe just for me?) is being alone/lonely. All things considered, it's a better alternative than being not true-to-oneself.