Could my husband be asexual and not know it?

[Mietsiekat]

Hi everyone. I am new to AVEN.

I came across AVEN this morning in my continuous search of answers for what happened to my husband. Any form of advice, ideas and answer are welcome, and I appoligize in advance for this very long post! I just feel that the more everyone knows the easier you will be able to tell me whether my husband could be asexual.

My husband and I met in 2011 at church and from the get go both of us knew that we were meant for each other. Things started off slow and we only shared a kiss after the first few dates. He was the gentleman I had prayed for as he assured me that he was there for me and nothing more. One evening after a steamy make-out session I had noticed that there was not an erection to speak of and I found that quite weird, seeing as most 28 year old males did not respond to me in such a way. I was 22 at the time. After three months of dating we had sex for the first time and it was great although it only lasted a few minutes. I realized there that this man was a passionate lover as foreplay and partner satisfaction was very important to him. Sex was quite regular after that...regular meaning between 1 and 3 times per week(though a bit more to 3) as well as multiple times on the rare occasion. We got engaged 7 months after that and the sex was still going strong. He used to tell me that once we got married he won't be able to keep his hands off me, and the thought kind of got wedged in my mind, obviously I couldn't wait.

Before I get to my problem, I have to confess that I married a wonderful man who was perfect in every way. People adored him and never my parents took to him immediately.

So about 4 months before the wedding one night I got into bed and told him a weird thought occurred to me, and that we haven't had sex in more than two weeks. He told me not to read too much into it as we are both exhausted from work and wedding planning and stress. So it obviously didn't bother me even though it kept on becoming less and less. On our wedding night we had sex and 3 times on our honeymoon of two weeks. We got back and stayed with my parents for three weeks while we were waiting for our house to be evacuated and cleaned. So we moved in just after a month of being married and from there on I feel like I live in a sexless marriage.

At first about three months after moving in I sat him down and spoke to him about the fact that he suddenly doesn't share a couch with me when we watch tv(he used to lie on my lap or hold me tight), the fact that sex has become as infrequent as once every 4 - 8 weeks and that he suddenly feels the need to get drunk every time he has a drink! Well here I heard the first excuses and from there on to this day nothing has changed.

I am 5.2 (short) and I am athletic. I am also by no means a nympho as sex more than 3 times a week would be too much. I'm very intelligent and good looking, so I could not understand what would set off his aversion to sex.

We have had the sex conversation a hundred times and excuses are the following for him not initiating anymore:

1. We are tired from moving and the festive seasons entertaining(the festive season passed, nothing changed)

2. how can you want to have sex with someone who fights with you all the time(the only thing we fight about is the no sex)

3. How is he supposed to have sex when a dog and cat sleep in the bed(they got moved to the floor)

4. He doesn't know what is wrong with him

5. And the latest last Saturday in a drunken state he told me that I just want to have sex 6 times a week and he doesn't as he doesn't like it.(which isn't what I asked for)

So at this point my self esteem is smashed, my emotions are all over the place, I have developed a sex obsession to the point that it's all I think about, I feel like a beggar for always having to ask for sex and then get an answer like not tonight, I feel fat and I disgust myself. I have tried initiating, wearing lingerie to bed sleeping in nothing but panties. I would walk around naked and he would not even look up.

He has been to a doctor and they couldn't find anything with either testosterone or illness to be the cause. So his next checkup is due this week and last night we had a talk about it again. He says he doesn't know what's wrong and seeing as it's not physical it must be mental. He just doesn't have any need for sex. He doesn't watch porn and as far as I know he doesn't masturbate. He says it has nothing to do with me because to him I'm still beautiful. We have only showerd together once as he always closes the bathroom door.

He still holds my hand, cuddles me in bed and kisses me, but that's where it ends.

I don't know whether to leave or stay...I don't know what is wrong with him and if it could be an asexual thing I would be able to process it better. I have done everything I could think of...he loves long hair, mine is almost at the waist now, he loves my big eyes so I do make-up to accentuate them EVERY day.

Obviously we don't have kids yet..he is 31and I am 26 at this point. I want kids but don't know where I will get them from.

I don't know what to do next.

So please everyone give me your input. Could my husband be asexual.

Thank you!

XXX

[Someone Else]

For the longest time, I never suspect that I didn't really care about sex. I was attracted to women, physically and emotionally, so I never guessed that sex wasn't a big deal. I just assumed attraction meant sex. It doesn't necessarily. So, maybe.

[LadyWallflower]

Have you asked him if he wanted to have sex with you before your marriage when you both were sexually active? Was he faking it, and now that he is secure in his relationship with you (because you are married) he is no longer faking it? If he did desire sex then, but suddenly is not now that you are married, he may not be asexual. But if he has never desired sex, and he was faking it before, then I think there is a good chance he is asexual. He is the only one who can define himself, though.

[Lady Girl]

He is the only one who can say if he is asexual. It's one of those things that each person has to decide for themselves...none of us can decide that for another person. You might show him the About Asexuality FAQs on the Front Page of AVEN and ask him to read through it to see if he can relate to it.

Regardless of whether he does identify as asexual or not, you probably need to resolve the sexual disparity between you two somehow. You have a few options and talking about what you are going to do is probably top of the list. A compromise might be worked out (frequency, what acts are involved, who initiates, etc.), but you'll want to remember that it might not be set in stone and a might need to be reworked every so often (it also might fall to the wayside completely).

Living the way you are probably isn't healthy for either of you, so accepting that things aren't going to be the way you hoped and working out some type of acceptable arrangement is one option. Obviously, you also have the option of splitting up, which even if you don't want that, might ultimately be for the best.

I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling bad about yourself. I've been there. I wish I could offer brighter advice, but people are complicated and sexual disparity in a relationship is something each couple has to deal with in their particular way. I hope things get better soon.

[Lucinda]

that he suddenly feels the need to get drunk every time he has a drink!

Is he drinking by himself or does he have friends over?

I want kids but don't know where I will get them from.

Does he want kids? I mean, does he really want kids?

Lucinda

[Keels]

In response to the question in the title: Yes, absolutely. I didn't "know" I was asexual until my mid-forties, after 8 years of marriage and a kid. ("Know" in scare-quotes because I still don't feel like I really know, but I do think it's a pretty good explanation for how I feel and have acted.)

The marriage is rocky for any number of reasons, but the sexual issues certainly don't help. :(

I hope you can move your thinking away from believing that it's your fault. It's abundantly possible that it's not your fault; it could very well be that he's asexual and just has no desire/drive to have sex. In my case, I've always had sex at the beginnings of relationships, but (I now realize) it's never been because of innate, gut-level sexual desire. The motivations were always different: getting to know the other person, having intimate contact, engaging in a shared experience/"project" with them, proving that the relationship was actually a thing and was moving forward, just having fun. Over time, most of that set of motivations diminish or get replaced in any relationship (IMO), and in my case at least, there's no innate sexual desire to keep the sex happening.

I'm trying to look for a marital therapist; I hope that option is available to you as well.

Good luck. :/

[Mietsiekat]

Hi all...thank you for your replies.

I spoke to the hubby last night and said that I came across something I would like him to read as this could also be a possibility.

I showed him the intro page and he did some further research by himself.

He seems to think that he likely identifies in the gray area...but he says he is not very comfortable with the idea of feeling like he cant do anything about it, because he wants to. He had tears in his eyes as he explained that he now feels like he's not normal and he will not sit back and just keep on going the way he is. He has to change. I explained to him that I would not stand for him changing himself for me and force him into doing things he doesn't want to. He said he wants to do it for me.

He explained that as a kid yes he did have sexual urges but not as bad as the other people around him but also that it didn't bother him to not have it(sex).

In reply to questions:

As far as sex before marriage he said yes he wanted to(but I never asked whether he enjoyed it)athough he said he never faked it.

The drinking thing...aargh yes...well...

When the two of us enjoy a drink together on our own he is sweet and never goes as far as to get smashed. He does not drink by himself but when he gets together with friends(he has many friends from different social groups,but all of them drink) he doesn't know when to stop. Whether it's at home, after golf at the club house, with his boss(who has been a friend of his since school), he literally gets so drunk that when he speaks to me nothing makes sense whatsoever. Sometimes he is the nice drunk who wants to feel me up in bed(I hate it but he says it helps his self confidence in the sexual department) other times he argues or becomes the angry drunk.

As far as kids go...according to me yes he definitely wants them. He talks about things he would love to teach the kids or do with them. We agreed that we have to sort these issues out first before having kids but I do believe he wants them.

He wants to work at 'getting better'.

So now I am a bit confused as to what to do. Can he change if he wants to? I'm not sure I completely understand the gray aspect of things.

I can honestly say I don't have a problem with the idea as such it's just that I don't know if I can live like this. I don't know how to convince myself it's not because of me.

Once again thank you for the kind words of wisdom.

XXX

[I'd rather be in band.]

It's good that he has a better idea of who he is, but I'm sorry to hear he isn't taking it well.

[TooOldForThis]

Well, if he's asexual or grey-asexual he can't really change his orientation. That said, he (or the two of you) could try changing up your strategy and thus making things better for you both. As you can see if you browse this site, quite a number of people have managed to maintain happy asexual-sexual relationships.

You could ask him if there is any particular type of sexual activity he's more comfortable with that you also find satisfactory. Maybe he'd be okay with using his hands, or using a toy, or something else. If you found something which he didn't mind doing which also worked well for you, that might solve the issue.

I don't know if either of you have considered this, but you could try an open relationship - wherein you remain romantically committed to one another, but maybe you have sex with other people outside the relationship, with his knowledge and consent. If one or both of you aren't entirely comfortable with the idea, however, don't just do it because you can't think of anything else; open relationships in which not everyone is happy with the openness invariably turn out badly.

Of course you could also split up, but it sounds like neither of you wants that, so you could definitely try out other stuff first. A marriage counselor might be a good idea, provided you find one who knows about and understands asexuality - there are too many stories of asexuals going to marriage counselors who tell them that there's something wrong with them or whatever, so be careful if you go on this route.

About the drinking thing, he could also try therapy for that. If it's already a problem, it might just become worse and that could throw a whole new wrench into the relationship.

And a few words of reassurance: there's nothing wrong with either of you. It's completely normal to want sex from someone you love. It's also completely normal to not want sex, even with someone you love. If he's asexual, then his not wanting sex with you has nothing to do with whether he finds you attractive, which it sounds like he does! It also has nothing to do with whether he loves you, which it definitely sounds like he does - and it sounds like you love him back. The fact that you both want to try and work to stay together says a lot about how committed to each other you are. I hope that you find out some solution which makes you both happy, and also that you both can feel good about yourselves.

[ellastokes]

As for the "faking it not asexuality" thing, I believe sexuality is fluid, and it could have just been a natural shift--from feeling the physical and unconscious bodily desire for sex with a particular gender, and then for a particular people, to just not feeling need to have sex at all.

This isn't personal at all, btw. I'm not sure how to convince you of this. Just like it isn't personal if a man is gay. It's not that he has anything against women, it's just that is how he is born. Attraction is just this internal thing that we don't have control over. We can't help if we're attracted to certain genders, or! to no genders at all.

Just remember that....this is an orientation. You have nothing to do with him not wanting sex.

[jimerman]

to answer your question ... maybe. i truly believe that asexual people like me are the largest in the LGBTIA community but nowone knows it is a thing. it sounds like he may be but i can not say anything on his behalf the only way you can find that out is by talking to him. i might say that you saw this on TV or something just to bring in up in a nonchalant kind of way.