confused about myself - Any help?

[aforestfae]

Hi, I'm new and joined in the hopes of learning about asexuality and eventually understanding myself.

I'm sorry this might be very long and confusing I hope I've posted in the right area and I hope I don't irritate anyone with this.

I'm 21, I've never had a relationship or felt sexual, sensual or romantic attraction to anyone (irl). Initially I thought I was just average hetero as I was confusing aesthetic attraction and libido for sexual attraction.

I'm now thinking Grey-A or Demisexual and Demiromantic but the more I research and think about it the more confused I become.

I've only ever felt aesthetic attraction towards people but I've felt sexual, sensual and romantic attraction to film characters. They become my obsession, one character crush at a time, I tend to feel a connection with the character as well as aesthetic attraction, which leads to what I believe to be sexual attraction, sensual attraction etc formed through a fictional bond.

I also presume I'm not completely asexual (and this could be due to a misunderstanding of asexuality or may be correct to presume so) as I do desire to one day have a sexual relationship, but only with someone I'm married to, one person in my life that is someone I have a very strong emotional/spiritual/mental connection with (I hope this makes sense)

But I don't know if it really counts, I've never found a real person I wanted to be with, I feel like I could only really want to be with someone if I knew them well enough, but this is only really based on guess work.

I do know that I can be almost repulsed by a certain 'type' the aesthetics and attitude of someone can cause a strong enough reaction in me to notice it, but I've barely ever felt a positive reaction towards someone in the same way, it's happened maybe once or twice but it was more of a 'wow you look really nice I'd like if you liked me' and sometimes may only happen one time and lessen as I see the person more, where as the repulsed reaction can happen quite a few times and doesn't lessen so quickly.

I also have a bad habit of sometimes, if I am lead to believe someone likes me, to like them more back, which I hate doing.

Anyway, If you've managed to read all my confused ramblings, can you help me clear up my confusion?

Thank you :)

[JohnDoe1995]

If you only find fictinal characters sexually attractive, you,might want to check the term "fictiosexual". It's a sub-identity of gray-asexuality.

[aforestfae]

If you only find fictinal characters sexually attractive, you,might want to check the term "fictiosexual". It's a sub-identity of gray-asexuality.

Do you know of a resource about this? I tried googling and didn't seem to find much information

[TheUltimateNerd]

I am also new. I'm 15 and I know that I am asexual and heteroromantic. I have multiple friends of different orientations, one of them is bisexual and constantly tries to turn me on. How do I explain to him that I feel nothing. I have know about my orientation since I was 12

I am also new. I'm 15 and I know that I am asexual and heteroromantic. I have multiple friends of different orientations, one of them is bisexual and constantly tries to turn me on. How do I explain to him that I feel nothing. I have know about my orientation since I was 12

[TheUltimateNerd]

Also, I've been watching star vs the forces of evil. Great show, but I 've been obsessing over the main male character, I don't feel an attraction, rather, a desire to BE him. What is this?

[aforestfae]

Hi, I'm new and joined in the hopes of learning about asexuality and eventually understanding myself.

I'm sorry this might be very long and confusing I hope I've posted in the right area and I hope I don't irritate anyone with this.

I'm 21, I've never had a relationship or felt sexual, sensual or romantic attraction to anyone (irl). Initially I thought I was just average hetero as I was confusing aesthetic attraction and libido for sexual attraction.

I'm now thinking Grey-A or Demisexual and Demiromantic but the more I research and think about it the more confused I become.

I've only ever felt aesthetic attraction towards people but I've felt sexual, sensual and romantic attraction to film characters. They become my obsession, one character crush at a time, I tend to feel a connection with the character as well as aesthetic attraction, which leads to what I believe to be sexual attraction, sensual attraction etc formed through a fictional bond.

I also presume I'm not completely asexual (and this could be due to a misunderstanding of asexuality or may be correct to presume so) as I do desire to one day have a sexual relationship, but only with someone I'm married to, one person in my life that is someone I have a very strong emotional/spiritual/mental connection with (I hope this makes sense)

But I don't know if it really counts, I've never found a real person I wanted to be with, I feel like I could only really want to be with someone if I knew them well enough, but this is only really based on guess work.

I do know that I can be almost repulsed by a certain 'type' the aesthetics and attitude of someone can cause a strong enough reaction in me to notice it, but I've barely ever felt a positive reaction towards someone in the same way, it's happened maybe once or twice but it was more of a 'wow you look really nice I'd like if you liked me' and sometimes may only happen one time and lessen as I see the person more, where as the repulsed reaction can happen quite a few times and doesn't lessen so quickly.

I also have a bad habit of sometimes, if I am lead to believe someone likes me, to like them more back, which I hate doing.

Anyway, If you've managed to read all my confused ramblings, can you help me clear up my confusion?

Thank you :)

Does anyone else experience similar a similar thing?

Is it just purely down to lack of experience?

[aforestfae]

If you only find fictinal characters sexually attractive, you,might want to check the term "fictiosexual". It's a sub-identity of gray-asexuality.

I can't find a decent resource for this, perhaps someone could clear it up?

I find I 'fall' for the fictional character, then love/obsess over the celebrity and look for someone that is similar in appearance, I have ended up with long, irritating crushes on people because their appearance reminded me of the celebrity/character (personality never came into it, I was just pushing my fantasies onto someone real, even though they weren't any more 'available'), it makes me feel very superficial and guilty but it's not like I intentionally do it, my mind just goes 'oh hey he looks kind of like my current celeb/character crush...if you squint...' Which then becomes maybe they'll be what I'm looking for, maybe they will fit the ideal in my head, maybe they'll like me. Maybe I'm just never going to find someone who lives up to my expectations, but I'm not intentionally having these unobtainable standards, I can't seem to break them either.

[Guest]

If you only find fictinal characters sexually attractive, you,might want to check the term "fictiosexual". It's a sub-identity of gray-asexuality.

I can't find a decent resource for this, perhaps someone could clear it up?

I find I 'fall' for the fictional character, then love/obsess over the celebrity and look for someone that is similar in appearance, I have ended up with long, irritating crushes on people because their appearance reminded me of the celebrity/character (personality never came into it, I was just pushing my fantasies onto someone real, even though they weren't any more 'available'), it makes me feel very superficial and guilty but it's not like I intentionally do it, my mind just goes 'oh hey he looks kind of like my current celeb/character crush...if you squint...' Which then becomes maybe they'll be what I'm looking for, maybe they will fit the ideal in my head, maybe they'll like me. Maybe I'm just never going to find someone who lives up to my expectations, but I'm not intentionally having these unobtainable standards, I can't seem to break them either.

I don't think it exist any decent resource for it, fictiosexual is probably one of those labels that someone made for themself because it suited them and then others have tagged along, but way too few for it to be any actual information page about it. It is pretty simple though, if you don't feel sexual attraction to anyone but fictional characters it's probably safe to call yourself fictiosexual if you want to.

I used to call myself fanmantic (fantasy-romantic) because I only seemed to experience romantic feelings towards made up people in my head (and sometimes people in books). I've later realized that it was not romantic feelings so I changed the label to aromantic, no reason to make it confusing. However, I would get those little "crushes" (should call it "squishes" since it is aromantic but I have never liked that word) on people because they resembled people in my head, those feelings would quickly die since they are not the people in my head (just saying that I kinda know what you mean/experience).

I can link the thread I made a few years ago, I still confused the feelings as romantic at that time, but yea, just replace romantic with sexual and aromantic with asexual and it should pretty much be the same as your situation xD

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/87372-just-a-little-question-to-people-who-knows-about-these-stuff/#entry2417796

[aforestfae]

If you only find fictinal characters sexually attractive, you,might want to check the term "fictiosexual". It's a sub-identity of gray-asexuality.

I can't find a decent resource for this, perhaps someone could clear it up?

I find I 'fall' for the fictional character, then love/obsess over the celebrity and look for someone that is similar in appearance, I have ended up with long, irritating crushes on people because their appearance reminded me of the celebrity/character (personality never came into it, I was just pushing my fantasies onto someone real, even though they weren't any more 'available'), it makes me feel very superficial and guilty but it's not like I intentionally do it, my mind just goes 'oh hey he looks kind of like my current celeb/character crush...if you squint...' Which then becomes maybe they'll be what I'm looking for, maybe they will fit the ideal in my head, maybe they'll like me. Maybe I'm just never going to find someone who lives up to my expectations, but I'm not intentionally having these unobtainable standards, I can't seem to break them either.

I don't think it exist any decent resource for it, fictiosexual is probably one of those labels that someone made for themself because it suited them and then others have tagged along, but way too few for it to be any actual information page about it. It is pretty simple though, if you don't feel sexual attraction to anyone but fictional characters it's probably safe to call yourself fictiosexual if you want to.

I used to call myself fanmantic (fantasy-romantic) because I only seemed to experience romantic feelings towards made up people in my head (and sometimes people in books). I've later realized that it was not romantic feelings so I changed the label to aromantic, no reason to make it confusing. However, I would get those little "crushes" (should call it "squishes" since it is aromantic but I have never liked that word) on people because they resembled people in my head, those feelings would quickly die since they are not the people in my head (just saying that I kinda know what you mean/experience).

I can link the thread I made a few years ago, I still confused the feelings as romantic at that time, but yea, just replace romantic with sexual and aromantic with asexual and it should pretty much be the same as your situation xD

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/87372-just-a-little-question-to-people-who-knows-about-these-stuff/#entry2417796

I'm not sure I like the fictisexual/fanmantic kind of terms for me, I don't know if it's just an unwillingness to accept it or not, I just fear that it's too narrow and by limiting myself like that I prevent myself from any future relationships because I've convinced myself I'll never feel anything other, which I do want, I do hope to fall in love with a real person, not apply a fictional characters appearance to my ideal personality. I do fear it's never going to happen.

I keep expecting someone to just appear one day that appeals to me, even if it takes a little time to develop more than aesthetic attraction

And thank you for linking to the thread you made, I will have a look through it, see if it helps me :)

After having read through some of the responses I can also say I have the whole fantasy world in my head, I want it to be real and I kind of look for it in real life, which leads to an awful lot of disappointment, but it seems to be the only way I get what I actually desire

Edited February 12, 2015 by aforestfae

[Guest]

I'm not sure I like the fictisexual/fanmantic kind of terms for me, I don't know if it's just an unwillingness to accept it or not, I just fear that it's too narrow and by limiting myself like that I prevent myself from any future relationships because I've convinced myself I'll never feel anything other, which I do want, I do hope to fall in love with a real person, not apply a fictional characters appearance to my ideal personality. I do fear it's never going to happen.

I keep expecting someone to just appear one day that appeals to me, even if it takes a little time to develop more than aesthetic attraction

And thank you for linking to the thread you made, I will have a look through it, see if it helps me :)

After having read through some of the responses I can also say I have the whole fantasy world in my head, I want it to be real and I kind of look for it in real life, which leads to an awful lot of disappointment, but it seems to be the only way I get what I actually desire

There is no need to use labels, they are mainly around to help people, so if you dont feel comfortable with it, don't use it :P

I liked having that label, mainly because it felt so right and gave some hope about me actually being romantic. But I agree that having a weird label isn't always fun, and in my case I just had to realize what I really am; aromantic.

I still like to dream about a future relationship, a perfect one like in my head, so I still don't dismiss the thought. And what do I know, maybe I'll meet some super-fancy person that I enjoy being around enough to live together with in the future, one does not need to be sexual or romantic for that.

[aforestfae]

I'm not sure I like the fictisexual/fanmantic kind of terms for me, I don't know if it's just an unwillingness to accept it or not, I just fear that it's too narrow and by limiting myself like that I prevent myself from any future relationships because I've convinced myself I'll never feel anything other, which I do want, I do hope to fall in love with a real person, not apply a fictional characters appearance to my ideal personality. I do fear it's never going to happen.

I keep expecting someone to just appear one day that appeals to me, even if it takes a little time to develop more than aesthetic attraction

And thank you for linking to the thread you made, I will have a look through it, see if it helps me :)

After having read through some of the responses I can also say I have the whole fantasy world in my head, I want it to be real and I kind of look for it in real life, which leads to an awful lot of disappointment, but it seems to be the only way I get what I actually desire

There is no need to use labels, they are mainly around to help people, so if you dont feel comfortable with it, don't use it :P

I liked having that label, mainly because it felt so right and gave some hope about me actually being romantic. But I agree that having a weird label isn't always fun, and in my case I just had to realize what I really am; aromantic.

I still like to dream about a future relationship, a perfect one like in my head, so I still don't dismiss the thought. And what do I know, maybe I'll meet some super-fancy person that I enjoy being around enough to live together with in the future, one does not need to be sexual or romantic for that.

I don't think I'll use those labels, they aren't what I feel comfortable with so very little point in applying something I don't like to myself

I can see how it would be useful for others though :)

I'm still leaning toward demi (sexual and romantic) or just grey-a based on the very limited experience I have, but it does make it difficult, I believe I am completely capable of being romantically interested in someone once I get to know them and find that connection, but I could be deluding myself and never feel anything, I think only experience and time will tell.

[Guest]

I don't think I'll use those labels, they aren't what I feel comfortable with so very little point in applying something I don't like to myself

I can see how it would be useful for others though :)

I'm still leaning toward demi (sexual and romantic) or just grey-a based on the very limited experience I have, but it does make it difficult, I believe I am completely capable of being romantically interested in someone once I get to know them and find that connection, but I could be deluding myself and never feel anything, I think only experience and time will tell.

Yeah, I agree. Time and experience (both or one of them) will probably make it more clear, it sure did for me (+ some deep thinking). No need to rush it anyway :P

Good luck!

[aforestfae]

I don't think I'll use those labels, they aren't what I feel comfortable with so very little point in applying something I don't like to myself

I can see how it would be useful for others though :)

I'm still leaning toward demi (sexual and romantic) or just grey-a based on the very limited experience I have, but it does make it difficult, I believe I am completely capable of being romantically interested in someone once I get to know them and find that connection, but I could be deluding myself and never feel anything, I think only experience and time will tell.

Yeah, I agree. Time and experience (both or one of them) will probably make it more clear, it sure did for me (+ some deep thinking). No need to rush it anyway :P

Good luck!

Thank you :)

Deep thinking seems to be all I do lately, perhaps everything will click into place when I least expect it

[CharmVif3075]

Oh dear, I know exactly how you feel.

I've definitely found a few guys irl aestheticly pleasant, a few crushes maybe; but I've never experienced the same attachement than I have towards fictionnal characters. I wouldn't say I'm sexually attracted to those characters though, only romanticly or spiritually or something like that + the aesthetic part.

Like you, I used to think (still do) that I had way too high standards and that it was why I wasn't attracted to anyone.

But I don't think that's it anymore; because a character can be flawed and complex and I'd still like them so very much. And like you, I think I could like somebody irl, if it were the person for me. As I said, I had a few crushes, guys I would have liked to be with. I wasn't sexually attracted to them though, and I think I have had less crushes in 20 years of lifetime than the average person did (also no relationships).

Which is why I am wondering if I'm asexual, grey-a or demisexual and whether I'm demiromantic or not.

[aforestfae]

Oh dear, I know exactly how you feel.

I've definitely found a few guys irl aestheticly pleasant, a few crushes maybe; but I've never experienced the same attachement than I have towards fictionnal characters. I wouldn't say I'm sexually attracted to those characters though, only romanticly or spiritually or something like that + the aesthetic part.

Like you, I used to think (still do) that I had way too high standards and that it was why I wasn't attracted to anyone.

But I don't think that's it anymore; because a character can be flawed and complex and I'd still like them so very much. And like you, I think I could like somebody irl, if it were the person for me. As I said, I had a few crushes, guys I would have liked to be with. I wasn't sexually attracted to them though, and I think I have had less crushes in 20 years of lifetime than the average person did (also no relationships).

Which is why I am wondering if I'm asexual, grey-a or demisexual and whether I'm demiromantic or not.

I don't know if I actually experience sexual attraction, I think it is but after the bond has formed in my mind with the character, I know if they dropped into my life it wouldn't be there, the romantic desire would, but not the sexual attraction, I'd need to properly know them as an individual, outside of my dream world.

The thing that made me really consider demi was that, in demi it's often said you fall for them and they become the only one for you, which is how my fictional crushes work, them and only them until the obsession fades.

You have a really good point about the high standards, I'd never thought how the character had flaws and what not so thank you :)

I wondered about cupiosexual/romantic, came across that one time but it didn't feel quite right for me, although it may fit fairly well.

I also have had fewer crushes that the 'average' person.

But it is such a confusing, complex thing to understand.

Good luck with figuring yourself out :)