Anybody sometimes feel like you're lying to yourself about being ACE?

[binary suns]

[Keels]

Well, I know I'm ace for sure because I don't experience sexual attraction. That's one thing I'm certain about myself. However, I do doubt whether or not I would enjoy sex. I think I would. But then again I think I that because most people make sex out to be the best thing ever. I'm not sex-repulsed by the way. So yeah, I do wonder if I could build a connection with a guy--not necessarily experience attraction--then maybe I would eventually want and enjoy sex with him.

This has been my experience. I'm not sex-repulsed, and I've had fun, happy sex at the beginnings of relationships. Eventually, though, it's always dwindled down to nothing, to the confusion and (sometimes) heartache of all involved. After learning about asexuality last month, I now think this is due to my being asexual.

But I do have lingering worries that I'm lying to myself, or using this explanation because it's perfect but not necessarily true. I think it is, but I'm just not sure yet. So I really appreciate this thread and everyone's commentary so far.

[dissolved]

...sometimes there's a little voice in the back of my head that says "you're just being dramatic, what makes you any different from anyone else?"

At least your voices make sense, mine tell me to eat cheese... ;)

I'm pretty sure it's natural to question yourself. Sometimes I think I'm just being daft, that I've overcomplicated things for no reason. Then I read the definitions of asexuality and (particularly for me) demisexuality again and think no, that's definitely me. And then I carry on with all the other complicated crap in my life. And eat cheese.

[SithLord]

I'm always afraid that this identity will be wrong but that's probably because I'm always paranoid that what I'm doing is wrong.

This is the main reason I'm probably not going to come out to my parents for at least a few years. I don't want to come out as ace and then identify as something else and have to tell them that I was wrong.

I've already identified as bisexual to some friends.... Gaahh the trouble of coming out and having to explain all that shit.... It sounds exhausting. -_-

Me too!

I was in the process of questioning myself and considered myself bi-curious (by ace standards anyway). I had a picture of Takagi Saya from Highschool of the Dead as my laptop's wallpaper so my friend asked if I was bi- and I said I was. After that he completely 100% didn't doubt it.

Never corrected him because he moved away for work as soon as I realized I was ace. Don't really want to correct him though. Just don't care enough.

[binary suns]

[Abeoma]

Since I'd been lying to myself about being straight to fit in for longer than I've been being honest with myself it can be easy to doubt it, but in the end if I strip away every arbitrary assumption I'd made about myself to fit in, I always come back here.

It becomes fairly obvious that this is far closer to who I am when I compare that before; I'd have an answer, If someone asked if I was straight I would answer immediately, I'd say it was "obvious" I was, whereas now if someone asked me if I was sex-repulsed as an asexual, I can honestly say I'm not quite sure. Even though I used to be exceedingly good at lying to myself, I just don't see myself lying that answer up. I'd be assertive and definite, not unsure and self-exploratory or reflective.

This is harder to put into words than I thought it would be.

[dissolved]

...sometimes there's a little voice in the back of my head that says "you're just being dramatic, what makes you any different from anyone else?"

At least your voices make sense, mine tell me to eat cheese... ;)

I'm pretty sure it's natural to question yourself. Sometimes I think I'm just being daft, that I've overcomplicated things for no reason. Then I read the definitions of asexuality and (particularly for me) demisexuality again and think no, that's definitely me. And then I carry on with all the other complicated crap in my life. And eat cheese.

I don't know what you're talking about, your voice make more sense than any voice I've ever heard :P cheese is always the answer

Ah-ha a fellow cheese fiend...

[Loki]

I did doubt myself atfer finding AVEN a long time ago, left and tried to conform to society's expectations, failed and now I can say 100% I am an Ace and am back feeling a lot better about myself. My experiences I can safely say there's no doubt in my mind. Everything clicked in place.

[b88]

I was the other way, being in denial and wanting to think I WASN'T ace. I described myself as heterosexual and genuinely thought I was, I was waiting and waiting for that one magical person to come along and I'd feel something and then I'd be like 'everyone else'. While I'm much more accepting of myself and the way I am, part of me is still reluctant to say I'm completely ace because "what if I meet someone and I AM sexually attracted to them?"

Even though I can't recall ever being sexually attracted to anyone, I've been in sexual relationships mostly because I felt like I was expected to be. Looking back, even fairly simple things for sexual people like kissing were so weird and difficult for me. I don't know how I didn't work it out sooner xD

[butterflydreams]

but after a bit of thinking I realized thatasexuality is a broad spectrum, and that most of my "wanting sex" is residual emotion that's mostly accumulated from cultural learning, which is slowly dwindling now that I've realised it's ok to not want to have sex,

This. This so much. I feel exactly the same way :) such a relief and weight off my mind

[sp4c34c3]

I do. I also look back at my life and some of the stuff the majority of the rest of the population experience just never happened for me. That's really all I think of it. Other times I kind of like knowing that what I am is an actual thing and I am not some alien from another planet trapped in a human body lacking the ability to do what seems like something every other human around me likes.

[spoidersquiggle]

Yeah... I do. I feel like my 'brand' of asexuality should conform to the 'norm' or 'strict stereotype' (which doesn't actually exist). There're a lot of things that interfere with my utmost confidence in this label of 'asexual fetishist' such as: I've had sex before (didn't like it ever), I experience arousal (from my non-human/sexual fetish), I'm aesthetically attracted to the female form (no desire to DO anything though), I read a LOT of porn (cuz its fascinating to me), and I can push any sexual conversation too far too fast (cuz it does nothing for me).

So if I look at it logically, my self-doubt is actually the thing that I'm lying about to myself. Asexual fetishist is the label that fits me best thus far in life, better than any others I've come across. I find it freeing in a lot of ways. Thinking I was SEXUAL was lying to myself, I often confused aesthetic/rare romantic attraction for sexual attraction. It makes sense now, that I don't even know what sexual attraction FEELS LIKE when it comes to people/sex acts.

I define myself as to who I am. A label is just a label that represents an 'idea' rather than a 'strict set of rules'. My asexuality looks different from yours, as yours looks different to mine and others. Sure, we share many similar experiences, qualities, and ideas, but we're all different. Just like not every heterosexual falls into 'disney roles' and not every homosexual is flamboyant, our asexuality exists on a spectrum. THANK FACKING GADS we're not all the same pile of oatmeal. That'd be really boring.

[AceInhibitor]

Yeah. I keep expecting to somehow be overwhelmed with sexual attraction for someone. Hasn't happened yet but I'm not even quite 20. It could happen. Theoretically.

[whiteblankpage]

Sometimes I find myself looking at a person at random and have kind of a sudden image of us having sex. It is in no way an urge, and when it does happen I become very repulsed and disgusted. I've wondered if, just because these things have popped into my mind, that means I am not asexual. But I have come to recognize that, since it's not an urge or a form of attraction, I do affirm myself of my asexuality. I'm not so sure what it is, but my first guess is just the fact that it's the kind of world we live in. We are constantly being slapped in the face with sexual images and subliminal messages, and it is very common place. And holy cow I just realized all of the keys on the keyboard are in caps! Anyway, I think it is just the environment I am surrounded in, not myself, that puts these repulsive images in my head.

[Laurens]

what would be interesting is to meet someone and hear their story, of what it would be like to believe essentially that you are asexual and then later discover that you had only been a suppressed allosexual and actually have a lot of sexual attraction and desire once you meet someone who loves you, as people claim someone like that exists. it's easy to theorize about that sort of person existing, but it's another thing entirely to actually meet someone like that and hear their account of what it's like to be that way.

This is indeed an interesting question. I've heard stories of people who never felt sexual attraction until their "true love" but then it was often only for this one person. Hence, they would fit in the category of gray-sexual (or demi-sexual). I think there is a realistic chance this can happen for some people who identify as ace at the moment. The sexual attraction is then so low and infrequent, it just wasn't detected until later in life. I hope I don't offend someone by saying this. I certainly don't think this will happen with all asexuals. And I don't think you will change into a 100% sexual person.

I mean, I'm getting more curious about this "one magical person" who will change my (a)sexuality. Like, will he/she be perfection itself and will I then faint in front of this person and when I wake up I'm full-blown sexual or..? :lol: Or is it the old story of this magical penis by this Perfect Guy who will penetrate you and then you will "wake up sexually". This part seems to be more about hetero cis men who think they are more important than they are. I really don't think it works this way, it is pretty insulting actually. Like you're completely passive and have to beg other people "to cure or save" you with their magical abilities or wait for this one magical person.

As for the repression part.. I honestly don't think you can be happily identify as asexual (which mostly happens after reflecting a lot on yourself and your experiences) when you are atcually a repressed full-blown sexual without noticing something is wrong. I know it can be complicated because ace's can have mental or physical conditions, but that's not the same as repressing your whole sexuality. Speaking for myself, I'm diagnosed with asperger's syndrome, but I don't see how this would repress my sexuality. I've always been very liberal about sex, supporting the rights of sexual minorities and so on. I just think that this include the right of not desiring sex.

[coyote55]

Nope. Been there, had the chances to do it right in front of me, never felt any desire to. I definitely have had sensual and romantic attractions in my life, but there are no doubts about my asexuality.

[BlueWatermelon]

No. I doubted myself once or twice purely because I didn't magically stop finding people pretty to look at after declaring myself asexual. I concluded that was a very silly way of thinking, particularly since I didn't want to sleep with them.

In fact, after spending some time in these boards I find many people here have a much more fluid understanding of how asexuality fits into their lives than I do. I am really not open to anything sexual. However, I'll talk food for days.

[Satin]

I also used to question myself regarding whether I am truly asexual. Asexuality was the perfect solution to my problem with sex: I wasn't sick or frigid or whatever, just asexual. It was almost to good to be true... so I worried I might not actually be asexual but use it as an excuse to not face whatever my true problem was. I also have a tendency to overthink things so that didn't help at all.

What did end this all eventually was to take a step back and not think about asexuality at all for a while. That way I could regain a more objective perspective on the whole matter. I grew more comfortable with my newfound identity and all those silly questions that kept nagging at me I could answer confidently. The more time passed the more I knew that asexuality is right for me and this "voice" that kept wondering whether I'm truly asexual subsided.

So if any of you is getting too worked up about your sexual orientation I suggest to cut the whole matter out of your mind for a couple days or weeks. It might be all that you need.

[TealXLIV]

I've questioned it especially since I'm still new to the whole thing. I find myself thinking, "Well there was that one time..." but then I realize that it wasn't really a sexual attraction as much as it was just someone pretty paying attention to me. I didn't want to have sex with them at all. I think back to anyone I thought was pretty and I never really wanted to have sex with them; I just really appreciated their appearance is all. It was more of an aesthetic thing than a sexual thing. While I certainly have a libido, I most often find myself wanting to take care of it than for someone else to do it. For me to be sexually attracted to someone, I'd have to be close with them; hence the demi in my sexuality. If there isn't anyone in my life that I'm really close to then I often find myself not really giving a shit to be brutally honest. I've been in two relationships in my life, and every time I had urges I'd rather be the one to make them go away. I have a close friend who I've known for about eight years now (we don't really remember when we met, it was on a sports forum). It's only been in the last year that I've even developed feelings for her. Without her, my mind would have a complete absence of any human being when the topic of sex was brought up. It's times like these that remind me as to why I actually questioned my heterosexuality in the first place. Not wanting sex or feeling those attractions to people is what brought me here.

[Star Inkbright]

All the time. I kind of have hypochondriat (please say I spelt that wrote, only heard it aloud) tendencies, so I just think I MUST be overreacting and trying to make something out of nothing when really I'm completely normal . . . :/

[Star Inkbright]

what would be interesting is to meet someone and hear their story, of what it would be like to believe essentially that you are asexual and then later discover that you had only been a suppressed allosexual and actually have a lot of sexual attraction and desire once you meet someone who loves you, as people claim someone like that exists. it's easy to theorize about that sort of person existing, but it's another thing entirely to actually meet someone like that and hear their account of what it's like to be that way.

Yes. I see so many asexuals saying "People said I would just be a late bloomer, but I wasn't", and I really want to know how many of those people there are compared to people who think they're asexual but ARE actually late bloomers . . . well, really I want to find out there's more of the former in order to feel more confident about myself, but. :P

[Member54880]

Not right now, but for the 2 years before I found the asexual community, I feared that I was lying to myself, because my friends thought I was wrong about my asexuality. I stayed away from the asexual community during that time, because I thought I'd be feeding into my own lies if I seeked it out. Their identity policing got to me, even though I knew that I didn't experience sexual attraction. They told me that I'm not asexual, that I just have hang-ups about sex, or am repressed, because of both my asexuality and repulsion. I didn't know how to counter their arguments effectively, or I tried, but couldn't convince them. Took me a long time to realize that I never had to justify my asexuality to them.

[Goaty]

what would be interesting is to meet someone and hear their story, of what it would be like to believe essentially that you are asexual and then later discover that you had only been a suppressed allosexual and actually have a lot of sexual attraction and desire once you meet someone who loves you, as people claim someone like that exists. it's easy to theorize about that sort of person existing, but it's another thing entirely to actually meet someone like that and hear their account of what it's like to be that way.

Actually, I have a friend who was very confused about his sexuality for a while and felt it would just be easier to identify as asexual. He was thinking it fit but quickly realized it didn't come close to his orientation. So, that's kind of related? It's not because he met someone he loved though, but it does illustrate the point (again) that "you know sexual attraction when you feel it". In its own way, that makes me feel more sure of my identity as it's a personal account of why asexuality didn't fit.

[Halfmoon]

No, for me it was sort of the opposite. Before I found out that asexuality was a thing I tried conventional dating, figuring I was probably just a late bloomer and when I met the right person I'd feel attracted to them (and of course this is what all my friends told me would happen...) Even after I found out about asexuality I hoped it didn't apply to me and that I was just a late bloomer, but deep down I knew this is just how I am. I've already had a lot of difficulty in my life not fitting in and being different from others, so I certainly didn't want anything else to make me different but I've come to terms with it. I will say I'm 100% open to the fact that maybe someday things might change and I might feel sexual attraction, but at the age of 25 I've never felt the slightest bit of sexual attraction to anyone or had the desire to have sex so I think the likelihood of that is pretty slim.

[Vaidd]

I think skepticism for asexuality, demisexuality, and really just queer things in general is good. It needs to be questioned for us to find the answers.

But as for the question: No, but after I discovered asexuality, I felt like it would be lying to myself to keep calling myself straight. I started with no incentive or reason to identify as asexual, because straight is what I had been using for my whole life and it worked fine. So I did all of my questioning before hand, and realized that asexual works even better.

[Verb]

I do tend to doubt myself about it a lot. In fact, some of my longer stints away from AVEN have in part been because I sometimes feel...almost like a fraud by posting here.

It's weird. Asexuality makes more sense to me than anything else I've known, but there's always that little voice at the back of my head that makes me wonder. Perhaps it's just the asexual equivalent of being bi-curious :P

[Schrecken]

I have, on and off, both since I knew there was such a thing as asexuality and even before that, when I just figured I was some kind of weird outlier when it came to sexuality. Part of my continued questioning comes from me being grey-a (in other words, I have, on very rare occasion, experienced sexual attraction or something very close to it) and also a sexual abuse survivor. Problem with me is, I'm certainly not "textbook" for any kind of categorization that I can think of that could define me (something other than asexuality, and I'm not even "textbook" for typical asexuality where people never have any sexual attractions). Some days I wonder if I really am that damaged and twisted from being abused, but I can't reconcile with that in most cases simply because most sex abuse survivors (including those who have suffered far worse than I did) still seek out sexual partners and have active sex lives, despite whatever issues they may have. And then I wonder if I'm not just a very low end sexual (meaning low as in libido and interest), and other parts of me wonders if I simply have never been presented with the right opportunity due to this and other issues. This sort of thing is so "chicken and egg-ish"...I stop and wonder what would have my life had been like had I not been abused, had certain things happened to me that didn't, and other things that did happen not have happened. In other words a confluence of circumstances that charted me a path thru life where I rarely ever became attracted to anyone, and when I did, either they only wanted casual sex or they had no reciprocal interest in me.

But at some point there really is no point in continued questioning, especially at my age. So for me the best explanation I can come up with right now is that I am just grey-a, and that's that, for whatever reason or cause, if there even is one.

[Breathing....]

Yes, but I also feel more certain of my sexuality then ever before too.

I worry that I have mental health issues (depression and anxiety) and that these influence. I also wonder if my home life, seeing relationship after relationship for my parents fall apart, affects how I see myself.

But I also think (like 98% certain) that I've never felt romantic or sexual attraction. And in my mid twenties I have only recently come to realise that this is unusual (for an allosexual). but with this I also worry that maybe I did but I ignored it/didn't realise that's what it was.

[aliveinwords]

I question a lot about myself. Especially anything related to sexuality. When I found out what it meant to be asexual, it felt really right, but I sometimes wonder whether or not that isn't just because I want to be "different" I guess. And that I've been busy the last 7 years and have had more interesting things to do than be in a relationship or have sex. Then I remember that I'm 26, never had sex, don't really plan to anytime soon, have only had 2 "relationships" and neither were serious, and have never felt attracted to anyone really. Also, I don't really plan on coming out to more than the 2 people I already have, which kind of defeats the purpose of trying to be different if you don't make anyone aware of how different you are being.

So yeah, I have doubts, but in the end, I think that asexual fits me really well. It's the romantic labels I'm still unsure of.

[Ficulnean]

I certainly feel this way. I spent so long thinking that I was sexual, that by habit I seem to still think that I am.