...and that, ma'am, is the problem.

[SorryNotSorry]

My initial estimates are off the mark by an order of magnitude.

Since I've had the chance to talk to more and more women at speed dating events, I've been bringing up the subject of "the chase" with more and more of them, and what I'm being told is alarming.

It's no secret that more and more guys who are shy or socially inept, but who aren't even jerks and would make wonderful, caring SO's, are entering the singles & dating scene. Now, rare common sense tells me unless women start "chasing" men---initiating convo---the number of new relationships is going to drop like a ton of bricks. But sadly, ALL the women I've asked about "the chase" have told me it isn't so much not wanting to deal with rejection, rather it's a desire to maintain tradition (men must chase women) that prevents them from breaking the ice.

I have no solid numbers, but ya learn something new every day... before I started asking women about this, I assumed maybe 20% at most are hanging onto this tradition, while the other 80% just don't want to deal with rejection... it appears 20% is much too low.

Either way, even the posters on the singles & dating boards (who are not typically great intellects) agree that many women who are single & looking are not too happy about having to pursue men, but the time is not far off when a sort of critical mass will be reached... and the tradition of the men doing the chasing, will have to be allowed to die a merciful death if the US doesn't want to be awash in lonely people.

[Fire & Rain]

If I felt solid romantic attraction and/or desired romantic relationships, I would have chased men down lol Traditions are stupid. We have to let people be themselves. Some men are shy and reserved. I'm drawn to this type of males and I've pursued friendships with them. People tell me I'm very bold when I want to be. Say if I was romantic and began chasing after men like that romantically, I would probably get slut shamed by the society. That maybe why some women don't want to do it even if they wanted to.

[Doremi(fa)]

Well, as a girl who grew up under that paradigm, I can tell you that having to chase a man can feel desperate and humiliating. The way the media portray it, the only reason a woman would be chasing men would be because they are running away from her for some reason.

Also, in my experience, a lot of girls find indecisiveness and/or aloofness in men very unattractive, so that those guys whom they would need to chase in order to get aren't those they would be interested in in the first place. And sometimes, girls feel like they are already putting enough effort into looking nice, approachable and generally loveable to also be doing all the chasing.

[Ficulnean]

I definitely fear rejection. I'm more than fine with breaking tradition. Also, I would prefer to ask a guy out (if I was sure about lack of rejection) as that would put me in control of the situation and no confront me with anything that I'm not expecting or wanting.

[Hobbes!]

I have no idea how prevalent it is, but I find the idea silly. Tradition is a silly reason not ask a guy out, particularly if you instead turn to playing games in order to get him to ask you out.

Fear of rejection is a perfectly good reason - hell, that's the whole the reason I'm not looking

[Arethusa]

Well, it might not be 80%, but it's probably not extremely low either. It's not a tradition everyone was on board with from the beginning, and it's definitely becoming less and less of one now that gender equality is beginning to make inroads into our society's values. Plus, being asexual lets you-- indeed, forces you to-- break a lot of these dating and relationship conventions: if you're fundamentally not sexually compatible (which often means not compatible, full stop) with most people who ask you out, and if the people with whom you are compatible tend to be more introverted and less outgoing than average (especially when they, too, expect that everyone they meet is sexual and that they therefore have no chance with them), that's pretty good reason to throw unnecessary social conventions out the window. And then, assuming that most aces understand this on some level or another, the proportion of people who won't initiate because of social expectations that is relevant for you is lower than that which holds for the average (heterosexual) Joe or Jane.

[improbability]

I think you may be conflating desire to maintain tradition with pressure to maintain tradition. And it's particularly insidious because it's a kind of pressure we're often not even aware of. We're taught from an early age that men asking women out is "how it works" or "how it's supposed to be". Even the tradition of schools holding Sadie Hawkins Day dances (where girls ask boys) just highlights that that's not seen as the "normal" scenario.

Sometimes a woman might want to ask a man out but feel that she can't, because breaking with social convention can be difficult and scary. Or it might not even occur to her that she could ask him out, because she's been conditioned to assume it's the man's job to make the first move. My point is, it's possible to perpetuate this sort of tradition without deliberately choosing to.