Aromantic musing

[TheKindredSoul]

Romance is subjective and an individualistic experience. What is considered a part of romantic attraction and romance might vary from person to person. Romance is a very abstract concept, and is not something that can be universally defined. An individual's experience of romance cannot be compared to another's, because those two people may have a different perception of their experience.

I noticed that a lot of people try to define romance for me, and it never registers because I have no personal definition of it for myself. When people say to me "Oh, that is a crush" and "You really like this person", they are operating from their own personal mindsets, which conflicts with mine. I get squishes, which I identify as a desire to be someone's close friend. They cannot identify romance for me, and I cannot identify romance for them. It just does not work.

People say that romantic feelings are stronger than friendship, but this is all due to their mindsets and personal feelings as well. What one labels as romance or friendship is entirely how one sees and perceives their feelings. Then, one gives it a label that they see fits. I believe that friendship has the potential to be just as, or even more strong, than romance. However, this is my perception. I have no existing schema for romance, and most people do. Most people would disagree with me as a result. No one is wrong or right when it comes to determining things like this.

People argue that since I am aromantic, I do not know what romantic love feels like. Well, I cannot argue for my side, and nor can they, because we both have different perceptions. The only reason why I am aromantic is because I have no schema for romantic love, so how can I label it as such? Why would I want to label it anyway?

In other words, no one can say that romantic love is stronger than all types of other loves (including friendship), because that is their own perception, and someone else might feel differently. Our view of love, or whatever it is, is our own personal perception inside, and this, cannot be applied to other people as some universal fact. Most people might believe that romantic love is the strongest love, but that means it is for them. Also, feelings cannot be compared between people. No one can say that my feelings are of less intensity to theirs because they are not romantic, according to the person who has a romantic schema. That just does not work, and it just devalues what other people are feeling.

Feelings and attractions can only be named by the person feeling it. People need to understand this.

[poindexter]

Feelings and attractions can only be named by the person feeling it. People need to understand this.

I agree with everything, apart from that. I don't think you can say that because romantic love isn't as strong as friendship, or whatever, then romantic love can only be named by the person experiencing it - doesn't follow. If you show all the signs of being in love, then someone beyond yourself could tell that you're in love, in fact sometimes you need someone else there in order to help you understand that. If you come on AVEN and say "I'm experiencing x, y, z" then people can make a stab at what it is you're describing, even if they can't say for sure because they don't know all the extraneous details.

I would go so far as to say that we NEED other people in order to know what we feel, otherwise we have nothing to compare our own feelings with. How can we know we're experiencing romantic love, or indeed that we've never experienced it, if we've never spoken with others who have?

I mean, sure, it's up to us to ultimately decide what it is we're feeling because only we can *really* know, but there's a clear benefit to having outside input on these things, even if it's not always helpful.

[FlaafyTaffy]

I feel like this is stemming from what I said in chat about romantic love being stronger than friendship love.

I can say that and so can other people. It doesn't really mean that platonic love is less valuable it's just a lot different and the chemical reactions are much different. So romantic love IS stronger in the sense because it makes the brain go a bit crazy. At least in the early stages of the relationship.

[Slayerin96]

I've never undestood romantic love and its use and I don't think I ever will. To me, it's a kind of irrational and way-pushed-beyond-the-limits love doubled by some sort of ridiculous delusion. I mean, all of a sudden, one sees a person and their heart starts racing and their stomach gets filled with butterflies flying about and so on. And they have the feeling they can't live with that person anymore and they develop obsession, let alone that loathsome jealousy and possessiveness. Moreover, it's all too often the case that one lets themselves harked on, taken advantage of, or even abused to death by the one they "love" - but how on earth could you love someone who's slowly killing you or who's making your life a living hell?! How in the world could you love someone without LIKING them?! (things like I don't like you, but I love you with all my heart). Things like "you're my everything", "I'd die without you", "you're my one and only reason to live", "I'd do anything for you (literally)" seem downright awkward and absurd to me. I, for one, couldn't live such feelings. I just can't. I've always imagined love as a feeling of affection, respect, gratitude and trust towards a specific person, founded on rational grounds. To me, having a boyfriend meant forming such a strong bond with a guy whom I like and who likes me back and accepts me for what I am. Loving each other without pushing the reason limits, having fun (sex involved, too, since until not long ago I thought I was a straight woman who develops belatedly) and supporting each other. To sum it all up, loving to the point of madness is both wrong and unhealthy. Like any other thing in excess, too much love kills.