A few Qs for Aromantics who are/were in romantic relationship/s.

[Fire & Rain]

You can ask your own questions if you want to :D I will answer them and others might too.

✫ Did you get into romantic relationships just because everybody else was doing it or for other reasons (please state them if you want to)?

✫ What are your views on romantic gestures towards you by your romantic partner? Do you find them indifferent or annoying or enjoyable?

✫ Have you ever felt trapped being in romantic relationships?

✫ Do you find it hard to prioritize your romantic relationship/s over your other relationships?

[Dirge]

1. I got into a relationship because it seemed like the Thing To Do at that age, and because the other party framed it as a sort of experiment for both of us.

2. Cannot say that I appreciate romantic gestures. This is probably in my mind more than that of the other party, but it always feels like a roundabout attempt at trapping me into something. Which leads into...

3. Absolutely, yes. I felt trapped by the time requirements, and by the feelings/behaviour the other party tried to enforce on me. This was a large part of the reason why the relationship came to an end.

4. Honestly, I had a difficult time understanding why I would prioritize the relationships that way in the first place. Probably part of the reason why the other party complained that I treated him like any other friend.

My question for aromantics - if you have stayed in a romantic relationship despite your orientation, why is that?

[Mezzo Forte]

✫ Did you get into romantic relationships just because everybody else was doing it or for other reasons (please state them if you want to)?

I only entered romantic relationships before I came to understand my romantic and sexual identity. I entered my relationships thinking that maybe I'd fall for my romantic partner if I only date them long enough, and of course, that failed every time. The day I decided to only enter a relationship with someone that I was genuinely attracted to was the day I stopped dating, and that was admittedly a few years before I discovered my aromanticism.

✫ What are your views on romantic gestures towards you by your romantic partner? Do you find them indifferent or annoying or enjoyable?

Anything that involved my personal space always made me uncomfortable, but the other types of romantic gestures varied. I tended to enjoy the things that I could easily get out of a close friendship (particularly the emotional intimacy), but some types of romantic sentiments simply confused me at best or downright irritated me at worst.

✫ Have you ever felt trapped being in romantic relationships?

Yes, definitely. That is actually what would cause me to end my relationships. I used to rationalize it by considering the possibility of me falling for someone else while I was still in a relationship, but that was more of an excuse than anything. The personal space breaching, the jealousy and paranoia that my partners would experience when they could sense my disinterest all weighed on me, so getting away from that was always a good feeling.

✫ Do you find it hard to prioritize your romantic relationship/s over your other relationships?

I hated being asked to prioritize my romantic relationships and actually found them quite socially isolating. I enjoy one-on-one interactions, but not when you're told that you're supposed to limit those interactions to your SO.

If I need to throw in a question, here goes: Did you ever enter a relationship with a partner that was aware of your romantic identity?

[Fire & Rain]

Wow, you guys sound like me lol I also thought it was a normal thing to do.

I can't answer both of your questions since I've stopped dating long before I found out about aromanticsm and asexuality. It was because I felt trapped having romantic partners.

[deltaX]

✫ Did you get into romantic relationships just because everybody else was doing it or for other reasons (please state them if you want to)?

I was in exactly one romantic relationship, and it just kind of happened; at the time I wasn't looking for a boyfriend at all. One of my friends started to get a huge crush on me and eventually asked me to be his girlfriend. If I was being honest with myself, I would have said I didn't want our relationship to move past friendship, but I didn't know it was possible to be aromantic at the time, and at 19 I felt like I should try to be in a relationship because that's what I was "supposed" to do. People who didn't know me very well always thought it was weird if I mentioned I had never had a boyfriend or never had my first kiss, so for like a day or two into the relationship, I was super excited because it was like I had finally achieved some goal.

✫ What are your views on romantic gestures towards you by your romantic partner? Do you find them indifferent or annoying or enjoyable?

I absolutely hated romantic gestures! Even stupid little things like calling me "baby" or buying me things or texting me to say he loved me drove me mad. But I hated physical things like kissing (soooo gross), touching, hand-holding, and cuddling the most. There was no romantic feelings during physical affection for me, and since that's (apparently) what makes physical affection so enjoyable, it felt incredibly weird and uncomfortable. I didn't understand why I hated all this stuff so much, especially since if I tried to talk to my friends about it, they gushed about how perfect and romantic he sounded.

✫ Have you ever felt trapped being in romantic relationships?

YES. SO MUCH. Almost immediately after the relationship started I wanted to break up with him because it was obvious that the relationship was one-sided, but I felt like it wasn't right to break up with someone when they didn't really do anything wrong to me. At one point I was wishing he would start treaing me badly so that I'd have a "real" excuse for breaking up, which in hindsight I realize is totally ridiculous. I was also conflicted because I felt like it would be rude to break up with someone so quickly. I mean, is there a time period where the relationship is too knew to warrant a break up? Past me thought there was, so I suffered through the relationship as long as I could, until after about a month I couldn't take it anymore.

During the relationship I also felt trapped into doing physical things I was uncomfortable with. I hated pretty much every physical show of affection, but my boyfriend loved it, particularly kissing. He wanted to kiss me all the time, and as his girlfriend I felt like it would be wrong to refuse him that. It had such a negative effect on me- to the point where I would often have panic attacks before our dates because I knew I would have to kiss him- but I had never heard of anyone not liking kissing, so I kept my feelings to myself and let the kissing happen.

✫ Do you find it hard to prioritize your romantic relationship/s over your other relationships?

I was probably the worst girlfriend ever, because I never prioritized my boyfriend over my friends. My friends always came first, and I made that clear from the beginning. Every time my ex wanted to set up a date, I would check with my friends to make sure we didn't have other plans that day, which is usually the opposite of how it usually works. :P I could never be the type of girl who ditches her friends for a boyfriend, because my friends mean the world to me, while boyfriends are just a hassle.

[binary suns]

✫ Did you get into romantic relationships just because everybody else was doing it or for other reasons (please state them if you want to)?

My first significant other was a sensual relationship sparked by aesthetic attration. Thinking back, I think they too were an aromantic person, so that aspect was really tough. They were sexually attracted to me as the primary interest, I was aesthetically attracted, and liked them (as a friend is liked).

My second SO was me looking for a romantic connection. I had a crush squish on them, and so thought to seek dating them. This is the only person I asked out, so between that and how they cared for me, I was invested in the relationship. It ended essentially because I wasn't reciprocating their feelings, and also was sort of anxious about being valid as an interest for them.

My third SO, they were interested in me. There was never direct communication between us, mostly just them being interested in me, me feeling neutral but not minding what they were doing, until they slowly escalated the relationship first to romance than sensual than sexual...

✫ What are your views on romantic gestures towards you by your romantic partner? Do you find them indifferent or annoying or enjoyable?

I always found the gestures sweet. The gestures made me feel loved, which was something at the time I felt I needed. I'm not sure how I'd feel today if someone gestured towards me romantically, most likely it'd be by a stranger so I'd be weirded out, or by a friend so I'd feel nervous or afraid...

If I were in a relationship again, I would probably accept the gesture lovingly, although also probably every time feel a twinge of fear because I'd wonder if I return enough affection, and then feel compelled to return the gesture.

✫ Have you ever felt trapped being in romantic relationships?

Yes, the second SO. They said early on that they were scared they'd hurt me, and that introduced a tension in our dynamic. I was constantly trying to not feel attached, which of course only caused me to feel attached... not sure how that works really >.<

✫ Do you find it hard to prioritize your romantic relationship/s over your other relationships?

No. I am very invested in what I do, while I'm doing it, so when they were invested in me, I was very invested in them. That behavior unfortunately makes me look like I'm being romantic, but actually it is probably some sort of compulsive disorder that shouldn't be encouraged >.< I guess tho, I did always try to involve my second SO with my friends, and they couldn't be bothered...

✫ My question for aromantics - if you have stayed in a romantic relationship despite your orientation, why is that?

Err, I always thought I was romantically invested.... OH! but the third SO, I wasn't interested in them at all! I wasn't opposed, but I felt no intrinsic attraction for them at first. For practically the entire first month, I was struggling to figure out how I could be only a friend to them, until one time I couldn't manage my libido and things started happening, then because the relationship had changed I commited myself to keeping it there, for them. (although I broke it off at the end, but I had told them at the start that I wasn't interested in being with them because I wouldn't keep it going after I graduated, which they said they didn't believe).

But the reason why I was OK with how things was going the entire time was this: I found the things they were interested in to be very good things to be concerned about. I wanted them to succeed at their interests (which is somthing I generaly feel for all people). I also felt very comfortable and safe with them, since while they were subtly advancing the relationship which I didn't want, they were doing so very respectfully and carringly. And of course, the way I am, that all meant that they became very aesthetically attractive to me.

✫ Did you ever enter a relationship with a partner that was aware of your romantic identity?

Yes, the third SO. I told them I wouldn't keep up any relationship long distance, and they still pushed me to let them show me affection. Not really sure that counts as being aware of my identity, because at the time I identified romantically and sexually.

[minphil]

✫ Did you get into romantic relationships just because everybody else was doing it or for other reasons (please state them if you want to)?

I got into relationships because I was confused about what I was feeling. At the time I thought being attracted to someone was having a lot in common and having fun together. I didn't realize that the people I got into relationships were just really good friends. It caused a lot of problems for me at times.

✫ What are your views on romantic gestures towards you by your romantic partner? Do you find them indifferent or annoying or enjoyable?

Honestly, I couldn't stand romantic gestures. They drove me nuts. I felt like my personal space was being invaded. I especially hated someone touching me. I don't even like giving my friends hugs, so being in a relationship was really hard.

✫ Have you ever felt trapped being in romantic relationships?

I felt miserable in relationships. I felt as if time my time and energy was being taking up. I did feel trapped.

✫ Do you find it hard to prioritize your romantic relationship/s over your other relationships?

My last boyfriend was always angry because I put other people before him. I never prioritized him. He would get mad when I cancelled plans. So I would definitely say it was hard for me to prioritize romantic relationships. One reason why I'm glad I know now that I don't want to be in one. :)

[Kellam]

✫ Did you get into romantic relationships just because everybody else was doing it or for other reasons (please state them if you want to)?

For the most part, yes I tried dating to be normal, to be like my peers. In my final attempt with a close friend I figured that I would learn to love her and find her sexy as time progressed. That of course never happened.

✫ What are your views on romantic gestures towards you by your romantic partner? Do you find them indifferent or annoying or enjoyable?

I think I was gleefully unaware of most of the romantic gestures. But those that I did spot confused me (like random gifts). The more physical stuff was all uncomfortable but I was trying to learn to at least let it happen if I couldn't enjoy it.

✫ Have you ever felt trapped being in romantic relationships?

Yes. But I didn't feel I had a choice. I knew secretly that when that last attempt was over I would have to deal with what was wrong with me and the people around me had made it clear that my feelings were false. I stayed with her out of fear and self loathing.

✫ Do you find it hard to prioritize your romantic relationship/s over your other relationships?

Yes, but I just did whatever she asked me to and eventually I stopped seeing my own friends and family and I only socialized with hers.

[Copper]

I have a question.

Are there any aromantics who enjoy being in a romantic relationship? I ask, because I'm questioning whether I may be aromantic myself. Yet I still find myself wanting something more than a platonic relationship, I just haven't found anyone I would desire such a relationship with.

[Fire & Rain]

I was in exactly one romantic relationship, and it just kind of happened; at the time I wasn't looking for a boyfriend at all. One of my friends started to get a huge crush on me and eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.

▼This is basically how it happened with all of my relationships.

I absolutely hated romantic gestures! Even stupid little things like calling me "baby" or buying me things or texting me to say he loved me drove me mad. But I hated physical things like kissing (soooo gross), touching, hand-holding, and cuddling the most.

▼I never used any endearing terms. They all sound so fake to me. I didn't like touching either. I was fine with hand holding but even that can get uncomfortable sometimes when your hands start to get sweaty lol I missed so many classes just to avoid my partner.

At one point I was wishing he would start treaing me badly so that I'd have a "real" excuse for breaking up, which in hindsight I realize is totally ridiculous. I was also conflicted because I felt like it would be rude to break up with someone so quickly. I mean, is there a time period where the relationship is too knew to warrant a break up? Past me thought there was, so I suffered through the relationship as long as I could, until after about a month I couldn't take it anymore.

▼ Wow! This is so similar to my experiences. Creepy!!!! :D I was, too, looking for faults in my then partner to break things up. I also didn't want to be the bad guy but I was so unhappy. I ended up dating for like a year just because I was too scared to call things off.

I was probably the worst girlfriend ever, because I never prioritized my boyfriend over my friends.

▼ha ha me too!

[Fire & Rain]

I have a question.

Are there any aromantics who enjoy being in a romantic relationship? I ask, because I'm questioning whether I may be aromantic myself. Yet I still find myself wanting something more than a platonic relationship, I just haven't found anyone I would desire such a relationship with.

Hopefully, someone will answer this question for you :) I obviously do not enjoy being in romantic relationships.

[deltaX]

At one point I was wishing he would start treaing me badly so that I'd have a "real" excuse for breaking up, which in hindsight I realize is totally ridiculous. I was also conflicted because I felt like it would be rude to break up with someone so quickly. I mean, is there a time period where the relationship is too knew to warrant a break up? Past me thought there was, so I suffered through the relationship as long as I could, until after about a month I couldn't take it anymore.

▼ Wow! This is so similar to my experiences. Creepy!!!! :D I was, too, looking for faults in my then partner to break things up. I also didn't want to be the bad guy but I was so unhappy. I ended up dating for like a year just because I was too scared to call things off.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought this! I thought I was insane for wanting someone to treat me badly. But yeah, unfortunately for me (or maybe fortunately?) my boyfriend never did anything warranting a break up, and I had to just use a generic "I don't think I love you as much as you love me, we should just be friends" type of thing when I eventually broke it off.

I'm impressed that you ended up dating for a year. I maybe it's because I'm romance repulsed, but I could barely make a month!

I have a question.

Are there any aromantics who enjoy being in a romantic relationship? I ask, because I'm questioning whether I may be aromantic myself. Yet I still find myself wanting something more than a platonic relationship, I just haven't found anyone I would desire such a relationship with.

Hopefully, someone will answer this question for you :) I obviously do not enjoy being in romantic relationships.

I also do not enjoy being in romantic relationships. :/

I'm not sure whether there are other aromantics out there would desire romance without feeling attraction but I'm sure it's possible! I'm curious to see if anyone else has a different answer to this question. If you're questioning whether you're aro, perhaps you could also look into the possibility that you are somewhere on the grey-aromantic spectrum or that you are desiring a non-romantic queer-platonic type of relationship? I'm not really sure though.

[Copper]

I also do not enjoy being in romantic relationships. :/

I'm not sure whether there are other aromantics out there would desire romance without feeling attraction but I'm sure it's possible! I'm curious to see if anyone else has a different answer to this question. If you're questioning whether you're aro, perhaps you could also look into the possibility that you are somewhere on the grey-aromantic spectrum or that you are desiring a non-romantic queer-platonic type of relationship? I'm not really sure though.

I'm thinking that I just want to know what I'm missing out on. I've never actually tried dating so it might turn out that I would hate it. Queer-platonic might be what I'm looking for, I'd like something more serious than friendship without some of the romance stuff. I don't know much it though, so I'm trying to read up on it more.

[DarkDragonn]

I have a question.

Are there any aromantics who enjoy being in a romantic relationship? I ask, because I'm questioning whether I may be aromantic myself. Yet I still find myself wanting something more than a platonic relationship, I just haven't found anyone I would desire such a relationship with.

I haven't been in a romantic relationship, neither do I think I'll have the opportunity because who'd want to date a aromantic? But I do think I want to try, if I have a chance. I want a primary relationship, to be important to someone like I see people in romantic relationships are to each other. I think a primary relationships is something worth exploring at least, and I feel kinda bad about how I'm the only one among my friends who didn't have one yet.

I think I'd be just as happy with trying out a committed queerplatonic relationship as a romantic one, maybe happier. It's really the intimacy and committement I'm curious about.

[binary suns]

I have a question.

Are there any aromantics who enjoy being in a romantic relationship? I ask, because I'm questioning whether I may be aromantic myself. Yet I still find myself wanting something more than a platonic relationship, I just haven't found anyone I would desire such a relationship with.

Hopefully, someone will answer this question for you :) I obviously do not enjoy being in romantic relationships.

I also do not enjoy being in romantic relationships. :/

I'm not sure whether there are other aromantics out there would desire romance without feeling attraction but I'm sure it's possible! I'm curious to see if anyone else has a different answer to this question. If you're questioning whether you're aro, perhaps you could also look into the possibility that you are somewhere on the grey-aromantic spectrum or that you are desiring a non-romantic queer-platonic type of relationship? I'm not really sure though.

well, I don't desire a romantic relationship, but neither do I oppose one... lol maybe I'd be perfect for someone lithromantic, who wants to show me all the romance but I'll never show it to them back! but in every romantic situation I was in, I felt awkward and uncomfortable...

[Fire & Rain]

I also do not enjoy being in romantic relationships. :/

I'm not sure whether there are other aromantics out there would desire romance without feeling attraction but I'm sure it's possible! I'm curious to see if anyone else has a different answer to this question. If you're questioning whether you're aro, perhaps you could also look into the possibility that you are somewhere on the grey-aromantic spectrum or that you are desiring a non-romantic queer-platonic type of relationship? I'm not really sure though.

I'm thinking that I just want to know what I'm missing out on. I've never actually tried dating so it might turn out that I would hate it. Queer-platonic might be what I'm looking for, I'd like something more serious than friendship without some of the romance stuff. I don't know much it though, so I'm trying to read up on it more.

I also thought I was missing out on something until I got into one. It was horrible. Then, I tried with another person again and another and another. All of them were nice but I was the one who was repulsed by all of it. I'm also not monogamous. That created problems too.

I still desire multiple platonic companionship and I can't always tell if it's a romantic or platonic crush. I identify myself as Gray-Aromantic.

Gray-aromantics may: rarely experience romantic attraction, experience romantic attraction but feel repulsed by romantic relationships and never actually want to get involved in them, experience a kind of emotional attraction that cannot easily be defined as “romantic” or “nonromantic,” want queerplatonic or other gray-area relationships regardless of their attraction experience.

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I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought this! I thought I was insane for wanting someone to treat me badly. But yeah, unfortunately for me (or maybe fortunately?) my boyfriend never did anything warranting a break up, and I had to just use a generic "I don't think I love you as much as you love me, we should just be friends" type of thing when I eventually broke it off.

I'm impressed that you ended up dating for a year. I maybe it's because I'm romance repulsed, but I could barely make a month!

:D Me too! Did you also get judged by public for breaking up with a hopeless romantic?

I'm really terrible at ending relationships in general. I dated another one for about 2 years but they weren't very pushy or romantic like the other one.

[deltaX]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought this! I thought I was insane for wanting someone to treat me badly. But yeah, unfortunately for me (or maybe fortunately?) my boyfriend never did anything warranting a break up, and I had to just use a generic "I don't think I love you as much as you love me, we should just be friends" type of thing when I eventually broke it off.

I'm impressed that you ended up dating for a year. I maybe it's because I'm romance repulsed, but I could barely make a month!

:D Me too! Did you also get judged by public for breaking up with a hopeless romantic?

I'm really terrible at ending relationships in general. I dated another one for about 2 years but they weren't very pushy or romantic like the other one.

Sort of? Idk, we were in a weird situation; because the relationship was so short and mostly took place over winter break, a lot of my college friends and casual acquaintances didnt even know we were dating. So those people didn't get the chance to judge me because they don't even know it happened.

A lot of my closer friends who did know about the relationship did judge me a lot at first though. They can't see inside my head, and from their perspective it was a perfect romance. After the breakup though, I explained that I wasn't attracted to him in the same way he was attracted to me and that the relationship was making me miserable. Some accepted it more slowly than others, but eventually all the people I care about came to terms with the breakup and supported my decision.

One person who knew about it and never judged me was my mom; she supported the breakup before it even happened. Despite the fact that I tried to keep up the appearance of a happy relationship, she instantly knew I didnt want to be in a with my ex, and kept trying to tell me it was okay to be single for now if that's what would make me happiest. I never told her, but I'm incredibly grateful for her for somehow understanding, even though I still haven't come out to her.