abacct Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Anyone else feel the same way? At the first sign of emotion my thought is, "Run." I am terrible at consoling people because 1) I usually don't care too much and 2) if there's anything I lack, it's empathy. I feel so bad, but if you just bombard me with something I won't know what to do. Emotional people and things are a giant "Stay Away" sign for me. I might tell you something like, "Aw man, I'm sorry," but any more from me is usually improbable. Link to post Share on other sites
Chewy Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Do you ever feel you need comfort from someone? Do you feel close to someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Starbogen Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 That happens to me sometimes... It's better if I can identify with what they're going through, that way I feel like I can actually say or do something useful without making it awkward. Or when I can just try to cheer the person up instead of comforting them like my friends and I do for each other. But when someone just breaks in front of me and starts letting emotional stuff out in the open with the expectation that I'm going to do something equally emotional about it and comfort them, I just freeze and have no idea what to do because I don't feel the way they do. This has happened various times with my parents and they complain that I'm insensitive. But I'm just being honest, I do feel bad if they feel bad, but I think it would be worse if I tried to fake it because then it wouldn't really be coming from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Not everyone is born with the same talents. You probably have some that others may not. Link to post Share on other sites
Vitaki Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I'm the same way, in a way. I'm empathetic in the sense that I strongly "believe" in what people say they are experiencing, even if I have never experienced it myself, but when it comes to comforting them I feel incredibly awkward. Like, if they just want me to listen and understand, I can do that, but if they actually want me to SAY or DO something, or ACT a certain way, it's just... ???? I've been called insensitive because I don't always "act" like I'm concerned or upset by something he thinks I should be upset by. In that way, I feel a complete disconnect. I guess it could be that when I'm upset I don't really seek comfort from other people. Or rather, I don't need or desire it. Hugs and nice words are nice, but hugs and nice words are nice whether I'm upset or not, so I'd rather people just act how they normally act around me to help cheer me back up. Because I don't want "comfort" FROM anyone, I don't really know how to GIVE it. Even when I'm genuinely concerned and can sincerely tell people I am sorry and I hope things get better, I just want to go back to being normal around them, sometimes so badly that I'm screaming in my head because I don't really get what I'm supposed to do, yet feel so pressured to do something. Now, if someone is upset AND specifically wants my opinion or advice on the thing that made them upset, I don't feel so awkward because it's not a purely emotional situation. (Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with purely emotional situations, I just personally feel out of my element in them.) Link to post Share on other sites
That Kid U Know Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Yeah I feel the same way. Once tears get involved i'm like shoot, should I give you a hug, should I just agree with what your saying? How ever I dont think this comes across to the people I try to console, because they just keep talking. Link to post Share on other sites
abacct Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 Do you ever feel you need comfort from someone? Do you feel close to someone? O, BTW, explain to me High-Libodist I have only like, one person I'm actually close to. I have like family members, and then "friends," and then that one person. If they're sad I occasionally might feel bad for them, but rarely do I ever feel like I need to console them. And I just now realize I had misspelled "libidoist." *headdesk* Link to post Share on other sites
Vyanni Krace Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I'm terrible as well. I always want to help but I just have no idea what to do or how to respond. ((One time my mum fell off the ladder getting down from the loft, because the ladder buckled. I rushed out of my room to see if she was okay, but ended up just standing there awkwardly and listing her bruises and how bad they looked for her before closing the door and retreating awkwardly to my room while my sister dealt with it. I really badly wanted to comfort her and see if she was okay but I just had no idea how to respond.)) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 It makes me uncomfortable and I'm bad at it too. I won't say "awful", because I'm usually a better listener than most. I think it's to do with Asperger's....but like Sally said, it's a talent that not everyone has. Link to post Share on other sites
Squirrel Combat Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I can be supportive but I don't usually offer good advice when people may need it most. I will try but the "comforting words" will fall flat. Link to post Share on other sites
Lenika Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Hmmm, I have a talent for acting when I really need it. I just act if its one where I can not personally relate. Or when in doubt an empathetic "Gosh, I just don't know what to say!" helps and asking a few questions, like "What's wrong?" and attempting to talk about it with them usually works, well 'talking' about it is mostly listening but what ever lol. Long as I know WHAT the person is upset about I can help better. hehehe, I remember one time a girl fell at the gym and hurt her arm, I went up and said "Oh, it looks like its just dislocated, you will be alright." (That would have made me feel better), but she gave me a nasty look and screamed for us to call an ambulance, and I was just thinking ... "Well what do you want me to tell you? That its not hurt? Its obvious theres something wrong with it." As it turns out it was just a dislocation, I was right. Hehe. She was fine. When people start getting hurt I have a major disconnect to them apparently. I don't believe in lying to people and telling them something is not broken when they set there with their leg snapped in two and it IS obviously broken. But I guess most people want to deny reality???? I hate it when people lie to me like that... However I notice medics don't lie to patients either. Link to post Share on other sites
5_♦♣ Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I'm not good at comforting people either, but it's because I have a naturally sarcastic sounding voice, so people always question my sincerity when I try to console them. Link to post Share on other sites
phonic Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I know what you mean. I kind of mentally detach and really have no response. Anything that I might or might not feel cannot be put into words. If anything, I don't know how to console people because I rarely seek that kind of stuff myself -- I prefer to lick my wounds alone, and anyone who infringes on that is seen as a threat and doesn't help the situation. So people coming to me for comfort is... strange. Link to post Share on other sites
abacct Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 I'm terrible as well. I always want to help but I just have no idea what to do or how to respond. ((One time my mum fell off the ladder getting down from the loft, because the ladder buckled. I rushed out of my room to see if she was okay, but ended up just standing there awkwardly and listing her bruises and how bad they looked for her before closing the door and retreating awkwardly to my room while my sister dealt with it. I really badly wanted to comfort her and see if she was okay but I just had no idea how to respond.)) That is me in every emotional crisis ever. I don't know how many times I've been around somebody in desperate need of attention and I just stand there awkwardly and watch them cry. It doesn't even occur to me, "Go help them!" It's more like, "Why are they crying and how can I get out of here without being noticed?" Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I'm terrible at this. Although I am very quick to notice what others are feeling (unless those feeling are focused on me) I have no idea what to do when someone is upset and freeze up. I normally end up making them a cup of tea and then standing awkwardly in silence. I think this might have a lot to do with the fact that I don't tend to feel things strongly myself. Although I can abstractly understand why they are upset and it must be awful, I don't really get attached to people or things, and I don't get deeply sad of angry the way others do. It makes funerals terribly awkward. On the other it makes me good in a crisis (the sort of crisis which involves calling the emergency services etc) so it's not all bad. Link to post Share on other sites
prof mags Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 i also get uncomfortable comforting others but for different reasons with me its a case of i have no idea what to do or say as in almost every case i have no experience with whatever problem they have (i have little experience in most things to be honest) and so i just end up going ohh and aww to what they say and give generic "oh dont give up hope" advice but for whatever reason people like to come to me when things get tough maybe haveing a sympethetic ear is more helpfull than i think :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
Zash Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 One thing that almost anyone can do to help someone out, is just listen. Let them rant and go on about whatever has them upset, and they will feel better afterwards. Often they don't even want help fixing whatever is bugging them, they just feel better for not having to bottle it up inside. Some words of sympathy help too. If you want to do more, just ask, "Is there anything I can do?" and they will tell you what (if anything) you can do to help. It is the telling someone else what is wrong is what helps them organize things in their mind, and make sense of it. They often come up with the solution while they are trying to explain things to you. Also, don't pry. If they don't want to talk about it, don't badger them about it, you are just adding stress to the mix. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.