Am I Mixing Up Romantic and Platonic Feelings?

[Sabellidae]

I am a little confused about how to draw the line between romantic love/attraction and platonic love/attraction. It seems like everyone's definition of romantic vs. platonic is a little different from the next person's. How am I supposed to figure out if I experience romantic attaction or not if I can't even figure out what differentiates romantic love/attraction from platonic love/attraction?

I've experienced what seems to be romantic attraction, before-- I've wanted to snuggle and kiss and hold hands with people. I've wanted to do nice little affectionate things to let people know how much I care. I've loved people so much that I wanted to live with them and raise kids with them.

When I think about it, though, I've felt every single one of those things in platonic friendships, as well. I cuddle with almost all of my friends and I've had a number of friends who I've held hands with and kissed (and had sex with, but that's a different and less confusing topic) but never considered myself romantically attracted to or involved with. In fact, for a number of years, I've felt like I would rather marry and raise kids with a platonic partner than a romantic partner. I'm polyamorous, but I usually envision my ideal primary relationship being more of a physically affectionate, cohabiting/coparenting frienship than a romantic or sexual relationship.

I've also had more than one romantic relationship that grew out of close friendships, became romantic for a comparatively short time, and then went back to being equally strong (and often physically affectionate) platonic friendships. I have to wonder how much of that was actual romantic attraction and how much was me thinking "Oh, I'm so close to this person that I must be romantically attracted to them!" and convincing myself that the logical next step was a romantic relationship, when really it could have just stayed a close friendship the whole time.

So what is the difference? Have I just been mislabelling romantic feelings as platonic all these years (or vice versa)? How can I tell?

[poindexter]

No one can give you a clear definition of platonic or romantic attraction, let alone the differences between them.

What I personally believe to be "romantic" is pretty much what you described - hugging, kissing, raising kids... but it's up to you to define it for yourself. I mean, for example, I hug my parents, I might help my sister raise her kids one day, but to me that's a familial, platonic relationship rather than a romantic one. If I wanted to do those things with friends, I'd probably start wondering if that's more than just friendship... but I don't know. Why do I feel that's different from doing those things with friends? It's an internal feeling, I think. It's indescribable. And I feel like life is too short to worry about finding the right label, especially when there isn't one. Just pick whatever fits best and move on.

Edit: If you're looking for a dictionary definition, "platonic" means any intimate or affectionate relationship that isn't sexual. That's a pretty massive spectrum, but it might help you find your answer.

[Arctangent]

I've also had more than one romantic relationship that grew out of close friendships, became romantic for a comparatively short time, and then went back to being equally strong (and often physically affectionate) platonic friendships. I have to wonder how much of that was actual romantic attraction and how much was me thinking "Oh, I'm so close to this person that I must be romantically attracted to them!" and convincing myself that the logical next step was a romantic relationship, when really it could have just stayed a close friendship the whole time.

I can relate to this a lot. When it comes to defining platonic/romantic attraction, I have a history of overthinking and going back and forth on how to characterize my feelings. You're not alone there.

You might want to ask yourself how important it is to you to draw a sharp distinction between the two. In my case, after several years of waffling about whether I'm romantic or aromantic, I finally decided that it's best just to leave my romantic identity unspecified. I desire relationships that are fundamentally close friendships, but with levels of intimacy, emotional commitment, and affection that go beyond what is typically reserved for "just friendship." It doesn't matter to me whether these relationships include romantic attraction or not - I think both romantic and non-romantic relationships can potentially be equally significant.

Also, I'm polyamorous myself (and also a relationship anarchist). It's important to me to maintain the freedom to develop feelings and relationships with others in an organic, intuitive way, regardless of whether I'm in a significant relationship or not. Since I'm only willing to have completely nonexclusive relationships, I don't have to "reserve" romantic feelings for one relationship, so developing ambiguously romantic feelings for others isn't a problem. All this removes the need for me to label my feelings definitively one way or the other, which I've personally found quite liberating.

Your mileage may vary, though. If you still feel it's important to distinguish between the two, then it's ultimately up to you to decide where to draw the line. Many people feel it depends on the degree of physical affection they'd be willing to share with someone, but physical affection doesn't always involve romantic feelings for everyone (some aromantics enjoy it as well). In any case, it's pretty subjective.

[1/100 of me]

You're right, people's definitions of romantic attraction differ, and for that reason I think only you can decide what qualifies. In my opinion, kissing, cuddling, and holding hands have more to do with sensual attraction than romantic attraction. If I were to do any of these things with someone, I wouldn't say we had a romantic relationship. What I'm trying to say is, it depends on what term you're more comfortable using. Only the person in the relationship can define the relationship.

[between places]

for me, romantic and platonic love is the same. because there is no sex involved, but i still love the person. i mean, not as a friend, but more. i could easily make a commitment to a companionship, if i feel romantic or platonic love for someone. it (has) happens (ed ) rarely, and to me it feels like the ultimate love. more emotions are not possible for me to imagine...

romantic and platonic attraction can differ a little.

as for romantic attraction, im imaging myself with this person together in certain situations, which are special to me. i find that very romantic. like i deam of sharing my personal moments with this person.

platonic attraction for me is friendship.

but more the " a real friend" kind of friendship, someone I can trust and open myself to.

[Pangali]

For me:

Platonic attraction is the desire to be closer than friends or family to someone,but not to have any sexual contact and no kissing etc.

I percieve romantic attration as the desire to love someone and hug and kiss them and do 'normal' things that a couple would do, aside from having sex.

But as other people have said, do you feel any particular need to label it? If you're finding it hard to distinguish between the two then do you really need to?

[WhenSummersGone]

Much like sexual attraction romantic attraction is hard to explain, at least for me. It's how you see people and what you feel towards them. If you feel they are just friends then they are friends, but if you feel romantic love for them then that seems like romantic attraction. Platonic can lead to romance but not always.

[Lambda Corvus]

<...>

I've also had more than one romantic relationship that grew out of close friendships, became romantic for a comparatively short time, and then went back to being equally strong (and often physically affectionate) platonic friendships. I have to wonder how much of that was actual romantic attraction and how much was me thinking "Oh, I'm so close to this person that I must be romantically attracted to them!" and convincing myself that the logical next step was a romantic relationship, when really it could have just stayed a close friendship the whole time.

So what is the difference? Have I just been mislabelling romantic feelings as platonic all these years (or vice versa)? How can I tell?

I've been wondering if I do this, and if it is a valid phenomenon. I recently came out of a brief 'pseudo-romantic fling'. I say pseudo-romantic because the entire thing seems to have been an intellectual simulation -- a sort-of what-if scenario. Then I began to think "I'm attracted to this person, we are so close in so little time". Turns out, the part of my mind that I don't understand fought back, revealed the intellectual simulation for what it was, and killed many of the pseudo-romantic feelings. Afterwards, I realised that we are potentially close friends instead. It's actually relieving, in a way.

Yes, it is difficult to try to distinguish platonic and romantic feelings. They may even overlap in some cases. Some people don't have a distinction. If they are the same in you, that's nothing to worry about; it's just you. Nobody can tell you what is or is not platonic or romantic. Those elements are specific to you. However, we can consult the experiences of others, who may be similar to ourselves.

[between places]

and i remember something another one said about romantic feelings and attraction:

that the physical intimacy is just one manifetsation of romantic attraction. a very common one, but still not romantic attraction itself!

so maybe you are not mixing anything up at all...?

if romantic attraction can be completely non-physical, then it could simply describe the wish to partner up with somone, to share your life with somone, to be near someone and have a relationship.

platonic attraction would maybe mean someone you just want to be friends with.

so i´d say, the partnership you want to have with someone you feel intimate and close with but more like a companionship (non-sexually) rather than a passionate love relationship (sexually)- could still be a romantic relationhip.

romantic= non-platonic

friends= platonic

sexual= part of romantic, but not romantic in the whole...

does this seem logical to anyone?

[Lambda Corvus]

<...>

romantic= non-platonic

friends= platonic

sexual= part of romantic, but not romantic in the whole...

does this seem logical to anyone?

I've thought similarly about this. I wouldn't say that sexual relationship are part of romantic ones, but rather romantic relationships may be a component of sexual relationships. At least, that's what it seems like for many sexuals. Actually, it seems like sexual relationships usually include a mix of romantic and aesthetic attraction.

However, I would say that romantic relationships could also contain elements of platonic ones. For me, at least, I seem to think of romantic relationships developing out of close platonic ones, and necessarily include all of the features of them because of that.

[Epitaksor]

I hardly see a line between platonic and romantic attraction. More precisely, I can see a little difference, but the feelings are usually very similar for me and I would totally agree on making no distinction. Usually I am never entirely sure whether I am platonically or romantically attracted to someone; it's rather like a spectrum and I sometimes feel more on one side, sometimes more on the other. Also, my feelings can become fluid and platonic attraction can become romantic and back.

The only difference that I see is that platonic for me rather means to desire a deep connection, while romantic more to form a romantic couple. However, in either case I would mostly want to do the same things, so there is a big overlap and some small differences.

In my opinion, kissing, cuddling, and holding hands have more to do with sensual attraction than romantic attraction. If I were to do any of these things with someone, I wouldn't say we had a romantic relationship.

Same here. I could say I experience sensual attraction without romantic attraction. I may want to do such sensual things while explicitly lacking the desire to form a romantic couple.

[andrewharlan]

Jesus fuck this is so complicated.

Hm.

The way I saw it was if you're best friends with someone of whatever gender, and you want to get physical, that's romantic affection. Whether or not the feeling is mutual is a separate issue.

All my life, falling in love with your best friend is what felt right.