Masturbation and guilt

[Kanenas]

Hey guys! I am looking for advice. I am a Homoromantic with Asperger's syndrome. Biologically female and content with it, but not impressed with gender roles at all. I think considering myself graysexual is perfectly fine at this moment. Here it goes.

For me, masturbation and sex have always been very seperate things and I heard of alot of As and Grays who do it. I find it perfectly normal for us to do it or to not do it. Either way. I always knew that that little bit of libido I have is lower than what others feel, but was quite shocked to hear how many fellow Lesbians have sex multiple times a week and masturbate once or twice a day! I was surprised - once a week would have been too much for me. This is one of the things (while not one of the drastic ones, at all) I mentioned in my introductionary post. To me, it was never a big deal. I could care less, you know? But being an adult now and having to go out more than I would like to has made me compare myself to others more. A friend asked me how often I think people have sex. "Once a month, maybe?" I asked her. She knows how I am, but other people probably would have laughed at me.

When I masturbated when I was younger, it was maybe every two or three weeks. It was nice back in then, I guess I was curious and this was the outlet for the little urges I had from time to time. For some reason I am not sure of, I started having negative feelings some years ago. I was brought up in the Greek Orthodox faith with rather liberal parents who never shamed me about sexuality. Had they told me that masturbation was a sin, I would have not believed it. I see it as every human being's given right to release sexual tension. I might tend to view sex as something primitive, but not masturbation. That's just the way I personally feel. I came out to both of them as a lesbian and while my father really hurt me back in then, we are good with each other again. Mom's supportive, so are the other people I have told.

When I was 17 or 18, a switch in my head flipped. I started feeling guilty and remorseful after masturbation. This feeling hit me right after the orgasm, I could feel the down curve. I "rested" for weeks, then for months and tried it again, with no better result. It got more drastic with time, that I could not get my head free even. And then the feeling would come right with, not after the orgasm. Instant regret. Feeling down, with all energy drained. I never felt the dopamine rush like all the other people seem to do (I described my orgasms as "lackluster" to the aforementioned friend), but this made me feel like I am even feeling the complete opposite. Okay, doesn't want to enjoy masturbation - therefore can't enjoy masturbation is plausible. But I don't know what made said switch flip, before this, I was really okay with it.

As a consequence, I stopped masturbating for months,which was no problem at all. Quite the opposite, I feel very energetic and content when I don't do it. Moral of the story though, no matter how little libido I have, it is there from time to time. I do this regularly, but have always broken the streaks so far.Now, I came from a 3 month streak of abstinance (from Masturbation) and "relapsed" last week. The urge came out of nowhere and was incredibly strong. Otherwise, I would have naturally resisted it. If I feel a litle tingy once a month, then I am going to ignore it and do something productive. It's never been so strong. I did feel bad about it. Still wish I hadn't done it. But I saw how it made me feel about myself again and therefore I want to take this experience with me on the long road of... uncertainty? I really don't know where I am going. But when masturbation makes me feel bad, I feel that I should not be doing it. I feel like I should give it up completely and ignore these feelings. They are so rare, but I wish I never had them at all.

I have 0 urges to "take care" of this with another person. Like I said, that's two different pairs of shoes for me.There's been a rather recent instance... I was curious about a girl. We got along and then I felt a physical attraction towards her. I did not mind her hugging me and giving me a kiss on the cheek. But when I thought about having sex with her, it really disgusted me. She indeed came onto me a few days later and I removed myself from the situation. Maybe my feelings about this could change when I am in a devoted relationship, sure that the other person loves me as deeply as I love them I don't know. But at every past point and at this point, it's not an option for me.

There is this really interesting reddit seciton, humurosly called NoFap. They work together with Yourbrainonporn & Yourbrainrebalanced. So their core motivation is a little different, as it is aimed at people (mostly men) who have problems with compulsive behav ior and porn addiction / reality dissociation from overuse. But reading what the users report has helped me a little: http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/wiki/faq

Anyway, I would love to know why I feel this way. Not so I can masturbate merrily (I really do not wish to at all, I would be glad if my libido flatlines permanently), but to know what makes me feel so bad in the first place. I have been doing a lot of research, found people who have had similar feelings... But always for obvious reasons. I am reakky looking forward to receive input from this diverse community!

- How do you personally feel about masturbation?

- Do you think suppressing these feelings is a good or a bad idea?

- What do you think could be causing guilt and similar feelings?

When not motivated by religion, the upbringing, nonconsensual experiences, repressed memories and the likes...

[Vara]

I haven't personally had this experience in the same context but I've had experience with very noticeable associations between doing something and then afterward feeling a particular way and moving to doing the action and simultaneously feeling the response. It progressed to the point where I would feel the emotional response /before/ I did the action. Sometimes these were good things like when I was trying to learn to control my temper--I could see that I'd lost control after my blow-up, then while I was ranting and then just before I snapped....but sometimes they were negative progressions like when I started to do self-injury.

With nothing negative in your past associated with sexual expression I cannot think of a particular, specific trigger. I can think of some more abstract and 'what if...' ideas. Have you become emotionally closer to someone since this has started, or grown more distant? Has anyone in your family or among your friends had something serious happen like a car accident, cancer or death? There are times when because a loved one is suffering, you might feel guilty or Bad for having positive feelings.

I would suggest trying to see if you have milder feelings of guilt or 'Bad' about other things in your life. Especially things you normally enjoy. It is possible you could be going through a period of depression too.

Your focus and self-awareness are really very good and positive though and I am very happy to hear from someone who wants to take healthy steps toward a healthy life rather than just fixing the behaviour or wanting to just feel good.

[Kanenas]

Dear Vara, thank you for your reply. I can really relate to the tantrums you mentioned. Having Asperger's, I can get obnoxious when stressed out. As a result, I would throw temper tantrums when I was younger. I still feel the stress (and resulting anger) inside of me, making me tense and frustrated. Of course I try and hold them back now. Like you explained, I sometimes find myself at the point that I get more aware while the tantrum is actually happening - and therefore think twice about what I say or do next. I still have a lot of progress in that area ahead of me.

I have had chronic depressions for 13 years now and the feeling is very different. It feels like the energy has been sucked out of me and I am not sure whether this is a bodily reaction due to the stimulation and dopamine rush and release (which I, like I said, never feel strongly) or the remorse taking it's toll on my body and mind. Kind of like my body shuts down as a way of punishing me.

I have neither become closer nor distanced to someone in my life. My friends and family have thankfully also been fine through this time. The only way I could tie them into this is by mentioning that my father is a sex addict. He has cheated on every girlfriend or wife he ever had. And not once or twice, but weekly. When he can, then daily. Once I got over how he used and betrayed my mother, this did not bother me any longer - I don't care for his actions now that my mother is not being used any longer. That was a very negative example for me and made my very loyal character even more loyal. I would never hurt a girl like that, never! My father is very content with it, enjoys it and does not wish to change. Has always been successful with the ladies and if he wants to act out on this, so be it.

I thought my remorse was a stress-related reaction: "Shouldn't be enjoying this, better to do something else". But because guilt has been the natural reaction the last years. My only explanation is that my views on sexuality have somehow transfered to masturbation. I do not wish to have sex and am not sure this would change if I found myself sexually attracted to someone (this has yet not happened). To me, sex is primitive and a little scary when I am being honest. I do not want to have children, neither do I not want someone to touch my naked body. My logical conclusion was to abstain from it then and not get pressured into it by anybody or anything. And I have been consciously living like this and feeling good about it.

But, like I said though, I always thought of masturbation as something totally (optionally) natural. Why I cannot apply this to myself any longer, I do not know. Deep down, I don't want to do it and it comes very handy that I only feel the urge every 3 or 4 months. But not having these feelings at all is something I strive for - for a reason I cannot even name. Maybe I want to be what I see as "better" and am struggling with it...

[oldgeeza]

Masturbation is a subject that embarrasses many people, me personally, I don't care, you see, since 19, I've Ben impotent anyway, so with having no interest in sex & being impotent, if I want a form of relief, masturbation is the way I have to go, I will say that fetishes, however mild can get the feelings of arousal going, I have certain fetishes, that sets me going & I feel like masturbating, if I was faced with the person that got me to that state & she wanted sex........look out for the dust cloud cos I'd be off, I have no interest in sex whatsoever, but I do have fetishes & they involve members of the opposite gender, so to me, I don't find masturbating abnormal, in the same way, discussing my asexuality, or the fact that I'm impotent doesn't embarrass me in any way, although, I have seen those around me cringe or try to keep me quiet when I've mentioned being impotent, it seems to be a source of embarrassment