Don't Want Sex in a Serious Relationship, but I'm a Sexual Person

[QwertyTheSuperDog]

Okay, I'll get this out of the way right now. I sleep around, and change girls frequently. They're aware of this, and very little emotional damage has ever been done because of me.

Anyway, now that I've admitted to being a jerk, I have something to talk about. I'm a very sexual person, and sex is usually what I want out of a relationship. I'm not against having a real romance, and have a desire to marry, just haven't found a willing partner who's worth spending my life with. There is a girl, though, that I care a lot about, and want to peruse a relationship with (for reasons you can imagine, she refuses, but we're friends). And although I am certainly, ahem, sexually attracted to her, I... Have no actual desire to have sex with her. I really don't want to. The very idea of it just seems... wrong. I can't even "fantasize" about it without feeling uncomfortable. And that's not normally a problem for me.

And t's not just her. Every time I've ever felt serious about a girl (not too many times), this is the way it's been. These people tend to be the kind I have a sort of animal magnetism for, while at the same time, just can't bring myself to even pretend I would ever really have sex with them. And it kinda sucks. It's one of those ever-present "body and mind don't want the same thing" situations.

I'm not a very moral person, so I don't really know what this is. t's possible that there's some deep, psychological answer, or that it's just a really simple thing. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I just weird?

[Member54880]

Do you feel emotionally closer to her than other sexual partners you've had? Any romantic feelings?

I've heard of people who may experience sexual attraction, but either can't experience it to someone they're emotionally close to, or are repulsed at the thought of sex with someone they're emotionally close to. Does that fit what you're describing?

[QwertyTheSuperDog]

Do you feel emotionally closer to her than other sexual partners you've had? Any romantic feelings?

I've heard of people who may experience sexual attraction, but either can't experience it to someone they're emotionally close to, or are repulsed at the thought of sex with someone they're emotionally close to. Does that fit what you're describing?

Yeah, cheesy as it sounds, I think I'm in love with her. And yeah, the thought is repulsive, but I am sexually attracted to her, as in, she turns me on. I'm kinda gagging right now actually ^^;

[virtua]

Do you feel emotionally closer to her than other sexual partners you've had? Any romantic feelings?

I've heard of people who may experience sexual attraction, but either can't experience it to someone they're emotionally close to, or are repulsed at the thought of sex with someone they're emotionally close to. Does that fit what you're describing?

Yeah, cheesy as it sounds, I think I'm in love with her. And yeah, the thought is repulsive, but I am sexually attracted to her, as in, she turns me on. I'm kinda gagging right now actually ^^;

There was actually a discussion some time ago about someone who considered themselves the opposite of a demisexual, in that as soon as they developed romantic feelings for someone, the thought of having sex with them seemed repulsive. Perhaps what you feel is something like what is described here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/83215-the-opposite-of-demisexual/?

[Ravako]

Maybe you feel uncomfortable with the idea of objectifying them in a sexual way, so subconsciously you sort of try to avoid doing that.

[Potato]

Yeah I'm the one virtua's talking about and I think I did used to feel the same as you in that aspect but I got over it in realising that sex can (and imo should) be an expression of love. I stopped seeing it as objectifying them and saw it rather as just an embrace of passion between the two involved. It's that our society makes sex seem so objectifying that thinking of someone we love in the aspect bothers us, but sex doesn't have to be that way.

[DemisexualHulk]

Yeah I'm the one virtua's talking about and I think I did used to feel the same as you in that aspect but I got over it in realising that sex can (and imo should) be an expression of love. I stopped seeing it as objectifying them and saw it rather as just an embrace of passion between the two involved. It's that our society makes sex seem so objectifying that thinking of someone we love in the aspect bothers us, but sex doesn't have to be that way.

This. Also, I found this whole thread very interesting.

[between places]

wow, mee too.

Maybe your "sexual moves" are something you don´t want to "do to her", because it somehow means that you would "use" and not cherish her body???

[WhenSummersGone]

Have you grown up thinking sex is more a casual thing and nothing else?

[Guest]

More than "the opposite of demisexuality", I'd call it a simple separation between sex and love. It seems to me like the OP can enjoy sex without romance, and romance without sex. Weird as it might sound for some people, it rings as perfectly normal to me. Sorry that she rejected you, though. :(

[PendulEmPlum]

Maybe you just view sex as something fun to do with someone you don't care for so much, but when you have serious feelings for someone you don't just want to "have fun with" or "play" with them. Maybe that's all it is- just your subconscious view of sex as a not so serious thing.

Also, maybe the reason you're uncomfortable about fantasizing about her is because she's your friend? Since a lot of people usually have hangups about dating friends.

(I'm sorry if I just reiterated anything posted above!)

[Snusmumriken]

I agree with most of the opinions in the topic. Maybe you like sex, but:

wow, mee too.

Maybe your "sexual moves" are something you don´t want to "do to her", because it somehow means that you would "use" and not cherish her body???

That's the point.

[pinkroses]

im a little confused. O.o you have sex or is it sexual acts? i dont know perhaps maybe you are not just asexual or sexual? maybe for certain types of relationships you are one thing are different for another? in a serious relationship (which im not sure what you mean by "serious" which ones are not serious ? friends with benefits or something else? ) what do you want to do with them? do you want to cuddle them or .....

um not sure what else to put.

[QwertyTheSuperDog]

Yikes, that's a lot f replies since I went to work O_O I'll try and respond to them all in one.

First of all, I had no idea what demisexual meant, and had to look it up. I am intrigued by the idea that someone's emotions can have so much to do with their sex drive, and will definitely pay a visit to the discussion about being the opposite of demisexual, though, I do not think that is me. I am still sexually attracted to her, it's more of a mental reluctance to have sex with the people am serious about.

And yes, I do have an image in my head that sex is a kinda casual thing. And I'm aware that some, if not most, people do not view it this way, and that it means a lot to some people. For me, and I don't think this is how it's supposed to be, sex has always just been something to do, something fun. So to answer one of the question, yes. I'm comfortable in a relationship that has sex, and no romance. I'm sure about romance and no sex; I've never actually had a relationship like that before.

im a little confused. O.o you have sex or is it sexual acts? i dont know perhaps maybe you are not just asexual or sexual? maybe for certain types of relationships you are one thing are different for another? in a serious relationship (which im not sure what you mean by "serious" which ones are not serious ? friends with benefits or something else? ) what do you want to do with them? do you want to cuddle them or .....

um not sure what else to put.

Okay, this I guess I made unclear, sorry about that. What I consider a serious relationship is one that I'm truly invested in. It's a relationship where I can actually picture myself getting down on my knee and asking that person to spend their life with me. I do have few "friends with benefits", and I would give up that kind of thing in pursuit of a "serious", as I called it, relationship. I'm usually in open relationships where me, or my girlfriend, is having sex with someone else too, but have been in relationships where I am expected to be faithful, and am comfortable in them.

Being rejected by her kinda sucked, but that didn't stop me from being overly resistant for while, which just made her mad at me. I should have expected that, I guess. We're friends again, and I still casually bring up wanting to date her. My guess for why she won't is because of how many girls I've been sexually active with, that I smoke, and that I really just am not her type **sigh**

Overall, I'm glad I posted this thread, as all of your replies have been very helpful. I'm not really introspective person, but a friend of mine (coincidentally, the one I mentioned in the OP) has been encouraging me to figure myself out more.