Sex for the first time in a relationship

[pegasusoftraken]

*Polite Request* This discusses something personal and I would prefer it if anybody who knows me in real life (e.g. people who attend Scottish Aven-meets) didn't read any further. Thanks.

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I'm indifferent to sex, and have previously had various kinds of sex in a relationship, which I've been okay with. But that was a long time ago (over 4 years) and I've since realised that I'm asexual. And I'm worried about starting a new relationship. And I'm kind of looking for advice.

Most kinds of sex don't bother me, so much as having sex with somebody new for the first time. In my head, thinking about it, I'm okay with the idea with it, but I'm worried that I really won't know how I feel about it until it actually comes to having sex, since I'm so inexperienced with it. And that would make it difficult explaining to a partner how I feel about sex, or knowing when I might be ready for sex. I'm wondering if anybody's been in a similar position, and how you dealt with it?

Also, I'm trying to figure out how I feel about a partner touching my genitals. With a previous partner I really disliked it, but I'm unsure whether that was because I just really don't like being touched there, or if it was because of my ex's reactions to my physical responses never being "sexually responsive" enough. How can you figure out if you are repulsed by a kind of sex, or if you just aren't comfortable with it in certain situations (e.g. when your partner expects sexual response)?

[Lia]

Personally, for me it's been simply by trying it. If it gets to a point where sex is about to happen and you're not okay with it, you have the right to stop it. Screw the other person's cries of dissatisfaction and the like-not your problem. All you can do is be honest from the get-go: You might get to the 9th hour of foreplay and realize "Hey! This is so NOT for me!".

[Guest Scarlet Spider]

I can easily agree with you here. Even now i still feel indifferent towards the idea. I'm a virgin male who at one point never wanted sex, but lately i've had more time to think about it i suppose. Anyway, there's a girl at my college who likes me and if we started dating eventually we'll end up having sex. I'm not entirely sure i know how i'm supposed to feel about this, but everyone's told me to take things slow and it'll come naturally. Although they could've also meant relationship wise, considering i've never dated anyone before either. :o

And Lia's right sex isn't for everyone so when it gets to that point then don't be afraid to say something. Don't be afraid to tell the other person how you really feel, they should understand.

[kochouran]

I definitely agree with Lia's advice. In the beginning, I was worried that my partner was going to be in pain from sexual frustration. From what he says, it is aggravating, but no one is going to the hospital for blue balls (or the female equivalent). However, definitely mention to your partner that you're not sure how you'll respond to sex so that you can make sure he's okay with you stopping (and maybe you two can work out a back-up plan if he needs release).

[Nazzity]

I can really empathise... I had exactly the same problem in my last (only) relationship, and I've felt really guilty since for having inadvertently been a 'tease' (though at the time, I just didn't realise or understand what was required of me sexually or what I was doing wrong). I've been overthinking the idea of getting sexual with a new partner for months now, and it still scares me that no matter how much I overanalyse, it may still be completely different when I actually try.

I think, as others have said (and this is advice I need to apply in my own life too), that you should make it clear to any partners that you might abruptly stop proceedings when it gets too much, so that they can be aware that that might happen. If they're not down with that, or if they are but then act passive-aggressive/exasperated/blame you when it actually happens, then they're probably not worth doing something so intimate with.

[NigelFt]

I definitely agree with Lia's advice. In the beginning, I was worried that my partner was going to be in pain from sexual frustration. From what he says, it is aggravating, but no one is going to the hospital for blue balls (or the female equivalent). However, definitely mention to your partner that you're not sure how you'll respond to sex so that you can make sure he's okay with you stopping (and maybe you two can work out a back-up plan if he needs release).

I agree ... there is an old saying about the three most important things in a reltaionship ... communication, communication, communication ...

If/when you are in a sexual situation with a partner, be honest ... in fact, once you reached the point in your relationship where any kind of sexual intimacy becomes a possiblity, be honest. If they are a trully loving partner, they would understand.

I'm lucky in that my fiance is an understanding person. He understands that me being in a sexual situation in the past was ... messy ... to say the least. I will spare you good people the details, but suffice to say I discovered that he is a gentle lover, and healed a great many wounds ...

But the point I'm trying to make is that you need to be open, especially if you open to the idea of having sex with someone. You need not to go into great details about your past, but you should explain about you enjoyed, what you didn't enjoy, in other words, were your boundaries lie.

In terms of someone else touching your genitals, it would be hard to know whether its because it is someone else, or because its a specific individual. It may well help you to know if you find any kind of physical touch there unpleasent which means

yes I know, self exploration ... I know this might make you uncomfortable, but as I found out for myself, the only way I knew about myself was to explore how my body reacts to my own touch ...

The other important thing to know is how you react when touching another persons body; you may react differently, or you react the same, as when they are touching you. This is important; as Kochouran said, if you reach your boundary, but the perosn is very aroused, both of you need to work out where you go from there in terms of either stopping, or release, and how to do either.

I think, as others have said (and this is advice I need to apply in my own life too), that you should make it clear to any partners that you might abruptly stop proceedings when it gets too much, so that they can be aware that that might happen. If they're not down with that, or if they are but then act passive-aggressive/exasperated/blame you when it actually happens, then they're probably not worth doing something so intimate with.

I agree with the first part totally. Again, knowing where your boundries are, what you are and aren't comfortable is important, and being able to communicate that with your partner equally so.

The second part is a bit tricky, although the probably is an important clause. As I learnt for myself, being sexually fustrated can have various effects, including exasperation. That dosen't mean you shouldn't be with that person if that happens, but you have to put it in the context of the relationship, and what sort of compromise you both are willing to make.

[pegasusoftraken]

Thanks for your replies, they've helped a lot. It's the idea of having to stop half way through sex that's been worrying me so much, and so I've been stressing about not knowing for certain how I'll respond to sex. But if I talked about that with a partner I'm sure we could figure something out.