Frustrations, and Pickiness

[Shouri]

I need advice, so any input would be highly appreciated! And fair warning this is a rather long and verbose rambling batch of my thoughts, because it's a huge issue for me and I'm trying to figure it out...

Lately, I feel I've been suffering from something of an early mid-life crisis (I'm only 32). It's been a rocky road down the relationship path, and without much hope of finding a good solid foundation for anything. When I think I've met someone who might ACTUALLY fit my picky criteria, then things start to unravel and I wonder if I should settle or keep looking.

Let me back up a bit and explain.

I've had a horrible stretch of bad relationships. Every guy I've tried to 'date', and heck any girl I've made friends with in non-dating perspectives, end up thinking I'm a horrible awful person. And I'm really not... I think. But all this negativity makes me really hate myself, and doubt whether I should buck up and give up my principles in order to be happy.

After all, we're SUPPOSED to be happy when we meet someone, isn't that right? Now, I'm still seesawing about whether I need to have someone to be happy. I never have. I've never lived with anyone, other than college roommates and the parents growing up. I don't like sharing my personal space much, but I always imagined that there would come a time when I would meet someone and be able to do that. The problem is, meeting that someone.

Now granted, many guys (or girls) in this world are different than what we all look for. And even fewer of those understand what it's like to be asexual. So when you find someone who is supportive and understanding, and accepting, it's like a light turned on in your life.

I've had a string of guys treat me like absolute refuse after I tried very carefully to explain I didn't feel any connection, and then they lashed out with vicious destructive words, telling me how horrible I was, how I would never find anyone, etc. etc. (and one of these was after the 2nd date, another was before we even met). So... I'm a very cautious individual who doesn't jump in and give people my heart until I think that they may be right for me. I try to explain this plainly to everyone, lay out my 'rules' (guidelines really to explain how I behave and see the world), so that there's no surprises or unrealistic expectations. But it's so hard to get anyone to take them seriously...

Now the guy I've been considering dating is the first one who meets those patient qualities I'm looking for, someone who's understanding, accepting and ok with me being who I am. The FIRST. Isn't that sad? He and I have a lot of qualities in common:

1. We like the same things, movies, books, music, games, etc. He likes traveling, photography, hiking, which I also do.

2. He's not unattractive, fairly good looking, and isn't too big/large or too small/skinny. I'm kind of picky about this, I don't want large balding men, or fitness junkies. I want a normal guy with no extra paunch, and a full head of hair, who is well-kept, neat, and doesn't make your stomach turn, twist, or nose hairs curl when you meet him. (this is a very hard quality to meet, believe it or not)

3. He's serious about finances, retirement, saving for the future, and is not someone who spends frivolously on the latest gadget.

4. He's very understanding and patient, accepting of who I am, and willing to crawl along at my snail's pace as we get to know each other as friends, feel each other out, then decide when we're both ready if romance is in the works or not.

So... he's a pretty good catch on many of the major points that make him attractive to me as a future mate. Since I don't understand how being attracted feels like, this is the closest I can come, he meets the qualifications.

But.... There are some downsides....

1. He's not motivated enough. He has a good paying part-time job. Very well paying. IN fact, he makes more than I do at my college-degree required, 10-years + service needed full-time job at a professional venue. But he's not really... keen on finding his 'real' job, the job he went to school for, and dreams of getting. He SAYS he's motivated, yet.... it's been about 15 years since he graduated college, and he's still not gotten that job yet... not even an internship, not a foot in the door, nothing. He keeps saying he applies for things but is under qualified. And so I wonder what he's applying for.... is he saying he won't take a job that gives less benefits, pays less, even though it's his career track? Because I know that I had to do that on my path of life, it sucked yeah, but it was necessary to move forward, that you had to step back a few paces. That's life. So if he's waiting around for something to come to him, rather than going out to get it with gusto, that's a REAL problem for me. Huge. I want someone motivated to better themselves in life, to go out and get what they want, not sit back and wait for it to come to him.

2. He lives at home. Yes, he moved back in with his folks after school and hasn't left. And he's close to 40 years old. That's a HUGE HUGE PROBLEM. I don't care what kind of excuses he gives.... (his explanation was it was more accepted in this day and age with the economy the way it is). I get it. Moving in with the parents is smart financially. I did it for a year. I was VERY happy to move out again however and be on my own once more. His parents seem a bit more tolerant and passive than mine, if they're letting him do this for so long.... mine wouldn't. But my mind screams NO!!! when I hear that's his home life, living at home with his parents, virtually rent-free, a good nice slacker life with absolutely no responsibility to himself. Is this ok? Am I just really old-fashioned in my ways of thinking to believe that this is wrong, and something I should run away from at full-speed? Because that's my instinct, to close the door hard, and lock it on any chance for a relationship, because there's no way any guy who's mid-30's living at home still could be anywhere close enough to being grown-up for me....

3. He likes his video games. Now don't get me wrong, so do I. I've been known to spend entire weekends gaming. I'm not ashamed of it, but I DO want to kick the habit a bit, and not play as much once I have someone to do things with that are more social. It's just what I do to keep from being bored, depressed and lonely. I"m not a social butterfly, never have been able to make friends easily, and I've been 10 years solo without having any new friends to replace the ones that back-stabbed me and blackmailed me. I'm safer alone, and don't know how to reach out. But that doesn't mean that I want to STAY that way. Gaming isn't my life. I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I could.... and it really worries me that he's SO into gaming that when I suggested we go do something, his first response was 'or we could spend the day gaming'. And I lacked the courage to say 'um... no that's lame.'

4. He loves to swear. A lot. Well, for me. I can't stand haphazard swearing, aka the stuff that slips in as normal conversation. "This is some awesome ****. I don't mind it being used as a swear word when you're angry/frustrated as long as it's not a common thing. I do that, I surprise people when a swear word comes out. I don't see people who use foul language in common discussions as very intelligent or mature. I see them as still 'too young' for me. An adult shouldn't feel pride when he uses a swear word, or make a habit of using it as a description instead of something less obscene. It's just part of who I believe myself to be, above that kind of vulgarity. He's not. He's good about not using them when talking with me, and chastises his friends when they do. But when I'm not around, or when he thinks I'm not listening, it's coming out of his mouth freely. And I've mentioned this, and don't think it's going to change. I think less of him for this.

So.... therein is my dilemma. He's already said he's willing to let me be the one to make the first move, and that's great so I'm not under any pressure to decide right away. But what I'm afraid of is that he's too passive.... Not ever going to make a move about ANYTHING, and just going to his fail-safe way of doing things, and letting me be the one working for it. It means I don't feel pressured true, and that's a huge relief, but it also means I have to be the one driving the relationship forward, and I don't want it driven by me alone, I want it to be a RELATIONSHIP where both parties are equal. But yet... it's beginning to feel like he's treating this friendship like he treats his life, a 'whatever' attitude, and not really caring.

So now I'm worked up and confused and torn and twisted into wondering if I should tell him my concerns, say 'look we're going to make awesome friends as long as we keep doing what we're doing, but don't think we're relationship material', or try to talk to him about my concerns and see if he's wiling to step up. On the one hand, I don't think it's right for me to ask anyone to change their behaviors, actions or way of life because of me. I want them to change for THEMSELVES. It can't be pushed by your sig other or it feels like something you HAVE to do, rather than something you WANT to do to better yourself. I'm terrified that if I take this step forward, and try to change him he's going to resent it, or worse, he just won't change. And I won't be able to cope. But on the other side, it's getting to the point where I'm ready to throw in the towel and say enough. I've had nothing but failures, and pretty bad ones on the dating front, and I'm burnt out, tired and just don't want to go through the difficulty of it again. I can't handle it anymore, and would rather just say that I'm done and going to be single the rest of my life and that's that.

I THINK I want to find someone... mostly I want someone to spend time with, do things with, maybe that's not a mate but a close friend. In which case he still may fit the bill for that. But for a mate... I'm having my doubts.

I'm in such turmoil about this. It's a huge mental issue for me... do I give up on him, keep trying, give him a chance, or am I becoming so desperate I"m willing to settle? I don't know.... and it's eating me alive.

Anyone have any thoughts that might help to lend some outside perspective to my confused debacle?

[Mulan]

I need advice, so any input would be highly appreciated! And fair warning this is a rather long and verbose rambling batch of my thoughts, because it's a huge issue for me and I'm trying to figure it out...

Lately, I feel I've been suffering from something of an early mid-life crisis (I'm only 32). It's been a rocky road down the relationship path, and without much hope of finding a good solid foundation for anything. When I think I've met someone who might ACTUALLY fit my picky criteria, then things start to unravel and I wonder if I should settle or keep looking.

Let me back up a bit and explain.

I've had a horrible stretch of bad relationships. Every guy I've tried to 'date', and heck any girl I've made friends with in non-dating perspectives, end up thinking I'm a horrible awful person. And I'm really not... I think. But all this negativity makes me really hate myself, and doubt whether I should buck up and give up my principles in order to be happy.

After all, we're SUPPOSED to be happy when we meet someone, isn't that right? Now, I'm still seesawing about whether I need to have someone to be happy. I never have. I've never lived with anyone, other than college roommates and the parents growing up. I don't like sharing my personal space much, but I always imagined that there would come a time when I would meet someone and be able to do that. The problem is, meeting that someone.

Now granted, many guys (or girls) in this world are different than what we all look for. And even fewer of those understand what it's like to be asexual. So when you find someone who is supportive and understanding, and accepting, it's like a light turned on in your life.

I've had a string of guys treat me like absolute refuse after I tried very carefully to explain I didn't feel any connection, and then they lashed out with vicious destructive words, telling me how horrible I was, how I would never find anyone, etc. etc. (and one of these was after the 2nd date, another was before we even met). So... I'm a very cautious individual who doesn't jump in and give people my heart until I think that they may be right for me. I try to explain this plainly to everyone, lay out my 'rules' (guidelines really to explain how I behave and see the world), so that there's no surprises or unrealistic expectations. But it's so hard to get anyone to take them seriously...

Now the guy I've been considering dating is the first one who meets those patient qualities I'm looking for, someone who's understanding, accepting and ok with me being who I am. The FIRST. Isn't that sad? He and I have a lot of qualities in common:

1. We like the same things, movies, books, music, games, etc. He likes traveling, photography, hiking, which I also do.

2. He's not unattractive, fairly good looking, and isn't too big/large or too small/skinny. I'm kind of picky about this, I don't want large balding men, or fitness junkies. I want a normal guy with no extra paunch, and a full head of hair, who is well-kept, neat, and doesn't make your stomach turn, twist, or nose hairs curl when you meet him. (this is a very hard quality to meet, believe it or not)

3. He's serious about finances, retirement, saving for the future, and is not someone who spends frivolously on the latest gadget.

4. He's very understanding and patient, accepting of who I am, and willing to crawl along at my snail's pace as we get to know each other as friends, feel each other out, then decide when we're both ready if romance is in the works or not.

So... he's a pretty good catch on many of the major points that make him attractive to me as a future mate. Since I don't understand how being attracted feels like, this is the closest I can come, he meets the qualifications.

But.... There are some downsides....

1. He's not motivated enough. He has a good paying part-time job. Very well paying. IN fact, he makes more than I do at my college-degree required, 10-years + service needed full-time job at a professional venue. But he's not really... keen on finding his 'real' job, the job he went to school for, and dreams of getting. He SAYS he's motivated, yet.... it's been about 15 years since he graduated college, and he's still not gotten that job yet... not even an internship, not a foot in the door, nothing. He keeps saying he applies for things but is under qualified. And so I wonder what he's applying for.... is he saying he won't take a job that gives less benefits, pays less, even though it's his career track? Because I know that I had to do that on my path of life, it sucked yeah, but it was necessary to move forward, that you had to step back a few paces. That's life. So if he's waiting around for something to come to him, rather than going out to get it with gusto, that's a REAL problem for me. Huge. I want someone motivated to better themselves in life, to go out and get what they want, not sit back and wait for it to come to him.

2. He lives at home. Yes, he moved back in with his folks after school and hasn't left. And he's close to 40 years old. That's a HUGE HUGE PROBLEM. I don't care what kind of excuses he gives.... (his explanation was it was more accepted in this day and age with the economy the way it is). I get it. Moving in with the parents is smart financially. I did it for a year. I was VERY happy to move out again however and be on my own once more. His parents seem a bit more tolerant and passive than mine, if they're letting him do this for so long.... mine wouldn't. But my mind screams NO!!! when I hear that's his home life, living at home with his parents, virtually rent-free, a good nice slacker life with absolutely no responsibility to himself. Is this ok? Am I just really old-fashioned in my ways of thinking to believe that this is wrong, and something I should run away from at full-speed? Because that's my instinct, to close the door hard, and lock it on any chance for a relationship, because there's no way any guy who's mid-30's living at home still could be anywhere close enough to being grown-up for me....

3. He likes his video games. Now don't get me wrong, so do I. I've been known to spend entire weekends gaming. I'm not ashamed of it, but I DO want to kick the habit a bit, and not play as much once I have someone to do things with that are more social. It's just what I do to keep from being bored, depressed and lonely. I"m not a social butterfly, never have been able to make friends easily, and I've been 10 years solo without having any new friends to replace the ones that back-stabbed me and blackmailed me. I'm safer alone, and don't know how to reach out. But that doesn't mean that I want to STAY that way. Gaming isn't my life. I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I could.... and it really worries me that he's SO into gaming that when I suggested we go do something, his first response was 'or we could spend the day gaming'. And I lacked the courage to say 'um... no that's lame.'

4. He loves to swear. A lot. Well, for me. I can't stand haphazard swearing, aka the stuff that slips in as normal conversation. "This is some awesome ****. I don't mind it being used as a swear word when you're angry/frustrated as long as it's not a common thing. I do that, I surprise people when a swear word comes out. I don't see people who use foul language in common discussions as very intelligent or mature. I see them as still 'too young' for me. An adult shouldn't feel pride when he uses a swear word, or make a habit of using it as a description instead of something less obscene. It's just part of who I believe myself to be, above that kind of vulgarity. He's not. He's good about not using them when talking with me, and chastises his friends when they do. But when I'm not around, or when he thinks I'm not listening, it's coming out of his mouth freely. And I've mentioned this, and don't think it's going to change. I think less of him for this.

So.... therein is my dilemma. He's already said he's willing to let me be the one to make the first move, and that's great so I'm not under any pressure to decide right away. But what I'm afraid of is that he's too passive.... Not ever going to make a move about ANYTHING, and just going to his fail-safe way of doing things, and letting me be the one working for it. It means I don't feel pressured true, and that's a huge relief, but it also means I have to be the one driving the relationship forward, and I don't want it driven by me alone, I want it to be a RELATIONSHIP where both parties are equal. But yet... it's beginning to feel like he's treating this friendship like he treats his life, a 'whatever' attitude, and not really caring.

So now I'm worked up and confused and torn and twisted into wondering if I should tell him my concerns, say 'look we're going to make awesome friends as long as we keep doing what we're doing, but don't think we're relationship material', or try to talk to him about my concerns and see if he's wiling to step up. On the one hand, I don't think it's right for me to ask anyone to change their behaviors, actions or way of life because of me. I want them to change for THEMSELVES. It can't be pushed by your sig other or it feels like something you HAVE to do, rather than something you WANT to do to better yourself. I'm terrified that if I take this step forward, and try to change him he's going to resent it, or worse, he just won't change. And I won't be able to cope. But on the other side, it's getting to the point where I'm ready to throw in the towel and say enough. I've had nothing but failures, and pretty bad ones on the dating front, and I'm burnt out, tired and just don't want to go through the difficulty of it again. I can't handle it anymore, and would rather just say that I'm done and going to be single the rest of my life and that's that.

I THINK I want to find someone... mostly I want someone to spend time with, do things with, maybe that's not a mate but a close friend. In which case he still may fit the bill for that. But for a mate... I'm having my doubts.

I'm in such turmoil about this. It's a huge mental issue for me... do I give up on him, keep trying, give him a chance, or am I becoming so desperate I"m willing to settle? I don't know.... and it's eating me alive.

Anyone have any thoughts that might help to lend some outside perspective to my confused debacle?

i guess you already know what to do (bold highlights)! don't hurry into relationships. take some time be friends with this guy and see how it goes...