katnya Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I really want to. I feel like I'm hiding something from him by not telling him. He knows I'm asexual, but still. I'm worried all telling him is gonna do, is spark up some conversation about sex and/or kids, and that's exactly what I don't want. I wanna just be able to tell him, have him be happy for me, and then we both just move on like I never said anything you know? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
The Scrabbler Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I'd say tell him. He'd probably find out sooner or later anyway, and it's better to have the conversation on your terms. If he's going out with you while knowing you're ace, it's clearly not a dealbreaker for him. Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Well, we're doing long distance. I worry also that he thinks I'm gonna change and um Dx Link to post Share on other sites
Vampyremage Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Moved from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Relationships. Asexual Q&A Moderator Vampyremage Link to post Share on other sites
Veeri Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Relationships are stronger when there's good communication. If it starts up a conversation, that's not always a bad thing. If the situation were flipped, and he was the one on AVEN, would you want him to tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 If he already knows you're ace, I don't see a reason why not to tell him you're on AVEN. Keeping my fingers crossed for you he'll react like my partner did: being very happy for you you found a place to learn more about yourself and talk to others who understand you in a way most peeps can't! :) Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I told him, but he said I'm just worrying about everything too much, and that I have several years until I really have to worry. I don't think he truly understands my asexuality :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I can totally relate. I've told my hubby in two different conversations I'm asexual but if I were to bring up that I was on here or Anything about being asexual it's turn the convo into you can change/ fix it/ do this or that differently... I'm not asking so much ect ect... My head says you should deffinitly tell him because honesty is always better but my heart says maybe not.. But them again I'm married and honestly just trying to make it through hoping one day he will accept me... Tell him cuz if a bad convo does come up honestly sooner is much better then later!!! :/ good luck Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 I told him. ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Did it go well? Link to post Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Congrats ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 no. I posted above that he thinks I worry about the future too much, and he also assumes my asexuality is just a phase that'll disappear after we get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 :o Oh no that isn't good I am sorry :( Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 I know. I'm so worried about what's gonna happen when we get there and he sees I'm not budging =X_X= Link to post Share on other sites
Touchofinsight Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 I know. I'm so worried about what's gonna happen when we get there and he sees I'm not budging =X_X= He is not taking you seriously because he is ignoring reality. He is most likely going oh that isn't the way things are because this is what I want and that would ruin everything. This isn't being done a conscious level its a defense mechanism where someone ignores the truth because it is easier then facing the potential reality and the consequences that come with it. More simply put its avoiding the issue. You need to approach him again with this issue. You need to tell him straight up this isn't changing this is my sexual ideology. Can you both find compromise on some level, are either of you able to change or budge in your ideology. If you can't I highly recommend you break up. I have read posts about eluding to you guys getting married in the future, but these are issues that need to be tackled and resolved before you should ever make such a commitment. ah here it is: "Since he doesn't believe in sex til' marriage, I assume by the time we got married(if things work out), he'll expect me to be "ready". But in all honesty, I can't see it. I can only see myself forcing myself to do something I don't wanna do. That's terrible. Very true. Thank you revy. " Marriage wont change anything in your relationship, it is a ritual and involving the government in your relationship, (legal arrangement). You need to CLEARLY tell him that you don't know if you'll ever be ready for sex. If you both can't come to an agreement where his sexual needs are satisfied else where when you get married then he has to consider getting into a completely sexless relationship. Please word your ideology clearly as you can, leave as little room for interpretation as possible. This is an important issue that needs to be tackled before you guys progress any farther. If you don't and get married there is a lot of potential for resentment which you don't want to experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Celeritas Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 *hugs* I'm sorry this isn't going so well. This is really something the two of you need to work out. I wish you good luck with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Naosuu Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I'll just offer my 2 cents. Take it or leave it as you will. I'm going to be blunt: a purely LDR is a fuzzy relationship area. I know both of you are emotionally attached to each other and you feel like you know each other, but the physical arena is severely unexplored. They might have some funny quirk/odd tick you're not aware of, simply because you're not in each other's physical presence. Before you guys talk about marriage and its impact on your sexuality (which, Touch as explained, really won't), I think you guys should explore the physical aspect of a relationship: hugging; cuddling; kissing; hand holding; etc. Just speaking from experience, there is usually some awkwardness when making the transition from electronic communication to real life, no matter how emotionally close you guys are. I'm also hesitant for a relationship to only explore its sexual aspect after marriage. Marriage by itself is a pretty big commitment, especially if one is religious. When you realize that sex is often a deal breaker, it sets the stage for a very unhappy and unfulfilled marriage. Do you know if he's totally against any kind of sexual exploration? From my understanding, most people are talking about intercourse when they say "sex". Do you know if he'd be open to trying oral and manual stimulation? There are some asexuals who can compromise without any detrimental effects. Some can even get a level of enjoyment out of it. Either way, it's not something you guys should jump into, but I think something to think about. I definitively recommend meeting first before talking sex and getting hyped up about it. Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 I'm not interested in any sexual thing. Especially oral. So disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 Touch- But every time I bring it up, he says I need to stop worrying about it so much. Celeritas- Thanks. Naosuu- (a response to the rest) We always talk about how we wanna sleep together(literally sleep), hold hands, cuddle, hug, snuggle, and kiss. We never discuss sex. I mean, we did discuss it months ago, but it was disastrous, and I really just hope he'll listen eventually. It's not what out relationship has been built on though. I remember he once told me that even if we never did anything, he'd still love me just as much. I hope he still thinks that. I don't know and I don't care cuz I'm definitely not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 If he won't talk about it I wouldn't push it, he knows how you feel, and he will respect it if he cares about you. You aren't tricking him you specifically said you weren't interested. I don't think you can do anything more. Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 I agree, Gir Link to post Share on other sites
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