New here - Partner of an Asexual

[Sedativa]

Hi!

I already postet in the Welcome-section, but here is probably the right place for me. Sorry for repeating myself.

I'm a mid-thirty female Sexual, living in a relationship with an apparently (my assumption) asexual partner.

I've joined this forum to try and understand my boyfriend better, find ways tp cope with our different ideas of sexuality, maybe find others who have experience with asexual partners for advice or just someone who understands all the mixed feeling this brings to me.

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now (I know this is not a long time), and so far we haven't had "full" sex at all.

My boyfriend doesn't get arroused. In the beginning he blamed nerveousity (how do you spell that???) and told me it would get better in time, which it didn't. By now, we're at a point where he can't even talk about the subject, and I mean he physically can't, I can see him crawling back when I try to adress it, which I do less and less, as not to torture him.

I (he?) don't know precisely whether he actually IS an Asexual, mayber there are other reasons (trauma?) which make this subject too horrific for him even to discuss... I don't know. He says he doesn't feel any sexual desire at all and (before meeting me who does feel it) was happy with this.

Whether this is true, or there's another reason, I'm a long way away to find out, so for now, I assume he's asexual.

Our relationship is very good though, I love him, we match perfectly otherwise, he's the best man I've ever had!

We have a lot of physical contact as well i form of cuddles, massages, kisses... and occasionally he actually will fulfill MY sexual needs - but this is a favour for me, not his desire, and its not intercourse.

It's hard for me to maybe having to accept that sex will never be a part of our relationship, especially as I really want children - so does he, by the way. Befor him, I would never have thought i could actually live without sex for more than a few weeks, but apparently I can .... If it could be changed though, I would be over the moon.... Well, so for it's not changing, so I slowly try to think even more long term - and thats why I'm here.

Seda

P.S. I'm not a native speaker, so please excuse any mistakes ;)

[Sedativa]

I first posted this in the Welcome Forum, but since this seems to be the better place for it, I think it should continue here:

This is what I wrote:

Of course I don't know for sure whether my boyfriend's actually asexual, but some aspects sign towards asexuality (I think/fear), like the fact that he just don't care about sex (or so he claims) and that is has been this way all his life.

I don't know whether he can't be aroused because he doesn't care or whether he doesn't WANT to care as self protection because there is some other reason why he can't/doesn't want to be aroused.

In one way, I still hope the latter is the case, because this would be something we could maybe work on, if he really IS asexual, than the way it is now would be the final state of our (a)sexuality.

There again, if there was another reason (medical or psychological), it might be "not treatable" as well or cause a lot of pain to deal with (thinking of sexual trauma).

He's not completely unable to gain an errection (is it okay to speak so freely in her - if not, please edit), he's had the odd one in the beginning of our relationship, in anwer to physical stimulation by me - but he seemed very uneasy with it, didn't want it, leave alone persue any further. Nowadays I restrain from trying to arouse him, I know he doesn't want me to, I don't want to push it - first the talking should happen (wishful thinking).

He doesn't like being touched sexually at all. It makes hem extremely uneasy, he than retreats / tells me to stop / makes excuses....

He told me in the beginning, he'd be willing to do something to change this situation (I don't like to call it "problem", because it is only for me, not for him, well it is now for him as well, because it is for me). To seek advice or help, medically or psychologically.

But the more time goes by, the less willing he is to do so. His idea is to wait until it all works by itself.

He won't see a doctor. He let me take his blood once, so I had loads of tests done (after researching the possible physical reasons for lack of libido or errectyle dysfunction) - no results there.

The (NOT) talking is the biggest problem now. He would talk in the beginning, but here also, he's hardly at all willing to approach the subject any more. "Not willing" is not right though - he just can't. I can see that. If I start (which I did regularly first, now only once in a while), I can watch him feeling uneasier with every word, he seem like he wants the earth to swallow him up, he can hardly speak, if he does, he immedeatly changes the subject (talking about something competely different), or just kisses and hugs me, or just turns away or goes to bed. Begs to not tackle the subjekt "right now". Promises later. Pinned on a date for "later", he chooses one months away.

I think he would speak more in the beginning out of fear of loosing me, trying to reassure me, it would change someday.

He knows, or should know, by now, that I won't leave him over this, there's so much more to him and our relationship than this, and even though I would never have thought I would say this and mean it one day, I now say I'd rather live with him without sex than with sex but without him.

I do articulate this to him as well. And I try not to be too pushy about talking about the subject, but maybe this makes it worse?

I just want to now what exactly is the matter and whether or not it can be changed. If it can't, well than it can't. But as long as I can't be sure of that, it won't leave my mind. And yes, I very much wish that maybe, maybe it can be changed, I admit this.

I don't wont to blackmail him into action/speaking, but waiting and being gentle doesn't seem to help either. He know's it's a big thing for me, I think he would do something/talk if he could, but for whatever reason, he can't.

Thanks for listening! Seda

[Lady Girl]

Hi again Seda. Well, first of all it does sound like the not talking is the greatest obstacle you are facing right now. I realize it can be difficult to talk about these things, and I'm going to guess that he may even feel it is somewhat threatening to his sense of masculinity. That may be part of the reason he is avoiding discussing the issue.

The psychological factors would be difficult to deal with as you mentioned (if trauma is the cause), but possibly not as difficult as you anticipate? Anything medical may or may not be treatable. Asexuality usually does not change...usually. People can make certain efforts for a partner, in order to have children, and perhaps for one or two other reasons, but basically speaking, most asexuals do not desire sexual interactions (and it sounds like if your boyfriend is asexual he falls into this area). No amount of working on it, is going to make them feel that they want or desire partnered sex. They may have sex but often describe it as going through the motions, or like it is a chore they must complete.

I don't know how reasonable it is to expect yourself to live this way for the rest of your life. I really believe you need to have a talk with him. It is entirely up to you how you handle your relationship of course, and I do wish you the best.

[Lucinda]

Hi Seda!, :)

I would suggest that one thing you need to talk about ... again ... is the subject of having children. Does he really want children because he wants children ... not because you want them or other people think couples should have children ... but because he actually wants children? It's a big lifestyle change that requires a large financial consideration. If so, was he thinking about both of you using the IVF method and when? If not, then he needs to speak up and say so and discuss what his plans are for the foreseeable future.

You say he sexually satisfies you, but just doesn't do intercourse. If the main reason you want intercourse is to start a family, then this seems to be the real crux of the matter. If he is sitting on the fence on whether or not he wants to raise children ... and would rather put off any action until he is sure ... then this may be what is happening. If having children is important to you, then you may want to find a man who eagerly wants children instead of one who is unsure.

I'm just trying to give you a way to tackle the issue from a different angle. He seems quite happy with the status quo. You are not. You are the one who has decisions to make. Sometimes hopeful wishful over-the-moon thinking can be our worst enemy especially when it is dependent on someone else changing. They may never change because it may not be in the cards.

All the best,

Lucinda

[Sedativa]

Hi :)

On the subject of children, I'm pretty sure he really does want them.

When we first met, not being a couple yet, not even thinking about maybe becoming one (I was married than), I asked him to describe himself in one sentence and he said: "I'm Single, childless, and deeply unhappy with that."

He said the thing he really wants in his life ist a family and children. So yes, I think he really does want them.

We are both old enough (mid-end-thirties) and financially secured to have children.

As to myself, I already have two children, aged 9 and 14 now, so I know what I'm talking about. I always wanted a big family / more children though, its a wish I have, but it's not something I really desperately need (anymore). So yes, I would really love more children, but I could also accept it, if there were no more.

It's him, who hasn't got any (of his own) an wants them.

I occasianally remind him, ask him, if he wants children, we need to somehow talk about how to produce them ;), but he keeps saying, it'll solve in time.

I would like full intercourse not ONLY because it does increase the chances of getting pregnant (haha), but also because it's something I got used to in my former life, I enjoy(ed) it, its different than just oral sex, and it really does turn me on, to feel his errection *blush*.

...

"I don't know how reasonable it is to expect yourself to live this way for the rest of your life."

Sometimes I don't know myself. At times the longing for "proper" sex is so strong, and I really want him to feel the pleasure I do and the intimacy, the greatness of an orgasm.... I think, he's missing out. I know how great sex can be, I really want him to know as well.

If he really IS asexual, than these thoughts are probably wrong.

On the other side, I've had a really good sex life so far, for the last 17 years I really cannot complain at all. I had my piece of cake. And I've had a few relationships and I know what can be good, what can go wrong; and considering all this, our relationship and this man is fantastic. Yes, there's a part missing, but there's SO MUCH I would give up, if I left because of that.

Sometimes I'm even grateful, he's had this problem, otherwise he'd probably be taken and married away now and I couldn't have him.

Seda

[Sedativa]

Hi,

I've now managed to pin my boyfriend down for a date to talk.

I just sat ther with my organizer, asking him to agree on a date for a talk where he'd at least try and answer, insisting for it to be this year - well now we've got the 15th of december.... we'll see.

Also, I showed him the main page of this forum, explaining asexuality, asking him to read it, which he did (he scrolled down). Asking him what he thought. I got an "hmmmmm" (thats the best kinda answer I can get from him on the subject of sex). I asked him, whether he thought, this may fit - he again gave me an agreeing "hmmm".

So, tiny progress towards clearing the situation there.

By the way, I also asked him to move in.

Just thought I let you know.

Seda

[Lady Girl]

Good luck when you have that talk Seda! I hope you two can work through this in a way that is satisfactory to both of you.