Having sex you do not enjoy?

[sketcher]

I know that a lot of asexuals here compromise and agree to have sex at times? I have read of frequencies as regular as once a week on AVEN.

As far as I am concerned, I just would not be able to do that. I do not like physical intimacy at all. I do not like cuddling and kissing either. Trouble is I have got married slightly less than a year back. I didn't know I was asexual then. Since marriage, I tried to initiate sex, because that's what couples do. but God it has always been traumatizing. Since then I have had a journey of self-discovery which led me to Aven... which explained so many things about myself. Things that I suppose I always knew, but never really knew to acknowledge. I always thought sex just happens between people and I thought it would happen for me too. THat was not to be.

I have told my wife about my inclination for sex. I have used the term "asexual" as well, and told her about AVEN. Though I doubt she's visited this site. She's asked me a couple of times about when we were going to initiate sex. I have told her that we should have a schedule. She then replied that she would want me to enjoy. I told her that it would not be possible for me to really enjoy sex. I would do it because it would help building an intimacy. But I could not enjoy the act itself. I was as diplomatic as possible. Since then, which was about 5 days back, the topic has not come up. Now I don't really know how to go about this whole thing. I don't really want my wife to feel as if I am doing her a favour by having sex. But I can not really admit in all honesty that I liked having sex.

How do mixed couples here reach a sexual compromise here? Especially once with strong asexual inclinations. It feels like my whole life is hanging in balance here. And I feel really guilty about not satisfying my wife's sexual needs. I have been thinking about an open marriage, but its very difficult in my social environment. Not to mention, my wife herself will probably be scandalized speechless if i suggest it.

Gosh, i wish i knew about asexuality before marriage :(

[Lady Girl]

Hi again. You've been reading about me and my compromise in that other thread. I have to say, I am glad for you that you found out sooner than later. It could save you years of frustration and heartache.

I don't know about the suggesting she go elsewhere...do you even want an open marriage? It's probably not my favorite solution I guess because sexual people usually (not always) like to have sex with people they love or at least like, so to ask us to have sex with someone else but refrain from loving them seems too difficult. Also, she may be very hurt by the suggestion, I don't know, maybe not. It does work for some people.

My husband, who is very much like you in regards to sex, has told me that it means something to him because it means something to me and he loves and cares about me. Other than that, he would rather not at all, I know this. It's hard for me to balance in my mind his love for me and the favor aspect of it as you say.

If you think a schedule would help you, maybe try it but don't tell her what the schedule is? Besides wishing that you would enjoy it, she also probably wants it to be spontaneous. She may eventually realize and accept how it really is for you, maybe she's just not ready yet? Also, if you work alone on the schedule, you might be able to figure out a frequency that is comfortable. I know once a week would be too much for Mr. LG, but it may not be for you.

Maybe you could show your wife the front page of AVEN...there is a relationship FAQ page that might help...here. These questions and answers helped me a lot. I wish you the best skethcher!

[Guest]

Explain to her that you do not enjoy the PHYSICAL act, but you do enjoy making her happy (which I assume you do, since it distresses you). A schedule is how I compromise with my boyfriend - 3 days one week, 4 days the next, that is what he says is the minimum he can do. You don't have to be super strict on the schedule, you can always just agree on an amount of times per week, or per month, or whatever and then surprise her with something she views as romantic, if an exact schedule would be too much for her. I hate the actual act of sex, it's boring, gross and honestly I just sit there running song lyrics through my head the whole time. But, I enjoy how it makes the relationship easier. I look at it like I hate doing the dishes, but it makes life easier to have clean plates. Make sure she understands it is NOT HER AT ALL but sex in general. The initial reaction of sexual people to being told you don't like sex, is for them to think they are too ugly/unattractive to turn you on. Which is silly, but that is how their view of sex is and it's hard for them to understand just not desiring something that is so vital to them, unless you no longer desire the person.

[Guest]

There are no easy answers here. On the one hand, you do want your wife to know you are doing her a favor by having sex, because if she didn't know how you feel about it, she'd be trying to have sex all the time, she'd be mad at you, and things would be generally bad. But on the other hand, now that she knows you don't want it and don't enjoy it, she's not going to want or enjoy it as much either. Eventually someone is going to get resentful of someone, and this whole issue will blow up again. I can predict that cycle with about 98% accuracy, methinks.

I've personally found that it helps to be open and honest. It sounds weird, because it involves a lot of saying and hearing things that you don't want to say and hear, but it's nice to have everything on the table. If there are no real solutions, being heard and understood at least helps.

btw... we tried to do once a week years ago, but it was impossible. It just never happened, so I had to affirmatively say "we are not longer shooting for once a week" because it left me disappointed every time it didn't happen. I'd rather not look forward to something that isn't going to occur, and the truth is, she didn't even notice, so she usually thought we had sex more frequently than we actually did. All of these wrinkles get worked out over time, and with practice.

[Paper Owl]

Yeah, I'm dealing with this too (sort of). My boyfriend was feeling really rejected because he was always being turned down. I finally sat him down and told him that I was asexual (I didn't know when we'd started the relationship) and that sex was never on my mind, and that it would never occur to me to initiate/I wasn't really going to want it. He was visibly upset and sort of said 'fine' but refused to discuss it, so I just kept talking, and offered a compromise of essentially trying to initiate sometimes.

Since then he's either forgotten or pretended to have, so it gets tense sometimes when he constantly tries to initiate - so it can be rocky. I do it because it's important to him, and makes him happy, but I'm really just somewhere else. It does tend to strengthen our relationship, especially on his side.

Just make sure it's not something you're being guilted into - If you do anything with the intention of making her happy, that's okay, just make sure you aren't being forced. In any case, try not to let it stress you out too much, that can put additional strain on the relationship.

I'm just going to leave some cake here.

[sketcher]

Thank you so much every one for your kind words. Another issue is that how in the world am i supposed to make the act enjoyable and passionate for my wife? It's really traumatizing to think of all the making out involved leading up to the actual act of sex. I suppose I can push my head down and power through it... but I feel it will be so obviously painful for me that my wife will be too turned off to want it.

Another issue is that my wife's a virgin. We live in a fairly conservative environment. I can't really rely on her to make anything easier for me in any way. What I am saying is that, she probably is too shy to initiate sex, and I am too freaked out to initiate it. In the end she just ends up wondering when sex is going to happen. She's been very accommodating and kind all this while to not make too much of an issue out of it. But I am sure it troubles her a lot.

@Liara - You are right. I did make it very, very clear that it's not her that i find unattractive. That was one of my first things I did.

@Skullery - That's what I am worried about. About resentment building underneath. From both sides. A lot of life decisions are on hold. Right now where we live, we are surrounded by a lot of my in-laws who give us a lot of company and keep us occupied quite a bit. I very earnestly am holding off some career moves which will take me to another country. because I don't want her to be alone if the lack of sex becomes too unbearable and she has no one around to support her except me - the source of all the trouble.

@ladygirl - Yeah, I have been following your comments. The biggest trouble in having a schedule in my head is that I will have to initiate sex, something that I currently find very difficult to do.

@paperowl - I think even if I have sex for her happiness, I will be basically forcing myself into it. I am just praying that I find the courage to handle it. And then handle it again. And again. Not easy at all! And you are right about the stress too. At least for me, that stress is perpetually there. Every night there is a fear lurking what if she tries to initiate it today. I don't even like the customary good night kiss that we have got into the habit of sharing. Every night I can feel her trying to make the kiss passionate which just freaks me out all the more. On a side note, is that an actual paper owl? It looks really cool! Did you make it?

[test account]

Hmm.

[Guest]

Thank you so much every one for your kind words. Another issue is that how in the world am i supposed to make the act enjoyable and passionate for my wife? It's really traumatizing to think of all the making out involved leading up to the actual act of sex. I suppose I can push my head down and power through it... but I feel it will be so obviously painful for me that my wife will be too turned off to want it.

Another issue is that my wife's a virgin. We live in a fairly conservative environment. I can't really rely on her to make anything easier for me in any way. What I am saying is that, she probably is too shy to initiate sex, and I am too freaked out to initiate it. In the end she just ends up wondering when sex is going to happen. She's been very accommodating and kind all this while to not make too much of an issue out of it. But I am sure it troubles her a lot.

@Liara - You are right. I did make it very, very clear that it's not her that i find unattractive. That was one of my first things I did.

@Skullery - That's what I am worried about. About resentment building underneath. From both sides. A lot of life decisions are on hold. Right now where we live, we are surrounded by a lot of my in-laws who give us a lot of company and keep us occupied quite a bit. I very earnestly am holding off some career moves which will take me to another country. because I don't want her to be alone if the lack of sex becomes too unbearable and she has no one around to support her except me - the source of all the trouble.

@ladygirl - Yeah, I have been following your comments. The biggest trouble in having a schedule in my head is that I will have to initiate sex, something that I currently find very difficult to do.

@paperowl - I think even if I have sex for her happiness, I will be basically forcing myself into it. I am just praying that I find the courage to handle it. And then handle it again. And again. Not easy at all! And you are right about the stress too. At least for me, that stress is perpetually there. Every night there is a fear lurking what if she tries to initiate it today. I don't even like the customary good night kiss that we have got into the habit of sharing. Every night I can feel her trying to make the kiss passionate which just freaks me out all the more. On a side note, is that an actual paper owl? It looks really cool! Did you make it?

:( I'm really sorry. This sounds like a tough situation for both of you and I have absolutely no advice. I'm afraid that my relationship is heading to the same place yours is at... my partner is getting less enthused about sex as time goes on, and OMG you should have seen her face the last time we had sex and I made her make out with me. I feel a bit traumatised about the whole thing. She says everything is fine and it was fine and she feels fine about it, but I'm not a stupid person, I can tell that's not true. What to do? No idea. Hope neither of us ends up hating the other? Fingers crossed!

In all seriousness, though, I feel for you. I'm hopeful that if you guys love each other enough, it'll work out, but... I know that's not the typical path these things take. I do agree with Sweetex that it'd be in both of your best interest to spend some time exploring physical touch that both of you enjoy. Take sex off the table for 2 months (pulled that time frame out of my ass) and instead, cuddle, give massages, and/or whatever else you both enjoy. I think that will bring a lot of the intimacy back.

[sketcher]

This is not going to help, but I'm curious--did you not imagine what sex would be like with your wife before you married her? Did you have any fantasies at all? What was your idea of physical intimacy? Was cuddling as far as your imagination wandered?

And I would next ask, have you discussed with your wife what kind of physical closeness, if any, you do enjoy? Say you only like holding her--is there anything wrong with just doing that for a while and then see how you feel? In my opinion, if you go from no contact straight to vaginal penetration, you are likely to be physically and emotionally shocked. If that's what happened with you, it might be a good idea to step things down a bit and see how you go.

The reply might have TMI...

I did not imagine or fantasize about sex with my wife. As far as ideas of physical intimacy are concerned, I always knew about the whole gamut of things. I have seen porn. Growing up in a generation where media bombards you with how couples ought to behave physically it's impossible to not know about physical interactions between a couple. As such I have dated earlier, kissed, made out and even had a brush with intercourse (I can not describe my emotions at that moment. The sheer repulsiveness of the sexual act and an unquestioned conviction that that’s what couples do colliding and making a black hole inside my head.) I always attributed my physical discomfort with a girl to not being emotionally close enough. I have always been masturbating. Long before I knew what sex was. Then as I grew up, sexual fantasies started getting imposed on the act of masturbation. Now that I think back, I was never really thinking about the act of having sex during masturbation. It was just a physical response. I do find girls attractive. But I have never had the thought of "Gee, I want to have sex with her." So that’s that then.

With respect to discussing with my wife... she is not a very discussing sorts. So most of it was one sided conversation by me. What I have told her is that I do not like sex, and I am repulsed by it. Her response to it was that we should try it before I decide. Which led to more explanations on how it’s not sex with her that I don’t like, but sex itself. I have told her that I would try and have sex, and I need to figure out how to condition myself into it. (Honestly though, it scares me stiff to think of having to do it). Somewhere along the line, my wife also mentioned that she would want me to enjoy sex (or was it that she wouldn’t want to do it, if I didn’t enjoy it? Perhaps that’s just something I would have preferred to hear?). We do have this thing where we kiss each other good-night every night. I can tell you I do not like it, one bit. She likes to cuddle while sleeping which is something I hate too. (How can one sleep while perceptibly being warmed up by some one else’s body heat?) I wouldn’t mind massages, though we haven’t tried that. But I wouldn’t really consider that too much of a sexual act. Now that I am writing this response, and thinking and analyzing what exactly I find repulsive… I suppose I could do stuff to her, as long as it doesn’t involve her doing stuff to me. I don’t want to be kissed or felt up. Perhaps I could do it to her instead. That would be a good first step. May be?

[Lady Girl]

I'm sorry to hear all this sketcher, I was under the impression that you were closer to indifferent. It does sound like you are quite repulsed. My situation is not as much like this, my husband is uncomfortable rather than repulsed.

I suppose you could try as you have suggested...doing things to her. I think it might be hurtful to her if she begins to respond back by attempting to excite you as well and you stop her. I almost think you would need to discuss that scenario with her first.

I don't know, this is a very difficult situation. I think I might feel extremely burdensome and needy if I were your wife. Do you think either one of you can accept this kind of pressure and/or deal with it in a constructive way? Have you considered divorce? I'm really sorry, I feel like I'm being mean saying these things, but I want to be honest if possible.

I don't think I would feel ok having sex with my husband if I thought he felt that horrible about it. I suppose what you are thinking of trying may work if you clue her in as I suggested (perhaps tell her this is something you want to try?).

I have noticed the less assertive I am during our interactions, the better they seem to turn out (for both of us actually).

[test account]

Hmm.

[Guest]

I find it interesting that you think of sex as "doing things to" each other. I don't think we need go into TMI on a public forum (and I think what you said was fine). I think it is interesting that you speak of sex in that distant sense though.

Wow, thanks for bringing that up... I find it interesting, too, because I completely share that "doing things to each other" view. (So much that I wouldn't even have noticed without you saying it, because it just seems such a completely natural way of looking at it, for me... as in "wait, that's not how everybody sees sexual activities?!?" ) Now I wonder if that's "a repulsed thing"?

[Lady Heartilly]

I find it interesting that you think of sex as "doing things to" each other. I don't think we need go into TMI on a public forum (and I think what you said was fine). I think it is interesting that you speak of sex in that distant sense though.

Wow, thanks for bringing that up... I find it interesting, too, because I completely share that "doing things to each other" view. (So much that I wouldn't even have noticed without you saying it, because it just seems such a completely natural way of looking at it, for me... as in "wait, that's not how everybody sees sexual activities?!?" ) Now I wonder if that's "a repulsed thing"?

I don't really have much of value to add, but I just wanted to say that I think of it that way too. I've even explained my lack of desire for sex as "I don't want someone doing that to me."

[test account]

Hmm.

[- - - - -]

That would be a good first step. May be?

I have found that the absolute best first step towards solving a problem that involves mutually exclusive interests is to find out what exactly each party needs, what exactly the hierarchy of these needs is and how far they'd be willing to move in the other party's direction in order to achieve a compromise.

For all we know it could turn out that your wife just wants your touch and closeness, and that her needs would be sufficiently met by you enjoying giving her a back massage with warm oil and candle light twice a week.