Trust

[Jeremy44]

I just wrote up this essay-like thingie based upon several PM conversations I've had with various people in this community. If you ever care to look me up, you'll see I don't post here very often; heck I knew about AVEN back in 2003 and didn't bother to create an account back then. As a lurker, I've talked with several of you in PM*, as that is where I feel comfortable. However, one topic keeps coming up when talking about relationships with those whom I have PM'd. Trust. I don't know if this is the place for this (forum wise), but it feels very relationship heavy.

I'd love to hear what other people think. People struggling with trust, people who have brilliant ideas around how to trust, people who have trusted and found it worked (or didn't).

- Jeremy

* I have tried to make sure this essay does not contain anything personal that has been said to me in private as that to me would be a betrayal of trust.

Trust

I have been thinking on this topic for a while now. I’ve talked to a number of people, on the topic; many whom feel broken when it involves trust, or are fearful. They all have different limits. I by temperament tend towards being open, but not always trusting. I recall one person describing their life as being in a glass box (it was a public posting), with few people who can get in, but everything exposed, so it can’t be used against you. I recall hearing a story (apocryphal?) of someone being kidnapped, all their clothing being taken away, and held in a basement where they could get out, but because of the lack of clothing, they refused to leave. That to me is a different sort of “trust” issue, where you are not open nor do you trust those on the outside, but rather remain in a bad situation. Then there is the experiments by milgram (look it up) which indicate we do truth “authorities” far too often.

I guess there comes a few questions. What is trust? When does it end and faith begin? When trust is broken by one individual, should that break trust for a set of individuals? How (and should we) judge those who want our trust? How do you get someone to trust you? How do you get to a point where you can trust after feeling so hurt by a betrayal?

Per Google, trust is: Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Thus we trust modern engineering every time we drive over or under a bridge, in that the vehicle won’t blow up, the QA process for the vehicle/bridge will prevent some sleepy worker from making a mistake and that the bridge will hold in spite of gravity. Of course, every once in a while that trust is shaken. However, with people it is a little tricky. Different people work differently; there is no consistent rules (although we are getting better at understanding people per psychology). How do we balance this with the desire to not feel so alone in the world, with the need to express and be observed expressing?

Faith is a belief without proof. So to trust without proof is when something becomes faith. Should we have faith in people we don’t know? From my personal experience, most people who have any interest in a long term commitment tend to not want to break trust, but how do you know they have that interest without taking their word for it (thus faith)? So far, the best I have come up with is to watch a person, give a little, something you can live without being hurt badly and watch what they do with it. Do they metaphorically screw you? Then move forward, slowly, but with honesty until you feel comfortable. Are there better ways?

How do we judge the results of our little “tests” in trust? How do we judge a person’s character? Context + Actions is the most traditional form of judgment I’m aware of. Most anti-judgment stories are about not understanding the true context or not knowing the true actions. If you keep that in mind, that you’ve got a limited point of view, and that one false move is not a complete failing of another party, you can slowly build up a understanding, and either decide someone isn’t for you or that someone can be trusted just a little more. So when you look at the world that way, life gets simpler. An interesting and related question is how many people have told you they are sorry? Truthfully, not many have for me, but when someone does, I do listen. How many tried to fix the mistake(s)? Not many, most people are too interested in their own little world. Finally, how many keep doing the same thing over and over again? If someone says they are sorry, and then does the same thing, I might not hate them, but I start thinking back to the story of the frog and the scorpion. Small spoiler for the story; the final words of the scorpion is to say it’s sorry to the frog, because what it did is in its nature.

These last two questions go hand in hand, and I’ve been wondering about them for ages. Many people in this modern age complain about being lonely. If we all got together, all the “lonely” people, we’d make a rather large city, so what is it that keeps us away? What can I do better to allow someone to attach to me without fear of being hurt? One ironic thing is to judge less. I say ironic because I talked about judging previously. I’m not actually saying to stop judging per-se, but rather to apply those judgments really late in the game. Allow someone some mistakes and continue to accept them anyway. Ultimately, most people don’t see themselves as villains, and perhaps if you can learn to see from their point of view, you will learn they aren’t so bad either. If they are, well then you can without guilt say goodbye. I believe these ideas are the basic foundation to how one can learn to trust again, even if ever so slowly.