Afraid of relationships?

[Odeen]

Perhaps my problems have nothing to do with sexuality and my perception of it, but I've been stewing over the like ever since I was able to put a finger on what was going on with my body.

About 3 years ago, I think, I discovered that I was asexual (in the actual "this is me" function of discovery; I'd made a similar statement about being completely disinterested in ever having sex when I was 13, fully 6 years prior). I had been dating a wonderful guy then for a little over two years, and my aversion to taking our relationship to the next level was what ultimately led me to that realization. When I told him I was asexual, he was supportive and understanding, but didn't know if he was ready to commit to a lifetime of celibacy, and within a few months for one reason or another we broke up. I've not entered into relationships with anyone since.

Fast-forward to today. A man (sexual, as it were, and certainly not a virgin) I've known through online gaming since shortly before the break-up with my last boyfriend, and with whom I've spoken extensively and become very close friends with over the intervening years, informed me six months ago that he liked me as more than a friend. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's crazy about me.

At first I felt a little bit betrayed, because he was one of the people who helped me cope with my boyfriend troubles (and later breakup) and talked with me a lot about asexuality, and he assured me he wasn't doing any of this to try and garner extra favor with me. It being two years later, he was probably being completely honest and didn't realize he would stay in touch with me for so long, but I still told him I didn't know exactly how I felt about him (which is true; we've still never met) but I like him and value him greatly as a friend and wasn't ready for anything more, especially something so long-distance. I told him last time I'd dated one of my best friends, I lost him - which is true. He seemed to understand and asked instead if I would ever be up for having lunch with him and meeting him properly if he ever comes down by where I live, to which I agreed. Things pretty much went back to normal after that.

He's out of town tonight (which is pretty much same old same old for me, since he lives over a thousand miles away; he's just not online), but we exchanged a few texts and the last one he sent ended with "Love you, hope you sleep well." I immediately started crying.

I did the same thing when my last boyfriend first told me how he felt, and neither time was a happy feeling. I value this guy's company as much as I valued my ex-boyfriend's company, we have loads in common, we're interested in the same things and we handle each other's quirks really well, but even though I know he's been crazy about me for at LEAST half a year and probably a fair bit longer than that, I'm upset with myself when he says so. I feel like I'm AFRAID of people loving me as more than friends because I won't be able to make them happy. In hindsight, it's probably why I never once made a serious effort at finding another boyfriend after losing the first, despite the fact that I'm a cuddle whore and a bit of a romantic.

Ok that got long. Um.

Does anyone else find themselves fearing relationships or relationship opportunities? If so, do you think your asexuality is one of the things that makes you nervous about them? I feel like a headless chicken right now, I guess.

[Texace 12]

I didn't discover I was asexual until I last September. Just this past May-June, I had a chance to be in a relationship and things were going great, but she was sexual and I was asexual. I think my asexuality derailed things, but it wasn't all the asexuality. There were several factors that would have caused it to end in disaster so we decided to become "just friends." Well, I still developed feelings for her and it's hard to let go. We've ceased all contact with each other so that my heart can reset. We'd like to be friends, but it's hard. Of the ONE serious relationship I've had, after a period of one year without talking and getting over each other, we've managed to stay in contact and have become pretty good friends with no strings attaches. It is possible. Time is a great healer. I know I'll get over this latest "crush" but it's made me realize how damning asexuality can be for a relationship. I seriously didn't "choose" to be this way.

Best of luck to you in what happens. I know how damn hard it can be. We must have strength and hope the right person is out there staring at the same moon at night and that we'll meet them someday. ~SSSIIIGGGHHH~

[simplymaya]

sometimes. I am not experience at all in the dating scene, but sometimes I feel like I am not actually asexual but just afraid of getting into personal relationships with people.

Don't worry I have a shitload of friends, but I would find it weird if I ever had a boyfriend (mostly because I find myself so damn unlikeable).

Sometiems I am scared because when I see my friends go out with others, it's great and then it crumbles. and poof! I don't see the other person anymore. My friend (or others) talk shit about him (or her) and now I have to pick sides. I HATE THAT. I hate being in a situation like that with my friends and I don't want that to happen to me.

I think I am also afraid because I will never be able to make some happy or compromise with a sexual (especially on sexual things) I just can't (maybe my slight replusion to sex is also a factor) but I just will not be able to provide what the other needs. So yeah, I don't think of myself as a relationship kind of person...

[Cimmerian]

I feel like I'm AFRAID of people loving me as more than friends because I won't be able to make them happy. In hindsight, it's probably why I never once made a serious effort at finding another boyfriend after losing the first, despite the fact that I'm a cuddle whore and a bit of a romantic.

Does anyone else find themselves fearing relationships or relationship opportunities? If so, do you think your asexuality is one of the things that makes you nervous about them?

I get very hesitant/cautious when it comes to relationship opportunities. I'm an utter romantic, but when it comes to relationships I never consider myself to be enough for my partner.

If I'm not yet dating them, but it would be possible then I worry that I can't/ won't be enough to make them happy, so, especially if they seem interested in someone else, I won't say a word about liking them.

I don't think my asexuality has anything to do with this feeling, for me, though.

[MadRat]

Does anyone else find themselves fearing relationships or relationship opportunities? If so, do you think your asexuality is one of the things that makes you nervous about them?

Yes and yes.

I had fear of relationships before I knew I´m asexual. At those times it was more like "No, I can´t date anyone because boys want sex and I can´t imagine having sex yet." It has never been a big problem because boys usually are not interested in me "that way".

Since I´ve found out I´m asexual I´m more comfortable about the whole issue because there´s nothing to consider, nothing to think about - I would date only another asexual. All sexuals are automatically friend-zoned. Problem solved. :)

[Empty Chairs & Tables]

He's out of town tonight (which is pretty much same old same old for me, since he lives over a thousand miles away; he's just not online), but we exchanged a few texts and the last one he sent ended with "Love you, hope you sleep well." I immediately started crying.

I did the same thing when my last boyfriend first told me how he felt, and neither time was a happy feeling. I value this guy's company as much as I valued my ex-boyfriend's company, we have loads in common, we're interested in the same things and we handle each other's quirks really well, but even though I know he's been crazy about me for at LEAST half a year and probably a fair bit longer than that, I'm upset with myself when he says so. I feel like I'm AFRAID of people loving me as more than friends because I won't be able to make them happy. In hindsight, it's probably why I never once made a serious effort at finding another boyfriend after losing the first, despite the fact that I'm a cuddle whore and a bit of a romantic.

Ok that got long. Um.

Does anyone else find themselves fearing relationships or relationship opportunities? If so, do you think your asexuality is one of the things that makes you nervous about them? I feel like a headless chicken right now, I guess.

I was always afraid of or disconcerted by someone caring too much about me (including the whole "I love you" thing). I do not think this has any relation to my asexuality, but rather is due to me having trust issues as well as a major insecurity complex. I think some of it comes from a (probably mistaken) feeling that loving someone acts as a chain to that person (this comes primarily from my familiar relationships, I believe, but unfortunately carries over into every sort of relationship or possible relationship). Love should not be a chain or a box, but for me, it often felt like it would be, so I did not want to hear it. I was (and even still am, to a degree) very afraid of letting someone I cared about down, and if they did not care much about or expect much from me, I did not have to worry so greatly about letting them down.

It was vastly different with the right person, though. Sure, there was nervousness about the idea of being in a relationship (because I'd never been in one), but everything felt right and like a natural progression of the scenario, so I didn't feel deterred by the nervousness of something that was new to me.

For me, the above was completely true. I am in a mixed relationship (if that is relevant here), and am incredibly happy. I still have issues with not feeling good enough for my SO, but we love each other and will say so, and I am (more than) OK with that. So I will second what CBC stated; with the right person, the fear of someone caring too much (mostly) disappeared. This relationship is right for me, so many things that were issues previously have simply become non-issues (and this is my first relationship ever). I was pleasantly surprised, though there are definitely still things for me/us to work through. But our relationship is worth it.

[Vivi]

im 21 and ive currently been talking to someone almost twice my age for the last six months i believe. i made it very clear i wanted nothing but platonic relationship and so it was as such but just like you op he ends up telling me hes falling for me and immediately i want to cut him off. take him off my fb, erase his number and his exsistence. I also dont think im physically attractive or very likable. i know that regrdless of what people say once they falling for someone they dont think. i know its very odd but once someone tells me they like me i put up defenses because i dont know how much of your desire might control you. and since im finding out that i am more sex repulsed and my friends have begain to believe in asexual less that not only im i frighten of relationships im becoming completely appall which sucks becuase its carrying over into my frinedships too. i think your cause you should actually express this to the person i know you fear losing them but it might get you the comfort you need..

[princesspeach]

I've always, since like year 5, had a crush on someone. The latest couple were for years each :\ last year I found myself talking to one of my friends (i used to work with him and he goes to another school so i hadnt seen him in ages) more often and I gradually started to like him and we flirted etc. then he asked me on a date (which was totally shocking and I was actually really happy). But when we were on the date I felt like all that "liking" was just fading away and by the end of the date I didn't really like him anymore. And this wasn't the first time it had happened either.

Now I'm thinking that everytime I actually have the chance to be in a relationship with someone I will stop liking them :\

Does anyone know why? I've been dating my best friend for a few weeks and I'm really scared its not going to last!