love?

[TheDark1]

I'm ace but I believe I'm aromantic. I'm trying to understand the idea of romantic love or having a romantic orientation. As an asexual and some1 who doesn't desire to have sex, y do u want a partner? I'm not trying to be offensive at all. I am just trying to understand things. What is the difference b/w a close fiend and a romantic partner if sex isn't involved? how do you know u r in love? also what is the difference b/w a crush and a squish? Thx for the info guys :)

[Pandoren]

I think in some ways it is harder to explain to someone who is aromantic what the difference is than it is to explain to someone who is sexual. Essentially love is a form of emotional connection that feels (usually) distinctly different to a friendship, although what exactly registers as "love" to any particular person may be different. People desire more things from a partner than just a sexual relationship. Some people want that monogamy, the closeness, to be wholly known by someone and to know someone wholly in return, to have someone they enjoy spending long amounts of time with. To devote their lives and future plans to and with someone. Love can be butterflies in the heart and missing someone before they've even walked out of the door.

Of course, some people have very strong friendships that might, when put into words, meet the criteria that other people place on a romantic relationship. That's another thing that makes it intensely tricky to describe.

I'm sort of technically grey-romantic, although I just say "aromantic" these days because I've only experienced romantic attraction about twice and in the end, I don't want a relationship. The idea sounds pretty invasive. I don't want someone hanging around like a bad smell all the time. I don't want to compromise with another person. I want my own life and to be in control of my own life.

[PoeFreak]

for the solid friendship without it being odd if I want some more physical touch.

[seinneadair]

I'm ace but I believe I'm aromantic. I'm trying to understand the idea of romantic love or having a romantic orientation. As an asexual and some1 who doesn't desire to have sex, y do u want a partner? I'm not trying to be offensive at all. I am just trying to understand things. What is the difference b/w a close fiend and a romantic partner if sex isn't involved? how do you know u r in love? also what is the difference b/w a crush and a squish? Thx for the info guys :)

Well, I'm still not sure I have the best grasp on this, but when I was first trying to figure all of this out, right after I heard about asexuality, I read C.S. Lewis' book The Four Loves and although I thought it had some serious problems, probably mostly because it's dated (like the idea that men and women can't be friends because they have nothing in common, etc.) I think what Lewis had to say about the difference between friendship and romantic love helped me a lot. He said that friends are two or more people who share ideas, interests, etc. so they are like two people standing side by side, sharing in whatever happens. He said that in romantic love, there are still two people, but rather than standing side by side, they stand face to face, and although they also share whatever may happen to them, they are oriented toward each other, so they enjoy something because they are with the other person and experiencing things in relation to the other. I'm not explaining this well, but I think essentially he says it's a difference of focus - is the other person in your peripheral vision or are they the focus point and kind of functioning as a mirror for yourself? - ex. you feel compassion for a friend who is suffering, but the other person's suffering for people who are "in love" becomes your suffering. I guess it's a "deeper" kind of "special"-ness, so a romantic relationship becomes more about wanting to know the other person completely than wanting to enjoy life in their company. Lewis also mentions exclusivity - in a completely platonic friendship, more people who become friends increase every one of the friends' joy, but in a romantic relationship, having other people around would not add to their joy, because it comes from being with the other person.

Again, I'm not an expert on any of this, and it is an oversimplification, but I thought I would pass on something that helped me to start to understand this because I don't know a better way to say it.

[Guest]

I am not aromantic. What i get from a friend is great.. but from a partner is just so much deeper. You learn to trust them and connect in a way that is beyond friendship. For me, I do get those funny butterfly feelings and even after 11 years someone i love can make me smile by just saying hello. It is hard to explain... it is just an emotional need I get that friends cant provide. I don't care about sex but cuddling and kissing are fun. * shrug *

[X-24]

Sometimes I feel like you and I can't really understand the motivation behind a romantic relationship. I enjoy being alone and having someone hanging around you all the time seems like it would be claustrophobic, like you couldn't be your own person. But other times I really long for someone who totally and completely understands me and who I could be around all the time and feel completely comfortable with. To use a cliche I suppose what I'm looking for is my other half, someone who fits with me seemlessly. And I don't really see sex as being part of that bond. That's what I think romantic love is.

Of course all of this could be possible with a really close friend but never having had one of those, i don't really know.

[cold_moon_rising]

for the solid friendship without it being odd if I want some more physical touch.

This essentially. But also I think some people seek a romantic relationship because at the end of the day, a friend will usually go home, but a SO will go home with you. This is a generalization and not accounting for friends who are also roomies lol.

[Guest]

Sometimes I feel like you and I can't really understand the motivation behind a romantic relationship. I enjoy being alone and having someone hanging around you all the time seems like it would be claustrophobic, like you couldn't be your own person. But other times I really long for someone who totally and completely understands me and who I could be around all the time and feel completely comfortable with. To use a cliche I suppose what I'm looking for is my other half, someone who fits with me seemlessly. And I don't really see sex as being part of that bond. That's what I think romantic love is.

Of course all of this could be possible with a really close friend but never having had one of those, i don't really know.

The claustrophic thing is why a lot of married couples etc have their own friends, lives away from their partner and personal spaces... girls night / boys night stuff. Obviously if your partner wants to know something its good to be honest but you gotta have some space and time for yourself or it is unhealthy. :)

[Grace Barton]

I'm ace but I believe I'm aromantic. I'm trying to understand the idea of romantic love or having a romantic orientation. As an asexual and some1 who doesn't desire to have sex, y do u want a partner? I'm not trying to be offensive at all. I am just trying to understand things. What is the difference b/w a close fiend and a romantic partner if sex isn't involved? how do you know u r in love? also what is the difference b/w a crush and a squish? Thx for the info guys :)

This is a question that has been bugging me for years. I'm an aromantic asexual yet I find myself desiring romance, just from no actual person.

I do want a partner, though, for companionship and the odd cuddle when I need it. But I find it hard to 'find' one when I cannot make any romantic or emotional connections. My friend tells me I should check out asexual dating sites and make an emotional connection with someone, but I see no difference between that and a friend. I have a 'connection' to my friends because they're people I laugh with and get along with... I've no desire for them to cuddle me or anything. So what is the difference? What makes the emotional connection you have to a friend any different from the emotional connection you have to a partner?

I guess the main answer to your question is that a romantic relationship is based on feelings of romantic attraction and wanting to be with that person, just not desiring sex with that person. I think the two feelings--romance and sex--are very different drives, and it is possible to have one without the other. Otherwise people wouldn't go around sleeping with others they didn't much care about or say 'well, I slept with him/her, but I didn't love them'. The reverse works, too. 'I love him/her, but I don't want to sleep with them'. I think society's expectations force us to believe that in order for it to be a true relationship, both romance and sex must exist between partners. I disagree with this, and I'm sure plenty of asexuals who are in relationships will say the same.

(What on earth is a 'squish'?)

[Snuffs]

Ideally, a romantic partner SHOULD be your best friend, too! It's just... the connotations are different. It's a different kind of love. When I think of my significant other, my chest aches and I want nothing more than to hold his hand. I want to be with him, even if we're just sitting together, without speaking a word. My heart beats more quickly when I hear him speak. He makes me excited to wake up in the morning, and he's always somewhere in my thoughts. This is a horrid cliche, but it's the truth - I feel like he's a sort of extension of myself, as if he's my other half. I love him just the way he is, flaws and all, and I know he feel the same way about me. I'm very grateful for our relationship. I want a partner because I want someone to share my whole self with. I don't think sex needs to be a part of that at all. (In our case, it wouldn't be an option, anyway. He lives across the country.)

As far as knowing when you're in love... Well. There's no set parameters. It's something you're able to define for yourself. No one else can ever tell you that you are or are not in love. It's for you to decide.

I'm a little shaky on the squish thing, myself! Sorry! I've seen it used in different contexts, and I wouldn't want to feed you information that's incorrect.

[skenasis]

I wanted a relationship because I wanted someone to share every aspect of my life with. And as someone above said, friends go home at the end of the day, but your partner goes home with you. I have different feelings for my partner than I do for my friends, even my best friend. I feel like it's a deeper connection. And I can share things with him that I've never shared with anyone else (and never will).

Another way to look at it is that you have a vulnerability with a partner that you don't have with friends. You expose yourself, figuratively and literally, far more than you do with friends. A partner has the power to bring you up, or down, like no one else has, and you're trusting them with that power. Trusting that they won't hurt you. It can be very daunting, but very rewarding too.

[hm76]

This is a difficult one and I think what 'being in love' is really depends on the person themselves. As far as the difference between best friend and romantic partner that is something I found hard to work out earlier this year. For me it was to do with the intensity of feelings and how much I missed the supposed 'friend' when they weren't around.

I'd had a best friend before, I really enjoyed his company, we spent a lot of time together, I felt that we had loads in common and when he wasn't around I would miss hanging out with him. However I was just as happy spending time with him and other friends as I was being with him on his own and when he'd go away I'd miss chatting to him but could easily distract myself by hanging around with other friends instead.

With this other 'friend' I couldn't stop thinking about them and especially during weekends when I had more time on my hand just wanted spend time with them, just the two of us. It also didn't matter what we did together, I never wanted to go home at the end of the evening! Also I suddenly understood why couples would want to hold hands and why people who'd been in a good relationship before didn't think much of being single for a long period of time. The funny thing is I wasn't even looking for a relationship when I met them and was perfectly content being on my own,family members had given up suggesting that I look for someone after years of trying to persuade me!

[helana12_03]

Back when I wanted a bf (years ago...) I wanted someone to be closer to than a regular friend. I wanted to see him more frequently than I would see my friends and share everything with him. I also wanted some minimal physical touch (such as kissing and cuddling).

[Aspiecat]

A 'squish' is, essentially, an asexual crush.

I am demiromantic and had never felt romantically towards anyone until I met my SO. I can even picture us (we have a long-distance relationship atm) welcoming physical intimacy, which is pretty new for me as even cuddles revolt me in general. Yet the thought of spending the rest of my life being in love with this one person and having a physical as well as intellectual and emotional relationship with him makes me feel warm all over.

[Empty Chairs & Tables]

I am demiromantic and had never felt romantically towards anyone until I met my SO. I can even picture us (we have a long-distance relationship atm) welcoming physical intimacy, which is pretty new for me as even cuddles revolt me in general. Yet the thought of spending the rest of my life being in love with this one person and having a physical as well as intellectual and emotional relationship with him makes me feel warm all over.

:) Congratulations. That sounds lovely (and it sounds very similar to me, aside from the "long distance" thing).

[TooOldForThis]

I think that romantic feelings tend to be, while not necessarily more intense than friendly ones, of a slightly different sort. For me, romantic feelings tend to include not wanting to be apart from the object of the feelings any more than is absolutely necessary for continued functioning, wanting to do have more in the way of physical contact (hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, even snogging, and sleeping together - as in actually sleeping, not anything sexual), and (as cliche as this probably sounds) wanting to do stereotypically 'romantic' things with them, like having candlelit dinners and such :redface: I would also use the term 'in love' to describe how I feel about romantic partners, rather than just 'love,' which for me does not have to be romantic. I love my friends, but I don't see them as romantic partners.

Friendly feelings, I think, are less exclusive-ish than romantic ones - as in, if I had a romantic partner who regularly chose to spend time with someone else rather than with me, I would probably feel bad, but if this person were a non-romantic friend it wouldn't bother me. There are exceptions; if this friend was my very closest friend, and had previously viewed me the same way, I might feel a little hurt that I was getting cut out of their life, so to speak. In time, though, I could probably move past that and simply consider our friendship more casual and less close. There are people, however, who have more difficulty with this, and may wish for a lifelong close friendship which is somewhat exclusive in nature - an aromantic life partner, so to speak. As I understand it, a squish means wanting to have a friendship like that. It is sort of an aromantic version of a crush. (I could be getting this slightly wrong, though, so I'd ask anyone who has a better definition to please enlighten me :) ) A friend of mine who is grey-romantic seems to want a relationship which is a mix between this sort of friendship and a romantic relationship, which I think is interesting.

In addition, in order for me to view someone as a romantic partner, I must first view them as a good friend. That's not to say that I can't have romantic crushes on strangers or casual acquaintances - if that were the case, I would be demiromantic, which I'm not. However, in order for a romantic relationship to last, I have to view my partner as also my best friend. Because of this, I have difficulty saying that romantic feelings are stronger than friendship-based feelings for me; I have stronger feelings overall for romantic partners, yes, but that's at least partially because I also view them as my closest friends. I suppose romantic feelings are, at least in the case of partners, add-ons.

These definitions don't work for everyone - polyamorous people, for example, to some extent exclude the exclusivity from romantic feelings - but they do for me, at least. Hope this helped!