Dude, what just happened?

[Vahys]

Dear community members,

For years now I've known someone online. We're both guys and gay, we were pretty young before, and, even though it was online we felt some kind of closeness. I think it's safe to say that we loved eachothered. I know full well how that's sort of based on an incomplete image, not having met in real life, etc. Anyway, like I said, we were young, eventually shit happened and it didn't really work out.

Later we sort of got in touch again, and the guy (let's call him Bob) said how he felt he might be asexual. I didn't even know it existed (you guys have work to do!) but I read up on it a little and together (I think) we came to the conclusion that it implied something like really not wanting to have sex. I'm not all that interested in sex so it didn't bother me all that much, and I suppose I figured it wasn't all that relevant at the time anyway. Bob lives in a different country, and though it's only an hour or so to fly over, it still wasn't as if we'd meet the next day.

After about half a year we really did want to meet though, so a couple of months ago (about 3 I suppose) Bob came over, for about 10 days. Pretty much from the first day it felt really good to me (I am aware here of the fact that it felt good from my perspective, I'll elaborate in a second). We held hands, we hugged, slept in the same bed with Bob's arms around me. Much of this stuff was initiated by Bob, I wasn't really sure how things worked for him and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. I'm a few years older and I've been in a few (not very long-lived nor extremely serious) relationships while Bob had not. Anyway, a few days later we kissed and everything still just felt good. Bob went home at the end of those 10 days and said he had a wonderful time. Like I said before, it felt good to me. I figured I might assume that, since he initiated a lot of this, and did so repeatedly, without me really making any demands, he felt good about things as well, especially since he told me so a few times. We felt really in love and I've rarely been happier.

Moving on. A few months have passed, Bob came over again one week ago, and pretty much from the start something was different. You probably know how flying works, it means you get somewhere fast but you wake up at some ungodly hour to do so. I thought we might both just be tired and I just gave him some space. On the third day it felt like I was just .. dragging a statue around with me though, there was no response to most of the things I said or did and he seemed uncomfortable. I asked him if something was wrong, what was going on here? Eventually he said he guessed it was probably asexuality and he felt like he couldn't stand any kind of physical intimacy.

I've since then gone through feeling devastated, defeated, angry, disappointed and a whole bunch of other things, but mostly being confused. Could things really just have changed like that? I feel a little guilty, I suppose, for not just taking his word for it, but I find it hard to accept that a relationship we'd been working on for a pretty long time, and which I was detirmed to make work, can suddenly end like this. When I've spoken to him it's only really seemed to make things worse. Just talking to me seems to be really difficult for him. I'm no expert but he seems to get really nervous and tense, his breathing gets extremely rapid at least and he can't look at me at all. Anyway, when we do manage to talk a bit he claims he doesn't really feel like he loves me anymore, at least not as anything more than a friend. I've been doing some research on my own, but I'll admit straight away I'm still pretty ignorant, and Bob doesn't really seem able to explain things to me either.

I guess my questions are basically .. what happened? Is it possible for someone to go from, as far as I know, based on what I've observed and from what Bob has told me (these two sources do not conflict) someone who loves me and in a way can still be physically intimate with me and enjoy it, to someone who can barely stand to be around me?

Is this really just the way it is, is it something that can't possibly be overcome? Could it be there's something else going on here?

I've basically been told that I might be grasping at straws, that I'm desperate to find a way to make things work, that I can't face reality or whatever (though I don't really think that's it). I just love Bob a lot, more than anything else, and if I had the option I'd not ever want to leave him, but that's basically the only choice he seems to give me. Can I do nothing but accept that? Is he really asexual, or aromantic on top of that? And then what did the previous experience mean? Does it all just change like that?

Well, in short, what just happened?

I hope very much that someone could give me their opinions on this and, if nothing else, just try to make me understand this situation.

With the kindest regards,

[Schwarzflug]

I can't really comprehend this situation fully, but I can and do extend my sympathies.

Although, seems odd, maybe he's just not that into you and felt like he was 'letting you down' easier?

[Pandoren]

I can't say whether or not he is asexual, only he'd know that, but two things occurred to me:

a) he was initiating some forms of intimacy to keep you interested, because he wanted a relationship with you and now he can't keep it up

b) he actually does want to have those forms of intimacy but he knows you are not asexual and he's got a little depressed about the situation and either doesn't want to lead you on (even though you've not demanded things of him or pressured him, he can still imagine his own external pressure) or fears that you will eventually want more from him and he'd rather back off entirely (even if that's not what he wants and doesn't like the lack of closeness) than be the cause of that situation.

[Vahys]

I can't really comprehend this situation fully, but I can and do extend my sympathies.

Although, seems odd, maybe he's just not that into you and felt like he was 'letting you down' easier?

I'm sorry, he felt like he was letting me down easier? I don't really understand what you mean. (:

I can't say whether or not he is asexual, only he'd know that, but two things occurred to me:

a) he was initiating some forms of intimacy to keep you interested, because he wanted a relationship with you and now he can't keep it up

b) he actually does want to have those forms of intimacy but he knows you are not asexual and he's got a little depressed about the situation and either doesn't want to lead you on (even though you've not demanded things of him or pressured him, he can still imagine his own external pressure) or fears that you will eventually want more from him and he'd rather back off entirely (even if that's not what he wants and doesn't like the lack of closeness) than be the cause of that situation.

Hi, thanks.

As far as I understood it at the time, and from what I've heard from him, he initiated the intimacy because he wanted to and enjoyed it. He just claims that now when we saw eachother again he simply didn't feel anything anymore and didn't want any intimacy nor any relationship at all, with anyone. I just can't wrap my head around how that can suddenly change. According to him it's asexuality, I suppose I just wonder if it works that way. Not to mention if asexuality encompasses his wanting no kind of intimacy at all, physical or emotional; wanting no relationship at all.

If he does want those forms of intimacy, which I really don't know about anymore, what can I do anyway when he says he doesn't want anything? I've told him months ago that sex is not important to me, if his limit is hugs and that sort of thing that's acceptable for me, I'd honestly be perfectly happy. I could try to convince him of how I felt if he was just worried about me wanting more, but it doesn't seem relevant at this time.

[Pandoren]

Asexuality is just not experiencing sexual attraction. Individual asexuals can want relationships, can enjoy hugging, kissing, physical contact, some can even enjoy sex. Not all do though, personally I'm not someone who is interested in physical contact at all. So when he says it is "asexuality", it probably refers to HIS asexuality as opposed to asexuality in general.

It's possible that Bob just isn't really someone interested in relationships. It isn't an on-off switch so you have to either be aromantic (not interested) or homo(etc)romantic and always interested in relationships, it can be a case that someone only occasionally finds someone who inspires that interest but otherwise can be happy being single if that interest isn't present. Again, personally, I'm not really interested in a relationship but have had some interest sparked rarely in the past and would never say never. It might be that Bob really was interested in a relationship with you at the time but the feelings have faded and now his interest for you has dwindled, there isn't anyone to replace that feeling with, so he's not interested in relationships at all at this present time. It doesn't have to be you or anything you've done, just that it hasn't worked out.

[the Lady Ashuko]

It sounds like he may be aromantic. The thing about romantic attraction is that most of the sexual world doesn't acknowledge or know it exists, so I've noticed that it's harder to pinpoint right away than sexuality. I used to identify as biromantic because I thought my feelings of wanting someone s a good friend were what romantic feelings were. We expect that we want relationships so we work whatever feelings we have into what we think they should be. Because you live so far away it's possible that he figured himself out more in the time between visits. Because he came to visit, I doubt he doesn't care for you in some fashion still or he wouldn't have come. I imagine he was just as disppointed that he still didn't feel any different when he was with you.

Before I realized I was aromantic, I was the most huggy person, and now I'm just not.

[Vahys]

It sounds like he may be aromantic. The thing about romantic attraction is that most of the sexual world doesn't acknowledge or know it exists, so I've noticed that it's harder to pinpoint right away than sexuality. I used to identify as biromantic because I thought my feelings of wanting someone s a good friend were what romantic feelings were. We expect that we want relationships so we work whatever feelings we have into what we think they should be. Because you live so far away it's possible that he figured himself out more in the time between visits. Because he came to visit, I doubt he doesn't care for you in some fashion still or he wouldn't have come. I imagine he was just as disppointed that he still didn't feel any different when he was with you.

Before I realized I was aromantic, I was the most huggy person, and now I'm just not.

Hey, thanks. I didn't really know that existed. Reading up on that kind of makes sense, I guess. It's hard because it's difficult to communicate with Bob and I feel like I'm trying to figure things out largely on my own.

[the Lady Ashuko]

It sounds like he may be aromantic. The thing about romantic attraction is that most of the sexual world doesn't acknowledge or know it exists, so I've noticed that it's harder to pinpoint right away than sexuality. I used to identify as biromantic because I thought my feelings of wanting someone s a good friend were what romantic feelings were. We expect that we want relationships so we work whatever feelings we have into what we think they should be. Because you live so far away it's possible that he figured himself out more in the time between visits. Because he came to visit, I doubt he doesn't care for you in some fashion still or he wouldn't have come. I imagine he was just as disppointed that he still didn't feel any different when he was with you.

Before I realized I was aromantic, I was the most huggy person, and now I'm just not.

Hey, thanks. I didn't really know that existed. Reading up on that kind of makes sense, I guess. It's hard because it's difficult to communicate with Bob and I feel like I'm trying to figure things out largely on my own.

No problem. Always glad when I can be helpful. ^^ I can certainly understand the difficulty, but try to remember it's probably hard on his end too. There are times when I feel guilty still for problems caused by my aromanticism in past relationships. I think how much nicer things might have been had I been able to explain these things to those partners, but I didn't even have the concepts let alone the words to explain. I don't want to go too far into this on your thread, but sometimes I can only talk through anecdotes.

My advice is to just try to talk to him, asking how he feels. Use non-threatening language. Think, "I noticed you were acting different last time, is something wrong?" rather than, "What was with you before?"

I hope you guys can work this out.

[test account]

Hey, Im sorry to hear this. But I think its a mistake to try to understand whats going on. You wont be able to help wondering or wanting to know, of course. But Bob is the only one who can explain, when/if he wants to. He may not ever want to. You may have to accept that.

I'm sure its nothing you've done. You have more experience than him. This may be a time of self-discovery for him that he cant share with you because youre emotionally involved.

Give him space I suggest and see what happens.

[Vahys]

Hi everyone,

I thought a brief update might be nice, especially if you took the time to reply here. (: First of all though, thank you all again for your interest and sympathies.

Because affordable plane tickets are a rare thing, Bob wasn't able to leave for home as soon as might be best for both of us. That basically meant we're 'stuck' with eachother for a little while longer. Sort of going our own ways and giving eachother space led to an unmanageable situation where it was very awkward for both of us. It was a little forced (as in I made us sit down in the middle of nowhere and said we just had to talk) but we finally managed to kind of talk things through. I feel I understand the situation better and while this all still really sucks, for both of us, we can actually get along in a way that's, I imagine, as near to the close friendship we used to enjoy as possible.

We both still care a lot for eachother, I think, and, as we both say and feel we want to, we'll try to maintain a friendship we're both comfortable with. I'm not sure what form that would take, exactly, but I think if we keep communicating it might work out to be a good thing. (: On my part, at least, I hope I can still be there for him if he wants me to be.

Again, thank you all. (:

[Schwarzflug]

What I mean is... maybe he feels like if he said, bluntly, something along the lines of "I'm simply NOT attracted to you anymore." it would hurt your feelings.

Just a guess, though.

[test account]

I can imagine how awkward that was for you guys... Love sucks sometimes

[Tals]

Men actually cycle hormonally, just like women do. It's just far less noticeable in most people.

So it's possible that when you first met, he was in a happy, cuddly place, where the second time he's been in a downy, alone time place.

Or, his feelings for you have just changed. That happens, often for reasons we can't understand.

Either way, I'm sorry to hear it didn't go the way you wanted it to.